Torn... | Mumsnet

pickyourbrain · 2011-05-16T16:18:49+00:00

So my DD is only 8 and my step DD is 12... the eldest has asked me some questions recently about when i lost my virginity, previous partners etc and if I've ever tried drugs... Now, I was 16 when i lost my virginity... but... I was pretty promiscuous [blush] I also took drugs -a lot- - it was the 90s! So, Obviously i'm not going advocate those life choices but to be honest I would change any of the experiences I had for the world... so... how do you apporach these things? With honesty... without honesty... I'm thinking something along the lines of how having sex with lots of people is fine as long as you're safe and know where you stand emotionally.. but the drugs thing has left me flumoxed.. [confused]

Watertight · 16/05/2011 18:09

It's an interesting one and I guess there's no right or wrong here, just an individual decision....

Hands up, I have painted a slightly more wholesome picture than was the reality of my own teenage experiences with sex and drugs.

catinthehat2 · 16/05/2011 18:13

no comment other than I now have Natalie Imbruglia warbling away annoyingly gaaaaaah

DurhamDurham · 16/05/2011 18:14

I have two teen girls and I don't think I could say to them that sex with lots of people is fine.

sharbie · 16/05/2011 18:16

i just do a and tell them some things are private.be discreet - you don't have to be dishonest.

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 16/05/2011 18:31

See, the thing is, I do think that sex with lots of people is fine as long as you aren't under any illusions... As much as I sometimes wish there was only my dp... I have some great stories and learned a lot of lessons in my teens and twenties that still bring a smile to my face now...

Maybe sharbie has the best idea with the !

OP posts:

sharbie · 16/05/2011 19:23

he he i did tell ds before his prom (which was followed by an all night party) - that to think of all things that his mates would be getting up to - and told him that at age 16 i had done it all.

Watertight · 16/05/2011 19:26

I think that being open with our DC encourages them to be open with us though.

Otherwise it's a one way street, isn't it?

Zebra1234 · 16/05/2011 21:35

With these situations it's unwise to make a 'like for like' comparison, your life with their's at 16. It is important to see their life and your own past in context. What might have been ok (less bad) in the '90s has potentially more dangerous and serious consequences now.

Younger and younger people are getting into the whole drugs,sex,alcohol scene. It is happening at a much earlier age now and yet children are even less able to deal with problems at this young age then you might have been when you were doing these things at 16. However, it is important as a parent to be open and straightforward with your children and it is up to you to choose which parts of your past are relevant to your children's experience today. You are entitled to your privacy and don't have to tell your children everything.

Zebra1234 · 16/05/2011 21:35

With these situations it's unwise to make a 'like for like' comparison, your life with their's at 16. It is important to see their life and your own past in context. What might have been ok (less bad) in the '90s has potentially more dangerous and serious consequences now.

Younger and younger people are getting into the whole drugs,sex,alcohol scene. It is happening at a much earlier age now and yet children are even less able to deal with problems at this young age then you might have been when you were doing these things at 16. However, it is important as a parent to be open and straightforward with your children and it is up to you to choose which parts of your past are relevant to your children's experience today. You are entitled to your privacy and don't have to tell your children everything.

Maryz · 16/05/2011 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thederkinsdame · 16/05/2011 22:43

Well you SD is hardly going to give you a lie-detector test, is she? It's a bit like GPs asking how many you smoke, then doubling it and I am sure she will be economical with the truth when she's older, no matter how open and honet you are! So I'd keep it vague say something along the lines of 'I was in my late teens. I've had around X partners and I did a bit of experimentation with drugs, but nothing heavy.' keep it vague and respectable IYSWIM.

IloveJudgeJudy · 16/05/2011 22:53

Lie, lie, lie. that's what I usually do if I don't think telling the truth would be appropriate in certain situations with my DC. I will probably tell the truth later, but when my 12yo DS asked me about my drinking, I told him I didn't until I was much older. Now he's 17, I told him I used to go in pubs when I was 13!

Stricnine · 17/05/2011 08:18

I also 'started' early and to a certain extent regret doing so, and this is what I've been fairly open with when talking to my DD (now 14)... I can't remember when she first broached the sex subject, but I glossed over the nitty gritty and concentrated on the feelings and subsequent behaviour of both myself and the boy (who I've long since lost contact with) ...

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 17/05/2011 09:05

maryz Her mum's advice has consisted of - "it's better to wait until you are married before you have sex so the man can't leave you afterwards but women usually have sex with lots of men to make them feel better about themselves so that's what you'll probably do too" I'm not too worried about conflicting with her advice tbh!

Brilliant advice everyone! I need to come on 'teenagers' more often, you lot have all the answers!

OP posts:

Maryz · 17/05/2011 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

pickyourbrain · 17/05/2011 09:30

Ha! I think that her mother is one of the reasons I want to be fairly honest. She firmly beleives that sex is something you give to men by way of a bargain or a gift, or because you need to know you are attractive. She's told me that herself. I'd rather our girls enjoyed it for what it is and didnt feel ashamed.

I think the drugs thing is definitely one to lie about. Thinking about it, drugs are crap these days anyway (so Ive been told) so they've probably missed out on the experiences we had in the 90s anyway. Yes, it's decided. I will lie, lie, lie, where they are concerned

OP posts:

circular · 17/05/2011 13:44

I'm an older mum to two DDs - 13 and 8.

DD1 has asked questions about what age I was allowed boyfriends, my views on abortion and drugs. She has not asked the virginty or number of partner questions yet though.

I have answered honestly, although cherry-picked how much or little I have told her. This seems to have paid off as (so far) she has been very open with me, and (I think) comes to me with all her problems. I always try to reinforce that she can ask me anything.

Being a teenager in the 70's was different to now (AIDS unheard of) so I would certainly want to stress that as a difference when appropriate.

As far as drugs go, shw knows I 'tried' some in my late teens but that's as far as it went. She was quite surprised as I am very anti-smoking and drugs now, and I don't drink.