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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

What age can the decide they don't want to go to their dads house

20 replies

Sazzy32 · 11/12/2011 12:30

My three ( 10, 12 and 13) go to thier dads every other sat night.
Now every other wknd the younger 2 complain.

He is a bit lazy and doesn't make any effort to entertain them at all, but i feel its important that they go.

So what age is ok for them to say no?

I have tried talking to their dad about it but there isn't much point, dd even says its boring there in front of him. If that was me i would be devestated and make an effort!

OP posts:

tralalala · 11/12/2011 12:38

we at least try and talk to him about it, tbh they are old enough to entertin themselves.

tralalala · 11/12/2011 12:38

we = well!

Original poster

Sazzy32 · 11/12/2011 12:44

Yes i agree they can entertain themselves but no friends there and really nothing for them to do there.
I have spoken to him in the past but he is a difficult one to deal with at times and just doesn't listen.
Dd is the worst as she gets very bored.
Think they have it too good with me as we always do stuff at the wknd together, so its the comparision that hits them i think.

OP posts:

startail · 11/12/2011 13:03

I think they are old enough to discuss this with their Dad and come up with a making visiting more interesting plan.
Don't do it for him

Original poster

Sazzy32 · 11/12/2011 13:06

Thars a good idea, i will talk to them. Today is a good example dd wanted to put xmas tree up he said no!!

Xmas this year they are due to wake up at his, they don't want to!

OP posts:

50000feet · 11/12/2011 15:49

I have two who went to their dads and my DH who has two who come to him. When they got to 15ish three of ours went through a stage when they did not want to go but that was because they started living their own lives and wanted friends before mum and dad. So if your looking for an age i would say around 15. However with the forth child who is 14 i am now having problems because she is casting up things like why do i have to go and he doesn't. The other aspect we came accross was that the two eldest starting being indecisive... They would say they would meet their dads and then at last minute change there minds and make up an excuse not to go. We found out that they did not wish to hurt the dad by saying they wanted to see their friends instead, so kind of ignored telling them till last minute.... this annoyed the dads because they had made plans and left me wondering if they were going to be here or there. If its just boredom, Can't they take things with them like Xbox or computers or even take a friend?

notjustmewithballson · 11/12/2011 19:28

I was still made to go to my dads up until early teens - this was the point where he met my step mother, but I remember crying about not wanting to go even when I was much younger (remember being sat in the back of the car so I must have been less than 10ish) - that must have been horrid for my dad having his daughter sobbing about not wanting to see him! He used to come over in the week to see me which I liked, until my SM told him he had to stop, it was at this point I started to feel uncomfortable being over there as they had children together and it was obvious they had a life without me.

If it's boredom that's the issue, then it would definitely be good for them to take things to do (assuming you can be fairly certain that their dad would make sure it all came back).

Original poster

Sazzy32 · 11/12/2011 23:09

I think it's boredom and his complete lack of interaction with them. I will try and talk to him, as they have come home today and said they asked to do things but his answer was he was too busy.

I think its a shame that when he sees them for 24 hours once a fortnight that he can't find some time to spend actually with them.

OP posts:

Dee03 · 11/12/2011 23:28

I have exactly the same issue with my youngest ds who is 9....... But he has always gone everyother weekend until recently....I now leave it up to him but if he decides he only wants to go for the sat night then he rings his dad and tells him himself as if I do it I get a load of abuse!!!
I don't get involved....my xp knows ds is bored shitless but there are so many kids there my ds is way down the pecking order

Original poster

Sazzy32 · 12/12/2011 00:06

I was thinking of leaving it up to them as well, they only go for the sat night as it is but i'm not sure i should force them. Have mainly made them up to now as i think its important, but getting to the point if he can't make any effort i see it as his loss!!

OP posts:

jshibbyr · 14/12/2011 02:49

it does depend on them the child handbook for divorce says
"If you feel very strongly about not wanting to see one of your parents, try to talk to one of your parents or to both of your parents about this. Tell them what you want and see what can be done. If you cannot manage to talk with your parents about it, try discussing your concerns with another adult, such as a relative, a friend of your parents, a teacher, a religious leader, or a counsellor."
"Where Can I Turn For Help?
You might have lots of questions about your feelings or about the law. There are people around you who might be able to help. First, your parents will have some of the answers. If they don't, talk with people you know with whom you feel comfortable. Relatives, friends of the family, teachers, guidance counsellors, your family doctor, and religious leaders are all people you might consider. You might also talk to your brothers or sisters or to your friends. If you want to talk with someone privately you can call the Kids Help Phone. The Kids Help Phone counsellors are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all year long. It's free and easy to call anywhere, anytime. 1-800-668-6868. If you don't want to use the phone, you can send your questions to a counsellor through the KIDS HELP PHONE website at: kidshelpphone.ca/teens/home/splash.aspx

Sometimes the people you know can't give you the help you need. There are clinical investigators, psychologists and psychiatrists who spend their time talking with and helping children. There are also organizations, such as family service associations, which help people with family problems. You can get free information and answers to your questions about separation and divorce and other family law matters at the Family Law Information Centre at a courthouse close to where you live. If you want this kind of help, one of the adults you know might be able to find it."

this is all aimed for your children, i'm not entirely sure legally but it does appear if the child feels strongly no matter there age they can stop seeing the other parent, the only thing you can do is be supportive to them and talk through how there feeling and attempt to get them to talk to there dad maybe with a mediator (neutral friend ect) present you may get more from the father with someone there, hope this helps

(website used www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/family/wheredoi.asp

jshibbyr · 14/12/2011 02:55

ok... i've just totally embarrased myself... thats not english... ignore previous comment i cannot find the delete button

but i think the law's similar it just not on the who to talk to :( i'm sorry i can't be more help, i know i was forced to see my mum (live with dad) up to being 16 i hated it and hated her every second, now i have a better relationship with her as i barely see her :P

rainnie · 02/02/2012 22:34

had a similar situation with my three at that age. I was adviced my lawyer that 12 was the age when they could diside for themselves but that as they were close the 10 year old could not be expected to be separated from his sibling if he didn't want to. We tried Exh taking them out for the day to do something (swimming, bowling, kite flying) but I always seemed to be the one arranging it, so it didn't last long. They have min contact now. Exh seems to understnad that he missed his chance. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE.

doinmummy · 04/02/2012 19:47

My DD was 12 when she decided that her dad's was too boring to go for the whole weekend. They start to have their own lives and want to be with their friends not Mum and Dad. I explained this to ex and he wasn't happy. He did very little with DD when she was at his...just watched TV all day. But DD was adamant that she wasn't going to stay all weekend. Now she meets him for tea after school....not every week mind you.
Ex just had to suck it up.

Dee03 · 04/02/2012 20:17

My ds is 9 and if he doesn't want to go to his dads then I don't make him.....i always used to but in the last year or so I let ds decide.
He is bored at his dads, there are 6 other kids there and they do nothing all weekend. He has told his dad this but just gets told "tough".....so occasionally my ds will phone Sunday morning and ask to come home early.....

Original poster

Sazzy32 · 08/02/2012 13:35

Dee does your DS's dad understand why he doesn't want to go?
I find it hard to get that across to my lots dad and think he will be the one one missing out

OP posts:

sincitylover · 08/02/2012 21:44

mine are exactly the same - they are meant to go every other weekend - it's never been for the full weekend - its 24 hours and they are bored - even though its only for a short time.

The other reason is that they don't like their SM and also don't always have a bed to sleep in.

It makes it difficult for me as sometimes I have arranged something - out for the night or sometimes an overnight stay and am at the last minute think I might have to cx.

DS1 is nearly 16 and wants to stay overnight on his own but I have told him that when he is 16 I will consider it for odd nights.

But there is always a drama around them going overnight and they often ring me to get them to collect them - I don't always do that btw and when I do pick them up they are usually upset about something or another.

At the beginning I really pushed for 48 hours every other weekend but he has never been willing or able and then he met new P - which is fine but I think he is reaping what he sowed IYKWIM.

Even when we first split he had a reason for them not staying longer - flat too small blah blah and I think they may have picked up on that to some extent.

I even once sent his new P an email outlining our agreemetn for access as I felt sure he hadn't told her the full details - I also almost always take them and pick them up when I think that he should be collecting them.

He is their dad but I sort of view him as more of a benevolent uncle!!

Once DS1 is 16 I really won't push it anymore.

Original poster

Sazzy32 · 08/02/2012 21:54

Some of these men really don't deserve to be called dads do they!!
I think i will not push it too much any more and see what they want to do.

OP posts:

morewhine · 02/03/2018 21:04

Sorry to revive a dead thread but ... my 9Y son doesn't want to see his dad anymore and has written him a letter and tried to explain it to him but his father won't listen. Will the courts force my 9Y son to see his father?

naw84 · 01/10/2018 23:01

Hello all,

I'm looking for some advice. My ex left me over 3 years ago and it seems it was for a work colleague. My eldest DS was 8 at the time and my youngest DS, was 3. My eldest obviously caught the jist of what had happened, and despite me being hurt and never slagging him or his new partner iff to them, made up his own mind as to what he thought of her. This probably wasn't helped by my ex when he introduced the new P very quickly after the split.

Anyway, fast forward 3 years and my ex and his P have now brought a house together and are expecting their first child together. Although my eldest DS, who is v nearly 12, is happy about this, he has never been able to form any kind of civil/pleasant relationship with his Dad's P.

My DS feels like his Dad is constantly telling him off, calls him spoilt and he feela got at a lot if the time by him. He is now refusing to go to his house. My youngest is happy to go but a bit more reluctant to if his brother doesn't want to go. I am trying to encourage both sides to talk but my ex won't take my advice and my eldest is still v fixed on his view. I think it is a real shame however, when does it become (or not) my responsibility to force my eldest to go? I don't want to physically force him and quite frankly, why should I have to?

I don't want my ex in my house either trying to force him to come (he is a PC so doubt he would do this). I have said to my ex that I have enough behaviour management to do on a daily basis and I can't become responsible for his parenting. Am I wrong? My DS is generally a lovely boy and is well behaved most of the time. I have to deal with his unruly behaviour when it occurs, I have had no choice so what can I do apart from encourage both of them to talk and make the most of their time together? I fear with baby coming, it will only get worse.

Thank you in advance.

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