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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I being tooo strict?

24 replies

fabanflabby · 21/08/2011 22:01

My son is 13 and if he goes out with his friends - swimming, cinema, paintballing, etc I expect him to be home by 6.30pm at the latest.
He thinks this is way too early as most of his friends seem to come and go as they please and stay out MUCH later, especially as were in the summer holidays.

I dont think Im being unreasonable wanting to know where he is and setting a 'curfew'. Or am I?

OP posts:

lilolilmanchester · 21/08/2011 22:05

YANBU in wanting to know where he is nor setting a curfew, and you're his Mum so up to you what time you set. Depends where they are and what they're doing to say, but while it's still light I'd say 6:30 is quite early. Then again, depends what they're doing

Grumpla · 21/08/2011 22:10

I was the one who always had to come home early when I was a teenager and although I was very loud and stroppy about it at the time sometimes it was actually a relief to be able to extricate myself from situations using my curfew as an excuse!

Having said that, 6.30 is quite early - what time does he normally go to bed? Eat dinner? I would think that the odd late(r) night might be worth considering as a perk / privilege to be earned by good behavior IYSWIM. But only you are really in the position to work out whether that would be appropriate for your DS - would probably depend on lots of factors (what he was doing, where, who with etc)

cat64 · 21/08/2011 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

fabanflabby · 21/08/2011 22:34

Thanks ladies - I think im gonna have to chill out a bit!

I was always the one in early cause my parents were so strict like u Grumpla! Maybe my problem is remembering what I got up to even with an early curfew!
Seriously though - There are just so many gangs of kids everywhere round here with yet another stabbed teenager just before the summer holidays started and whilst he is sensible I do worry!

OP posts:

YoungMotherTubby · 21/08/2011 22:42

mine were allowed out later than this if very nearby and it was light outside.

Eleven year old daughter allowed out until 8pm this summer if she's in the street (we're on a quiet cul-de-sac though)

Tortington · 21/08/2011 22:43

christ, i think my 10 year olds had a leter kerfew than that

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 22:48

bloody hell

6:30 ???

YANBU to want to know roughly where he is,, and what he is doing, but 6:30 is for 11 yo's

you are being waaaaaay to strict and risking a major rebellion here

debrs4 · 23/08/2011 08:07

Stick to your guns. ns.

Scaevola · 23/08/2011 08:14

I think you might like to try having twin curfews.

You keep the 6.30 one as the end of "daytime" IYSWIM. It's the time of return from daytime activities. Or the time by which he can get home.

Because you can then have an "evening" curfew - either a blanket time, or an agreed time depending on the activity. This might be agreed at the start of the day, or be something you settle on the phone as he should ring - if the day is unstructured - (before daytime curfew expires) to let you know where he is and what he's up to.

This only works if you have got a co-operative child, but as yours has been living with a strict curfew, I think it might. Especially if you couch it in terms of "reward for being so responsible" thus far.

Sofabitch · 23/08/2011 08:17

My 10 year old has to be in at 7;30
However I expect her to check in at regular intervals through out the day. She has to be back for dinner at 6 but can go out after. Unless she is somewhere specific ie the ice rink etc. And I know she is there.

HSMM · 23/08/2011 09:04

My 12 yr old has to be home by dusk (and at the latest 9pm).

She has been out til 9 most of the Summer and is now coming in at 8:30, because the light is starting to fade. She knows that in the Winter it will be friends houses (or friends to our house) only.

MrsRobertDuvall · 24/08/2011 11:57

Ds is 12 and comes home from friends by 8pm.
I would not want him hanging round local park at that time, but as long as he at a friends house, that's fine.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 24/08/2011 12:37

6.30 at 13 years old? Way too strict and at some point in the next year he will rebel unless he is a saint or you are seriously scary

Mine had a 9pm curfew I think but I expected them to pop home for tea unless it was a prearranged day out etc.. and I expected to know exactly where they were..
At 15 they had 10pm and after that I was more flexible as frankly after 16 they are adults in the eyes of the law!

It has worked well... mine are 19,18,17 now and they ALL text me where they are when they will be home and when they have got on the bus:) DS (18) rang me yesterday to ask permission to sleep at his mate's house... it only occured to me later that we still take it for granted that the kids ask permission even tho they are now adults!

It's hard to let go, but by relinquishing a little control you can help him develop into a responsible teen:) (well as responsible as they CAN be at that age!!)

GnomeDePlume · 24/08/2011 20:04

We operate the twin curfew system as described by Scaevola. All have to be in at around 6pm then after dinner is cleared away they are allowed out again. At the moment they all have to be in for dinner unless alternative arrangements were agreed beforehand (we meal plan and arent running a fast food restaurant).

DD1 is 15 and still happy with the arrangement. DCs 2&3 arent yet of an age to object (they want their dinner more than their freedom).

chickydoo · 24/08/2011 20:09

DD 15, DS 13. Not allowed out in the evening at all unless I know they are at friends and the parents are home. DD has been out to cinema 5 mins away a couple of times, but always with other families. Have to say though they don't ask to stay out at all.

GnomeDePlume · 24/08/2011 20:14

On the whole I agree chickydoo mine have to be 'somewhere' rather than just 'out'.

MrsCog · 24/08/2011 20:18

I was allowed in our local pub with friends playing pool until 10pm 1 or 2 nights a week when I was 13!!! It was in a rural location though so a very different kind of pub IYSWIM!

mountaingirl · 27/08/2011 20:40

I expect dd13 and ds11 to be on the 6:25 bus and I collect them when it arrives at 6:45. We all eat together around 7-7:30pm. After a full on day I think that is quite late enough especially as the next bus is 8:25.

gettingeasier · 28/08/2011 16:48

6.30 at 13yo seems very strict my 12yo DD has to be home/safely inside before dark so it varies all year round. She starts yr8 now and I will be sticking to that more or less

pomegranate1975 · 29/08/2011 13:57

my 13 year old has to be home by 5.30

colditz · 29/08/2011 14:00

My curfew at 13 was 8pm.

BUT

that did not mean I had free rein to leave the house in the morning and not come back until night time. I had to eat before I left the house, and come back at 5 for dinner. I was then allowed out until 8.

My mother's reasoning was that if I went missing, she would know how long I had been missing for.

usualsuspect · 29/08/2011 14:05

Yes you are too strict

barbarianoftheuniverse · 29/08/2011 14:10

We used to say home when the street lights come on. That seemed to work fairly well.

mumeeee · 29/08/2011 15:07

I'm surprised that a lot of you think it's unreasonable for a 13 year old to be home at 6.30. When my DDs were that age I expected them to be in by then. Although I did sometimes allow them to cone home later. But this had to be ore arranged and they had to be doing something soecific.

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