14 year old having sex - husband not coping

[takethegirloutofwales]

So my just 14 year old told me a few weeks ago that she and her boyfriend had discussed sex and contraception and they wanted to take their relationship to that next level. I was shocked, sad, all those feelings, but I put on my brave face to try and be the mum I always hoped I could be in this situation. I asked her if she thought it might be a good idea to go to the family planning clinic. She agreed to this and her bf agreed he would come too as contraception is a mutual responsibility. We all three of us went into the nurse’s office. Then she sent me and her bf outside while they had a chat. What could have been a very awkward 20 minutes ended up reassuring me that he is a really nice boy who thinks the world of our daughter and so while I’m not encouraging the sexual relationship, I’m accepting of it and of the fact that it’s a mutual decision, they’ve been totally honest, mature and have spent a lot of time talking about it. They even waited until the 7 days of the pill kicked in for effectiveness and have been using condoms too. My dh and I have been discussing this decently, aware that it might be on the cards and while I think I’ve been more pragmatic about it, he’s blown hot and cold. One minute he’s ‘coming to terms’ with the idea and just wants to make sure that it’s something she wants as much as him, the next he’s silent, disappointed in her, feeling she’s totally screwing up her life, worried about rumours at school, worried about nude pics and revenge porn. And yes I get this - of course it’s a worry but it’s going to be a worry whether she’s 14,15,16,17,18 or 30! So now the deed has finally been done - she has zero regrets - and so there’s no going back now really. Dh is just not coping -
don’t think he’s said two words to her and can’t look her in the eye. I’ve told him that if she was sneaking around and doing all of this without our knowledge he wouldn’t be treating her any differently - so it’s wrong in my opinion to punish her for being open, mature and honest and not having secrets from us. Poor kid is damned if she does, damned if she doesn’t. Now she knows we are not encouraging underage sex but as it is now happening, I’d rather we were open and encouraging it to be in a safe, space where contraception is always available rather than in the park or somewhere public they could get caught and in trouble. I’m also glad that none of this is under the influence of alcohol or drugs - it’s an entirely thought out decision. Yes she may one day regret doing it so young, but if the first time is a positive experience I’d much prefer that for her. Any advice on how to cope with husbands who aren’t coping?

She's 14 - that means she goes to school, attends hobbies in the evening that she's taken to or she's home doing hw or being with family. I honestly don't see how this situation arose??

^ this was basically the crux of the deleted thread. That this situation didn't get to this point overnight. A relationship was encouraged for some time. Poor girl had been sexualised from early age and was in therapy I think.

Agree with this. I also lost mine at just 15 and my mum handled it exactly how you did. For that I will always be grateful as it must have been difficult when I'm sure she'd have also wanted me to wait. I was with my boyfriend for over 2 years and then didn't sleep with anyone else for a good year afterwards. I've never had unprotected sex, I've never had a one night stand. I've always felt strong boundaries around my body. Fiends of the same age sadly had very different experiences with their parents when they tried to discuss as I did. My best friend did it anyway and had had 3 unwanted pregnancies by 18 whilst another friend got sadly got a reputation for herself as she was mistaking sexual behaviour for love and affection. I'm
Not saying that there's a direct correlation at all but I'm just glad and proud my parents handled it how they did. No, Dad wasn't best pleased. It blew over really quickly. I've always said that I'd try to take the same approach with my kids ( one in their teens) currently he tells me when he's been to house parties
and what goes on because I don't jump to judge. I often remind him I was 14 once x

This is really eye opening. I do think children get clear messages spoken or unspoken from their family about what is acceptable. It doesn’t only come from their peer group.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of_consent_by_country

It is young but would be legal in Germany and others, see link.
Much better than going behind your back, being unsafe or having an unwanted pregnancy.
I was sexually active at 15 but did not lose my virginity until I was 16. I was put under some pressure looking back but at the time, did not see it. Hopefully, that is not the case for your daughter.

I get where you're coming from. My daughter was 14 when she first had sex and most definitely it is too young but sadly nowadays they are growing up far to fast. I certainly wasn't thinking about sex at 14 but that was over 30 years ago. Like others have said if they really want to do it then they will find a way. I've had lots of discussions with my daughter about it. Yes it's technically illegal but nothing is done when it's 2 consenting people of the same age and who understand what it could entail.

Have those of you commenting read the original thread? Loads of context is missing here.

I agree with this. I am pretty shocked at that tbh.

So on one hand I think you’ve been very responsible and on the other way too permissive.

No contraception is 100% effective. She could still get pregnant. A pregnancy at her age could permanently ruin her reproductive system- this is the reason why the age of consent is 16. Girls bodies are just not mature enough to give birth safely so young.

Have you spoken to her about pregnancy, birth and abortion yet. That is the other side of the coin that goes with the sex and contraception. Is she old enough to properly understand those things?

Why would a 14 year old want to have sex in the first place and grow up before their time? Their life should be full of school and extracurricular activities with a boy friend being a fun, easy part if they have one .......

@chopc
Because our children are sexualised at a young age through the tv , media etc

There is that @twoblueskies .

My 14 year old DD is my youngest and at this age they are so busy with life I would hate to have her headspace occupied by an adult relationship. They grow up too fast as it is.

I personally think if you are ready to have sex you need to be ready for potential consequences which is pregnancy and STDs. In addition I just think it takes a relationship to a whole new level which a 14 year old can't handle

This thread again!!

Why are you posting yet again. I'd be very unhappy at a 14 year old having sex.

She is a child 😱

Is this not illegal?

@takethegirloutofwales a huge thank you for the relationship with your daughter and what you’ve taught her. That her body is hers, and not her dads/partners etc. For them to go to the nurse with you is really grown up.

i did similar a year older. Was in a relationship I was happy in and in love and we talked about it and decided to go on the pill. My mum always said I could go to her and she’d help etc, so I did and she flipped her nut. Dumped me at the doctors, refused to talk to me and I was escorted to and from school and not left alone. Our relationship is only just getting back on track now. That boyfriend became a long term and loving partner!

I am a father of a 12 soon to be 13 y/o dd. I hope that when the time comes for her - and it could be soon, who knows? - that she is trusting enough to be able to share with either me or her mother. I would feel so proud of her at that point. Would I rather she waited? Of course! Would I worry about the negative side of modern internet life? Of course! She seems to have a bf that cares deeply. Enough to go with her parent to see about contraception? well done him! Can you imagine what that must have been like for him?

Much better this way than in a lane, behind a skip or at a party, possibly slightly worse for wear.

I applaud you for your parenting success, I truly believe that is what it is. Your relationship with her will be much stronger than those alienating their daughter, through nipping or any other means. They will reap the benefit of the resentment that approach will cause.

Your dp/dh and you do need to align your approach to the rest. For her sake and for yours. Left without discussion it will fester. He needs to feel his views have meaning and weight. Whatever you agree about the way forward in respect of sleepovers etc your dd will need to accept.

My experience with male colleagues and friends is they believe they “know what boys are like” and don’t want their dds treated in that way. In this case it seems she isn’t being. It sounds very mutual.

Ignore the trolls in the thread. You are lucky to be having the discussion at all with the dd and her bf. The dc of the trolls will already know the response they will get so won’t even entertain having a discussion.

Accusing posters of being trolls because they have a different opinion is not on. If you think anyone on here is a troll you should report and MN will look into them and delete if necessary.

Some posters seem to be unaware that there is a middle line between condemning underage sex and turning down the duvet and encouraging them to hop in. You can't prevent a teenager from doing anything they have put their mind to, but you can educate them, and give them the tools they need to make an informed decision for themselves. I think you have handled it very well, OP.

I completely agree with this. I've navigated 2 DC to adulthood so far and you absolutely have to realise that a) they will ultimately do it if they want to, and likely without telling you, and b) you MUST keep communication open or they have nowhere to turn if things to go sour.

@chopc

"There is that @twoblueskies .

My 14 year old DD is my youngest and at this age they are so busy with life I would hate to have her headspace occupied by an adult relationship. They grow up too fast as it is.
I personally think if you are ready to have sex you need to be ready for potential consequences which is pregnancy and STDs. In addition I just think it takes a relationship to a whole new level which a 14 year old can't handle

Sorry sent @chopc before commenting

Totally agree with your opinion that 14 year olds should have busy lives

My dd is 14 not allowed to hang around parks at night , I know where she is either at friends or organised clubs . She does sports , volunteering, guides and She goes out 1 night in week of her choice bowling or cinema . Comes in when told / before dark .
She plays sport at weekend both days and goes out Saturday afternoon and evening home before dark . Not allowed at mix sleepovers ( yes they are a thing ) and boys not allowed in her room . I know all her friends parents and where they live .I know her bf as they watch movies in family room
But she still had sex 1 time , in our house while I was loading the car from the garage for 20 mins .

So I ticked all the boxes , including talking to her about not approving , too young , below she , stds .

So to ask the question again . What should I have done to prevent my 14 year old dd from having sex and at risk of pregnancy.

Like the op after I found out I took her to GP who after pregnancy testing her spoke with her about birth control which she is now on .

And yes it's my DD who was sexually assaulted at 8 . So sex , consent ( which she knew about and why she was able to tell me about the assault the next day ) etc have been discussed from an early age despite this and her curiosity and probably her need to do it under her own control has meant that she is sexually active too soon .

And yes she is in counselling before having sex

What I've learnt is it's important to still be on her side even if I don't agree . And I can put my views across but ultimately she will make her own choices . And I will still be there if things go wrong or she needs my help .

Op you did a good job , and I didn't take bf to health clinic but I did tell him I don't approve of their behaviour in our house and don't want it happening in house again .

There was another very busy thread about this. I’m pretty sure when the OP posted there were 3 identical threads started due to a glitch. Then the most active one was deleted because of OP’s concerns about privacy, leaving this one and another identical with no replies. I doubt the OP will be back to this one.

But - as I said on the last thread - I have two issues with all of this. The first is that a 14 year old is very young and may well have been coming to her mother hoping for boundaries, rather than acquiesce and sleepovers. She may have felt some pressure and lacked the maturity to articulate this. Other risky behaviour doesn’t usually engender such an enabling response. Drug taking teens - who will also do this in fields, alley ways etc - aren’t usually bought drug paraphernalia by their parents and given a safe room at home in order to partake.

Most 14 year olds aren’t having sex, a poster on the previous thread cited stats in the UK showing only 3% of girls that age are sexually active. I also manage to walk in fields and alleyways without constantly tripping over shagging 14 year olds because their parents aren’t providing beds for them at home.

The second issue is that a just-turned 14 year old would probably have some growth left, even if just an inch or so. Any contraceptive containing oestrogen will close the growth plates. Locally, girls prescribed hormonal contraception for periods are preferentially (not always) prescribed the progesterone only pill till 15-16 years. Of course it’s better than getting pregnant but to me it emphasises that just turned 14 year body that isn’t quite mature enough for supraphysiological doses of estrogen also isn’t mature enough to be having sex.

Maybe I'm way out of touch with the law, but isn't having sex with someone under 16 still illegal and statutory rape? So wouldn't the boy be opening himself potentially to prosecution?

And yes, I have children, including 2 teen daughters.