Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I am shaking with anger

97 replies

Mamateur · 24/07/2011 18:09

I have had long, serious talks with DN (lives with us) about safety around DS (22 months) and most particularly his window. DN adores DS. Today he left his window wide open and went out for the day. The window is next to his desk and chair. He knows DS can open his bedroom door and it's his favourite place to hang out if he can manage it. He had just managed to get in but I spotted him. Even so he was already on the chair next to an open window at exactly his height.

I am so angry and shocked I don't know what to say to DN. He just nods and smiles at everything we say to him but nothing goes in his head.

It is our fault for not putting locks on his window but he begged us not to because he loves to have it open when he's on his computer and promised faithfully he could never ever forget.

I am also very angry at myself for taking any risk at all with DS life but I still feel like shouting and shouting and shouting at him.

He won't be back for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 25/07/2011 07:01

Maryz I am glad it's not just me then! I regularly open my cupboards to find zero glasses or mugs and have to go round the house collecting them up from three kids' rooms. (mine are 18, 16, 11)

I can lecture until I'm blue in the face about food upstairs but it just goes in one ear and out the other. I went out until very late last week, and when I got up the following morning I found a bath full of what I thought was vomit wrapped up in a bath towel. Hmm My 16 year old had tripped up the stairs carrying a curry Pot Noodle, and had scooped up the mess and dumped it in the bath. He then did a very half-hearted job of cleaning the beige wool stair carpet, and it now has a permanent luminous yellow stain on it. Angry

I could write a book on these things - they drive me up the fecking wall, but there is nothing to be done except Keep Calm And Carry On. And pray they all leave home soon.

AnansiGirl · 25/07/2011 07:01

Sometimes children who have been given very few boundaries and rules like the fact that in other situations, they know where they are.
In the same way that disruptive children with chaotic home lives regard school as a stable and safe environment with clear rules and consequences.
Mamateur didn't tell him all that she was thinking, and teenagers can push you to thinking some very drastic and illegal thoughts. Smile

mathanxiety · 25/07/2011 07:04

Yikes. Mine do not eat in their rooms. Ever. I have never let them from just about Day 1. Glass of water and that's it. They are welcome to have anything they want in the kitchen (as long as they clean up after themselves). There is always someone in there eating. I buy noodles by the case. Pounds of cheese disappear overnight. And ham. Boxes of cereal last one day if I'm lucky. I swear they have wooden legs.

Original poster
Mamateur · 25/07/2011 07:16

Gotabookaboutit how is it emotional abuse to talk to a child about their behaviour and lay down some ground rules Confused

These threads can be complicated, starting as they do with a massive waaah but I think if you reread you won't find grounds for the points you make. For example, I made it very clear I didn't blame DN for the window and I think I fully accepted my anger was directed at myself.

Actually up until a few weeks ago I turned a blind eye to DN eating in his room but every time I went in to clean up (flat for sale so viewings) there were more huge stains round his desk even though the carpets were only cleaned a couple of weeks ago.

Fellatio shall we pop over to good housekeeping and see what gets pot noodle out of carpets Grin.

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 25/07/2011 07:17

I agree with Maryz about picking your battles. Having a toddler/baby, where you can control pretty much everything that goes on is hugely different to having teenagers. Most of us have that 10 year transition to adjust to having our rules and ideals and expectations trashed Grin but you are having to experience it all in one go - parenting as you think it should be, (a well-oiled machine with an instruction manual written by you, and followed by you) and parenting how it actually is (full of glitches, demoralising at times, and heavy on the compromise, unless you want to send yourself insane or have your children hate your guts because you are so controlling.) Rules and boundaries are important, but so is knowing when it's ok to ease up on some of them, or listen to others' POV as they get older.

And yes, don't underestimate how often he will need to eat!

Gotabookaboutit · 25/07/2011 07:18

Its emotional abuse to hold a child to a higher level of responsiblity than you hold yourself.

ooh shall we skip over to relationships and see how we get that sort of shit out of a childs head Grin

FellatioNelson · 25/07/2011 07:22

The thing that is currently sending me batshit this holiday is the sheer amount of food being wasted because it has been left out on the side with the lid off, or left where the dogs can steal it, or stuck back in the fridge without being being wrapped/covered so it goes all strivelled and stale.

And I sometimes think they only things in my fridge or cupboards are empty boxes where food used to be. Angry

Two of mine have just finished A levels and GCSE's and have been home since May/June what with study leave, and the other has already been off school for two weeks, so the holidays have been LONG ENOUGH already in this house. Angry

wellwisher · 25/07/2011 07:22

Also think a bolt on the door would be safer and fairer than a window limiter . DS will soon learn that he can only go into the room when DN is there.

FellatioNelson · 25/07/2011 07:24

But if he can't remember to close the window, will he remember to bolt the door?

Gotabookaboutit · 25/07/2011 07:25

''Also think a bolt on the door would be safer and fairer than a window limiter . DS will soon learn that he can only go into the room when DN is there''

pratical and reasonable parenting at its simplistic best !

Gotabookaboutit · 25/07/2011 07:28

Will the op remember to moniter her 3 yr old ????

BluddyMoFo · 25/07/2011 07:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gotabookaboutit · 25/07/2011 07:32

sorry 22 month old !

bonkers20 · 25/07/2011 07:33

I have a 12 and 2 YO. As soon as DS2 could crawl we put a lock on the outside of DS1's door. We also still have the stair gates up.

bonkers20 · 25/07/2011 07:36

As for remembering to use the bolt - he's pretty good. Maybe not so much because he's thinking about safety, but more that he doesn't want his stuff trashed.

It's also very easy for me to push the bolt across rather than go in the room and check the window and other safety issues.

Gotabookaboutit · 25/07/2011 07:38

Put him under the stairs - problem solved!

Original poster
Mamateur · 25/07/2011 07:44

fellatio you are very right it's a rollercoaster. I don't actually think I'm controlling - weyll I've had to be a little bit like that because it has been hard (calls from the school nearly every day, hauled in for meetings etc.) and because I had the feeling we had to 'turn him round' a bit. Up till now I have had the sound of metaphorical brakes screeching in my ears. The school needed us to back them up at home. Now things are a lot calmer and he is happier and talks to me much more.

At the moment I have been letting him stay in bed all day, eat junk and play football with friends till 8.30.

I am having the window limiters fitted because then I know the window is shut even when DN has DS in there. It it right next to his desk and will open about 6 inches. After yesterday I really don't want to give DN the responsibility of locking his door. We don't have stair gates.

OP posts:
Tortington · 25/07/2011 07:50

i'd buy a stair gate.

seems to me this isn't DNs fault at all btw. the responsability was and is entirely yours - yours about the window, yours to know where your child is when they are roaming around the house at 22 months in different rooms etc...

these things happen and all that - but to apportion blame isn't helpful. taking action, as you are doing, is.

Original poster
Mamateur · 25/07/2011 08:00

Custardo, thanks, absolutely. I haven't blamed DN. I was just so shocked at what happened. By the time he came home I just said I didn't want him to have the responsibility of shutting the window so would put limiters on. We've never had stair gates so don't know if the door would still shut and anyway, DS would easily get over a stair gate even if he had to go and get a stool.

By the way, thanks Anansigirl for your kind post.

OP posts:
Gotabookaboutit · 25/07/2011 08:08

''I have had long, serious talks with DN (lives with us) about safety around DS (22 months) and most particularly his window''

Long serious talks is blame by the back door. Shaking with anger rather than shaking with fear -

''I didnt want the reponsiblity of hiim having to closwe the window'' - Bollocks did you - thats your now consodered response to what people have said!

Hate it when people re work things - without really admitting you were wrong to either fit a limiter - lock the door - keep your ds out of there you will not move forward

BluddyMoFo · 25/07/2011 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleEnd · 25/07/2011 08:20

Mamateur, I can't believe some of the reactions on this thread. I think you did really well to come on mumsnet to vent so that you were calm by the time DN came home. I have never thought of myself as strict, but I would probably have given him a strict talking to ("we have talked about DS around windows, and I'm really disappointed you didn't take that in.") Of course you should be keeping an eye on your son, but other people in your home have a responsibility to act sensibly too.

It's the same as me telling my 6-year-old that he must clear all his lego before his little brother sees it, in case he chokes on it...

I think you seem to be doing a great job, and am sending you hugs. That must have been really terrifying for you.

Original poster
Mamateur · 25/07/2011 08:29

Gotabookaboutit long serious talks was both of us explaining about stuff like leaving choking hazards like coins etc. around the house, hot drinks, scissors and of course windows. Why would that not be a good idea Confused. We are all in the house together. He was not used to living with a baby - he has not grown up with younger brothers or sisters. This is not blame by the back door.

When I posted I was shaking with anger, but as I fully and pretty quickly acknowledged on this thread, it was far better directed at me, was really just fear at what could have happened and I accepted full responsibility. That's why when DN came back I just explained the situation.

I don't think I rewrote, I would rather say I calmed down, climbed down and saw the situation more logically. I don't want to keep DS out of DN's room when he's there, they love playing together. I don't think I'm wrong to fit limiters, I think I am absolutely right to fit limiters as they are the safest option and DN will still be able to have this window open.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamateur · 25/07/2011 08:39

belleEnd thanks Smile

bluddy I have two issues with the door lock, firstly it will still be DN's responsibility and secondly, it won't cover the situation when they are in there together.

OP posts:
Gotabookaboutit · 25/07/2011 08:43

Lots of posters think you are in the right

I personally have no problem with limiters - no problem with talks - I think you have doen a brave thing taking on your DN

But you said SEND HIM HOME - your initail reaction was what HE had done wrong - I have read lots of your posts and think you talk the talk but dont walk the walk.

My opinion and purly subjective