young teens and alcohol - genuinely interested

[willali]

So we have had to face for the first time the spectre of alcohol amongst DS's year group (Yr 9). For example:

kids arriving at parties clutching bottles of vodka
kids arriving already half cut
parents serving alcopops at parties

I am genuinely interested to hear from parents of young teens as to why / how they allow this kind of thing to go on at this age, in order to ascertain whether I am just a dinosaur

Yes, very true willali. Guess you just have to keep your fingers crossed to some extent these days or follow them everywhere.

I certainly got up to squillions of stuff myself but what can you do except teach them the perils of binge drinking, and keep them busy doing other persuits as long as possible.

I went to a great talk at my son's school on this subject. Several of us are now committed to not allowing teens to consume alcohol in our homes. The guy who did the talk, all based on medical evidence and peer-reviewed research, showed that alcohol is particularly damaging to the growing teen/early 20s brain. Teens will drink anyway but if they know their parents don't approve they are more likely to abstain or show moderation when the opportunity presents. Haven't got the book but the speaker was superb. www.aricsigman.com/

Hi, I am reading this thread with interest as my eldest is 12(13 in Feb) and is currently being invited to teen parties by her friends.She went to one last saturday where there were rumours circulating that there would be alcohol but as I kind of know the mum, I thought, no, she wouldn't be so irresponsible.They had those alco jelly things there and my DD tried one so I was a bit shocked.Then last night she went to a male friend of hers house party.He is 13, the others are 12/13.the parents were both in the kitchen and yes alcohol was openly offered, with the parents, it would seem, blessings! I really cannot get my head around this, I really can't.It seems like something I am just not prepared for yet has been dumped in my lap.They are too young, surely they are too young to even be thinking about drinking alcohol at 12 but what of this boys parents, what is their thinking? Like someone else has said, I suppose they want to be liked by their son, to be seen as cool parents but my mind, this morning, if I am honest, is boggling .

DD, is sensible, she has her own mind she is strong but I am under no illusions about the whole peer pressure thing and not wanting to be different and appear like a pussy (current derogatory in word) for not trying it.What was scary, from what she was telling me, was that there were those there that seemed to be used to alcohol ALREADY!!!! Going by the ease with which they were drinking.I find this incredibly worrying.Luckily my DD has wised up R.E a bullying friend(and I use friend very loosely here)and her behaviour.she no longer holds her in the rose tinted regard that she once did(thankfully) but it has been painful, for us both, to begin to see her bullying, manipulative ways.This bully is everywhere that DD is unfortunately as I think her friends would be too scared NOT to invite her, but yeah as others have said, a lot of peer pressure at this age.I know I need to have the alcohol talk with her but sh*t it's scary isn't it? To think about the potential dangers from being pressurised into drinking at such a young age.

Both her dad and I drink at home regularly, moderately we do not really socialise so DD hasn't really seen us or others getting drunk.She has seen plenty of programmes on T.V though you know the police, drunken ones and when we go camping as a family she has seen others drunk, really drunk and doesn't get it.She isn't really curious even but from my experience I know of 2 of her friends who this Spring got drunk on a sleepover drinking Jack Daniels of all things! Where were the parents?

The thing is Maryz, as others have said, I also don't know them.When DD was in primary she had friends she knew from reception upwards.That's 5+ possible years of getting to know a child as your daughters friend and their families.I used to know mums, not anymore! DD feels I am fussing when I am trying to find out about friends and their backgrounds, very often DD doesn't really know.A lot of her friends seem quite fluent at the moment, you know the thing, you hear a name a lot for a couple of weeks and then not so much any more.

I also know I can be quite controlling as a mum, I want to make sure she is o.k, give her lifts , have contact, collect her etc, well maybe controlling is not the right word its more to do with feeling in control.Her friends parents, well some of them seem quite lax I think.Take last night as an example, I didn't have the car as DH had gone on a fishing trip.DD had to rely on a lift, I kept saying I can't let you go unless I know for certain you are DEFINATELY getting a lift back.What made it worse was that younger son had just started vomiting with this bug which we have all succumbed to at various stages since Monday.That was my plan B incase DD had an argument and wanted to come home earlier or just decided she didn't like the party etc, we would have both walked to collect her.

I suppose I am just beginning to realise how different a lot of people seem to be you know, how different their values are.It's hard to put your trust in people you don't really know but you can't be contacting them(the parents), o'h no, that would be so uncool.

Wow difficult one. Good to get advice but it is a decision you need to make as a family. When I was their age I was drinking in pubs but only had a couple of drinks and never got drunk until in my 20s. On my child's 16th we had a party at home - 12 of them who all stayed over - I do these mad things! People brought drink and left it on the kitchen table and it was monitored by both myself and my husband. The teens knocked back some drink really quickly. Halfway through the evening they were all encouraged to eat and drink water which they happily did. After about an hour they had a bit more to drink but it was controlled. They all said afterwards it was one of the best parties they had been to cos they remembered everything. It was a great night. I think there is the risk your child can become an addict which we are aware of, not just drink, but smoking and drugs. From the age of 14-16 I would collect my son from parties - he would have a drink or two but not excessive - I am sure that one day he will turn up at home drunk. As a mother I am flexible but firm - its what works for you. There needs to be boundaries.

I have had the alcohol talk with DD and she was fine about it all.she already knows a lot about the physical effects how damaging it can be etc but I talked to her (honestly) about how people drink to take the edge off, hide their nerves how it can make them feel more confident/relaxed that side of things and I spoke about my own early experiences of drinking (16+) and that I am trying to understand but that I am still shocked and it isn't right and I wouldn't encourage it.She knows how I feel but also I think she knows that I am trying to understad how things could be for her now in this day and age.I think, I hope from how she was describing it that the girls were only drinking Shloer from what she said, we both laughed when I explained what it was but I think they all thought it was alcoholic.When I next go food shopping I am going to take her with me to try and see if she can recall what was actually there.She is keen to do this as we were talking about strengths etc and with her being so tiny she really couldn't take any alcohol and I pointed this out also.

I feel so old sometimes (45) the bullies mum is 28, another girls mum who was there last night is just 27, I could be THEIR mums!

Feel better now for having spoken to her, she is still like yeah, what's it all about, it tastes vile. . . I hope that continues for a while to come.

I have a history of alcoholism in my family too which I think makes me more jittery.My late mum was an alcoholic as was my dad, but a highly functioning one.My eldest sister is one and I have cut all ties with her to protect my family.My younger sister has drinking problems but is in denial, her partner is definately an alcoholic.My older brother who had /has mental health issues took to the streets in drunken rages and I have memories of him being brought home by the police on numerous occasions and arrested for public order is it offences.My other, older brother I have recently heard is now drinking heavily after years of being 100% teetotal.I don't see family members, I can't, I only see one brother.I have had an uneasy relationship with drink in the past and recognise that for too long I used it as a prop so yeah, I might be coming at it from a different place.

{{{HUGZ}}} Maryz, for your experiences with your son.I grew up in the shadow of an older brother off his head more often than not on waccy baccy and the undesirables he would bring to the house when high and I remember how unsafe I felt as a little girl in my own home.I remember he was very volatile, my late mum took the brunt of the abuse and he even did time (Brixton, but we never talked about it) for getting caught stealing to feed his habit and all the habits of his hanger on mates.He used to steal from my mum a lot too, we didn't have the money but he didn't care.But I'm digressing.

From my experience, just providing some makes it much easier to smuggle it in. My mum was reasonably relaxed, but I was stupid, and I think most of it depends on the friends you have, and the ages, if theres somebody old enough to buy it, everyone will know who it is... We used to drink on park benches, and smoke weed, and my mum knew, being liberal didn't help. The only thing that did help was stopping me from going "out" at the weekend. When my mum picked me up from places, I didn't care if I was pissed.
My dad clearly expressed his distaste at me getting shitfaced, the result of which was whenever he picked me up, I'd be practically sober.

We have been lucky so far. DD1 (16) has no taste for alcohol. We have never encouraged her in any way to drink. We dont drink spirits and dont have them in the house. We drink wine, DD1 had a sip and announced 'vinegar!'. Long may it last. I know that a number of her friends used to drink to oblivion. DD1 chose not to join in citing the reason that she likes being able to remember her evenings. Funnily enough many of these heavy drinkers are now cutting back.

I think branded sweet alcoholic drinks are the devil. Looking at them you can see that they are aimed at a young market - sweet, brightly coloured and easy to get at. They make alcohol accessible to young people.

My DD is 15 (nearly 16) and we know she drinks. She and her friends often go to one of the many parks nearby for a gathering during weekend evenings. Either me or DH always picks her up. She's quite open with us about how much she drinks (which is usually just about enough to get a bit tipsy on). She also had several gatherings in our garden during the summer holidays and we allowed the kids to bring drink (it's not illegal to drink in our garden and it's safer and more controlled than in the park). We have however never supplied any of her friends with alcohol and have always stipulated that if anyone gets stupidly drunk at our house/garden, we will phone their parents to come and get them (which we did have to do once), and they won't be invited back again.

It sounds like we approve of it but I can tell you we do not!! However, it's a difficult thing to manage and each family and child is different. We have taken the stance that they will do it anyway in parks (which they will if they can), so we have tried to give DD a bit of freedom so she doesn't feel the need to rebel, but at the same time we've tried to explain to her the pitfalls and dangers. I am aware of many of her friends who get so stupidly drunk at weekends though. Thankfully DD has only been in that category once!! My best friend was an alocoholic who sadly lost her life to drink so I am well aware of the dangers.

My dd is turning 13 in a couple of weeks and she wants a sleepover at home(as well as loads of other stuff).I know she will go on at me to let her and her friends have a couple of wkds but I am NOT going to give in.I will not supply alcohol to kids in my own home. However, there is no knowing what she will do at other people's parties- this I cannot control except by telling her the real risks(warts and all)and hoping that she will not drink.She has told me that she likes neat vodka (at a bonfire procession) and she has smoked already.(She has promised me that she has stopped but her friends still do it!)I have to believe her .I am glad that she told me but I am shocked that kids these days are doing stuff like this so young.I am hoping it's just a phase........

I really like it that dd's friends' parents are as strict as me and her friends are easily pleased. She is 15 and the parties she has been to so far have either been quiet DVD and pizza affairs at the birthday girl's home or daytime wandering round town winding up at MacDonald's. Very low key, but nobody has complained.

(So different from my own teens where you couldn't really have a social life unless you were prepared to get legless every weekend from age 15. You can tell I grew up in a small market town, can't you?)

But I suspect it would only take one parent to give in and want to be popular for that whole culture to change.