Am I too strict?

[Auntybrandybutter]

My Ds 15 next week asked if he could have a can of Fosters last night. Not partying or anything, just to sit and drink whilst on pc..am I wrong to say no?

not in my opinion. don't have any teens but teach teen boys. what is the alcohol message you want to instil? for me alcohol is a social drink. not sit on your own and get tanked up. no, chatroom don't count as socialising.

If we are having a special meal I may allow them a glass of wine..diluted or a shandy

I was quite shocked when I visted a friend and saw her openly joking with her 15 year old about his big drinking habits/hangovers etc. Granted, it was at a party.( mixed ages, from adults to 6 year old). He was wandering around with a can of lager ( or two). His mother obviously accepted that he now drank alcohol.

The main problem for me was that my 11 year old son overheard all this joking and picked up on the tacit acceptance of this teenager's drinking. Ever since, he's been far more into asking me for sips of wine and lager.

From where I stand now I think I'd say no to a can of Fosters if my 15 year old son was on the PC. However, ask me again in a few years and I might answer differently!

Gosh, I feel differently to all of you....! I have two DDs 17 and 14 and have let them have a drink if they want from about the age of 14. Because I have said yes, they are really not that interested. Obviously the 17 yr old does go to parties and does have a drink whilst she is there but if you say 'no' that makes it so much more interesting.

Maybe if they were just sat at home I would say 'no' like Auntybrandybutter but in a social scenario, I would not refuse. I do watch if it is just the one though but now my DD is 17 she has to learn her own self control - I can't do it for her!

I have teen dds, and the younger two started having alcohol at adult-supervised parties when they were around 15/16 years old (with friends, not me). I don't drink at all, my dh does but only when we're out. He doesn't drink at home unless we're socialising with friends.

I would be (relatively!) OK with a 15yr old experimenting in this way at home (rather than a park bench with loads of loony mates). However, I wouldn't want to encourage him to think that having a drink whilst alone on PC was OK, I would rather that he had a cup of tea!!

I allow my 14 yr old to have a shandy

We were invited out to lunch the other day and one of the women went outside to share a fag between courses with her 13 year old daughter

Difficult one. I wouldnt mind shandy but isnt fosters quite strong? agree about park bench though but wouldnt want it to be normal sitting at pc with fosters.

gggimmiesnowsnow, that is pretty amazing at 13 years old. I'd love to know your friend's reasoning (think of the thread she could start if she posted on mumnset!).

i think it is okay to have a wine, beer on special occasions, family gathering etc but just sitting on PC? Could easily become too often! You are not beiong too strict IMO.

We were allowed alcohol at social occassions from the age of 15ish. This was much better than following our friends lead of buying cheapest strong lager they could get their hands on and disapearing down the local park. I may well allow my children to experiment in social situations when they are older but agree that sitting at th pc with a can is unacceptable stick to your guns auntybrandybutter

At that age I don't think having a drink at home on special occassions or with Sunday dinner is too big an issue. A nice glass of wine or a small glass of beer (not diluted as bleurgh!) with food and with other sensible drinkers can help promotoe a healthy attitude to drinking alcohol.

And far better than experimenting out of the house with mates in a park IMO.

I don't think you're wrong to say no - and this comes from me that was allowed alcohol from a very young age - it was always drunk on occaisions with my parents or a shandy on a Saturday night when they went to the pub though. This allowed me to see alcohol as something for an occaision rather than something to swill back if you fancied one (oh, how things have changed - is it still too early for a gin???)

And that said, I wouldn't be at all suprised or shocked to see a 15 year old drinking a can of lager at home.

It depends on how you really feel about it - I would say go with your instincts!

I think you did the right thing. At the PC it is too easy to drink tea and scoff biscuits without really noticing and the same would be true of alcohol.

At his age I think socially, especially when you are able to keep an eye out is fine.

It does also depend on the childs personality, I think I could trust my eldest to be sensible. However, my nine year old has far too much interest in cigarettes and alcohol for my liking. Rather worryingly he says two children in his class are allowed to drink alcohol.

in a sense having a beer while at home pottering around is quite a grown up way to drink, but I think I agree that saying yes to this means - if you're going to be logical - saying yes on all occassions. I think (if I;d thought about it at the time, which in all honesty I probably wouldn't have!) I'd have compromised - coz I also agree that saying a straight no is not great either and said - you can't have one while you're on the pc but you can have one later with dinner / share one with me/your dad while we chat /watch telly

I wont be allowing my kids to drink until they are at least 18. If it gets out of hand and I suspect they are doing it behind my back, I'll come up with plan B (not sure what that will be).

So no I don't think you are too strict.

I don't think you wewre to strict,it would be ak for parties but not just while on the PC.I have 3 girls aged 13, 16 and 18. They have all been allowed to have a sip of our wine when we are having it with a meal. My eldest was allowed to have the ocansinal glass of wine at parties from the age of 16 and she now goes out with her friends and knows hao to drink sensibly. Neither of the younger two like the taste of alcohol. So although the 16 year old would be allowed the occansional glass of wine she prefers Coke!

Just found out they are aloud to have a shandy etc at their Dads if they fancy. Youngest 11. Not with a meal. and he bought the 15 year old a large bottle of Bud for his birthday.....to say I am not pleased is an understatement!!!
Am I over reacting?

No, you are not over-reacting! So your 11 year old is being given alcohol by his dad? How did you find out about it?

Although it's not illegal to give your kids drinks at home, it should be with ameal.

However, if this is something you have not discussed and reached agreement on, then he is out of order. I would be livid. You need to talk to him. If he doesn't agree to not give alchohol to them then I'm afraid you will have to go with the line that their dad and you have different rules and when in your house, it's yours that count. You can't do much more than that, sadly.

Saw "expert" on Oprah about this once. I thought he made a lot of sense. He said if you forbid your children to drink underage they are going to do it anyway but will drink more sensibly as in get sloshed for first half of party but will spend next half trying to sober up before home time (did this many a time myself). Whereas if you allow them to drink underage they are more prone to drinking more and drinking irresponsibly. You can instil rules and all the rest but lets face it teenagers know how to push the boundaries!! This is the theory I will try to go with but my kids are only 7, 5 and 3 so I have a way to go I hope.