Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

first post end don't know how to manage daughter

60 replies

Blackcabmum · 10/01/2012 09:11

Hello, this is my first post and I am looking for advice on my daughters behaviour. I don't know how to manage her rude abusive and downright confrontational attitude which feels pretty constant. She acts as though the world is against her we have spoke to her about it and she has a strong sense of right and wrong when it involves anyone other than herself, but still the nasty coments and lack of respect or care of others feelings keep coming. She lacks the ability to stop especially if she is told to. She has always been strong willed but it has got to an all time high at the min. She is 13 and i can't imagine another however many years of this I need some coping mechanisims or I am going to go mad. The behaviour affects us all and yet she seems to just move on. Any thoughts.
ps I am reassured that she is a star at school phewww...

OP posts:

Hullygully · 20/01/2012 09:38

Hi, the bit I found most helpful was the psychology: the pull b/n still being a baby, and the drive for independence, it makes it much easier to understand dd's behaviour! And most importantly, not to take it personally...

Also agree re the not getting into conflicts and having v clear rules stated and kept to.

I don't know what I'll do if there is an absolute refusal/defiance. Haven't had that yet!

I liked what was said about the schoolwork too, I felt vindicated!

berlingo · 23/01/2012 05:07

thanks for this thread everyone. i can identify with so much of blackcabs experience. the comment about spending so much time dealing with and thinking about your teen was particulary apt for me as it is the reason i am reading this thread at 5am! i was looking for some solace and found it. so thanks again- it has been said many times but it so good to know you are not alone.

Original poster

Blackcabmum · 25/01/2012 10:45

to all those mums out there with challenging daughters. Hows your week been??
Since our last massive blow up and the trying of a new stratagy ( killing with kindness and ignoring alot) we have had a much calmer week, still not particulary nice at times but definatly clamer.
hows it been for you? whats worked and not worked.
.

OP posts:

BeattieBow · 25/01/2012 11:42

I bought the book but haven't read it yet. I have tried though not to rise to the bait when she gets all horrible with me. It's tough though! I just look serene (in my head) and walk away.

Twit · 25/01/2012 23:27

I have a challenging son, may I join you?

I will download that book I think. I am worried I am failing him and the rest of my DC's ATM if I'm honest.

Original poster

Blackcabmum · 26/01/2012 08:49

Beattiebow - I am finding it really hard work to keep serene and continue to be nice even though they are being horrible to you. I have to think of everything I say and do, I am hoping that it will become more natural the more we do it, at the min though it is exhausting. It is fascinating to watch them change their tactics as you do.

Oh yes Twit, join us I don't think challening times (and that is when we are being polite) are unique to girls. Us mums need to stick together.

OP posts:

mamaintears · 26/01/2012 10:40

can I please join in? Would like some advice as my relationship with DD is breaking my heart. DD is 16 and reduces me to tears (I am guilty of being very, very emotional), I wish I wasn't but there you are. Every days seems to be a struggle. She totally ignores me when I ask her to keep her room and bathroom tidy so that I can clean. I have just given up on the cleaning bit now since this week but she really couldn't care less. The toilet is frequently unflushed and sink filthy. Clothes on the floor and not in the laundry bag, dropped items on floo that never get picked up (used cotton buds, wet wipes). Today she asked my opinion on her outfit (she already knew it wasn't working) and I told her it was not a good look. I must have pulled a face at the time because she snapped and sneered at me for doing so even though she had asked my opinion. I walked away without saying anything while she shouts after me 'what do you want'. 2 minutes later she is asking me to take her to rail station (she would be late for college otherwise) so I immediately stopped what I was doing and drove to station. On the way there I again, she accused me of being in a bad mood so I told her that her attitude towards me is not acceptable, I do not deserve to be snapped and sneered at and I will not have it. When we got to station she said bye but snapped at me again when she saw my sad face (yes I know, but I can't hide my emotions), and snapped 'whats your problem?' This has become a standard saying of hers when she speaks to me which |I think is amazingly rude. Anyway, thank you for reading, I drove away in floods of tears because I just don't get how she is so constantly shitty with me each and every day. I try to ignore it but as I said already, I really am an overly emotional person and sadly she just breaks my heart

bigTillyMint · 26/01/2012 17:32

mamaintears, is that my DD you are talking about? And mine isn't 13 yet - how many years have I got to come?

We had another almighty row with DD last night - about rudeness. She tried to turn it all on us, saying we do x, y and z, etc. DH says we have to be really tough and not let he get away with it (he is very experienced with teen behaviour at work) and said her friend couldn't come round after school tonight. He says we should start saying "no" to things just to make her realise that she has to earn the right to do stuff. He is probably right.....

Original poster

Blackcabmum · 27/01/2012 09:20

It sounds as though we could all write the same stuff there are so many similarities between us all. I find that fact really helpful as it confirms that the behaviour isn't unique to my child and therefore is not neccesarily a permanant character trait.

To those of you who havn't yet and are struggling, do read the book, "get out of my life: but first take me and alex to town" it takes a lot of the sting out of those arguments and certainly helps with the emotional upheaval of it all it also helps you to sort out what is important. It gives permission to let stuff go and it doesn't mean you have lost control in fact quite the opposite. I don't have to have the last word is a great lesson learnt for me.

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 27/01/2012 17:42

I have that book! I have read half of it. I need to get back to it, though DD much better since we tod her we won't be paying the deposit for the trip till she starts being more polite

Flip

1 2 3