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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I'm going to have to ask my 18 year old to move out; any advice?

25 replies

oscalet · 13/10/2011 18:42

My son's behaviour has become intolerable. He is constantly angry, swears violently all the time, smashes things, smokes a lot of weed (a link there, I know) and makes life hell for the rest of the family. He takes no responsibility for his actions and i am scared of him. I know about teenagers, my eldest is now 20 and my youngest 15, but this is awful. Does anyone know how easy it would be for him to claim benefits? He's at sixth form college and has another two years to go. I can't bear the thought of it. I don't think I even like him any more.

OP posts:

purplecupcake · 13/10/2011 19:14

its quite easy for him to claim benefits, it might be the kick up the ass he needs too .. i do sympathise with you as i have been through it with my own son many times.

Original poster

oscalet · 13/10/2011 19:30

Thank you, I feel so much better just reading your post. I'll try and talk to him about finding somewhere to live. At least we live in a very cheap area! Thanks again :)

OP posts:

Choufleur · 13/10/2011 19:35

If you put something in writing he would be able to go to the local council with evidence that he was going to be homeless on X date and would be fairly high up waiting list for social/council housing. He would also be able to claim HB I think.

Have you told him that he will have to move out if he continues as he is?

HarlotOTara · 13/10/2011 19:37

Have you got any young people hostels near you? The YMCA often have them and he will be able to claim housing benefit and income support as he is at college. They have housing support workers too so he won't be completely alone.

longlashes · 13/10/2011 21:40

I also sympathise with you. My ds1 is 3 weeks off 18 and he sounds like yours. I know he has tried weed thought not sure how much but am sure his vile moods must have something to do with it. Sometimes I see a glimmer of the lovely boy I once knew, but mostly, my heart sinks when he gets up in the morning, or comes home. I also have another teen ds2 who is 16 and at college. He has his moments but is an angel compared to ds1. Sometimes I just want to kick ds1 out, let him learn the hard way. Other times I try to cope and think this will pass stick with it. Mostly its the former! At least we know that we are not alone and there are others ourt there. Huge hugs to you.

Tortington · 13/10/2011 21:41

tell him to present himself to the homeless/housing options team. tbh dependng on what part of the country you're in, as a young single able bodied man hes most likley to be shit out of luck

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 13/10/2011 23:09

I investigated the options a year ago when my son was also being vile.. (several years of vile) same scenario.. weed, nastiness, violence etc.
If you make him homeless he will likely be offered a hostel (it's actually better if they are 17 as they get more support) and he will be able to claim some benefits.

My son has actually improved this year.. left school, just got a full time job (nothing glamorous but hey it's a job) and the weed seems to be disappearing from his life.. but it's taken a good few years to get to this point.. HUGE hugs to you.. it's horrible!

Maryz · 13/10/2011 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DandyDan · 14/10/2011 08:04

It is not necessarily easy to claim benefits. One of my kids has been trying to get JSA for nearly three months and has had nothing yet. The job centre have trashed my child's claim twice (job centre's fault - losing bits of information) and the claim has had to be begun again.

Original poster

oscalet · 14/10/2011 12:49

Thanks everyone! I will try and talk to him, say I've had enough and investigate benefits. I think I can find him somewhere to live; it hasn't reached the stage of changing then locks yet but I'm not far off. I'd rather do it properly so he's settled. It's so good to know that I'm not alone in this situation. This was my first post on Mumsnet and I can't believe the supportive responses. Thank you again.

OP posts:

mumeeee · 14/10/2011 12:53

I don't think you can claim JSA while you are at college, You can actually still get child benifit for him until he is 20 if the cours he is doing is under a level 4. I know that doesn't really help your situation though,

KatharineClifton · 14/10/2011 12:56

It may be a good idea to contact the welfare department of the college he attends. I know some colleges have things in place for when students become homeless.

ivykaty44 · 14/10/2011 12:57

He will get some benifits whilst at college and there is probably a local hostel where he will be accessed to see whether he can live alone - so they will put him in the hostel first and asign a worker to him to help and assist him in getting himself sorted.

This is not an easy step to make - but you have to do what is right for the entrie family not be living in a nightmare made by one member of the family - my best wishes and you will have a weight lifted.

The easiest thing for him is if you chuck him out - full stop, he will get much more help that way.

lijaco · 14/10/2011 16:49

you could put his name down with the housing but it could take a while especially for a single lad. If you put him into a hostel things can get worse, bad company etc........
I have been there with my son so I know.
weed has been a major problem too, for us and very difficult to live with.

Unfortunatley once taking weed it is a long road of destruction.
Also if you chuck him out the problem does not go away and you end up with even more problems. Going out of your mind with worry because you don't know where they are, safe, warm fed???? etc
Awful place to be for you, I hope everything works out but make sure that you think very carefully about your decisions or you will just go around in circles for years. (i am saying this 7 years later). Still going around in circles and only just getting somewhere for now, one day at a time.

argghh · 17/10/2011 16:22

This is an interesting thread as I am in a similar place with my 18 year old.
He isnt quite as bad with the abusive part but the complete lack of drive and taking things for granted is seriously pissing me off.
The other week I had reached the end of my tether and it was my partner (his step dad) who said we couldnt make him leave.

At times I think well he is only 18 - but he has flunked his exams and needs to support himself. I will not let him be a drop out in the house while the rest of us are all full time working.

fluffycauliflower · 19/10/2011 15:12

It sounds like you are having an awful time. Have you definitely decided he has to leave? Do you want to talk about it more? He sounds like he is in a really bad place in his head right now.

usualsuspect · 19/10/2011 15:16

He won't get any benefits while you are getting child benefit for him

MsWeatherwax · 19/10/2011 15:31

I am not sure that he will be entitled to housing benefit: I used to live with a student at a sixth form college (he has just started uni now) and he was told he wasn't entitled due to being a full time student. He really struggled - all he had was EMA/ALA and I think the government got rid of that. I would ask your local council for advice because I don't know if it varies by area.

margerykemp · 20/10/2011 11:21

He cant get JSA unless he is available for ft work so he'd have to leave college. He could work and study pt though, but I dont know how the funding for that works.

It sounds like the cannabis is the probelm here not your DS IYKWIM.

Can you give him an ultimatum that he has to stop if he want to live with you?

Has he/you been to the GP about this? What about detox?

If you send him out, he is only going to get worse and that IMO will cause long term problems far worse than you have now.

PosiesOfPoison · 20/10/2011 11:26

these may be able to help you
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Witco · 21/10/2011 18:21

It's amazing to hear of others in the same boat as me. What is it about young weed-smoking males? DS has droped out of college, stays out/up half the night, sleeps half the day and doesn't see that there is anythign wrong with it. Even though his friends all smoke weed they go to college, have hobbies and part-time jobs. We have cut off all financial support, he hasn't applied for jobs or JSA and we are at the end of our tether. But we are afraid that if he is homeless his drug habit will become worse and he we will just worry more, which means that we are (essentially) powerless. So frustrating . Maryz, we are in Dublin and weed is a major problem in our (nice, middle class) area.

Maryz · 21/10/2011 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kirsty50 · 04/06/2019 23:06

Has anyone got any recent advice about getting a problem son to move out? Mine is a nightmare. Sleeps all day, up all night doing God knows what. Totally disrespectful, pays no keep and had been out of full time education for a year. He's a total law unto himself and blames everyone and everything when things don't go his way - which is a lot! Lies, breaks promises and has a real temper which I have to admit I'm scared of. A lot of what I have read above is great advice but is eight years old - I'm wondering what my options are these days. Thanks in advance.

Helzf · 13/10/2019 17:35

Hi kirsty50 wow this sounds exactly like my son. He has adhd and ODD kicked out school not got english maths gcses just basic level 1 n 2 through alternative provision. I had to get him to leave mine yr and half ago into my parents as a stop gap as on weed n me n hubby childminders so cant have him there. Idea being he stops weed n changes to return home. Now 18 thinks can do what wants when, struggling to get him to work training place mon to thurs unless gets lift to bus stop. Screams shouts swears very disrespectful daily, in n out house day n night n now drinking on off not on meds for adhd due to smoking stuff, threatening suicide few months back and under cahms but now 18 signed off n no meds again. We want him to leave but dont want be worse off if homeless. Gets worse im a nanna at 41 to a gorg lil boy we dont see as lives far away n sons behaviour. The list is endless n dont know where to turn. I fear him making me n parents ill soon we at witts end n no support from ss they just say tell him go council or homeless shelter like he would! So very stressed n upset n have 12 yr old need be strong for n work

Stressedout81 · 26/12/2019 18:53

I'm afraid I don't have any advice but am anticipating being in a similar position myself with my son. He is 16, still at school and extremely disrespectful. I can't imagine he will do well in his exams as he does no revision and will not complete his homework. His only interest is playing the playstation which he does in excess of 50 hours per week (more during holidays). He screams and shouts when he loses at Fifa, including racist language. He also throws and breaks items. He causes a huge amount of tension and I dread being around him. I know how awful that sounds but he has hit me, pushed me, spat on me and called me all sorts of names. I try to speak and chat with him but there's never a good time and he won't allow me into his bedroom unless he wants money from me for his Playstation. He rarely leaves his room apart from to go to school and to eat. He has just started anger management which I am paying for privately but he doesn't think there is anything wrong in his behaviour. He does nothing around the house and I am at the end of my tether. I keep getting told this is normal behaviour but he is damaging a rented house, we have complaints from neighbours and it is having an impact upon the relationship between myself and my partner. We all make sacrifices for our children but I don't see why I should allow him to ruin the one good relationship I have ever had. I am holding on until he is 18 but also praying for a miracle that something will change in his behaviour

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