My teenage son is out of control

[TeenagerHELP]

Hello Mums & Dads!

I am hoping to draw on the experiences and expertise of those here who have had "problem" teenagers or those that simply have had any experience or simply those sound of head with some good advice.

As you will know by the topic this is about my teenage son. He is no ordinary teenage son, but one diagnosed, for what it is worth, with sensory processing disorder, (by one of the several people he has seen). He has whilst growing up shown signs of ADHD, ADD, Autism etc and everything else in these groups but never really any clear diagnosis and with several "experts" telling us he is perfectly normal, something they would not say had they have to live with his daily antics and frustrations. However a diagnosis is not easy and he can come across as very "normal" when he wants too and one on one he is a darling.

He is no longer 7, or 8, or 9 however.. He is now 15 and his behavior is spiraling into new directions, directions that are not taking him to good places.

In the past 2 months alone he has stolen from me, my partner and two of our younger children (their bday money). When caught he sneaks through in the middle of the night and reclaims what was momentarily within his grasp the previous evening.

He has stolen 2 boxes of fireworks which were saved for new year. My younger children did not get the fireworks display they so wanted to see.

He has stolen alcohol. And continues to do so where and when possible.

He has stolen cigarettes. And continues to do so where and when possible.

In bulk amounts, not a few here and there and the stealing carries on regardless

He has punched holes in our walls, broken a window, a door, and our car windowscreen as well as shooting my computer monitor with a toy gun, £300 down the drain.

He has not been attending school as much as he aught, and when he does he is asked to leave almost every class he is in due to disruptive behavior. He has been suspended multiple times.

He has abused old ladies.

He has threatened young boys. (He is 6 foot tall, size 36 waist and 14 stone)

He has scared motorists to the point where they have to pull over. (Amazing what you can see in their facebook accounts)

And lord knows what else that he has not been caught for.

I simply do not know what to do any more. He has issues I know, but do not misjudge their severity. Despite his ADHD/ADD style problems, he is also an intelligent young lad who with a bit of effort could overcome his problems and thrive. He is not completely stupid and knows his rights from wrong. But the road he is going down is simply not a good one, for him, myself, my partner or our other 4 children. It is the road to destruction and he has almost reached its end.

We have tried love, talking, activities, family days out, understanding and patience.

We have tried punishment, no xbox, no internet, no friends round, grounding him (he just jumps out the window)

We have tried reward systems.

However he has this "i'm not bovvered" attitude. He simply does not care. He can talk the talk, but out of earshot he is at it again, the "it" being whatever he feels like or takes his fancy at the time.

I do not know what to do. I have 5 children and he is but 1 yet takes up the majority of our time dealing with the aftermath of his antics.

My relationship with my partner is at breaking point.

My business is suffering.

My stress levels are through the roof.

And I simply, simply, simply, have no idea what to do.

Do I do jail time for him? Lock him down? Strip his room? Give him a set of gray PJ's and take all his clothes from him?

Do I let him carry on regardless?

Do I carry on with the loving approach?

Do I seek help?

Who do I seek help from?

He is 16 this year!

I am at my wits end and any and all advice would be appreciated. I have only touched upon what he gets up to and what we have tried. I could write a book on it all.

Thank you for reading.

Sorry to restart an old thread but I am the original poster and have not revisited due to an extremely stressful time.

I thought I would update the thread in the hope I could give others some advice and perspective on the situations that have arisen since. This really has been a most excellent thread with lots of good replies and advice. Maryz has provided some excellent insight and I really did try to put your perspective into some action in my life, however things have just deteriorated too much now.

I have since split up with my partner, which is terrible, terrible for us and terrible for our 5 children. The split has been bitter, and horrible. And the main situation has not changed at all.

My ds is now so far out of control it has been causing hourly arguments, and having left our family home it continues to do so. I took the approach where I wanted him to be aware of consequences, she took the approach where she believed love was the answer. This is fairly typical of fathers and mothers, but problem lies when one does not respect the others decision, from both sides.

We took him out of school after yet another suspension for swearing at teachers, there really was little point keeping him there to get into further trouble and especially when educationally it was worth next to nothing. The school have bordered on useless when dealing with his sensory processing disorder which has not helped but I do feel that we as parents are to blame too as we have not worked in harmony. I am your typical hard working white collar dad, and his mother is your typical stay at home loving mother and we disagree to large extents on how to deal with his behaviour. I do now beleive we could have worked it out, but things have gotten too far now. We should have shared our responsibilities, i should have trusted her loving approach and she should have trusted my consequence approach. Had we agreed not to interfere with each others decisions at the time things may have been different.

I think Mary was right - maybe it was time to let be, and concentrate on the others. However ds was/is only 15 and I thought there was still a chance and maybe there is. DM considered alt therapies which have never worked for him, largely because he simply will not participate, I have wanted to try "lock down" but she would not let me. But the abuses now have ranged from sexual battery through to breaking and entering and the differences between our parenting methods is just too huge to reconcile. I could just not stand there any more and see her say "But he is just a good boy with problems". The arguments have been immense. His behaviour is affecting ourselves and other families in such a way as to make him a danger. Some families now avoid us and bully our other children because of his behaviour. Personaly I wanted action, I love him but wanted to give him tough love. DM and I fell out. Again and again.

I could go on, and be bitter, I am extremely so. I miss all my children so much and living away from them is a complete nightmare to be honest. This has been hell, and to make it worse, i had to leave the women I love and I had to leave all my children. I say the word had, it was just not possible or healthy to stay any more.

Mary offered up some excellent advice, most of it for older children and some of her experiences of younger. If you can make it through these testing stages without a breakup then perhaps it is time to let go at the later stages if the problems still persist. For me though, it seems I will not be there for that. For others, do try, try and try some more. It might not be easy but remember the love you had for your partner when you first met, remember that forever. :-) And also remember to let your partner be. If they make a decision because they had to deal with a problem without you, then respect it, this goes for both sides. I have my failures in this as did my partner.

My Son is behaving much the same way with no medical reason. I can't believe either, utter astonishment. Over the last x3 yrs Ran the house phone bill up, downloaded hard core porn, music, films & games. Banned from Asda for being with shoplifters. Banned from Debenhams for breaking the lift. Banned from Wilkinsons for actual shop lifting charged £90.00. Bike wheels stolen on night of arrest from his new Barracuda costing £80.00 each. All night house party with out permission damage to the house. Smoking cigarettes. Smoking weed. Stealing my cash. Stealing food. Stealing alcohol. Sneaking onto Xbox & computer in the middle of the night. Skiving off school, Skiving off college. Kicked out of college so no A levels & we lost benefits. Borrowed £80.00 could,nt pay it back. Last month arrested for Pocession with intent to deal, resisting arrest & actual injury to a police officer. Had to pay drug dealer £100.00 back. Ran up a £135.00 mobile bill .Yesterday found out he's opened accounts on web & bought just under £300.00 worth of stuff useing his retired disabled Grand Mother's card details. Until x3 years ago My Son was a wonderful human being. Now he is behaving like scum. He has been fully grounded, keys removed, pocket money stopped, computer removed & lost some good friends. I have had to asppologise to Mum & warn friends not to leave thier bank cards out if he ever goes round again. I've gone to hell in a hand bag & have no idea what else to do. Is this really what we just have to put up with in the 21st Century. Suggestions most welcome. Your Son needs some sort of medication by the sounds. They all need a damned good shake & sharp shock. Gob smacked

My oldest son will be 17 in a few months and has in the last month become a complete nightmare. It has coincided with a girlfriend coming on the scene. He has always been difficult to get up and get him to do work but in the end he does it. However, now I feel like I am living in a freak show. I am a very private person so I find his ranting and raving hideously embarrassing (and he knows it). Yesterday both sets of neighbours were in the garden when he started shouting some nonsense which really upset me as he seemed to enjoy the audience. We've had more of the same today and I'm worn out.

Going through very similar situation at present. I would love to know, 7 years down the line, how these teenagers are doing now. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

This is such a helpful thread I’m glad to see it back.

Heartbreaking thread. How is the OP and MaryZ these days?

I found this thread amazing and I am off now to try and restart my broken relationship with my 15 year-old. He is many things people here have described and I am weary. The most helpful being stopping trying to gain control and dropping all but a couple of house rules.

Updates required from you wonderful people please

Hi all, first time poster here. I came across this thread when searching the internet for help, we are at the end of our tether with our 14 yr old son. The situation is the same as many of you on this thread have described, drink, drugs, no school, agression. Many charges from the police for breach of peace, assault, vandalism.

Recently it looked like there might have been a positive when he started doing some work one day a week, not getting into trouble when working and appeared to be quite settled at home. However, we have now had a couple of people inform us he is taking mdma and drinking, and they are reliable sources including a (ex) friend of his mothers who had found out from her son as they had both been doing it. He steals, we no lknger have any drink in the house and money is locked away. We cant leave tobacco in our own room or anywhere in the house or it disappears too. When challenged, or questioned nicely about his behaviour, everything spirals and the agression comes out. We have lost doors, holes in walls, phones broke, basically everything is in danger when he spirals. I can still restrain him but what good does it do - he just runs out door or jumps out window to get away.

We have involved Social Work but have not had any change, we got to breaking point a little while ago when the police returned him 'out his face' and we told them he couldnt come into the house - we have a 12 yr old daughter. Phoned the emergency social work who told us they cant take him, and police told us they cant keep him - so basically nobody can do anything to help. We are at the point we want to evict him from the house because we cant take it any longer but there is nowhere for him to go. We both work, rarely drink - the better half has not had a single drink in 4 years, I have had one night out this year because the risk is too high if we go out and enjoy ourselves then he can get up to even worse and we cant get to him. We cant get a holiday, he would refuse to come and we cant get anyone to watch them for a night so we could get some much needed peace. I honestly dont know what to do anymore, we have tried everything we can think of - punishment, reward, unattachment from him (mentally) and complete opposite by trying to involve him in everything.

I hope that everything worked out for all of you who posted this 7 years ago, and think I just need to let me thoughts out. We tell people the truth about him, but probably make it sound better than the reality is.

Well done to all of you who have succeeded, and tried so hard. Hope you got your rewards

I’m so sorry. The work still sounds like a positive. I’m stunned by the total lack of support for you. I can only think he has to get there himself. I take it police and camhs have had nothing to offer.