I am shaking with anger

[Mamateur]

I have had long, serious talks with DN (lives with us) about safety around DS (22 months) and most particularly his window. DN adores DS. Today he left his window wide open and went out for the day. The window is next to his desk and chair. He knows DS can open his bedroom door and it's his favourite place to hang out if he can manage it. He had just managed to get in but I spotted him. Even so he was already on the chair next to an open window at exactly his height.

I am so angry and shocked I don't know what to say to DN. He just nods and smiles at everything we say to him but nothing goes in his head.

It is our fault for not putting locks on his window but he begged us not to because he loves to have it open when he's on his computer and promised faithfully he could never ever forget.

I am also very angry at myself for taking any risk at all with DS life but I still feel like shouting and shouting and shouting at him.

He won't be back for a couple of hours.

Littlepurple I went in straight after him - I have never let him play in there alone and always check from the outside of the house that the window is shut when he is in there with DN, which is pretty much every evening. I have never asked him to play with DS and he has never complained about his space.

Anyway, I'm much calmer. Will inform him the limiters to be fitter tomorrow.

It's a bum when they get cross with you for making them learn to become adults. I'm so pleased that mine has finished GCSEs and I need never shove his reluctant body through another practice maths paper again.
DD finds elements of being 20 and not able to run home for every small thing tricky too.
Treat yourself.
Remind yourself that you are Doing a Good Thing.
And that this too will pass.
Come and whinge to those of us with teenagers who have considered cryostasis as an option for them.

i agree with others who have said a toddler should not be in a teens room uninvited, there are to many hazards, and your DN needs a space of his own.

Thanks Goblinchild. I definitely learned a big lesson today. He is spending half the holiday with us and half with granny so we have a few weeks to recoup our strength and look into cryostasis

Good old mumsnet talking me down off the tall building again

Take a few deep breaths before he comes back and then just tell him what happened calmly and say you are going to put a little bolt on the front of his door to keep ds out. That way you get the safety and he thinks you are thinking of him too and not just blaming him. Teenagers are self obsessed little buggers You do not need a big row over this

Also it may be confusing for your ds if dn invites him in to play but he is too young to realise he can't go in on his own. Perhaps joint play should take place elsewhere and dn's room be off limits ?

I have removed the snacks he persuaded me to buy yesterday on the shop (he hasn't seen them yet) on the understanding he wouldn't eat in his room. He will just get three meals a day for a couple of days. Is that too much .

What have the snacks got to do with it? My ds is 17 I have been telling him not to eat in his room for 7 years they just do it

Did I tell you about the time my DS was being a PITA and I ate half of a chocolate cake, that he'd been expecting slices of in his lunchbox?
I ate it in front of him. With appreciative noises.
Felt a bit sick afterwards but it was worth it.
Eat the snacks. feed them to the birds.
Discover a sense of the ridiculous so that you channel the desire to dig a pit and drop him in.

I would say it is only unfair if you or your DS are having snacks but you don't let DN.

BTW I agree with the other posters that a child gate in front of your DNs room is a better option than blaming DN.

aww mamateur i meant your reaction was extreme .....sorry.

Goblinchild snort

Noddy food is his achilles heel. He wants me to buy all sort of sugary nonsense and pot noodles etc. to snack on like granny does. He 'earns' a junk supplement on the online shop wtih good behaviour. We talked through what he wanted last night and worked out some things he could make himself and some other stuff he loves. The only rule I set down was no eating in your room because we now have mice since he came. I asked him if he was absolutely sure he understood - no eating at all. He must have taken about four platefuls into his room that same night - I found the plates at the same time as the window incident. He doesn't really care what we think about anything. I know he will carry on doing it and it will be one of those ongoing battles, but I really feel he was pretty blatant about ignoring me.

We don't snack at all or eat toast (which is still available just without four inches of nutella). DN also often refuses to eat any carbs - he just eats the meat or fish then declares he's starving almost immediately. I have tried all different ways of making potatoes, rice, noodles cous cous, but can't seem to get through to him.

I was not allowed tea in my room because I always left the mugs up there. And they would go mouldy and disgusting. However, notwithstanding that rule, I always drank tea in my room, after swearing bli d I would bring the mugs down. Tis what teenagers do!

Well if you went straight in there with him I don't really see what your so upset about. I agree with other posters that your reaction seems a bit extreme.

However, it sounds like this was the straw that broke the camels back. Teenagers can wear you down!

Do you set discipline for if he ignores you (like the eating thing), for example, if you eat in you room again I will remove your x-box/phone/i-pod for a week?

He probably is genuinely hungry though. Teenage boys eat incredible amounts!

Thanks Cat. WIth teenagers it's always the steps forward and steps back thing, I sometimes get such a high when it's going well, then other days I find it harder to be positive.

Thanks for all your posts - I am now much more mellow. Nothing to do with the of course

I've only withdrawn his snacks for two days though. He still has toast, waffles and nutella plus all the normal stuff like soups and spaghetti. It wasn't really the eating in his room that sent me over the top, it was the fact that it was the same evening he picked out his junk food on the on-line shop and we had the talk about not eating in his room/the mouse. He has £10 to spend a week, reasonable behaviour permitting, which is just for total junk as there is always food of his choice to snack on. But actually when we talked he did explain pretty well that it was because he was scared of the babysitter (we went out) - I was actually quite pleased. We've talked a bit about explaining what actually happened rather than storming out in a strop.

He was gutted about the whole DS and the window thing though, and desperate not to have the limiters fitted. I wasn't cross with him at all - i just said it wasn't his fault or responsibility and i was sure I wouldn't have remembered at his age. He wants a lock on the outside of his door instead, but I think I still have to go with the limiters.

Evening ended with the pair of us stuffing ice cream and strawberries and watching Dynamo

Maryz I know I'm strict but I swear he likes it! Never happier than told off that boy .

I just can't stop DS going into DN's room - I have proofed it though. They squeal around in there for at least an hour every evening. It would seem like a big punishment if i did.

Teenagers have brains like sieves with extra large holes - they retain NOTHING unless it is of particular interest to them and their lives - it's entirely normal. Don't assume just because he is old enough to understand/listen that he will necessarily remember to act on what you have told him. Put the window restrictor on immediately and explain that if it is very hot and he can't open it far enough then tough - he lost his chance to be trusted with an opening window.

Maryz I know I'm strict but I swear he likes it! Never happier than told off that boy.

Sounds like he has gone from one abusive relationship to another.

There are many posters who I respect here who seam to be ''jollying along with you'' so I am hopefully way off base, however your initial reaction was so extream and the lack of YOUR responsiblity in in the situation ie - I was being nice so dint fit window locks/limiters/- ds was only gone a second/has only just learned to open the door/ was only in there because he loves dn so much. BUT STILL BLAMING Dn and saying you will SEND HIM HOME is so familar to me as the language of emotional abuse.