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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

email to DD..what do you think?

24 replies

Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:02

DD,

Before i write this I am just going to say how much i love you! You know that dont you? I know we shout and fall out but thats the way it is, I will always love you!

I have just got off the phone to Miss Drew and i am very upset. I am so disappointed in you. You have let yourself down BIG time. Yes you have let me and Dad down but thats not as bad as what you have done to yourself, you are such a silly girl! You are smart and clever, you are beautiful, so why have you done this?

** isnt worth it,no one is worth what you are doing to yourself. Please talk to me. I will do whatever i can to sort things out. I hate arguing i hate the bikkering, you know that. All I want is to live in a fairy tale happily ever after life!! What have I done to make you so angry?

We all need to sort this out YOu ,me , and Dad.

It will take you along time to get rid of this bad reputation you now have, much longer than it took to get rid of the good one you did have.

Please think hard about what you have done and try and work out what is wrong, you have 4 parents that love you and care about you, althoughit probably doesnt always feel like it!! Talk to us, let us help you get back on track, we want our lovely daughter back.

Now you have read this, come and give me a HUGE hug.

I love you

Mum

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:03

I have just had a call from school,they have excluded her for fighting!

OP posts:
doormat · 14/12/2005 13:06

am how old is she and can I butt in??

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:07

You can butt in...she is 13

OP posts:
Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:07

I am so upset!

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WigWamBam · 14/12/2005 13:11

Oh dear - poor you.

I think that sending the email is a good idea if you feel you can't speak to her about it without breaking the ice first, I guess it means you can say what you need to say without her interrupting you. I think it would be better if you could just talk to her about it though - preferably while hugging her and not shouting. Although I realise that's hard.

I would probably remove the bit about being a silly girl, and the paragraph about her reputation - plenty of time for the really negative stuff when you speak to her, rather than in the initial email.

Hope you get on OK.

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:14

we will talk...we do talk.
I dont know whats happened to her. I keep blaming myself as I was the one to cause the split in the marriage. Although we split almost 5 years ago. I remarried 2.5 years ago. Her DAd has recently announced he is remarrying and moved in with his partner...this seems to have triggered it.

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Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:20

thought i would get more response than this!

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Chloe55 · 14/12/2005 13:29

Oh no, where is she now? Has she spoken to you yet? Has her behaviour been building up for a while?

Chloe55 · 14/12/2005 13:31

My parents split when I was 8 (so prob similar to your dd) It is a difficult period for all involved to go through. Only advice I can give is to chat when she needs to (as you seems to be doing) and NEVER slag off her dad (which it seems you don't anyway) and just let her know how much you all love her (which you again seem to be doing) so...... sorry, not much help, am I?

doormat · 14/12/2005 13:41

dear auntybrandy darling daughter

Even though I have never met your mum, I know she is extremely proud of all her children and loves being a mum to you all.From her posts you can tell all your mum cares about is her children.
I know this is none of my business and you can call me an interferring old fart or bag but you only have one mum, look after her.
I am a mum too and i have 3 dd's and 3 ds'
I know that it may sem that sometimes we may be a bit harsh, not let you stay out late, etc etc but it is because being a mum is all about being protective and caring.
As for the fighting in school, I cant condemn you for that as I used to get excluded all the time for fighting, bunking etc and guess what being 38 yrs old now all i have is a husband and 6 kids to show for my life. I have no chance of a career, or doing what I want to do or be.
You have that chance to be someone and do something with your life because of your youth.
I have tried to instill that in all my kids because I dont want them to have the same crappy life that I have.And 2 of them have taken notice and got careers of their own.
You need to buckle down and do your schoolwork. That is the most important thing.Your mum says you have brains so please dont waste them like I did.
Have your fun after school and at weekends
and the same goes for the fights but before you have your fights speak to your mum first and get her advice.
Sometimes putting someone down and in there place by words is far better than punching their heads in.If someone in school is giving you grief, say something really witty and sarcastic back.
My kids have all been excluded from school for fighting and i have explained that words are better than fighting.They took my advice and it has worked.

If you are getting bullied speak to your mum as I know deep down your mum will do everything in her power to stop it and help you.
If you have any other problems the best person to talk to is your mum, no matter what it is,
your mum will always be there.
I am not a perfect parent and i fight and argue with my daughters but it is because I love them and want them to have the things in life that i never had.I think your mum feels the same way.
Look after yourself sweetie and knuckle down in school and remember your mum is your best friend, even though you may not realise it now
when you are older you will.
take care
xxx

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:42

She is at school still..i wouldnt let her walk home alone and cant go for her!

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Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 13:52

Thank you for that!
Can i say having a husband and 6(!!!) kids is a wonderful achievment and you are not a failure!!

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MarsyChristmas · 14/12/2005 14:00

These are the bits that I think you should leave out!

What have I done to make you so angry? [cos it sounds like it's about you... though I'm pretty sure that that's not what you meant!]

It will take you along time to get rid of this bad reputation you now have, much longer than it took to get rid of the good one you did have. ..... This is too negative! Time enough for that later.

Sorry that this has happened. Have you spoken to school about her dad remarrying?

Also... it's NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!! Teenage years are hard and the hormones are flying. I work with about 50 teenagers and the stories are the same, the only thing different is the teenager themself and how they deal with it iyswim.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 14:39

I just want her home now!
Want to give her a hug!! should I feel like that?!!

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ParrupupumScum · 14/12/2005 14:56

Doormat- that's brilliant. You are a bit bloody inspiring to be painting yourself as a failure though, aren't you?!
Good luck with dd, auntybrandybutter.

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 15:04

she will be home soon

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MerlinsBeard · 14/12/2005 15:12

i think its negative-sorry to go against the grain here.

Maybe when she gets in give her a hug and find out the why b4 u try and change her. then instead of focussing on what has passed try and work out, with ur DD where to go from here and how to avoid it happening again.

U can't change what is passed so no point dwelling on it now, its done

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 15:20

Thats what i hope i will do. Big hug..come on whats this all about do you want to talk!!

note i said hope.. I am only human!!!
I will probably rant and rave!!!

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crunchie · 14/12/2005 15:42

I think an email is a good idea, but as some of the others said it is a little negative in patches.

My only piece of advice is this (and I am saying this form a point of being a teenager once, my kids are too young) A teenager HAS to rebel, and it is niave to think that your once lovely 12 year old little girl is still going to be your friend. INHO if a teenager does not have the rebellious break from her parents then as an adult the relationship is never the same. Basically to become 'friends' again she needs to be on a more equal footing to you, and the only way she can get to this poiint is to make her own choices - mistakes very often - and to learn long term to take responsibility for her actions.

At the moment from your email I see that she is starting the rebellion by not listening to you and by fighting etc at school. Over the next few years she will 'slowly' come to realise that she made a mistake, but right now she is angry and tbh anything you say will just make things worse.

Try to let her come to you to talk, make sure she knows your door is open, and give her a hug, but don't try to tell her what to do or what she has done is wrong.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say to you, it is not a critism of you as a great mother, it is simply this is her time to find herself, and please give her the freedom to do it.

Good Luck

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 14/12/2005 15:49

she is home..asked her how she feels..she thinks school is being unfair!!
She asked if she could still go to cadet party on Friday I said i didnt think so..she said I need to go to find out when i go back etc. Isaid someone would let her know! She has gone off to her room!
I havent raised my voice or anything!
She thinks everyone is wrong but her!!!

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PottyinaPearTree · 14/12/2005 15:52

That sounds like typical teenage behaviour

'It's not fair and everything is your fault'.

I'd leave her be for a bit and talk when she's feeling less hard done by.

Original poster
Auntybrandybutter · 17/12/2005 06:50

spent 2 days trying to be nice to her. Thinking if this attention seeking lets give her attention. Its so out of character!
But her attitude is getting to me..ended up sending her to bed last night.Ex H doesnt help, he knew we had a meeting at school, couldnt make it. That was Thursday morning. not rung to see how we got on! DD rang him Thursday night, he said he was out and would ring her back...still waiting!

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bsg · 17/12/2005 07:36

Do you have any friends with daughters closer to her age 18-20 say. My sister is 16 and is still like this (not fighting) but she acts just like Kevin (its not fair etc). I had a long talk with her during the summer ( I am just 29) and told her that it is difficult at this stage in her life etc and just tried to let her see it from their point of view. She felt like she could tell me all her problems as I am closer in age and was a teenager myself not so long ago.
Was the fighting in school her fault or did someone provoke her. My mum was called to the school because of me fighting once but I had been bullied for a while and one day I simply had enough and laid into the girl. My mum was not happy about the fighting but on the other hand glad that I had stuck up for myself.

bsg · 17/12/2005 07:44

I forgot to add that my parents divorced when I was 5 and she is my stepsister (from my dad) so I have been through the whole divorce thing.

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