first post end don't know how to manage daughter

[Blackcabmum]

Hello, this is my first post and I am looking for advice on my daughters behaviour. I don't know how to manage her rude abusive and downright confrontational attitude which feels pretty constant. She acts as though the world is against her we have spoke to her about it and she has a strong sense of right and wrong when it involves anyone other than herself, but still the nasty coments and lack of respect or care of others feelings keep coming. She lacks the ability to stop especially if she is told to. She has always been strong willed but it has got to an all time high at the min. She is 13 and i can't imagine another however many years of this I need some coping mechanisims or I am going to go mad. The behaviour affects us all and yet she seems to just move on. Any thoughts.
ps I am reassured that she is a star at school phewww...

It's odd, on the one hand I am grateful it's just dd, on the other I feel guilty about getting on well with ds and not her EVEN THO IT'S HER CHOICE.

I don't want to get all hard and tough

I want her to love me again.

She does love you hully. She's just rewiring.

I've downloaded that book on kindle (get me) hope it helps.

It's all a poo bum isn't it?

I don't mind her rewiring, I just don't see why she can't be nicer. I keep suggesting she pretend we are her friends and treat us like she does them. ha de ha.

well It sounds like this is normal life, and I am sad that we are all going through it but so relieved that it isn't that abnormal.
Laura 16 16 16 bloody hell that feels a long way away, my dd just 13 one day at a time at the min for me if I thought it was going to be like this for that long I would have to give up now.
My dd has just gone to youth club on the way out she said " I'm really good outside the house so I'm not going to talk to anyone about stuff" I suggested that perhaps she could be like that at home she replied " I couldn't possibly do that". They do know how to make you laugh as well as cry.
Is is wine o clock yet??

Yes Yes BCM deffo wine o'clock :o

I heard a great quote when I was first raising a teen..

The 12 year old has more bad days then good, the 14 year old has more good days then bad. Essentially - it will get better, albeit slowly..My teen is now lovely, we have a great relationship and the bad days are forgotten (but going through it I read every teen book that I could).

What surprises me is that young families are given support, spaces in car parks, HV's etc but I think parents with teens need special treatment - maybe chill out areas in coffee bars reserved for parents with teens

my 11yo is like this. it's so upsetting. i rise to the bait every time. I'm going to try Maryz's tactics next.

(we had a particularly bad argument yesterday, and today she is being lovely).

and i'm going to download that book.

well what a weekend...... I started to write it all down and then realised that it was just a catologue of crap that you didn't really need to hear. Where are you all finding your counselling for your families and young people?

Of course we need to hear!

My ds is 17 and has just stopped all this . Started at about 14 and was really bad at 15/16. My advice is bite your tongue and pick your fights and love them regardless.

Great advice Noddy. I'm trying to drum this into dh cos he takes it all so personally.

Ah hello spider! I have to say we started out like that but we got NOWHERE! It is hard not to take it personally My ds used to call me a schizo ????? which was really upsetting and we had some humdingers but it really does just take time

maryz small mercies Thank god things a bit better for you!

thanks guys, you know when you are just so tired of living it, talking it and thinking about it I just started to write this morning and then deleted it all because it was so exhausting. She basically ruined my dd1 birthday, walked out and scared the shit out of me and herself at 8pm at night ( she did come home) . Tried really hard to make amends on sat. Shes got such low self esteem and was telling us that she doesn't want to be who she is and wishes she could start her life again and that she was having bad thoughts. Did all the usual reassuring its never to late to change, one step at a time, we can't be good all the time and that bad thoughts can be normal so good to talk about them etc etc etc. Then suday was more of the same old same but not on the same scale. Another heart to heart sun pm and today has been a good day so far. So thats why I was asking how you guys have found your counsellors, as I am assuming that people will specialise in young adults and just want to be prepared for if she wants to go down that route. I think it would be really good for her to have another adult to talk to.

thanks for the support and I must admit that reading other peoples situations does put life into proportion but also makes me scared about what the future may hold for her and want to do all I can now.

I feel for you, it is an absolute nightmare.
My DD nearly 14 has been awful. Have had police involved, she's run away, been violent, swears at me etc etc.
I have found that being extra extra nice to her ( REALLY REALLY difficult when I actually want to throttle her) helps. I give her lots and lots of hugs...she just stands there with her arms by her sides. When she kicks off I talk to her in a really stupid voice and she finds it hard not to laugh.
She started shouting at me a while ago because I hadn't washed her school trousers ( I had but she'd chucked them on the floor under her bed) I started doing an impression of a chimp! She stared at me in horror, then couldn't help but laugh. It doesn't work all the time though but makes me feel better!
She has been a real sweetie this last week. My dad had a heart attack. When I got home from hospital she'd cleaned and tidied and hoovered the whole house.
As hard as it is try and make sure you heap plenty of praise on her. I realised that I said so many negative things to my DD that she just switched off to everything. I can see her visibly swell up with chuftness when I prasie her.

I read that book, Get Out of my Life, But First etc.

Brilliant.

V helpful, thanks for the recommendation!

I have just finished reading it and thought it was brilliant.
I have worked really hard at at not getting drawn into long debates, been much more aware of the buttons she is pressing in me and not responding to every coment made. It has led to a much calmer week so far but I am not holding my breath. How is it going for you Hully? I am going to re read it as still have bits I am not sure about, what do you do if they just don't stop when asked/told ie taking her sisters phone and refusing to give it back. You can state that it needs to stop but what then? The book doesn't appear to condone punishment as an effective tool so what do you do in this situation?I am sure there is a stratagy in the book somewhere just need to re read.
Hope you are all having an ok week