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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old

12 replies

alimum68 · 12/08/2011 17:31

This is the first time I have posted on here but I don't know what else to do. TI have 3 boys aged 6, 8 and 13. The 6 year old said to me today, "mummy, the boys are snogging and having sex again upstairs" I went up to my 13 year olds bedroom and he was lying naked, face down on top of his brother who was also naked. He jumped off him. I demanded to know what was going on and he started trying to say they were playing a game but he really didn,t know what to say. When they got dressed I asked my 8 year old to tell me the truth and he said that the 13 year old had said "lets see who is the best kisser" and had made him kiss him, with tongues. He said he hated it. I asked why they had no clothes on and he said that the 13 year old had made him take them off/ taken them off him and had got on his back and was going up and down. He didnt have an erection or anything. He didnt touch him. The youngest 2 have gone to their dads now and the 13 year old is upstairs. I cant bring myself to even look at him at the moment. This was only an hour ago. Do you think this is just exploration or what? It is unacceptable either way. Who should I talk to about this? Could this be the start of something horrible? He has never had any girlfriends and is very immature for his age and he also has mild adhd. He has been constantly mentioning girls and sex lately, trying to see what I say I think. Help.

OP posts:
schroeder · 12/08/2011 20:46

Oh that sounds very distressing for you.

I haven't really got any advice, but did not want your post to go unanswered.

I hope someone comes along soon with some good advice.

Original poster
alimum68 · 12/08/2011 20:55

Thankyou. I was thinking I hadn't posted it correctly or something. My ex husband saiys that he never wants to see him again and that my other children are not safe. I am hoping that bit is just silly teenage exploration. He is very ashamed and says he doesnt know why he did it. He says he just wanted to know what kissing was like and what being naked was like with someone. Sort of practising.
I am being totally naive?

OP posts:
schroeder · 12/08/2011 21:00

Are they half brothers then? Not that I think it would make much difference.

You didn't do anything wrong, I just think you didn't give much away with your thread title. I only looked because I too have a 13 year old Smile.

rainbowinthesky · 12/08/2011 21:04

Sorry, it's very unusual to type this as a first post. I would seek help elsewhere rather than an internet forum. If you are so concerned go to your gp.

Original poster
alimum68 · 13/08/2011 05:58

I just thought I would be able to ge some anonymous advise here as I feel unable to confide in my friends about this at the moment

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 13/08/2011 06:09

Don't worry! It is not unusual for siblings to do this sort of thing (it is, however, taboo).

I think you need to have a talk with your 13 year old about sex and incest and boys and girls and who does what with whom and at what age, and you need to insist on the absolute taboo of incest and paedophilia and that he must leave his brother(s) alone.

raspberryhead · 13/08/2011 06:17

What a nightmare for you.
It's natural for children to experiment, but this is clearly beyond what is acceptable. You have a duty to protect your other children, and it looks like you've already done this as they are with their dad.
Someone needs to sit down and talk with your 13 year old. Someone who he can trust and be totally open with. And also someone who can stay calm in case of shocking revelations being discussed (hopefully not).
Speaking to your GP is an option, just bear in mind that if you do they MIGHT decide to discuss the situation with social services. This isn't necessarily a bad thing as they are the main source of help/counselling in situations similar to this.
Your 13 year old is also talking a lot about sex. Why? What's happening at school? Does he have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Are they pressuring him to do things he's not sure about? Does he need more info about sex/relationships etc? It's scary to think of a 13 yo dealing with sex etc, but in reality children are exposed to so much so early via tv/films/social media (and at school).
Such a hard situation for you.

daisysue2 · 13/08/2011 08:44

Alimum this is really difficult for you and this is a good place to post as you don't know where else to go. I had a situation where I didn't know what to do, regarding sex and young children. The advice I was given was to call Childline. They have a help line for adults to call if they don't know what to do about something. It's confidential and you don't have to give your name or details. They give good advice and can help, it's a good place to start.

Don't worry or panic too much now. Have a chat on the helpline and see what they say.

Original poster
alimum68 · 13/08/2011 12:49

Thankyou. I will call childline. As far as him talking about sex alot recently, he has just become very interested in girls and keeps talking about who is going out with who at school etc. Not sex as such but he's gone from never mentioning girls to commenting"she nice" etc at every opportunuty. I know this is normal and I have not been at all worried up until now. He is a very "young" 13 and because we only moved here a couple of years ago he has struggled to find friends etc. His school is 5 miles away and his school friends do not live locally. Therefore he doesnt really mix with people his own age unless he is at school. He does get very bored with only his 2 younger brothers and normally the problem is their constant squabbling. He is always teasing them and winding them up. My husband left 4 years ago and they see him every other weekend. Its a coincidense that their father is only having the younger ones this week and the 13 year old is going camping with his uncle. I am worried but I am hoping it is a one off stupid thing and that he has learned his lesson. It doesn't help that his father is now saying that he doesn't want anything to do with him. What good will that do?

OP posts:
daisysue2 · 13/08/2011 16:24

Ali not sure what the people at Childline will say but I think the belief is that at 13 it's just exploration. It's important that ds's father supports you and him on this and doesn't react negatively. Have you spoken to you ds about appropriate behaviour in the past he may not even know that it is wrong. I have girls so it's something we talk about quite a bit even though they are younger.

Your ds will be feeling so bad and guilty and really needs you to talk this through with him. I'm sure he will never do it again once he understands. I hope that you will be able to post and tell us how it works out as i'm there are a lot of emotions that are making everyone over react.

Original poster
alimum68 · 13/08/2011 16:35

I won't see them all now for a few days so at least everyone will have a chance to calm down. Childline put me on to Parentline who said that it was probably exploration and a one off. They said that I should obviously talk to him and explain how wrong it is and check that he hasn't personally seen this behaviour before or anything. I hope they are right. They said that I had to use my gut instinct a bit and actually I am sure that this sort of thing hasn't happened before and that he was just exploring as he is at the age when he really wants a girlfriend, hormones and all that. I will make sure that he knows that he is wrong etc and hopefully that will be that. As for his dad I hope that once he calms down his response will be a bit more measured. I am going to suggest he speaks to parentline as well. Thankyou for your responses.

OP posts:
daisysue2 · 19/08/2011 02:44

Alimum just wondering what happened and if ds's dad is supporting you. Hope everything has calmed down now.

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