I am shaking with anger

[Mamateur]

I have had long, serious talks with DN (lives with us) about safety around DS (22 months) and most particularly his window. DN adores DS. Today he left his window wide open and went out for the day. The window is next to his desk and chair. He knows DS can open his bedroom door and it's his favourite place to hang out if he can manage it. He had just managed to get in but I spotted him. Even so he was already on the chair next to an open window at exactly his height.

I am so angry and shocked I don't know what to say to DN. He just nods and smiles at everything we say to him but nothing goes in his head.

It is our fault for not putting locks on his window but he begged us not to because he loves to have it open when he's on his computer and promised faithfully he could never ever forget.

I am also very angry at myself for taking any risk at all with DS life but I still feel like shouting and shouting and shouting at him.

He won't be back for a couple of hours.

There is a world and a half of difference between saying to mumsnet i was having a moment when I felt like sending him home (and don't forget, he has another home with a loving mother figure) and saying it to him. As I didn't say it to him and as I didn't blame him at all when I talked to him, I can't really see what you're on about.

If his other home is so great whats he doing with you ??

You may have to wait for the book.
Do you not know the huge back story to this, Gotabookaboutit?

ERH Yes, Anasisigirl I do - the point was that Mamateur chose to say '' he has another home with a loving mother figure'' to - my you said you were going to send him HOME - to minimise what she had said. Rather than ''its bloody hard taking on somoneslese teen'' or somthing similar.

I have read lots of her posts and have read in similar undertones. Lots of posters do not agree with me.

So you know that his other home is great because he does whatever he likes?
Unlike those of us who have our own teenagers, mamateur could just send him back. We can only fantasise.

AnasisGirl - I too have the fantasty - have 3 kids with SN - one who has recently become a teen and is a genius/demon. I love/hate my family situation in equal measure. I was also ''fostered' as a teen to an aunt and know what being the cookcoo feals like.

What do you mean cuckoo? This situation obviously touches a very raw nerve with you, why don't you explain more about how you felt? I would be interested to know.

My family fosters too, so I've had a lot to do with foster children.

Hi Maryz. I think there is a lack of permanence about DN's situation that undermines everything we do. Granny telling him he can always go back to her makes our job harder and his job harder. It reminds me of my brother's foster children, when they knew they could run away from a situation by going back to SS to be sent elsewhere.

We did say right from the start that living with us (it was his choice to come to us) was conditional on some very basic things - going to school and not making the house a warzone. I stick by those boundaries because I also have DS to consider. This was not one of those cases and I have never and would never voice a threat to send him anywhere except in my head, and I can say what I like up there . Eventually I hope we get parental responsibility but this is complicated because noone currently has official PR for him, not even granny. But, sometimes it feels like he is only staying with us because he wants to go to the school here, not return to granny and face the situation that forced him to leave. THose are the bad days. Increasingly though, we talk about how much happier he is to be on the receiving end of praise and I hope this continues and builds his self-esteem. I also hope one day he realises how hard I and his teachers worked for that. But I am very far from any kind of saint, I got a teenager the same year I became a mother and it has been tough, particularly since DP does not play the role I hoped he would. But I am doing my imperfect best and starting afresh with him every morning.

THanks Mz. DN is generally fine to have around. We've been doing a lot of cooking together. I think he will be bored stiff at granny's. She wanted to have him one week on one week off for exactly that reason but I've changed it to two longer stretches. Granny is really such a lovely person, but like a very sweet, well-meaning child. I wrote her an email asking her to support our progress by taking him to task on bad behaviour and praising only the good while he is with her - am now holding my breath for the fabulous results .

If I'm honest, even the worst days at the moment aren't that bad, because DN is actually a bit of a trooper and usually brightens up and we all work through it. But this is pre-puberty 13 and I worry what 14-15 holds in store.

'But I am doing my imperfect best and starting afresh with him every morning.'

Only and best way to go IMO.

Thanks guys, what would I do without mumsnet! I may well be back...

I also agree with others that a toddler shouldn't be I a teens room uninvited. In fact nobody should go in uninvited. Your DN needs his own space. Put a lock on the door so your DS can't get in there.

If you are going to go ahead with the window limiter, then 4 inches is recommended to be on the safe side.

DN invites DS into his room to play all the time, pretty much every evening and he'll play in their for an hour or so, so it isn't any invasion of his space. We've got the window limiters and they are to be fitted today. DN is not happy because he would like to have his window wide open but we have explained that we don't want him to have the responsibility of guarding it and that DS will learn new things none of us expect. We are fitting them on the sitting room windows too, for fairness.

I do go in DN's room uninvited though because we are selling the flat and I have to tidy it, turn the light off and air the room to disperse the Lynx which he sprays so liberally it once set the smoke alarm off.

'But I am doing my imperfect best and starting afresh with him every morning.'

And so say all of us. Good luck to you OP

i think you reacted out of shock but whatever you do remember he only has you and nan maybe he doesnt feel as welcome as he should but mostly he sounds like any other typical teen so try not to be too hard on him or yourself its a minefield bringing up kids and teens i think is the hardest part i felt a bit sorry for him when you said (shock i know) i feel like sending him home , sounds like a lovely lad deep down the way hes built a relationship with your dc but when hes not in his room the room has to be out of bounds for privacy reasons regardless of him comming in to playid put either window limiter on or buy special windowshutters that are mesh so all the sunlight and air gets in but dc cant fall out and locks on too , are you moving to a house next?

We once heard helicopters overhead and it was LifeFlight there for a little girl who had fallen out of a third floor window. She died. She was with her older sister who was visiting a friend. The child sat in a window and fell out.