My teenage son is out of control

[TeenagerHELP]

Hello Mums & Dads!

I am hoping to draw on the experiences and expertise of those here who have had "problem" teenagers or those that simply have had any experience or simply those sound of head with some good advice.

As you will know by the topic this is about my teenage son. He is no ordinary teenage son, but one diagnosed, for what it is worth, with sensory processing disorder, (by one of the several people he has seen). He has whilst growing up shown signs of ADHD, ADD, Autism etc and everything else in these groups but never really any clear diagnosis and with several "experts" telling us he is perfectly normal, something they would not say had they have to live with his daily antics and frustrations. However a diagnosis is not easy and he can come across as very "normal" when he wants too and one on one he is a darling.

He is no longer 7, or 8, or 9 however.. He is now 15 and his behavior is spiraling into new directions, directions that are not taking him to good places.

In the past 2 months alone he has stolen from me, my partner and two of our younger children (their bday money). When caught he sneaks through in the middle of the night and reclaims what was momentarily within his grasp the previous evening.

He has stolen 2 boxes of fireworks which were saved for new year. My younger children did not get the fireworks display they so wanted to see.

He has stolen alcohol. And continues to do so where and when possible.

He has stolen cigarettes. And continues to do so where and when possible.

In bulk amounts, not a few here and there and the stealing carries on regardless

He has punched holes in our walls, broken a window, a door, and our car windowscreen as well as shooting my computer monitor with a toy gun, £300 down the drain.

He has not been attending school as much as he aught, and when he does he is asked to leave almost every class he is in due to disruptive behavior. He has been suspended multiple times.

He has abused old ladies.

He has threatened young boys. (He is 6 foot tall, size 36 waist and 14 stone)

He has scared motorists to the point where they have to pull over. (Amazing what you can see in their facebook accounts)

And lord knows what else that he has not been caught for.

I simply do not know what to do any more. He has issues I know, but do not misjudge their severity. Despite his ADHD/ADD style problems, he is also an intelligent young lad who with a bit of effort could overcome his problems and thrive. He is not completely stupid and knows his rights from wrong. But the road he is going down is simply not a good one, for him, myself, my partner or our other 4 children. It is the road to destruction and he has almost reached its end.

We have tried love, talking, activities, family days out, understanding and patience.

We have tried punishment, no xbox, no internet, no friends round, grounding him (he just jumps out the window)

We have tried reward systems.

However he has this "i'm not bovvered" attitude. He simply does not care. He can talk the talk, but out of earshot he is at it again, the "it" being whatever he feels like or takes his fancy at the time.

I do not know what to do. I have 5 children and he is but 1 yet takes up the majority of our time dealing with the aftermath of his antics.

My relationship with my partner is at breaking point.

My business is suffering.

My stress levels are through the roof.

And I simply, simply, simply, have no idea what to do.

Do I do jail time for him? Lock him down? Strip his room? Give him a set of gray PJ's and take all his clothes from him?

Do I let him carry on regardless?

Do I carry on with the loving approach?

Do I seek help?

Who do I seek help from?

He is 16 this year!

I am at my wits end and any and all advice would be appreciated. I have only touched upon what he gets up to and what we have tried. I could write a book on it all.

Thank you for reading.

I posted my first message a few minutes ago then read through the start of this. Talk about putting things inperspective. Tears. MZ you are amazing and have my utmost respect and I hope TH can come through as strong as you.

Maryz he won't come to the gp with me. When I go to get his Ritalin prescription I have to go on my own and then he refuses to take it.

I totally agree with the self medicating thing and think if he could get some anti depressants he would benefit from them, however he is extremely anti medicine just now having suffered side effects on the ritalin before the dose was reduced. I don't understand how he can take all these dreadful drugs and not want to try any helpful, legal ones...maybe that's it just there...he is rebelling and being defiant as he is in denial. The drugs worker is setting him up to see a clinical psychologist.

The violence; we have made extremely clear that we have a right to not only physical but emotional safety in our house and if he abuses that right I will call the police. Without hesitation. We have talked about getting a punchbag many times but he always goes off the idea...I think I need to get one anyway. (easier said than done when you are fire fighting daily.)

Counselling is being set up for us as a family...I am really hopefull this will help.

Everyone we have dealt with so far, parent partnership services, gp, private psychologist, CAMHs, college, Locality team, parental support worker, in school support worker, youth worker, drugs worker....have all had it reiterated in no uncertain terms just how much I want to help him and how hard I try to do the right things and look after not only him but the whole family as well. They know that I take DS2 safety extremely seriously and I will continue to reinforce that.

Thank you for replying to my post and for showing me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I wish you and your family every success, you should be incredibly proud of your son for getting through it but for yourself especially for being such an amazing Mum.

Thank you for being brave enough to post on here and be so honest. If there was less stigma attached to this sort of thing more support would be there from everyday people rather than misguided rubbish advice or judgemental comments that make you feel like shit.

TH so sorry for hijacking, but hope you feel some of it useful/relevant? Good luck with it all and know you are not alone...sending you big supportive hugs right now.

I have on comment to make just wow - what great parents you are (even tho I guess at times you don't feel so great)

no!!

My DS age 16 does not have any diagnosed problems. A typical teen but that is hard enough. He now lives in the garage which has been insulated and has carpet. His TV and XBox are in there. He will play all day and all evening. He also has a loo and a sink and we are putting a shower in too soon.

He is usually agressive but occasionally can be pleasant. He wont usually eat any food that i make and will either eat nothing or cereal and complains about the food on offer.

He did take GCSE's and thankfully did well but he is one of the lucky ones who has an incredible memory and he relies on that to pass exams.

He is rude and arrogant, refuses to help, get up, go to bed, blah, blah, blah. Frustrating. Aargh. Wishing you all well. Wont get a Saturday job - very arrogant - all beneath him.

just wanted to say how fabulous I think you all are

Just want to say that reading this strikes a chord with me. I also have a 15 year old son with ASD and also Tourette's syndrome, who is "a toddler in a man's body" and behaves in a way that I would never tolerate if my partner behaved in the same way. My son has a very short fuse, can be violent, swears, rants, kicks walls and furniture, throws stuff, knocks over chairs and is never wrong about anything - but he is socially and emotionally very, very immature and is like a much younger child. Thanks for your posts, they are very helpful and makes me realise that my son isn't the only one and that we are not the only family suffering. I can't believe there is hope to be honest, but reading these makes me try to be more optimistic about the future.
Autism has ruined our life and it is hard to imagine that things will ever be better.

OneWaySB - nothing stays the same for very long. I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering too...we are still struggling and probably will do for a very long time yet, but as long as there is Mumsnet and as long as I know I'm not alone (that one is really important!) and as long as I know I have tried my absolute best to do the right thing at any on given point in time, I know I will be ok.

Whether DS is ok? -well that is up to him actually. I have taken Maryz's advice and taken a huge step back and detached myself. Not sure it's made a massive amount of difference to DS but has made a huge difference to me. Far less emotionally exhausted than I was, and DS is coming to realise he needs to work for my affections a bit more.

I have also been quite shocked at people's reactions when I have come clean and been honest about what we are going through. They are being far more understanding and supportive than I expected. Thank you for making me face this more openly.

This is what I love about Mumsnet. It's not about what colour pants I'm wearing today or how bitchy my MIL might or might not be, but about real honest support from people who really understand. I know I'd be lost without it.

TH, hope you don't mind if I come back and post about how things are going with us from time to time...remember, we are in this together. Let us know how you are getting on too.

In the meantime I'm going to put the kettle on and keep on going!

Another struggling mum here! We have two DSs, eldest is almost 22 and has ASD and learning difficulties. Life is a roller coaster, one moment he is sweet and loving - like a little child wanting constant cuddles and kisses. The next, he is ranting swearing and throwing things at me. I have name changed a few times as I was "TotallyUtterlyDesperate" and then "NotQuiteSoDesperate" as his behaviour swung from one extreme to another.

We have been driven to tears many times and I am now very ill as my health has collapsed through stress. DS2 has now gone to Uni and I miss him so much as he is my rock (DH is also disabled), but DS2 needs to get away and live his own life.

DS1 seems to be getting a bit better, though (hope I haven't spoken too soon). He had his first ever job over Christmas, which was amazing for him! But we have to watch out for the latest obsession each time. The newest one is washing his hands until they crack and bleed. I try to teach him how to look after himself, but he won't listen to me.

Anyway, sorry for the essay. I just wanted you to know that there are lots of families with difficult children. You are not alone.

Thank you, Teenagerhelp and MaryZed, and others, for posting and discussing all this so openly and honestly. I logged on here today because I have had a baaaaaad day week few weeks few months with my son, and I don't feel quite so alone now.

I almost wish he had some kind of syndrome to help explain why he was behaving so badly - but he doesn't - he is just acting like a total sh*t. As you said MaryZ, if he had been an adult or a partner, I would've thrown him out by now... I'm still close...

I feel like he crossed a line tonight and I have rarely if ever been so angry with him. I stupidly left the key to my cashbox (which I bought because he steals from me) on my desk (I took them out of my pocket when I changed my trousers) and he stole £20 from it that was his little brother's birthday money. He's stolen before, but it feels like a much bigger deal because of the context: over Christmas and New Year he gained access to my savings and stole £850 from me to buy M-Cat and skunk and less potent weed. He 'confessed' to me on 6th Jan, swore he was sorry and would change, and that he would get a job or do chores to pay me back. And he has done jobs most days since... And I think he has stopped the M-Cat, tho not the skunk and weed...

But today he couldn't be arsed, and I got angry and did a fair bit of nagging and shouting, and he walked out without doing his jobs, and I blocked his phone (I pay the contract and since I am not giving him an allowance at the mo, under the circumstances, it is my only 'hold'), and then he found the key and stole what he found as a kind of 'revenge'.

When I found out I felt a kind of steely fury (I can understand now how anger can kill you)... I texted him and told him I would call the police if he wasn't home with £20 by 9pm. He borrowed a phone and told me he was on his way. He was home with a tenner by 9.10pm. I did some shouting, then told him he had a choice: he could hand over his phone and ground himself for a week (I haven't been able to ground him since he got bigger than me; the last time I tried was a couple of years ago, and he laughed at me, climbed out the window and ran away), and he could stay at home except for dog-walking and college and do jobs, or I would call the police and have him arrested for theft of the £20 and the previous £850, and I wouldn't have him back. He has handed over his phone, and I have sent him to his room, and he has gone.

I have told him I am not at all sure that I shouldn't have him arrested anyway. I have told him if he does not keep himself grounded, or if he does not do his jobs, or if he gets attitude again, I will call the police.

We had a show-down last Monday too. He wouldn't get out of bed for college, and when I tried to make him, we had a row, and when I stomped away downstairs ranting that I had had enough and I wanted him gone, he raced ahead of me and ripped the phone out of the wall, so I felt unsafe, and like I had no option but to call the police. They attended, and calmed things down a bit, but he 'ran away' for the day and didn't come home til he was very cold and hungry.

He is 17 in a couple of months, and I have told him if he carries on like this, I will chuck him out, or he can see if the army will have him. I want so badly not to be living with this kind of stress, and it is not fair on my younger son. I have spent the last 3 years trying to work out what to do for the best. He is bright, and stubborn, and impulsive, and selfish, and out of control. I definitely cannot control him - and there are no other adults in his life - so if he cannot control himself, and pdq too, I can't see any other options but to get the police involved, or get him into the army if they'll have him. And I never, ever, ever thought I'd say that.

MaryZed, you have some wisdom - hard won, I'll bet :) You said no-one talks about all this. It's taboo. I wonder how many other parents and siblings are being made miserable by their teenagers? I live a sort of Jeckyl and Hyde life - pretending everything is normal at work and then coming home to this madness.

You also talked about stopping trying to 'make him' do things and 'taking the emotion out of the relationship'. I can see these are two very good bits of advice. I don't know whether I can do them - especially the emotion bit - because I am soooooooooooooooooo hurt and angry and bereaved by the loss of my sweet baby boy... But I can see they are worth a try.

Anyway, thanks again for posting :)

MaryZ that is such good news!

Happy for you.

Ok. We have had a really bad week or so with DS 15.

Flow4 I could have written your post myself, and I really feel for you because I am living the same life as you just now. Everyday I get up and put my make up on and smile as though everything is fine in the world while inside I am dying. The stress! I'm exhausted.

DS has been at home for approximately 45 mins in the last week. He has taken to going on week long benders where he takes MDMA and doesn't really get in touch for days on end. If he returns home he rants at us to give him money which we don't of course, but my 4 year old has to witness this. Ok he hasn't stolen from us. Yet. He is slowly working his way through his belongings, selling things to pay for the drugs. So far he has sold his Ipod touch for £35 and his watch which was worth £270 (a gift from his uncle) for £45. The rest he is getting on credit and this is what is really worrying me. I suspect there is a possibility he is being groomed to become a dealer.

The come downs are horrendous, which makes me wonder what on earth he is actually taking, whether it is cut with all sorts of nasties etc. He doesn't eat or sleep for days on end. he has a drugs worker and we are having some family counselling but he says all the right things and then just goes and repeats the wrong things.

We have tried everything we can possibly think of. Now we are considering relocating to a different county to be closer to our parents and to give him a better chance...if we can get him away from these people then maybe we have a chance...and if there is more for him to do on offer ie in a town rather than a deadend village in the middle of nowhere, then perhaps he will be ok? We have nothing to lose anymore, so it's worth a try for any potential gain....just hoping we can get a mortgage and sell our house but if it's menat to be it will happen.

He came home night before last and actualy slept in his bed for first time in 7days. He went out in the morning yesterday to sell his watch and settle his debts. He did actually ring me to tell me he had done this so not to worry! He said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again as he can't handle the come downs and it's not worth it, but he said all that the time before too. Then he came home and had a meal and a shower before going out again. he texted me to tell me he was with an old school friend and that he would be home for bed. Woke up this morning and he had not been home...he's not answering his phone because he's either asleep somewhere or high as a kite.

We will not bale him out. We are being fairly emotionally detached with im and stating that we love him but that we cannot tolerate this. It's his life and they are his choices but if he chooses this path we will not back him up.

College starts again on Monday. Since half term began he hasn't been straight for one day and has had one night's sleep that I know of. His attendence is a huge issue and I'm waiting fo rhim to be chucked off the course, which will mean more free time for doing drugs.

SS don't want to know. My husband and I have called them so many times to beg that they find him a foster family as we can't cope anymore to be told that we should just ring the police when he is violent, or missing for an unusual length of time as it really isn't a social care issue, however they could organise some support for my 4 year old DS. When I questioned them as to what this might be they told me a messy play session at the local sure start centre!!! FFS!

Sorry for such a long post, just so down, and worried, and grieving the lovely son I used to know.

TeenagerHELP how are things with you??

MAryZ you are amazing

Thanks Maryz, I really hold on to the fact that you do understand and that you are starting to get somewhere too! Helps me sleep at night so thank you for posting. How's your DS getting on with his work experience?

Not sure if he would come with us if we move, but surely worth a try??? Finances permitting. What have we got to lose? Seem to have a bit to gain potentially.

The counselling is going ok but DS doesn't seem to be taking any of it into account...says all the right things in the meetings but doesn't put any of it into practice.

Drugs worker is great and he has a good relationship with her, but still nothing seems to outweigh the temptation of being out with dreadful people doing dreadful things.

Scared to go down the police route. Have reported him missing many times but stern words from officers makes no difference and if I get him arrested, or his friends, we run the risk of never seeing him again or at worst, dealing with angry types who operate outside of the law, and want to try and protect little one from any of that if I can.

Maryz you are amazing! I am so happy for you that you can start to look forward to a time when you are not fearful....I think that's what is so exhausting, always being so fearful.

We have been to see the area we are thinking of moving to today and liked it. DH and I have decided that we have to carry on with our lives and put our young son first too. We really want to move and to be honest it would be positive for all of us as long as we find the right house for all of us. We will go anyway, it's up to him if he comes with us, but we feel we have to try...in staying we would be doing nothing and things would not change...at least this way they have the potential to change and we know we tried our very best.

Sorry to hear about your son's finger. At least he has plenty of time to get his head around going to college and it won't be too much change all at once if he has had time to absorb it first.

Our DS is 16 next month. I should be happy but I just feel so so sad. Nobody in the family wants to give him a present as he will sell it anyway. We don't want him to feel like an outcast or unloved...whatever he does he is still our son - we love him but we don't like his actions. Do you think that if we donated funds to an account he has no access to and told him that this is what we have done for him as a family collectively, and that we are all fearful for him, and that he can have access to the funds when he has shown us he can act more responsibly, that might be a good idea??? Just cannot bring myself to buy him a moped...might as well just give him a loaded gun!

Agree wholeheartedly about the criminal record and travel. DH and I have always said that if he gets to 18 in one piece, we will buy him tickets to travel around the world for his birthday as it would be the absolute making of him.

At least our sons are brave enough to stand out from the crowd and want to be independent...even if they do get it all so wrong...let's hope that one day they use their gumption in a positive way to have a good life.

Maryz thank you for being so open, hopefully oneday I might be able to help someone as much as you have inspired me and shown me it is possible to survive this.

MaryZ, how DO you do 'resigned'? I can't seem to manage it, tho' I can see it would save me some grief...

That sounds more like exhaustion than resignation! I seem to be able to do hysteria, fury and misery in the same week... Even the same day...