14 year old having sex - husband not coping

[takethegirloutofwales]

So my just 14 year old told me a few weeks ago that she and her boyfriend had discussed sex and contraception and they wanted to take their relationship to that next level. I was shocked, sad, all those feelings, but I put on my brave face to try and be the mum I always hoped I could be in this situation. I asked her if she thought it might be a good idea to go to the family planning clinic. She agreed to this and her bf agreed he would come too as contraception is a mutual responsibility. We all three of us went into the nurse’s office. Then she sent me and her bf outside while they had a chat. What could have been a very awkward 20 minutes ended up reassuring me that he is a really nice boy who thinks the world of our daughter and so while I’m not encouraging the sexual relationship, I’m accepting of it and of the fact that it’s a mutual decision, they’ve been totally honest, mature and have spent a lot of time talking about it. They even waited until the 7 days of the pill kicked in for effectiveness and have been using condoms too. My dh and I have been discussing this decently, aware that it might be on the cards and while I think I’ve been more pragmatic about it, he’s blown hot and cold. One minute he’s ‘coming to terms’ with the idea and just wants to make sure that it’s something she wants as much as him, the next he’s silent, disappointed in her, feeling she’s totally screwing up her life, worried about rumours at school, worried about nude pics and revenge porn. And yes I get this - of course it’s a worry but it’s going to be a worry whether she’s 14,15,16,17,18 or 30! So now the deed has finally been done - she has zero regrets - and so there’s no going back now really. Dh is just not coping -
don’t think he’s said two words to her and can’t look her in the eye. I’ve told him that if she was sneaking around and doing all of this without our knowledge he wouldn’t be treating her any differently - so it’s wrong in my opinion to punish her for being open, mature and honest and not having secrets from us. Poor kid is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t. Now she knows we are not encouraging underage sex but as it is now happening, I’d rather we were open and encouraging it to be in a safe, space where contraception is always available rather than in the park or somewhere public they could get caught and in trouble. I’m also glad that none of this is under the influence of alcohol or drugs - it’s an entirely thought out decision. Yes she may one day regret doing it so young, but if the first time is a positive experience I’d much prefer that for her. Any advice on how to cope with husbands who aren’t coping?

I think I would stress to him that you are incredibly fortunate to have such a strong relationship with your daughter that she felt she could be so open and honest with you. Better to know what you know, than be worrying about what she might be doing? The boyfriend sounds great and whilst 14 is young, they have approached this so maturely. Consensual, safe sex between people who care about each other is not the end of the world. I don’t see how it will ruin her life. It could all have been so much worse - maybe keep reminding DH of that?

I think I would stress to him that you are incredibly fortunate to have such a strong relationship with your daughter that she felt she could be so open and honest with you. Better to know what you know, than be worrying about what she might be doing? The boyfriend sounds great and whilst 14 is young, they have approached this so maturely. Consensual, safe sex between people who care about each other is not the end of the world. I don’t see how it will ruin her life. It could all have been so much worse - maybe keep reminding DH of that?

The deed is done and at least she is on contraception etc but ffs ,I wouldn't be encouraging a 14 year old to be having sex . Far to young . Far too young to be in a serious relationship . I would have nipped that in the bud before it got that serious. Poor girl - she is very very young to be in such a serious adult relationship. It is also illegal ( although I very much doubt anyone would prosecute anyone here). No advice for you regarding your husband. I can see his point .

The deed is done and at least she is on contraception etc but ffs ,I wouldn't be encouraging a 14 year old to be having sex . Far too young . Far too young to be in a serious relationship . I would have nipped that in the bud before it got that serious. Poor girl - she is very very young to be in such a serious adult relationship. It is also illegal ( although I very much doubt anyone would prosecute anyone here). No advice for you regarding your husband. I can see his point .

The deed is done and at least she is on contraception etc but ffs ,I wouldn't be encouraging a 14 year old to be having sex . Far too young . Far too young to be in a serious relationship . I would have nipped that in the bud before it got that serious. Poor girl - she is very very young to be in such a serious adult relationship. It is also illegal ( although I very much doubt anyone would prosecute anyone here). No advice for you regarding your husband. I can see his point . You actually disgust me, Op

Out of interest how would you have "nipped it in the bud"?

As you can see @Cardboardsnoreboard in my original post I said I am NOT encouraging it. I would obviously much prefer to to have waited. But my first time at 17 wasn’t with someone who loved me and cared for me. He was six years older, way more experienced and I felt like it was expected of me. Speaking to a friend last night - before she’d lost her virginity she was sexually assaulted by an older man at a house party who put his hands in her vagina. After that she just wanted to lose her virginity to a friend she could trust. It wasn’t love so much as an arrangement so that she knew she was with someone safe. It’s not ideal - far from it -
but there are much worse scenarios that could take place once she was of legal age. My parents were draconian - I couldn’t speak to them about anything - so I got my information where I could, told half truths and lied about a lot of my life. I don’t thing there’s a right or wrong way of parenting - but I cannot punish or resent my daughter for this.

Of course it's not ideal op, I've no doubt you know that, but I'm at a loss as to what posters would do to stop this from happening? I've parented a teen and the majority of them would hide it from you first, or hide it from you and lie after.
You've obviously got a great relationship with her if she felt able to talk to you in the first place, and you've done the responsible thing by making sure she is protected and have talked through the feelings and possible implications with her.
I'd probably keep stressing about consent at all times and what a good relationship looks like, also nudes etc...
For your DH I think you just need to keep talking and give him time to process this, you've been practical he is emotional, I understand that, but does he understand he is risking his relationship with his daughter by refusing to speak or look at her?

If be interested in this too. Ban a 14 year old form seeing someone? Unless you place her under house arrest she will still find a way to see him and have sex with him. And it would irreparably damage their relationship. At least in OPs situation her daughter and her have a strong bond to bring such a topic up, seriously talk about it and proactively put in place measure to keep her as safe as possible.

Well done for taking her to the family planning clinic OP. That was an excellent parenting move. You could have made it clearer that you would prefer she wait for another couple of years, but realistically, would they have just started sneaking around and hiding it and being less safe? Her having the opportunity to discuss this decision alone with a third party (the dr or nurse at the clinic) was important too - she will have asked her why she wants to be on the pill, if she’s under any pressure from bf etc.
I think you can impose rules about how much time your dd can spend with her bf - things like no visits on school nights, having a curfew, weekend before mock exams must be keep free for study, she’s expected to come to family events on x and x dates etc. And you could say no overnights but then that’s likely to lead to the having sex is less ideal places.

It is good you were pragmatic on this, with arranging visit to the nurse etc. but how strong were you on stating the law and repeating this message? Personally I would rather my child was having sex and we were communicating on it than them doing it secretly; and there is the danger that if you put up objections, they will go underground as it were. However, where we disagree, I will keep up my objection rather than capitulate but try to find common ground for continuing the debate. I think 16 is quite young enough to be having penetrative sex and that's what the law says. What do you believe?

I guess I am with your DH then, but really there is no going back now, so I think you will have to acknowledge his distress over this and hope that he can accept what is happening.

What do you mean 'there's no going back..' Of course there is. If she decides not to have sex for a while as she isn't ready she can go back to not having it. There is nothing that happens when you first have sex that changes you in any way. Virginity is a social construct and a hymen is not what most people think it is.

I cannot say whether 14 is too young as I don't know your daughter, some 14 year olds may be ready, some not, but you've done the right thing. She clearly trusts you. Remind your husband of that. She will lose her trust for him if she hasn't already due to his behaviour. Has he always had hang ups about sex?

I feel you did encourage her to have underage sex by being so accepting and then enabling it by taking them to the clinic for contraception. No where in your post do you mention using your parental influence to try and convince your DD to wait until she is 16. It’s like there was no debate, no discussion…she came to you saying she wanted to have sex below the legal age and your reaction seems to have been “right let’s make this happen”. You also haven’t mentioned the boyfriends age either…why is that?

I understand zero control over teens. I have teens. But if you have the kind of open, honest respectful relationship with your DD that you say you have then you have lots of parental influence. You could have tried to convince her to wait until 16. So I’m in sympathy with your DH, her father, who appears to have had no say and been blindsided by all of this. And it’s frankly mockery to act like his concerns of a 14yr old daughter having sex are the same as concerns of a 16,18 or 30 yr old adult child having sex. It’s not the same at all. I feel very differently about my 11yo from my 14 yo from my 17yo from my 20yo.

Thank you for all your responses. Sorry I should have said that we did of course have the conversation about waiting and how I’d prefer it if she did wait. We’ve spoken about consent and not being pressured into anything and she knows that if she doesn’t want to do it again - either with him or anyone else - that is absolutely her prerogative. I absolutely see my husband’s side but it’s hard because when he and I discussed that this might crop up, we got to a place where we were both singing from the same hymn sheet - only now it’s actually happened he’s changed his tune. Boyfriend is getting to stay overnight - we move house later this year and will be further away so at that point he may get to have the sofa bed occasionally. We have a 12 year old son and i want to protect him so that he makes his own decisions based on when he feels ready, not what he thinks is expected just because his sister did x and y at a certain age.

I don't think you should be allowing him to stay overnight, that is a step too far, I also think it's send the wrong message to your son, whether you like it or not he will expect the same treatment when he is that age, and your not really in a position to refuse it.

I wouldn’t be too happy with him staying over OP. Your daughter is 14 and it seems like you’re treating her relationship like it’s an adult relationship not a teenage relationship.

Also agree with pp about your son in a couple of years.

I think you need to make it clear to your DH that his behaviour towards DD is not acceptable, and that there are far worse things she can do than have sex.

I wouldn't support this by encouraging overnight stays - plus working from home has its distinct advantages when it comes to keeping an eye on teenage children. I'm onto my third teen now, I have good relationships with both my adult DCs and my current teen and have always strongly discouraged them to have sex at a young age - and they haven't gone down that route. It's absolutely fine to say no to overnight stays.

In terms of dealing with a partner who doesn't support their child having sex - I don't think there's much you can do. It sounds like whilst you're not supporting it you're very much supporting it, so he's basically going to have to lump the overnight stays in case your DD gets upset. You'll have to give him time to come to terms with it.

Sorry but despite you saying you are not encouraging it, you very much have been are encouraging underage sex by your actions. I mean, letting the boyfriend spend the nights? How is that not encouraging sex? If by signing from dame hymn sheet you mean you had agreed with your DH to no encourage underage sex with your 14yo DD and now “he’s not coping” it could likely be because you’re saying one thing but doing the opposite.

I’m not sure I would allow my children to have sleep overs with their partners whilst under 16. I think you were completely right to take her to the family planning clinic and it is great she is so open with you.
fwiw I lost my virginity at 14 to a wonderful boy. I dont regret it at all.

Sometimes I think Dads find it more difficult with daughters. I had sex for the first time when I was 14 with my boyfriend (16) fully consensual, I am until this day happy I did with him-it meant something, we were ready, he respected me-and although we didnt stay together and get married or anything, I look back on it as a positive. I went to Brook and started the pill/got condoms before hand. My dad found my combined pill when I was 15 and went ballistic, and stopped me taking it. (Mum wasnt on the scene). I wish he had been more approachable and accepting I had been mature and responsible. It certainly didnt stop me having sex but it completely closed off the conversation with him and I just became secretive.

With my own DD (13), I regularly chat to her about boyfriends, consent, contraception and try to drop it in casually here and there so it feels normal for her to talk to me about it. I have told her I just want her to be ready before she has sex and if she comes to talk to me before, I can help her access contraception and answer any questions. She is pretty mature about it and knows home is a safe space to talk about anything, really. I am actually a bit more strict with DS (15), especially around consent and his responsibilities in terms of contraception and respect. He has also had a long talk about objectification of women in the media/unrealistic expectations of womens bodies/not sharing photos etc.

I understand discouraging sex before 16-but at the same time, I want to make sure my teens understand choice, maturity, emotional elements, responsibility and consent. I also wouldnt want to force them to be secretive and take risks because they think I would be prohibitively against it.

I think you have taken a really sensible approach and her dad will come around.

I think you absolutely did encourage your daughter to have sex. Is she 14 in year 9 or year 10 and as for a boyfriend having sleepovers at 14, I'm afraid I think you're being really irresponsible. You're treating her as an adult and she's a 14 year old child. I totally get why your husband isn't coping, it isn't something 14 year olds should be doing and most aren't.

My 14 Yr old ds has had sex with his gf I absolutely am disgusted by it, I found out by looking at his phone, he promised me he would never do anything like that when he started going out with her, what I thought was a innocent relationship has changed him to a child I no longer know. He has changed his personality completely gone is the sweet boy I knew he is awful and thinks he knows it all. I would never encourage anyone at 14 as they lose their inoccence. They can't get it back.

Wasn't this thread deleted a few days ago? Why has it resurfaced?

Could be a different one, ?

Hawkins - it reads exactly the same as the previous one ... even starting with 'my just 14 year old DD' and down to the details about accompanying her DD and the BF to get contraception advice .... seems very strange if it is a different OP .