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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Desperate for advice...HELP..

15 replies

killerheart · 10/01/2012 11:48

Have just found the morning after pill and other pill leaflets in my 14 yr old daughters room,the morning after pill has been taken..Im in a total mess,my head is going crazy...She has got a boyfriend of sorts but hardly ever goes out.}What would you do if it was your daughter?

OP posts:
katz · 10/01/2012 11:49

talk to her, it might be a friends, it might be hers,

percysgirl · 10/01/2012 11:52

Oh KH - you must must must talk to her. As katz says, it could be hers, it could be a mates - either way a birds and bees talk is needed. Good luck xx

GleamingHeels · 10/01/2012 11:56

OK, you've had a shock. Take a deep breath, talk to her about it and listen to what she says.

She may (and I stress may - you don't know what's happened yet) have been irresponsible in gettting to the stage of needing the morning after pill, but has been responsible in dealing with the situation, particularly as she is only 14.

First rule of parenting teenagers - keep lines of communication open

She's probably a bit shocked herself and a calm loving mother, ready to listen to what happened, talk about it and then discuss her future behaviour and sexual responsibility will be a whole lot more useful to her than a panicking/shouty/appalled delete as appropriate parent.

Good Luck

Original poster
killerheart · 10/01/2012 11:58

It had her name on it..think the school took her yesterday as that was the date on it..shes knows all about the birds and bees,always been open about it...im very worried and upset...thank you for your advice,any is welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
killerheart · 10/01/2012 12:00

Thank you gleamingheels,very good advice..its a huge shock and at the minute i feel like having a really good scream..i do understand to be calm is best..

OP posts:
Theas18 · 10/01/2012 12:27

Deep breath. If it was my daughter the mummy in me would probably cry.

Then the "parent raising future adults to function and live as independent people" would shake my inner "mummy" firmly and mop her tears.

I think you should congratulate yourself that you have raised a 14yr old who knows to get the morning after pill if she or a mate has been at risk of pregnancy - and not only knows that she should do it but has carried through on this- that must be so hard at 14.

So get the tears and the screaming out of the way and have a coffee and a chat later along the lines of "found these, I think maybe we need a chat 'cos I'm worried about you..... but I'm also a little bit proud that you have taken action....and a bit sad you didn't tell me...... what do you think".

Find out what happened and to whom. Check that everything has been checked out re STIs (and I mean everything- the current "get tested for chlamydia by giving a wee in a pot in at school or what ever is fine but chlamydia isn't the only STI sadly ).

Find out how she feels about everything. Happy/sad/confused/coerced? Another deep breath and lack of judgement needed as whilst it might be "it all went to fast and wrong and i hated it and I'll never do it again" it might not. She may have capacity to decide that she wants to be sexually active in a responsible way ("internal mummy" running away screaming here!) and if you give out an aura of "its all very wrong don't do it" she may continue to behave as she wants but not tell you.

Good luck and do update, we'll worry!

GleamingHeels · 10/01/2012 12:51

"found these, I think maybe we need a chat 'cos I'm worried about you..... but I'm also a little bit proud that you have taken action....and a bit sad you didn't tell me...... what do you think"

Theas18 those are excellent words

GleamingHeels · 10/01/2012 12:54

KH is it possible your DD left the packaging somewhere that you could find them because a little bit of her wants you to know, but she wasn't sure how to broach the subject?

Was she unusually withdrawn or stroppy or anything yesterday?

Do come back and tell us how it goes when you talk to her

freakydeaky · 10/01/2012 14:21

Gleaming...I wondered about that, too.

Wise words, ladies, and KH, when my DD was a teen we had a couple of these 'scares'. I found it really helped to remember the mantra of "It's not you I'm unhappy/annoyed/disappointed with, it's the behaviour..." that was so useful when she was little.

Also, although your DD is in this situation, she's still very young and is possibly feeling very scared. My daughter was so relieved when she was able to lean on me at a time when she was hopelessly out of her depth. In a way, as with many crisis situations along the rocky road of parenthood :) it brought us closer together. She's 23 now, and we have a fab relationship - there's always light at the end of the tunnel and you'll get through this!

Good luck and do let us know how it goes.

percysgirl · 10/01/2012 14:51

"found these, I think maybe we need a chat 'cos I'm worried about you..... but I'm also a little bit proud that you have taken action....and a bit sad you didn't tell me...... what do you think"

Fabulous words - fabulous idea Theas18 x

GleamingHeels · 10/01/2012 17:14

KH this is probably too late now, but it has occurred to me that you might have spent all day getting into a calm place and practiced Theas18's wise words to be met with "what were you doing snooping in my room" followed by flouncing and door slamming.

Just in case, wanted to re-iterate the keeping channels of communication open message - it's likely as FreakyD and I said that she's all anxious and wound up and out of her depth.

Give her time to calm down and then try,try,try again - though not too insistently and also possibly giving her space with "we do need to talk about this, but it can wait until later. I just need to know that you're physically OK and give you a hug/hot chocolate/hot water bottle becuase I know you must be feeling a bit strange just now"

Hope it's going OK

ednurse · 10/01/2012 17:20

Agree with Theas

Original poster
killerheart · 10/01/2012 18:38

thank you..all of you! your advice has been fantastic and helped me cope a little better today and now all i feel is like i want to have a bloody good cry and go to sleep..It didnt go well at first.i did get the slamming doors and being called a nosey so and so for being in her room,but i agree with gleamingheels about the packaging being left for me to find...I still have only got half the answers i need but not pushing things for now.i think its gonna be a tense few days and the trust has gone as i will only be wondering whats shes up to if out...so she wont be going out!!! Again thank you for the advice...theas18,fab advice..xx

OP posts:
Theas18 · 10/01/2012 20:09

Glad to help killerheart. Keep talking to her. Have a non mumsnet like hug.

percysgirl · 10/01/2012 21:07

Let us know how things go KH sending Wine xx

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