Feel let down and sad by DS

[Maxheadroom]

I'm a first time poster so please bear with me. My DS is 16 soon and we have been struggling for a few months with his behaviour. He has 'tried' weed on a number of occasions, has had underage sex and been a general pita. We have recently found out he's also been smoking for a couple of months - this has really shocked us as we are very anti smoking after losing a couple of close family members to smoking related cancer. He knows this and promised to stop only to come home stinking of fags obviously still smoking. I'm struggling to see past this I know he's a good lad underneath and is doing ok at school but I can't get over his lying and I'm not convinced he's still not doing weed. His birthday is coming up - do we make a big fuss of him as usual and let him have a house party or do we come down hard on him and let him take the consequence of his recent behaviour?

I say make a big fuss and show him that you still love him. He will be less likely to harm himself in the long run if he knows you all love and care for him. He's just going through an experimental phase.

I agree with crappyhappybabby.

Your ds is growing into a man and making his own decisions about things. Many of those decisions will be bad ones, but it's only through making mistakes that he will mature. None of the things he's doing are really all that bad compared to some you hear about, and all you can do is offer guidance when he messes up.

Not so sure about a house party - ok so long as you take precautions, I guess, but they can get out of hand.

Come down hard and let him know you mean business - he sees this as something you will tolerate as you clearly have already as he continues to behave this way with no penalties.

I know a lot of people will come on after me and say all kids do this/experiment/push boundaries etc - but many don't and it can quickly escalate.
I know from personal experience with my son who I discovered was smoking weed every weekend, lying through his teeth to me and was using dinner money to buy the stuff. He'd been doing for a year and had once tried some tablets too. He started at 13. All came out when he was at a party and was unable to gauge the effect it was having and had to be picked up - and then seeing his mobile which had details of who was dealing etc.

Anyway long story short it was made very clear that this would not be tolerated, he admitted he looked forward to going out at the weekend to get high, that he was spending more on it to get the effect but was not in any way addicted as, his words, you can't get addicted to weed.
His mobile was taken off him, internet access banned except for supervised school work, completely grounded except for school, no money whatsoever - he had to make a packed lunch instead of dinner money. No xbox either and he was no longer allowed to take part in his sports - so his coaches knew what had happened too.
Spoke to the doctor for advice (while I was in the surgery) and got nowhere - told me to look up internet sites for advice.
Phoned the school as one of the people dealing was the son of a teacher. They said they would take a note of it. The other dealer was already known to them as he had a drug counseller.
To some this will come across as overkill - but it worked!!
And I actually have a good relationship with him - he back at his sports and I go to watch him every weekend - as he likes showing off. His mates come back to the house for dinner etc and we talk and he knows I came down hard because I love and care for him. He also knows that if there is even a sniff of this happening again while he is a child living at home that he will go through all the pain again of losing contact with mates.
Long post - sorry

no way would I let him have a house party - at that age they can so easily get out of hand, and especially so if you have issues around trusting him atm

I think there are two separate issues here:

do we discipline him and make sure we do not enable antisocial behaviour?

and do we still show him that we love him?

the answers, to me, would be yes and yes

in other words, you don't allow anything you disapprove of or that could cause trouble, so I'd say no houseparty- simply because of the risks

but still use his birthday to show him how much you love him as an individual, so still a nice present and a nice meal or whatever he would like

present the plans as a measure to keep him safe, not as a punishment

the message should be "we love you and therefore we want to keep you safe"

Agree, definitely no houseparty.

I think I agree with crappy. Not sure about the house party. Would he want and expect one? I would think as long as your around to do a bit of background supervising it should be OK. In fact it might be a very good idea.

I only know a handful of teens who are allowed to have house parties and I have to say they are pretty well adjusted. It would help you keep open a line of communication in an area (his leisure time) where most parents don't get to tread.

I agree with you totally, however, my son is now 18 and has been smoking weed for the past year that I know of, I have grounded and shouted and threatened, we moved to a rural area thinking things like this would be avoided but it has just got worse. We feel we have lost our son. He does not want to give up weed or smoking and says he's an adult and i should treat him as an adult. My husband just wants him out. I fear for my other son who is 16. He failed his leaving cert exams (in Ireland) and is doing a post leaving cert for a year. Has no interest in getting a part time job to support himself, and has started stealing from us.

House party went ahead - heavily supervised and without major incident! However things have still not improved and he's been caught out lying - over stupid things, but it just reinforces the lack of trust. Unfortunately there is no magic wand to solve teenage problems! Thanks for your posts though it's good to know you are not the only one going through it.