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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old having sex - husband not coping

84 replies

takethegirloutofwales · 26/04/2022 09:36

So my just 14 year old told me a few weeks ago that she and her boyfriend had discussed sex and contraception and they wanted to take their relationship to that next level. I was shocked, sad, all those feelings, but I put on my brave face to try and be the mum I always hoped I could be in this situation. I asked her if she thought it might be a good idea to go to the family planning clinic. She agreed to this and her bf agreed he would come too as contraception is a mutual responsibility. We all three of us went into the nurse’s office. Then she sent me and her bf outside while they had a chat. What could have been a very awkward 20 minutes ended up reassuring me that he is a really nice boy who thinks the world of our daughter and so while I’m not encouraging the sexual relationship, I’m accepting of it and of the fact that it’s a mutual decision, they’ve been totally honest, mature and have spent a lot of time talking about it. They even waited until the 7 days of the pill kicked in for effectiveness and have been using condoms too. My dh and I have been discussing this decently, aware that it might be on the cards and while I think I’ve been more pragmatic about it, he’s blown hot and cold. One minute he’s ‘coming to terms’ with the idea and just wants to make sure that it’s something she wants as much as him, the next he’s silent, disappointed in her, feeling she’s totally screwing up her life, worried about rumours at school, worried about nude pics and revenge porn. And yes I get this - of course it’s a worry but it’s going to be a worry whether she’s 14,15,16,17,18 or 30! So now the deed has finally been done - she has zero regrets - and so there’s no going back now really. Dh is just not coping -
don’t think he’s said two words to her and can’t look her in the eye. I’ve told him that if she was sneaking around and doing all of this without our knowledge he wouldn’t be treating her any differently - so it’s wrong in my opinion to punish her for being open, mature and honest and not having secrets from us. Poor kid is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t. Now she knows we are not encouraging underage sex but as it is now happening, I’d rather we were open and encouraging it to be in a safe, space where contraception is always available rather than in the park or somewhere public they could get caught and in trouble. I’m also glad that none of this is under the influence of alcohol or drugs - it’s an entirely thought out decision. Yes she may one day regret doing it so young, but if the first time is a positive experience I’d much prefer that for her. Any advice on how to cope with husbands who aren’t coping?

OP posts:

DancingintheDark17 · 07/05/2022 04:55

Although I do feel 14 is young, I also agree about your approach to it. I was 16 and had to disclose an incident to my mum, I wasn't proud of but wanted to be open with her, this is when she found out it wasn't my first. I saw her disappointment, but she also gave me great advice as she spoke openly to me, like an adult. Luckily I was on the pill, as we agreed at 16 to start, before I done anything sexually. This was more her safety net being safe, as knew the day would come eventually. She also had mindset of being safe, so I was allowed home with boys, and tbh I barely done anything because of that. I had friends out up to all sorts in fields etc, mostly because they were rebelling and breaking rules.
What happens will happen tbh, I've known people who are safe/ protected end up pregnant and others risking it all never having a scare.
As my dads only daughter, I understand how your husband feels. I wasn't as open with my dad, although seperated from my mum, she would pass on info she felt he needed to know. He didn't mention it tbh, although would make comments about being safe and sensible. It wasn't until I took a boy to party at his that he really felt awkward, he bit his tounge until we fell asleep then he shaved his eyebrows off 🤦🏻‍♀️ he hated thought of me being hurt/ unsafe etc but also treated me like an adult, not saying much, standing back but making sure I knew he was there. I called him often when in trouble over the years and he was there without judgement etc. I know it took a lot for him but meant the world to me.
Fast forward to recent years, he was the only personal I cried to when announcing my pregnancy (planned). I sobbed and sobbed as he cuddled me, saying nothing, but I know how much he cared, in his own way.
So tell your husband be open and honest but also try not to over react causing friction in relationship x

WhatWouldHarveyDo · 07/05/2022 04:56

Ragwort · 07/05/2022 02:54

Wasn't this thread deleted a few days ago? Why has it resurfaced?

Its the same one I’m sure but with most posts missing. There were lots of posts and lots of arguing. Weird.

DaysLikeThis1 · 07/05/2022 05:55

I remember this exact scenario being posted but think that I saw it longer ago than a few days. Strangely, I have noticed a few 'repeat' threads recently.

PrincessesRUs · 07/05/2022 07:23

I think it's good she is so open with you but how did it get to this point?! She's 14 - that means she goes to school, attends hobbies in the evening that she's taken to or she's home doing hw or being with family. I honestly don't see how this situation arose??

twoblueskies · 07/05/2022 07:24

@takethegirloutofwales
I think you have been amazing .
I'm mum to two dd aged 14 and 8
At 13 my dd asked me about wanting sex with her first bf , just met .
( we have complications of a prev sexual assault aged 8 so talking about this and it's effects is something for us and she is in counselling, but as a result her curiosity started young and her wanting to readdress the past is a factor )

So when it first came up I told her I couldn't approve because of her age but if anything ever happened ( as with the assault) she could come to me . And if she felt she was ready come to me ( so I could try to talk her out of it or get birth control dep on conversation)

That first relationship ended , he was same age just 14 and sexually active just not with my dd . She said and still says she didnt have sex with him because it didn't feel right .

Next bf came along in dec , no specific conversation just saying my opinion hadn't changed .
In March he told a friends mum my dd might be pregnant , this mum let me know . We then had to talk with her about getting a pregnancy test , she ran away that night .

The next day she came home after staying at a friends and agreed to come to drs for blood test .

Thankfully not pregnant but I told her how to sort out contraception and told her where to go , she asked me to go with her.

So I did , and I felt like a failure whose daughter doesn't respect me . But now I know she is safe from pregnancy and she asked for my help

Later I asked her why she hadn't come to me earlier , she said it's because I said I didn't approve and she didn't want to feel
she had let me down but she really wanted this bf to be her first consensual sexual experience . It was his first time too .
When his parents found out they banned him from seeing her and refused to answer my call but they are still together 2 months on . I spoke to him too and told him it shouldn't have happened

He is still her bf but even though she is on contraception they are not expected to have sex in our house and he is not in her room or allowed upstairs . He does come round though until his parents call and order him home .

My dd has asked if they can go in her room so I will be asking the following today
Is she still having sex , if yes where ? Based on that I may make my decision on use of her room .

But still not to have sex in our house when younger daughter at home

I will add that a hardline approach led to running away and overdose. Pretty much like what @par05 described but things calmer now .

Regarding the husband , my dd dad , we are still together but he had struggled and goes along with my decision but maintains a relationship with her ad normal .

Good luck

twoblueskies · 07/05/2022 07:30

To those who suggest other hobbies . My Dd is doing duke of Edinburgh, volunteering, football 3 times a week , has other friendships and is a top pupil with excellent grades and although school know they can't commend her enough .

Imissmoominmama · 07/05/2022 07:34

My childhood friend lost her virginity at 13 to a boy she was in a relationship with. Her mum said she’d prefer her to be doing it in a safe place, than in the back of a car, or behind Woolworths. She’s 57 now, and has had 4 sexual partners in her life- all long term relationships.

I waited until I was 19 and have had considerably more- some being dubious one night stands. Sex wasn’t talked about in our house.

Keep on with your great parenting OP- you’ve raised an honest and responsible girl.

splishsplashsploshsplish · 07/05/2022 07:42

I think you have handled this brilliantly Op and will do my best to react the same way.

Trafficjamlog · 07/05/2022 14:04

OP is your daughter in year 9 or year 10? A year 10 child having sex is absolutely not something I would be happy about

A year 9 child having sex and a parent considering allowing a sleepover I am actually horrified by. Likewise if I found out another mother was taking my 14 year old son to a family planning clinic to discuss contraception and giving him the message it’s ok to have sex I would be taking action.

its perfectly ok for 14 year olds to be told no, this isn’t ok. It’s illegal. Most 14 year olds are absolutely not having sex and certainly not being expressly given permission by a parent. You have overstepped the mark with the boy too. As they are CHILDREN I actually think you have a duty of care to have told his mum. If you didn’t know, fine, but you did and they’re underage so his parents should have been told and perhaps the whole plan could have been postponed which is easily the best outcome

LaBellina · 07/05/2022 14:08

I might be very old fashioned but I think 14 is far too young to have sex. I would have tried to talk to her and make her wait. I would also have talked to the boy’s parents. I wouldn’t be happy if DS would be having sex at 14, because a) he’s too young and b) they’re both below the age of consent.

SirChenjins · 07/05/2022 16:58

You’re not old fashioned at all - it’s not OK to be having sex while you’re still a child. Other people have different opinions of course, but that doesn’t make them right (or wrong).

wizzywig · 07/05/2022 17:05

If teachers hear about this (via school gossip), I think they may ask social services to get involved.

samanthaone · 07/05/2022 17:15

Wow i have a 14 year old and i would definitely not be allowing her to have sex. Luckily she’s not at that stage yet anyway.

Definitely keep the lines of communication open but tell her she is too young, it is illegal and that you will readdress the situation when she’s 15.

A lot can happen before then and they may break up.

twoblueskies · 07/05/2022 17:15

My dd is 14 , nearly 15 . She knows we don't approve of her having sex , school are fully informed , referred to social services with our consent . Recommend birth control by GP and social worker

NO FURTHER ACTION

Please someone tell me how we prevent dd having a sexual relationship with a boy at her school !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Midlifemusings · 07/05/2022 17:22

You see these trashy shows on TV of parents who encurage and enable their 12, 13 ,14 year olds to have sex and boyfriends staying over with them and kids having kids....I always wonder where they find these families and now here we have a real live case!

I find it shocking but obviously based on TV, OP isn't alone in putting out the welcome mat and making up the bed for her young teen to have sex. I think some parents think it makes them cool and kids best friend to let them use their house as the sex house.

twoblueskies · 07/05/2022 17:29

Hmmm plenty of criticism but nobody saying actually how to prevent two kids having sex ?

anyone ???????

twoblueskies · 07/05/2022 17:30

No welcome mat here
But no unplanned pregnancy either !

SleeplessWB · 07/05/2022 17:42

You can't stop them, you can just make it safe. I can assure you that lots of Year 10s are having sex.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2022 18:20

twoblueskies · 07/05/2022 17:29

Hmmm plenty of criticism but nobody saying actually how to prevent two kids having sex ?

anyone ???????

I personally don't see why some people think it's inevitable. The average age for a girls' first time is around 16, plenty are older than that so I don't get this fatalism about being able to stop it.

twoblueskies · 07/05/2022 18:27

@Gwenhwyfar
Well I must have a not average girl
That's like saying normal ! Only a setting on a washing machine !!!!

Inspgadget · 07/05/2022 18:42

It’s fantastic that your daughter can talk to you about this. I hope my daughter and/or son can and will come to me when the time comes.

However, there is absolutely no way that I would allow boyfriends or girlfriends to stay the night in my house at 14 years old. Absolutely not.

Its one thing to be sensible and make sure that they are protected against diseases and pregnancy and make as much of an informed decision as they can at 14, but a whole other situation allowing under age children who you know are sexually active, spend the night together.

Trafficjamlog · 07/05/2022 19:06

I keep coming back to this to see the comments. I still can’t get past the fact you took a 14 year old boy to a family planning clinic without discussing it with his parents first. What you do with your own daughter is your decision but to do it with someone else’s MINOR child is just unfathomable. I have to say, if I knew who you were I would be reporting it to the school or at least making sure the parents were aware.

LoveSpringDaffs · 07/05/2022 19:17

Ragwort · 07/05/2022 02:54

Wasn't this thread deleted a few days ago? Why has it resurfaced?

I wasn't sure if it had been? The other thread about the 14yo having sex (which the mother thought was just fine) but she thought anal was wrong, that was 'deleted'.

I guess @MNHQ can take a look at it.

Summerloverr · 07/05/2022 19:18

How old is the boyfriend?

FabulousKilljoys · 07/05/2022 19:25

This thread is identical to one that got zapped last week. Identical.

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