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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Mums of 17 yo's.. Do you still "put your foot down"?

12 replies

Schtum · 07/11/2011 14:59

DD is 17 and a half, in the U6/ Year 13.

I'm wondering if other Mums of this age group let their kids make their own decisions these days or whether you still put your foot down regarding things like going out on a school night/ what time they come in etc.

OP posts:

Hassled · 07/11/2011 15:03

Mine oldest 2 are older than that now but yes, at 17 I was still certainly using the "my house, my rules" line quite often. It's a funny age - they're adults (and I was living in lodgings by 16 so I did what I liked) but still so immature. But while they're living with you and their comings and goings affect you, it's reasonable to have some rules.

gameoldbird · 07/11/2011 15:04

I find this hard! In an ideal world, one helps said 17 yo to reach their own sensible conclusion eg ask them to think about what their goals in life are - if it involves good "A" levels then point out that staying out partying until 2am might be fun short term but might not be worth it in the medium term if they miss out on the place they really want at University.

Of course, that is the "ideal world." In RL, the teen will often make unwise decisions but, sigh, on the whole one has to let them get on with it. I keep telling myself that DD will be an adult this time next year and I will have absolutely NO input on bed time, working steadily, being organised, not drink driving etc etc etc and that this last year of being 17 is my last chance to help her to think for herself and if I TELL her what to do all the time then she has no chance to learn those lessons in the safe environment of home.

It is their life, after all. (Sob, we will miss them next year even if we won't miss staying up late to check they get home safely)

Mabelface · 07/11/2011 15:05

I requested that DS1 be in at a reasonable time on a school night and keep me informed of his whereabouts. I also compromised on special occasions. I also asked that he be in for mealtimes during the week. He mostly stuck to this as he realised that his life was much easier this way.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 07/11/2011 16:30

My middle two are 17 and 18. 17 yr old doing A levels (U6) so tends to be in all week and only goes out at weekends (she does work p/t too) She will always let me know where she is and what time she will be back:) I wouldn't expect her to be out mega late on a school night and this year I jolly well expect her to be getting her work done before anything else. She watched her sister work her butt off two years ago and knows she needs to be home and working!

18 yr old has now left school and has local job.. but I still expect him to let me know what time he is coming in, vaguely where he is, and (at weekends) if he is coming home! However he isn't doing exams and if he feels rough in the morning because he has stayed out too late.. his problem!

He's actually pretty good and rarely looks like a bear with a sore head:)

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/11/2011 16:34

DD is 16, still at school has a pt job.

She gets out till 10:30pm on schoolnights and 11:00 on weekends.

Other than that as long as I know where she is, all is good.

AMumInScotland · 07/11/2011 16:38

I think as long as they are living in your house, and you are funding them to some extent, then its fair to have some basic rules about what you expect from them. If they're studying then they need to take it seriously and get home and to bed at a reasonable hour. It's also always reasonable to expect to know if they'll be in for meals, and if they plan to be out later than usual or overnight. It's just polite really!

adamschic · 07/11/2011 16:39

Mine is 17.5 and in yr 13. Doesn't go out much but is allowed to come home what time she likes when she does as long as I know she is OK, same with me when I go out she worries and we keep each other informed.

I think our role is one of guidance and support as they make their way into adulthood which is only 6 months off! yikes. Still will help her with decisions even then.

exoticfruits · 07/11/2011 16:47

I agree with AMumInScotland -they use texting a lot, but I expect to know plans and change of plans.

mumblechum1 · 07/11/2011 17:13

Mine's 17 and in Lower Sixth. He's in by 10 on a school night, but we're in the middle of nowhere so doesn't go out much during the week anyway.
He's at at least one party every weekend and the rule is just that he lets us know by text whether he's coming home or not. If he is coming home, he's very good at sneaking in quietly so as not to wake us up.

cory · 08/11/2011 09:22

Not there yet (dd turns 15 tomorrow) but I think by that age I will be trying to distinguish between behaviour that affects us all as a family (coming home noisily in the middle of the night, going out without letting us know if she will be home for supper) and behaviour that affects her only (revision planning). With the first kind I will be firm, with the second I will try to let decisions come from her.

Tortington · 08/11/2011 09:24

under my roof.....
yes i have turned into parent stereotype.

my son is 18 - he has to be in for midnight
have taken away his computer until he gets a job

my house etc....

FannyNil · 11/11/2011 19:53

I do not stress about coming in or sleep as DD is OK about those. It's the squalor (and smell) of her room which is a flashpoint now plus the sense of entitledness. The 'where's supper?' as soon as I come home from work and the total lack of any help in the house. She's always been unco-operative despite punishments/confiscations in the past. Worse than ever now and she's flounced off to stay with a friend for the weekend because she can't stand being at home, leaving me to put back all the furniture after new carpets were fitted. You'll say it'll sort itself, don't worry but I have no other family closer than 400 miles. Just have to stick it out - many people tell me that they usually improve with age...

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