first post end don't know how to manage daughter

[Blackcabmum]

Hello, this is my first post and I am looking for advice on my daughters behaviour. I don't know how to manage her rude abusive and downright confrontational attitude which feels pretty constant. She acts as though the world is against her we have spoke to her about it and she has a strong sense of right and wrong when it involves anyone other than herself, but still the nasty coments and lack of respect or care of others feelings keep coming. She lacks the ability to stop especially if she is told to. She has always been strong willed but it has got to an all time high at the min. She is 13 and i can't imagine another however many years of this I need some coping mechanisims or I am going to go mad. The behaviour affects us all and yet she seems to just move on. Any thoughts.
ps I am reassured that she is a star at school phewww...

Sounds exactly like my 13 year old dd. There's a great book which almost says it all in the title and it's called 'Get Out Of My Life (But first can you give me and alex a lift into town).

At this age they are begining to look outside the family to start trying to find their own independent way forward. It means they are programmed to reject family so that they can explore alternatives. At the same time they are not ready to launch and really need security and family who love them around.

They also have surging hormones and so much going on in their heads. My dd is also extremely well behaved at school but ppretty awful to us at home. I feel so sorry for her youger brothers sometimes because it's as if she utterly despises them.

It's hard for her too. I don't get into arguments with my dd but if she makes things too unpleasant I quietly and calmly insist she goes up to her room. It doesn't happpen very often. It's KEY to stay calm and don't pick up on her wild energy. If she refuses I calmly tell her I will confiscate her phone/tablet etc or deduct pocket money.

I also try to make a point of chatting with her when she's not wild and emotional and it's vital to listen to her.

I'll just go to find a link for the book ...

Here it is.

It's important to understand that she can't help being a bit of a mentalist at the moment. Awful hormonal swings, so many changes, her whole way of living up to date is being picked apart and she is re-wiring.

I know it's really tough for you and the rest of the family, believe me. But it's normal. I've talked to other parents with formerly mild mannered dds who turned into chair throwing, screaming loons overnight.

There are varying reports about how long it goes on. Some say they calm down a bit at around 15 .... others later.

My dd is having a hard time at school at the moment with nasty girls so I think it's particularly bad because she comes home and lets off steam which often means being horrible to her brothers and her dad.

It has got much better for both me and dh since reading the book and also since deciding to let it wash over us a bit. I think it would be worse if unexressed! I talk to the boys about the age dd is at and try to assure them its not personal.

Some say it gets better when they start their periods.

"gets better when they start their periods"... not convinced LOL

I have an 18yr old and a 12yr old (girls, and a 16yr old nearly, boy) . THe 12yr old is very mature for her age. THey are both lovely outside the home but the 12yr old is just a bag of strop at the moment!

We try to set appropriate boundaries about things that matter and not not sweat the small stuff or say "no" unless there is actually a good reason.

THe biggies don't seem to have been "teenagers" and their level headedness is helping us deal with the small stroppy miss but if she'd have been the eldest I think I'd have been bald through tearing my hair out.

best is when her big bro (6 foot plus) looks down at her teeny 5 foot nothing ball of angry, and says with a smile "you do realise how ridiculous you are being don't you!- just go do the homework" (or what ever.)

Hi Black. I agree with spider. My dd is 14 (I sometimes think it will be a miracle if she makes it to 15 !!). She is lovely, helpful, caring blah blah blah at school, but seems to change her persona as soon as she steps thru our front door. At the weekend we had a family meeting and sat around the table for an hour or so where we all took turns to get everything off our chests (I also have 4 yr old and 16 yr old ds's but obv the 4 yr old didn't get involved.) This seemed to work. We calmly explained that we would not tolerate the attitude, we didn't expect her to be perfect but at her age she knows that every action has a consequence and we are going to stick to our guns. Depending on the severity of the behaviour, we are grounding, taking away laptop/phone/whatever is favourite at the time and have another family meeting planned in a months time. It is her age and is extremely challenging but it will pass. Just try to stay as calm as you can ........ or head for the lolol

hi thanks for all the feedback it is just so good to know that we are not alone. I was really worried that this was her permenent personality rather than a phase and it is just so difficult when in impacts on all of us. Staying calm is particulary difficult as she knows just the buttons to push. I am very tolerant and let so much go but she just ups the anti. and then I loose the plot. I feel as though I am either dealing with her, thinking about her, or talking about her it is such hard bloody work.

Spidermama thanks for the book all ordered and looking forward to reading it, have, have just finished how to listen so teenagers will listen, all very good for preventing confrontation but struggling for when it does kick off. sorry to hear your dd is having a bad time with girls at school it really is brutal all the playground politics that go on.

Theas 18 I agree she is only just 13 and started her periods year and half ago, no change in personality. We always joked that she would sail through her teenage years because she had been so challenging while younger, no such luck.

Percygirl how does your daughter respond when you give out the consequences, mine laughs, gets even more angry or ends up loosing even more she just can't seem to manage her anger or respect any authority at all. In fact she does not respond well to any instructions or requests from us at home she just has to be in control over everything. It is all on her terms, and yet school is great just like yours.

She has always been a challenging child and not heped by the fact that she is the complete opposite of her elder sister and she knows/feels it even though we have always praised and accepted differences in people.
I am looking forward to keeping in touch with people on here I need some balance in it all and I think this is where i can get it otherwise it is going to be a long few years or the wine will take a battering.

Hi Hun. My DD hates having things taken away - grounding her seems to be the most effective cos obviously teenagers want to be anywhere but home. We have a lot of stomping about but the family meeting also seems to have worked - early days of course but I will let you know how that goes as the month continues
Her behaviour started to get challenging last year and I took her out to my local shopping centre (the excuse was to get new school skirts or something equally boring ) We got said item and a little treat for her and went into Costas for hot chocolate. While we were both sitting there all relaxed (well as relaxed as you can be in the circumstances) I asked her if she was that unhappy living at home as her behaviour had got so bad. We have a real heart to heart and it was actually a pleasure to be out with DD. She really opened up (turns out her periods were about to start) but we have tried to keep to having a mum/daughter outing at least one every couple of months and she knows that she'll end up getting something at the shops too!!!
Hope everything sorts itself out. Teenage girls are evil .... I know, I used to be one! :o

well another joyous morning of rudeness and nastiness but tried a new tactic of totally ignoring it, as in totally. No converstation at all when she wasn't being nice. Lets try that for a few days, its tough on the 15 dd who has the abuse also. I think it threw her as she then started on how rude I was and came up with the chesnut of me liking her sister more than her, which i know she does to get me drawn in to a conversation/argument, but I didn't. Shes gone to school with no lunch as she was so busy stomping that she didn't make it and for once I wasn't going to "nag her to do it" .
you feel as though you have done a full days work in just 2 hours now to do the day job.
Hope your all having a good day

Mine is like this too, she isn't too rude and unpleasant (mostly), but she does act as if she despises us all. It drives me mad. Will order the book!

Oh BCM - it's hard but just stick to your guns. If DD still goes on, try the "if I can't say anything nice, I'd rather not say anything at all" line ..... if she's being rude and nasty, you're not going to be able to say anything nice so you're best off not saying anything!! Well done with the not doing the lunch (I know you'll be feeling guilty around lunchtime, but she chose not to do it!). It really is a case of being cruel to be kind I think
Also, be ready to bear the brunt of her bad mood when she gets in from school later. My DD wasn't too bad this morning, just the general stomping around (I actually think she is incapable of walking up the stairs without said stomp :) ) And of course it was my fault that the sweatshirt she wanted to wear under her blazer () was all crumpled up on the chair in her bedroom. Aahh ... that must have been the night-time crumpling fairies then!!
Is it too early for pringles and ??? lol

Wow she makes her own lunch? That's impressive. Mine wouldn't be able to cope with making her own lunch as she's got so much to do to organise her schoolbag and breakfast.

Mine used a similar tactic this morning before school saying how chrystal clear it is that we all dislike her (ie the whole family).

I think it's fine to ignore her but I would let her know what you're doing and why so she knows it's not just meant to be nasty. Say, 'I don't want to get involved with conversations with you when you are in this mood. When you're feeling less angry and are ready to talk respectfully to me, I'd love to chat with you'.

I think you need to spell out what behaviour you expect and what's unacceptable.

My DD wouldn't be able to make her own lunch either (being able to pour cereal in a bowl for breakfast is about her limit!!) - but she does make a lovely cup of tea for me ....... normally when she wants money/a lift/new outfit/stay up later etc etc

just got the txt.... mum I have no lunch.
We do talk in behavioural terms and she know exactly what we expect she just chooses not to do it or at times genuinly can't help it, either way I'm not going to tolerate it. We are always reinforcing that we love her and it is the things she does we don't like not her.
Both my dd started making their own lunch when I got fed up the moaning about whats in it ( back to dd needing to control everything)
Percygirl: I think 12 o clock could be the new 6 o clock except Im trying not to drink in the week at the min, not sure how long it will last. Could be one thing to many to deal with.

Mary, I agree, but I really really struggle with it. I still keep trying to engage with dd like she likes me

Maryz has it - never rise to it. Channel your inner actress and say 'Really?' and 'How sad you feel like that'. I looked at it as a personal challenge.

They do get better eventually.

BUT IT'S SO HARD

Really? No sarky retorts? No digs? No retorts?

I can't do it.

But but

What doesn't help is that ds (14) is still lovely and he and I chat away and laugh while dd looks at us with a curled lip and makes snide remarks. She doesn't want to go out with me on her own for a lovely female thing, and she doesn't want to join in with the family. It makes me so sad.

So after I've been laughing with ds I turn to her and chat and get the ol slap round the chops and it's always a shock.

But it's sad and lonely, isn't it?

I suppose I just really don't want it to get to that.

I'm through to the other side of it now (two adult children and I'm blocking out all thoughts of eight year old as a teenager) but mine were monsterous teens.

Never show weakness, don't get upset (Christ, no) and remember they only want to hurt you and rip out your heart it for a short while. Enjoy

Disclaimer: It wasn't all bad...

My friend has always said that: 13=3, 14= 4 etc

She has two children 10 yrs apart and she treats them in exactly the same way!

It does feel really hurtful - my daughter used to say some evil things to me. She held me in complete contempt and I would feel heartbroken. But I realised that if I stayed calm she could kick off about how crap and stupid we all were safely.

By sixteen, we had a great and very honest relationship (and we can now laugh about her tantrums)

I would pour it all out to my friends though, poor things