My teenage son is out of control

[TeenagerHELP]

Hello Mums & Dads!

I am hoping to draw on the experiences and expertise of those here who have had "problem" teenagers or those that simply have had any experience or simply those sound of head with some good advice.

As you will know by the topic this is about my teenage son. He is no ordinary teenage son, but one diagnosed, for what it is worth, with sensory processing disorder, (by one of the several people he has seen). He has whilst growing up shown signs of ADHD, ADD, Autism etc and everything else in these groups but never really any clear diagnosis and with several "experts" telling us he is perfectly normal, something they would not say had they have to live with his daily antics and frustrations. However a diagnosis is not easy and he can come across as very "normal" when he wants too and one on one he is a darling.

He is no longer 7, or 8, or 9 however.. He is now 15 and his behavior is spiraling into new directions, directions that are not taking him to good places.

In the past 2 months alone he has stolen from me, my partner and two of our younger children (their bday money). When caught he sneaks through in the middle of the night and reclaims what was momentarily within his grasp the previous evening.

He has stolen 2 boxes of fireworks which were saved for new year. My younger children did not get the fireworks display they so wanted to see.

He has stolen alcohol. And continues to do so where and when possible.

He has stolen cigarettes. And continues to do so where and when possible.

In bulk amounts, not a few here and there and the stealing carries on regardless

He has punched holes in our walls, broken a window, a door, and our car windowscreen as well as shooting my computer monitor with a toy gun, £300 down the drain.

He has not been attending school as much as he aught, and when he does he is asked to leave almost every class he is in due to disruptive behavior. He has been suspended multiple times.

He has abused old ladies.

He has threatened young boys. (He is 6 foot tall, size 36 waist and 14 stone)

He has scared motorists to the point where they have to pull over. (Amazing what you can see in their facebook accounts)

And lord knows what else that he has not been caught for.

I simply do not know what to do any more. He has issues I know, but do not misjudge their severity. Despite his ADHD/ADD style problems, he is also an intelligent young lad who with a bit of effort could overcome his problems and thrive. He is not completely stupid and knows his rights from wrong. But the road he is going down is simply not a good one, for him, myself, my partner or our other 4 children. It is the road to destruction and he has almost reached its end.

We have tried love, talking, activities, family days out, understanding and patience.

We have tried punishment, no xbox, no internet, no friends round, grounding him (he just jumps out the window)

We have tried reward systems.

However he has this "i'm not bovvered" attitude. He simply does not care. He can talk the talk, but out of earshot he is at it again, the "it" being whatever he feels like or takes his fancy at the time.

I do not know what to do. I have 5 children and he is but 1 yet takes up the majority of our time dealing with the aftermath of his antics.

My relationship with my partner is at breaking point.

My business is suffering.

My stress levels are through the roof.

And I simply, simply, simply, have no idea what to do.

Do I do jail time for him? Lock him down? Strip his room? Give him a set of gray PJ's and take all his clothes from him?

Do I let him carry on regardless?

Do I carry on with the loving approach?

Do I seek help?

Who do I seek help from?

He is 16 this year!

I am at my wits end and any and all advice would be appreciated. I have only touched upon what he gets up to and what we have tried. I could write a book on it all.

Thank you for reading.

[Aramox]

I’m so sorry. The work still sounds like a positive. I’m stunned by the total lack of support for you. I can only think he has to get there himself. I take it police and camhs have had nothing to offer.

[Anonymousdadneedinghelp]

Hi all, first time poster here. I came across this thread when searching the internet for help, we are at the end of our tether with our 14 yr old son. The situation is the same as many of you on this thread have described, drink, drugs, no school, agression. Many charges from the police for breach of peace, assault, vandalism.

Recently it looked like there might have been a positive when he started doing some work one day a week, not getting into trouble when working and appeared to be quite settled at home. However, we have now had a couple of people inform us he is taking mdma and drinking, and they are reliable sources including a (ex) friend of his mothers who had found out from her son as they had both been doing it. He steals, we no lknger have any drink in the house and money is locked away. We cant leave tobacco in our own room or anywhere in the house or it disappears too. When challenged, or questioned nicely about his behaviour, everything spirals and the agression comes out. We have lost doors, holes in walls, phones broke, basically everything is in danger when he spirals. I can still restrain him but what good does it do - he just runs out door or jumps out window to get away.

We have involved Social Work but have not had any change, we got to breaking point a little while ago when the police returned him 'out his face' and we told them he couldnt come into the house - we have a 12 yr old daughter. Phoned the emergency social work who told us they cant take him, and police told us they cant keep him - so basically nobody can do anything to help. We are at the point we want to evict him from the house because we cant take it any longer but there is nowhere for him to go. We both work, rarely drink - the better half has not had a single drink in 4 years, I have had one night out this year because the risk is too high if we go out and enjoy ourselves then he can get up to even worse and we cant get to him. We cant get a holiday, he would refuse to come and we cant get anyone to watch them for a night so we could get some much needed peace. I honestly dont know what to do anymore, we have tried everything we can think of - punishment, reward, unattachment from him (mentally) and complete opposite by trying to involve him in everything.

I hope that everything worked out for all of you who posted this 7 years ago, and think I just need to let me thoughts out. We tell people the truth about him, but probably make it sound better than the reality is.

Well done to all of you who have succeeded, and tried so hard. Hope you got your rewards

[Nickersnackersnockers]

Heartbreaking thread. How is the OP and MaryZ these days?

I found this thread amazing and I am off now to try and restart my broken relationship with my 15 year-old. He is many things people here have described and I am weary. The most helpful being stopping trying to gain control and dropping all but a couple of house rules.

Updates required from you wonderful people please

[Xeroxarama]

This is such a helpful thread I’m glad to see it back.

[OnlineDad]

Going through very similar situation at present. I would love to know, 7 years down the line, how these teenagers are doing now. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

[silver73]

My oldest son will be 17 in a few months and has in the last month become a complete nightmare. It has coincided with a girlfriend coming on the scene. He has always been difficult to get up and get him to do work but in the end he does it. However, now I feel like I am living in a freak show. I am a very private person so I find his ranting and raving hideously embarrassing (and he knows it). Yesterday both sets of neighbours were in the garden when he started shouting some nonsense which really upset me as he seemed to enjoy the audience. We've had more of the same today and I'm worn out.

[emotionalgymnastics]

My Son is behaving much the same way with no medical reason. I can't believe either, utter astonishment. Over the last x3 yrs Ran the house phone bill up, downloaded hard core porn, music, films & games. Banned from Asda for being with shoplifters. Banned from Debenhams for breaking the lift. Banned from Wilkinsons for actual shop lifting charged £90.00. Bike wheels stolen on night of arrest from his new Barracuda costing £80.00 each. All night house party with out permission damage to the house. Smoking cigarettes. Smoking weed. Stealing my cash. Stealing food. Stealing alcohol. Sneaking onto Xbox & computer in the middle of the night. Skiving off school, Skiving off college. Kicked out of college so no A levels & we lost benefits. Borrowed £80.00 could,nt pay it back. Last month arrested for Pocession with intent to deal, resisting arrest & actual injury to a police officer. Had to pay drug dealer £100.00 back. Ran up a £135.00 mobile bill .Yesterday found out he's opened accounts on web & bought just under £300.00 worth of stuff useing his retired disabled Grand Mother's card details. Until x3 years ago My Son was a wonderful human being. Now he is behaving like scum. He has been fully grounded, keys removed, pocket money stopped, computer removed & lost some good friends. I have had to asppologise to Mum & warn friends not to leave thier bank cards out if he ever goes round again. I've gone to hell in a hand bag & have no idea what else to do. Is this really what we just have to put up with in the 21st Century. Suggestions most welcome. Your Son needs some sort of medication by the sounds. They all need a damned good shake & sharp shock. Gob smacked

[TeenagerHELP]

Sorry to restart an old thread but I am the original poster and have not revisited due to an extremely stressful time.

I thought I would update the thread in the hope I could give others some advice and perspective on the situations that have arisen since. This really has been a most excellent thread with lots of good replies and advice. Maryz has provided some excellent insight and I really did try to put your perspective into some action in my life, however things have just deteriorated too much now.

I have since split up with my partner, which is terrible, terrible for us and terrible for our 5 children. The split has been bitter, and horrible. And the main situation has not changed at all.

My ds is now so far out of control it has been causing hourly arguments, and having left our family home it continues to do so. I took the approach where I wanted him to be aware of consequences, she took the approach where she believed love was the answer. This is fairly typical of fathers and mothers, but problem lies when one does not respect the others decision, from both sides.

We took him out of school after yet another suspension for swearing at teachers, there really was little point keeping him there to get into further trouble and especially when educationally it was worth next to nothing. The school have bordered on useless when dealing with his sensory processing disorder which has not helped but I do feel that we as parents are to blame too as we have not worked in harmony. I am your typical hard working white collar dad, and his mother is your typical stay at home loving mother and we disagree to large extents on how to deal with his behaviour. I do now beleive we could have worked it out, but things have gotten too far now. We should have shared our responsibilities, i should have trusted her loving approach and she should have trusted my consequence approach. Had we agreed not to interfere with each others decisions at the time things may have been different.

I think Mary was right - maybe it was time to let be, and concentrate on the others. However ds was/is only 15 and I thought there was still a chance and maybe there is. DM considered alt therapies which have never worked for him, largely because he simply will not participate, I have wanted to try "lock down" but she would not let me. But the abuses now have ranged from sexual battery through to breaking and entering and the differences between our parenting methods is just too huge to reconcile. I could just not stand there any more and see her say "But he is just a good boy with problems". The arguments have been immense. His behaviour is affecting ourselves and other families in such a way as to make him a danger. Some families now avoid us and bully our other children because of his behaviour. Personaly I wanted action, I love him but wanted to give him tough love. DM and I fell out. Again and again.

I could go on, and be bitter, I am extremely so. I miss all my children so much and living away from them is a complete nightmare to be honest. This has been hell, and to make it worse, i had to leave the women I love and I had to leave all my children. I say the word had, it was just not possible or healthy to stay any more.

Mary offered up some excellent advice, most of it for older children and some of her experiences of younger. If you can make it through these testing stages without a breakup then perhaps it is time to let go at the later stages if the problems still persist. For me though, it seems I will not be there for that. For others, do try, try and try some more. It might not be easy but remember the love you had for your partner when you first met, remember that forever. :-) And also remember to let your partner be. If they make a decision because they had to deal with a problem without you, then respect it, this goes for both sides. I have my failures in this as did my partner.

[flow4]

That sounds more like exhaustion than resignation! I seem to be able to do hysteria, fury and misery in the same week... Even the same day...

[flow4]

MaryZ, how DO you do 'resigned'? I can't seem to manage it, tho' I can see it would save me some grief...

[sponkle]

Maryz you are amazing! I am so happy for you that you can start to look forward to a time when you are not fearful....I think that's what is so exhausting, always being so fearful.

We have been to see the area we are thinking of moving to today and liked it. DH and I have decided that we have to carry on with our lives and put our young son first too. We really want to move and to be honest it would be positive for all of us as long as we find the right house for all of us. We will go anyway, it's up to him if he comes with us, but we feel we have to try...in staying we would be doing nothing and things would not change...at least this way they have the potential to change and we know we tried our very best.

Sorry to hear about your son's finger. At least he has plenty of time to get his head around going to college and it won't be too much change all at once if he has had time to absorb it first.

Our DS is 16 next month. I should be happy but I just feel so so sad. Nobody in the family wants to give him a present as he will sell it anyway. We don't want him to feel like an outcast or unloved...whatever he does he is still our son - we love him but we don't like his actions. Do you think that if we donated funds to an account he has no access to and told him that this is what we have done for him as a family collectively, and that we are all fearful for him, and that he can have access to the funds when he has shown us he can act more responsibly, that might be a good idea??? Just cannot bring myself to buy him a moped...might as well just give him a loaded gun!

Agree wholeheartedly about the criminal record and travel. DH and I have always said that if he gets to 18 in one piece, we will buy him tickets to travel around the world for his birthday as it would be the absolute making of him.

At least our sons are brave enough to stand out from the crowd and want to be independent...even if they do get it all so wrong...let's hope that one day they use their gumption in a positive way to have a good life.

Maryz thank you for being so open, hopefully oneday I might be able to help someone as much as you have inspired me and shown me it is possible to survive this.

[sponkle]

Thanks Maryz, I really hold on to the fact that you do understand and that you are starting to get somewhere too! Helps me sleep at night so thank you for posting. How's your DS getting on with his work experience?

Not sure if he would come with us if we move, but surely worth a try??? Finances permitting. What have we got to lose? Seem to have a bit to gain potentially.

The counselling is going ok but DS doesn't seem to be taking any of it into account...says all the right things in the meetings but doesn't put any of it into practice.

Drugs worker is great and he has a good relationship with her, but still nothing seems to outweigh the temptation of being out with dreadful people doing dreadful things.

Scared to go down the police route. Have reported him missing many times but stern words from officers makes no difference and if I get him arrested, or his friends, we run the risk of never seeing him again or at worst, dealing with angry types who operate outside of the law, and want to try and protect little one from any of that if I can.

[cyb]

MAryZ you are amazing

[sponkle]

TeenagerHELP how are things with you??

[sponkle]

Ok. We have had a really bad week or so with DS 15.

Flow4 I could have written your post myself, and I really feel for you because I am living the same life as you just now. Everyday I get up and put my make up on and smile as though everything is fine in the world while inside I am dying. The stress! I'm exhausted.

DS has been at home for approximately 45 mins in the last week. He has taken to going on week long benders where he takes MDMA and doesn't really get in touch for days on end. If he returns home he rants at us to give him money which we don't of course, but my 4 year old has to witness this. Ok he hasn't stolen from us. Yet. He is slowly working his way through his belongings, selling things to pay for the drugs. So far he has sold his Ipod touch for £35 and his watch which was worth £270 (a gift from his uncle) for £45. The rest he is getting on credit and this is what is really worrying me. I suspect there is a possibility he is being groomed to become a dealer.

The come downs are horrendous, which makes me wonder what on earth he is actually taking, whether it is cut with all sorts of nasties etc. He doesn't eat or sleep for days on end. he has a drugs worker and we are having some family counselling but he says all the right things and then just goes and repeats the wrong things.

We have tried everything we can possibly think of. Now we are considering relocating to a different county to be closer to our parents and to give him a better chance...if we can get him away from these people then maybe we have a chance...and if there is more for him to do on offer ie in a town rather than a deadend village in the middle of nowhere, then perhaps he will be ok? We have nothing to lose anymore, so it's worth a try for any potential gain....just hoping we can get a mortgage and sell our house but if it's menat to be it will happen.

He came home night before last and actualy slept in his bed for first time in 7days. He went out in the morning yesterday to sell his watch and settle his debts. He did actually ring me to tell me he had done this so not to worry! He said he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again as he can't handle the come downs and it's not worth it, but he said all that the time before too. Then he came home and had a meal and a shower before going out again. he texted me to tell me he was with an old school friend and that he would be home for bed. Woke up this morning and he had not been home...he's not answering his phone because he's either asleep somewhere or high as a kite.

We will not bale him out. We are being fairly emotionally detached with im and stating that we love him but that we cannot tolerate this. It's his life and they are his choices but if he chooses this path we will not back him up.

College starts again on Monday. Since half term began he hasn't been straight for one day and has had one night's sleep that I know of. His attendence is a huge issue and I'm waiting fo rhim to be chucked off the course, which will mean more free time for doing drugs.

SS don't want to know. My husband and I have called them so many times to beg that they find him a foster family as we can't cope anymore to be told that we should just ring the police when he is violent, or missing for an unusual length of time as it really isn't a social care issue, however they could organise some support for my 4 year old DS. When I questioned them as to what this might be they told me a messy play session at the local sure start centre!!! FFS!

Sorry for such a long post, just so down, and worried, and grieving the lovely son I used to know.

[mumblechum1]

MaryZ that is such good news!

Happy for you.

[flow4]

Thank you, Teenagerhelp and MaryZed, and others, for posting and discussing all this so openly and honestly. I logged on here today because I have had a baaaaaad day week few weeks few months with my son, and I don't feel quite so alone now.

I almost wish he had some kind of syndrome to help explain why he was behaving so badly - but he doesn't - he is just acting like a total sh*t. As you said MaryZ, if he had been an adult or a partner, I would've thrown him out by now... I'm still close...

I feel like he crossed a line tonight and I have rarely if ever been so angry with him. I stupidly left the key to my cashbox (which I bought because he steals from me) on my desk (I took them out of my pocket when I changed my trousers) and he stole £20 from it that was his little brother's birthday money. He's stolen before, but it feels like a much bigger deal because of the context: over Christmas and New Year he gained access to my savings and stole £850 from me to buy M-Cat and skunk and less potent weed. He 'confessed' to me on 6th Jan, swore he was sorry and would change, and that he would get a job or do chores to pay me back. And he has done jobs most days since... And I think he has stopped the M-Cat, tho not the skunk and weed...

But today he couldn't be arsed, and I got angry and did a fair bit of nagging and shouting, and he walked out without doing his jobs, and I blocked his phone (I pay the contract and since I am not giving him an allowance at the mo, under the circumstances, it is my only 'hold'), and then he found the key and stole what he found as a kind of 'revenge'.

When I found out I felt a kind of steely fury (I can understand now how anger can kill you)... I texted him and told him I would call the police if he wasn't home with £20 by 9pm. He borrowed a phone and told me he was on his way. He was home with a tenner by 9.10pm. I did some shouting, then told him he had a choice: he could hand over his phone and ground himself for a week (I haven't been able to ground him since he got bigger than me; the last time I tried was a couple of years ago, and he laughed at me, climbed out the window and ran away), and he could stay at home except for dog-walking and college and do jobs, or I would call the police and have him arrested for theft of the £20 and the previous £850, and I wouldn't have him back. He has handed over his phone, and I have sent him to his room, and he has gone.

I have told him I am not at all sure that I shouldn't have him arrested anyway. I have told him if he does not keep himself grounded, or if he does not do his jobs, or if he gets attitude again, I will call the police.

We had a show-down last Monday too. He wouldn't get out of bed for college, and when I tried to make him, we had a row, and when I stomped away downstairs ranting that I had had enough and I wanted him gone, he raced ahead of me and ripped the phone out of the wall, so I felt unsafe, and like I had no option but to call the police. They attended, and calmed things down a bit, but he 'ran away' for the day and didn't come home til he was very cold and hungry.

He is 17 in a couple of months, and I have told him if he carries on like this, I will chuck him out, or he can see if the army will have him. I want so badly not to be living with this kind of stress, and it is not fair on my younger son. I have spent the last 3 years trying to work out what to do for the best. He is bright, and stubborn, and impulsive, and selfish, and out of control. I definitely cannot control him - and there are no other adults in his life - so if he cannot control himself, and pdq too, I can't see any other options but to get the police involved, or get him into the army if they'll have him. And I never, ever, ever thought I'd say that.

MaryZed, you have some wisdom - hard won, I'll bet :) You said no-one talks about all this. It's taboo. I wonder how many other parents and siblings are being made miserable by their teenagers? I live a sort of Jeckyl and Hyde life - pretending everything is normal at work and then coming home to this madness.

You also talked about stopping trying to 'make him' do things and 'taking the emotion out of the relationship'. I can see these are two very good bits of advice. I don't know whether I can do them - especially the emotion bit - because I am soooooooooooooooooo hurt and angry and bereaved by the loss of my sweet baby boy... But I can see they are worth a try.

Anyway, thanks again for posting :)

[GurlwiththeFrothyCurl]

Another struggling mum here! We have two DSs, eldest is almost 22 and has ASD and learning difficulties. Life is a roller coaster, one moment he is sweet and loving - like a little child wanting constant cuddles and kisses. The next, he is ranting swearing and throwing things at me. I have name changed a few times as I was "TotallyUtterlyDesperate" and then "NotQuiteSoDesperate" as his behaviour swung from one extreme to another.

We have been driven to tears many times and I am now very ill as my health has collapsed through stress. DS2 has now gone to Uni and I miss him so much as he is my rock (DH is also disabled), but DS2 needs to get away and live his own life.

DS1 seems to be getting a bit better, though (hope I haven't spoken too soon). He had his first ever job over Christmas, which was amazing for him! But we have to watch out for the latest obsession each time. The newest one is washing his hands until they crack and bleed. I try to teach him how to look after himself, but he won't listen to me.

Anyway, sorry for the essay. I just wanted you to know that there are lots of families with difficult children. You are not alone.