young teens and alcohol - genuinely interested

[willali]

So we have had to face for the first time the spectre of alcohol amongst DS's year group (Yr 9). For example:

kids arriving at parties clutching bottles of vodka
kids arriving already half cut
parents serving alcopops at parties

I am genuinely interested to hear from parents of young teens as to why / how they allow this kind of thing to go on at this age, in order to ascertain whether I am just a dinosaur

The parents often don't know (IME). Some of my dd's friends (14-16) drink themselves to oblivion every weekend and some don't. Thankfully she doesn't like it much and often calls to be picked up when people are getting too drunk. I don't mind her having a drink because she doesn't seem to want more than a couple. If she were a binge drinker I'd be more wary.

I think I started drinking when I was 13/14. I am an alcoholic in recovery. I don't think starting young was what caused my alcoholism, I just had a different reaction to alcohol than most people in that once I started I couldn't stop and it was the same from the very beginning.

Thanks Scoundrel - the parents who see the drink being brought in and consumed in their own home DO know surely?? It is this apparent tolerance that intrigues and slightly scares me!

They don't necessarily know unless they're searching the kids' bags as they come in, surely no parent wants hammered teens in the house likely to throw up on the furniture? Maybe they trust that the kids won't take it too far, or maybe they would prefer that the kids were doing it in a safe environment and not on a park bench somewhere which would make them very vulnerable.

Maybe they're just shit parents!

Blimey! I wouldn't know. DS1 is in yr 10 and it never occurred to me that he or his mates drink. He tells me that some of the kids in his class smoke.

So far he is categorically opposed to smoking and has decided that he won't bother with alcohol either. Fingers crossed that remains the case!

It's one thing trusting ones own child but when you are responsible for loads of other kids its a different thing surely? BUt more generally it seems to me that there is a kind of attitude which goes "well they are going to do alcohol / smoking / sex eventually so what can I do to stop it / I may as well not make a fuss" and I'm thinking THEY ARE ONLY 13 FFS! I would love someone to be honest and explain the thinking of serving alcohol at the very least (I take the point about searching bags etc, but even then it must become obvious what is going on if the kids are being half way supervised??)

I think some parents think that if they provide some alcohol (beer/cider for example) that they will be able to control the amount they have and that it's not too strong. The reality is that the kids will actually add to what they've been given by smuggling bottles of wine or spirits in anyway, which they will have obtained by asking older siblings or strangers in the street to buy for them. I do not provide alcohol for teens in my house btw, not least because I don't have any on account of my alcoholism

I would say no tbh. I have had bad experience though with first child who started drinking at age 14 and it has ruined his life. Drinking behind our back and picking him up of the floor in the street. Brought us nothing but trouble. My mil was an alcoholic and her father, my Uncle was to. We don't have alcohol in the house and we (parents) don't drink. Seen the damage! Terrible waste of life.......
Aged 21 still has a problem but coming through it thank God :)

There was a scientific study not long ago that showed that the younger they start the more likely they are to have problems. Teenagers' brains especially 15 or below respond differently to alcohol than adults with particular sensitivity that can cause permanent changes. Apparently the 'nice' middle class attitude of 'we'll let Tarquin or Jocasta have a little wine with a meal so they learn to drink responsibly' is just wrong. It does not cause more responsible drinking or less binge drinking when they are young adults, The scientist guy on the radio said You wouldn't allow your 15 year old to have a little bit of heroin to introduce drugs in a controlled environment, would you?

Since I've heard about that I've changed my mind totally about my 15 year old ds drinking with us or his friends. I say definitely no. He has told me that most of his friends do drink with their parents or at parties. So far I'm lucky and he hasn't wanted to join in. I'm just hoping to hold it off as long as possible.

My 17 yr old had a party/BBQ last summer. We provided a small amount of low-alcohol stuff and unknown to us lots of them brought stuff including vodka which I wouldn't have allowed. They barely ate the burgers etc because apparently it would have slowed the alcohol 'hit'.

One got hammered (for the first time, I think , others drank tons but actually stayed pretty sane and walked home later! But I def wouldn't do it again. I don't care if people say it's best they 'do it' somewhere safe, yes probably. But I will not have again the responsibility of having kids drinking (especially if under 16 which my son wasn't obv) at my house, on my watch. What if something happened walking home, or parents phoning me later etc?

My son drinks occasional lagers at home now. But other kids are drinking tons at his age. I want them to have a great party, but next year it will be more organised. If this isn't popular, then it will be a small non-existent party.

I hate the way heavy drinking is so endemic at all ages and getting drunk is something even middle-aged adults brag about now (not talking about myself here!!).

Sorry to go on. I have just read Slambang's post and agree with every word!!

My DS is in Y11 and all his peer group are having 16th birthdays.
Ormirian - all the 15th birthday parties were alcohol free but this year it's very different.

I thought perhaps a small amount of alcohol was reasonable under adult supervision, but it seems that was naive. Parents who I know well seem to have allowed them to bring in alcopops on top of beer and cider that the host provides.
Several kids have drunk too much.
Most of these are from families like mine where we have always talked about alcohol and allowed a glass of wine on special occasions in an attempt to teach responsible drinking. I still feel that is the right approach for my son and that 16 is a reasonable age to permit some alcohol.

Ooh not looking forward to this discussion when mine are older!

My parents used to buy me alcohol sometimes and I was out clubbing by 16 (when I could get past the bouncers) but then again 16 isn't 13.

maryz - I think you have hit the nail on the head!

I am lucky as AT THE MOMENT my DS doesn't want to have anything to do with it. BUt at some point he will be tempted to join in for fesr of being excluded - right now the numbers of like minded kids are such that he is not being left out, but I'm sure this will change. It has been a real eye opener

I have just come back from an organised parent discussion on this very subject at ds's school. He is 13. The school held the meeting to raise awareness to parents that parties our children go to from now on are likely to involve alcohol and/or drugs

Common problems include parents who supply their children with alcohol (including spirits) , and alcohol that is smuggled into parties, e.g. vodka in a water bottle.

Peer pressure is the main problem. The only thing we can do, as far as I see it, is talk about these issues with our children and let them know we are aware of these issues. The problem with this is: do it too early, we might be responsible for putting the idea in their heads :(

I really do not want to follow my parents' solution to this, which was to forbid me to go to any parties at all until I was 18 :( This seriously affected my social skills and ability to make friends. So, I will stick to the plan of talking to ds about alcohol and its uses, alcohol abuse, drugs etc and pray that he takes a sensible approach. I will also monitor the type of parties he is invited to, but not sure how successful this will be.

Peer pressure, yes.
Parental control and influence only goes so far. The child's personality takes over then.
DS1 is very strong willed and sneers at others who give in to peer pressure. He is happy to go along to these parties and not drink.
I fear that DS2 will be a different prospect when he gets older.

DS1 is Yr9 and I'd be most hacked off if he went to a friends house and drunk alcohol. I think I'm a fairly liberal parent, but drinking is at this age is not something I'd be happy with. It's not even the physical effects, it's the fact that at this age they are not mentally/emotionally capable of being able to deal safely with the loss of inhibitions and control that comes with drinking alcohol. Hell, most of them are still learning to control themselves whilst sober. Alcohol and hormonally mixed up teenagers is a horrible combination. If/When the DCs start drinking I'd prefer it if it was when they were older, when they can resist the urge to drink to excess just because it's there.

I started drinking (infrequently) at parties when I was around 14/15 and I was drinking in pubs at 16 (met DH when I was just 16 and he's a couple of years older than me - our socialising tended to revolve around pubs because it was the easiest place for everyone to get together given we all lived with our parents) I would say that 80% of the stupid regrettable things that I did as a teen were linked to alcohol. I could say that they were learning experiences but on balance I think I'd rather have stayed slightly more ignorant!

I agree Mary. I was horrified that ds (14) went to a freind's birthday, in the afternoon, for a cinema trip, and when dh went to pick him up there were cans of lager on the table, becuase the parents "think it better to have it out in the open." And they are really nice stupid people.

Loads of parents at his school allow and even buy alcohol, and there are pics of pissed 13 and 14 yr olds all over FB.

I have said No, you can't drink, the end. Hold a can if needs be, even sip it, but that's it.

Wanker wanker wanker parents.

DS is in year 10 and he certainly isn't drinking anything other than the occasional small glasss of wine at family celebrations. No one in his group of friends drinks either, there probably are others in his year that do but not that he socialises with.

There is absolutely no need to be providing teens that young with alcohol unless you think it makes you some sort of "cool" parent. I have two older DD's and they started to go to parties wilth alcohol when kids were turning 17. DD1 used to go a bit mad but DD2 has always been a bit more take it or leave it. I think its a myth that giving kids a taste of alcohol in a controlled way makes them sensible drinkers later on. Its far more complicated than that.

I agree with Hully - wanker parents.

My 14 yr old doesn't want to drink. We've allowed him to try small amounts of champagne on special occasions and he just isn't interested. He thinks people who get drunk are stupid and can't see the point. Long may that remain the case!

I allowed DD and her friends to drink some alcohol at parties in the last few years from about 14. I always asked if their parents allowed them to drink first though and I think I got honest answers. Everyone was sensible and no-one got drunk at these events.

Mine hasn't really been bothered about drinking and parties anyway and the parties she is being invited to this year are all 18ths.

adamschic - can I ask you WHY you made that decision?

maryz - it is the aspect of having no social life at all that worries me for my DS. I fear that if he feels socially excluded because he does not want to get involved this may encourage him to join in as the least worst option as far as he is concerned.