Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenage DS has just asked me something

82 replies

frumpet · 27/11/2011 13:25

He is 17 and wants his girlfriend to stay the night ,in his room . Gut instinct is no ,what do you all think ?

OP posts:
maypole1 · 27/11/2011 14:19

squeaky toy

mmmm good point

CupOfGoodCheer · 27/11/2011 14:21

your DS sounds very mature, with his suggestion that she sleep on the floor with the door open.

He could have (like my brother did) produced her as a fait accompli at the breakfast table the next morning.

He's been with her a few months now. You should at least meet her and maybe incorporate her into the family a little. Maybe then the idea of her staying over wouldn't seem like such a big deal.

herbietea · 27/11/2011 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FellatioNelson · 27/11/2011 14:31

Yes, providing:

1)They have been together a reasonable length of time and seem quite committed (as much as you can be at 17)

  1. She is also over 16 (in which case it is none of her parents business really, and their permission need not be sought - your house, if you are comfortable then that's all that matters.)

  2. You have had the safe sex chat and you trust them to be sensible

  3. No shagging noises; respect others in the house.

Halbanoo · 27/11/2011 14:32

Perhaps my prudish American upbringing is rearing its ugly head now, but in what universe is a 17 year old who still lives with his parents and is still in school considered an adult??

I would never, ever allow my 17 yo a And if they end up having sex in a car or in a cemetery instead---So what? Isn't that what being a teenager is all about? Why feel compelled to make their lives more convenient?

He can have his girlfriend sleep over when he is an adult with adult responsibilities in his own space doing things like earning a paycheck, paying for his own food, housing, etc.

And if the idea makes you the least bit uncomfortable, just tell him "No", ffs. You're the parent after all.

troisgarcons · 27/11/2011 14:35

but in what universe is a 17 year old who still lives with his parents and is still in school considered an adult??

that would be the same universe that allows them to join the army and pick upa gun and kill people .... or indeed get married.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 27/11/2011 14:37

sympathy op, had this a few moths ago with DS1 (18 then) Gf 17 but I was not comfortable DH was meh let them, he was allowed to stay at hers so in the end I said ok but that I wasn't too happy, and that I wanted them to respect this. 6 months on and its a fairly regular thing and I have relaxed a bit. still a bit urggh at the thought of them shagging in the next room but tbh no real evidence of this so either they don't or they are keeping it quiet. on the upside, he is very happy now (most of the time) instead of the grumpy monster he used to be and YES the room is clean before she comes over, he even changes his own sheets now too, result.

FellatioNelson · 27/11/2011 14:38

They are over the age of consent and legally entitled to get married, have sex, have children. I agree it's a mad world when you can do that yet cannot vote or drink, but there we are.

To me, providing they are not putting me in a position where I am condoning them breaking the law and risk having an angry father on my doorstep, or a charge of rape against my 16 year old son, on a 15 year old girlfriend, (for example) then I am not really fussed whether they are technically an adult in my eyes, or anyone elses.

It is my son's home too, and I want him to feel safe and comfortable and respected by me, when he is ready to sleep all night in his own bed with the girl he loves. I don't really understand all this 'not under my roof' stuff. I'm not quite sure how it is supposed to shoe a lack of respect to one's parents.

Of course that is not to say I would want my house used as a knocking shop for every casual girlfriend that comes along.......but we need to talk about that and put some boundaries in place.

LoopyLoopsRootyFroots · 27/11/2011 14:41

I would.

Sparklingbrook · 27/11/2011 14:42

I have all this to come with DS (12). Sad I think DH and I need to start discussing it now so we can agree sooner rather than later. I know I will be worrying if DS doesn't have a girlfriend when he's 17!

bruffin · 27/11/2011 14:44

They are not legally entitled to get married, at 17 they still need parental consent. I have a 16 yr old DS and the answer would be no!

featherbag · 27/11/2011 14:46

Haven't got time to read whole thread but wanted to add my bit - my first instinct was to say NONONO, but then I realised that my DH was only 17 when we met, and I stayed over at his mum's house, in his bedroom (I was 19). 11 years later, he's sitting next to me with our 8 week old DS on his lap. At the time I was staying over at his parents' house neither of us would've called our relationship anything approaching 'serious'!

FellatioNelson · 27/11/2011 14:48

Parental consent, yes, but they are legally entitled to marry and have children! Personally I think you should be over 21 to marry and have children legally, but that's for another thread. However, I think the age of consent for sex should be 15.

FellatioNelson · 27/11/2011 14:50

I also think it's wrong to assume that teenagers are not capable of having long and lasting, very committed, truly loving relationships. Ok, so for some they have a new date every fortnght, but many are extremely committed to one partner for years at a time. I think we should respect that and not dismiss their feelings as childish nonsense.

Hullygully · 27/11/2011 14:51

Wot fell said

OldMacEIEIO · 27/11/2011 14:53

17 ?
he could be married with 2 kids by now.

of course he's grown up

PaintYouByNumbers · 27/11/2011 14:53

I stayed at my now DP's parents with him when we were 17, his parents were happy he had a girlfriend I think! IMO its all about trust and if he has said he will leave door open sleep on floor etc just hold him to that I reckon.

usualsuspect · 27/11/2011 15:08

I agree with FellatioNelson, which is quite rare Grin

matana · 27/11/2011 15:24

Maybe say yes, but he washes his own bedding from now on...

maypole1 · 27/11/2011 15:48

he could only be married if he had his and her parents consent btw unless he ran off to gretna green which would of course prove how childish he was

and as for the lady that says you should not be consulting the girls parents of your little plan yuk and double yuk

a good parent would could you imagine the heart ache if you thought for months your daughter had been sleeping at a mates house only to find out her bf and their parents had been lying to you and allowing them to fuck in their home.

with your won child you do what the hell you like but you should and must always check with other people parents its because of parents like that i am not keen on sleep overs.

maypole1 · 27/11/2011 15:52

if nothing is going to happen and that's the truth why not let your son sleep in your room on the floor and her sleep in his bed.

my view is they have leanings that you are the softer parent as they would of approaches her parents first knowing that they would have none of it hoping that they could use the fact your ok with it to plead your case.

or is he hoping you will plead his case to her parents on his behalf which just shows he is very young because if he was not he would of asked her parents first

AmberLeaf · 27/11/2011 15:58

maypole, she is not a child she is 16 yrs old thus at the age of consent.

could you imagine the heart ache if you thought for months your daughter had been sleeping at a mates house only to find out her bf and their parents had been lying to you and allowing them to fuck in their home

I wouldnt be heartbroken, I would think what the hell have I been doing that my daughter didnt feel she could speak to me.

I did notice in a previous post of yours that you said this boy should go and ask the girls father.....why? does she belong to her father? does this boy need to speak to him about transfer of ownership?

chocolaterainbow · 27/11/2011 16:15

Your DS seems to be quite reasonable about it, willing to leave the door open and sleep on the floor. Have a chat with him about contraception and leave them to it, he's 17 ffs.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 27/11/2011 16:27

Yes, she's over the age of consent and it's not up to her parents. However, I would make sure they were OK with it out of courtesy and to prevent the possibility of aggro down the line.

We did actually have this situation earlier this year with DS. He's been with his GF for over a year, they're both 16, I know they're having sex and I know he's using condoms. Still, when he asked if she could stay over I said 'yes, fine - of course I'll have to check with her parents' and that's the last I heard of it, so obviously they didn't know. Even though she's over the age of consent, what if it caused problems for her with her folks? I know that's ultimately her responsibility but I wouldn't want to be part of that.

The idea of the son asking her father is a bit creepy though.

Sparklingbrook - I know I will be worrying if DS doesn't have a girlfriend when he's 17!

Don't worry if he's a late starter! Let him develop at his own pace - there's enough pressure on them as it is from friends, media etc.

Original poster
frumpet · 27/11/2011 19:27

MMM well a bit of an update ,after i asked him if i could speak to her parents ,it transpires her parents know nothing of my son and she was going to say she was staying at a friends house . I have of course applauded him on his honesty but have told him it is a big fat hairy NO , until her parents know exactly where she is staying . I think thats fair .

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread