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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 13 year old leaves the house when he wants to!!

11 replies

pomegranate1975 · 15/08/2011 08:33

My son 13 has been suspended for 4 days and i have been giving him lots of homework to do to ensure he doesnt have fun.
Anyway about 2pm he gets dressed and leaves the house and i told him he is not allowed and he just left.
I cant hit him or anything physical. so what do i do?.
Last week he jigged school and got suspended for stealing from a boy at school and he didnt come home and he went to his friends house which he called at 7.30pm and i picked him up. I feel he is out of control as he wants all this freedom. I grounded him last week for a whole month as he was caught stealing at school and he jigged.
I have taken iphone of him for a month and no computer for a month unless i want him to do mathletics.
So what other punishments can i give? He aint listening?
I am so stressed out and just feel like he wants to leave when he wants to.

OP posts:

Ivortheengine8 · 15/08/2011 08:36

I don't have teenagers yet but I really feel for you, It scares me to death. Hope you get some good advice from others in your position. :)

colditz · 15/08/2011 08:37

how come he's at school? Where are you?

EightiesChick · 15/08/2011 08:39

I don't either yet but it sounds very stressful. My first thought is that you need to find another way of dealing with it if he is just determined to leave, given the difficulty of physically standing in the way of a 13 yo.

What's he been suspended for this time?

Who else is around you for support - DH/P, parents or other family?

Original poster

pomegranate1975 · 15/08/2011 08:47

He was suspended on thurs for stealing from a kid from school. He got the letter on wed and gave it to me on thursday, but the letter was written on wed and on thursday we thought he went to school as he gave us a letter of suspension in the evening. He was suspended on thursday and he goes back to school on this wed. (4 day suspension).
My husband is at work and i have 3 other children at home and they see all these stress. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

pomegranate1975 · 15/08/2011 08:49

My husband just thinks we should just take him to his dads house and let him live there permanently. I feel i want to, but the same time i dont want to. I want to keep the family together but the other 3 kids are seeing my 1st born behaviour. would you take your child to your ex partners if you couldnt control him/her?

OP posts:

Danthe4th · 15/08/2011 09:08

How does he pay for an iphone? He sounds like he feels entitled to everything handed to him on a plate hence the stealing.
Perhaps its time for some responsibility for his own actions and a job, a paper round or jobs for neighbours.
With regard to the iphone if he wants a phone I suggest he buys a basic model for himself on payg and then he will realise that items like computers and phones need paying for and arent just handed out because parents can buy them. If he is not prepared to make an effort then neither should you, he can go without.
A month with no phone is no punishment for stealing from friends. Don't ground him, make him do jobs for friends and family, do it with him and his siblings if necessary to show him that you are supportive of him.

Original poster

pomegranate1975 · 15/08/2011 09:38

so what would you do if your teenager keeps leaving the house?

OP posts:

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 15/08/2011 09:50

I'd be very clear and calm about the consequences of breaking the few basic rules I have in my house, but at 13 you have left it a very long time to start getting him to behave in an appropriate manner, so although it's possible, it's going to be very hard. It will take time, patience and consistency if you are going to begin to make an impact.
You also need to talk to your current partner about supporting you, as well as your son's father. Point out that you have three other children who could potentially become problematic, so it is in everyone's interests to solve the problems together.
I'd also be asking the school what sort of support I could access as a parent. Your son needs to know that he is loved and always will be, but that his behaviour and attitude have to change.
So, basic food and lodging, everything else is conditional on him meeting the minimum standards you have about school attendance. Certainly if he has an iphone at 13, there must be a lot of other extras he has that could be used as leverage.
You could also point out to the school that external suspension isn't working as a sanction because you can't enforce it, so next time they should consider an internal exclusion within the school.

GnomeDePlume · 24/08/2011 20:28

Has he apologised yet to the person he stole from?
Has he paid back the money he stole?

If he hasnt done the above then tell him you are ebaying the phone, his computer, TV etc to pay back for his thieving.

You need to be consistent and come down hard on him as otherwise one of your photos of him is going to be of him holding up a number.

No phone or computer should stop his going out quite quicly as he will be out of contact.

gerardway · 25/08/2011 01:05

We had a similar problem when trying to ground (our then) DS 14years - for different reasons. We ended up deciding on 'tough love'. We gave DS the number for Social Services and told him that until he started acting like a member of the family he wouldn't be treated as one. He had to sort out his own meals, washing etc and we explained to our neighbours what was happening, and why, so they didn't cook for him. We removed the fuse from all the appliances in his room and told him that we had stopped the electricity to his plugs. It was hard to do but worked. DS is now a wonderful, polite and funny 18yr old and when asked said he was glad we did it. I remember having a talk with DH when it was bad and saying if we split up the biggest argument would be who had to DS. Good Luck, I know how hard it is!

pinkchoccy · 30/08/2011 18:48

I have four children and my eldest was just like you explain. He is 21 now. I never had this problem with my other two teenagers. My youngest is 7 and I hope I never go through it again. I would inform the police definately. I tried social services in desperation but they weren't interested. He thought it was a great idea because children involved with social services are well looked after financially etc.
Looking back I tried the tough love that everybody advised and I regret that. It seemed to push him further away. I know that he is behaving very badly but talking things through if you can and finding out if there are any underlying problems. My son had a drug debt and was terrified. He got involved with the wrong people to cut a very long story short.
There is a reason for his behaviour. It could be something very simple but listening and talking if you possibly can and any professional help.
Having younger children is difficult for you. Maybe he would be better living with his Dad for a while to give you a break. This may also help in moving away from the people he is meeting up with.
Hope you sort things out.

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