A delicate question concerning teenage boys

[Guttersnipe]

I wonder if other mums of teenage boys could reassure me about this as it is really isn't something I want to ask my mum or mil about.

I have a son, nearly 15, who has recently started either masturbating or having wet dreams, either way, every week the sheets are stained. I am fine about this - happy for him even! - but I just want to ask about basic hygiene as this is not something I have had to consider before.

Under the bed, I have a white towelling waterproof mattress cover - a hang over from the days when he sometimes wet the bed or to protect the mattress when he was ill. For ages now it has been something I would only wash once a year, not because it looked particularly grubby but as part of spring cleaning.

But since ds has been masturbating/having wet dreams, the mattress cover gets quite stained too and needs washing about once a month.

Is this what you have to do too? Partly I just want to know, out of interest, but partly also I am wondering if the stains on the mattress cover are caused by something else: I was shocked the other month to realise, for example, that at some point ds had wet the bed and covered it up - natural for him to do so at his age, I suppose, but I want to be sure he hasn't got a recurring problem.

So basically, the question is, does your son's emissions mean the mattress cover needs washing more frequently?

Thanks.

if you don't want to talk about it to him just put the items (tissues/bin etc) in the bedroom and he will understand i'm sure

Guttersnipe - yes just ask him to strip his whole bed (including under slip) once a week and put them in the washer on 60 degrees. Show him how to do it and remind him to do it.

But for goodness sake don't start cross examining him about it. The poor kid will die of embarrasment. He has some right to privacy.

While you are at it teach him to use a vacuum cleaner and cook!

I never did a load of washing until I left home.
I went to uni and did all my own laundry and changed my bed every week without fail.
doing laundry isn't exactly rocket science, I'm sure OPs son will be able to figure it out when he needs to.
haven't done any ironing in years however....

That's if he goes to university robynlou what if he doesnt and the next place he lives in is with a woman... Who's mother has trained her to cook/clean etc...? Is he suddenly going to step up? Or allow her to do it all because that's what a woman's role in the home is... as demonstrated by mum?

Thanks everyone - much more useful and less stressful to read!

Of course threads go off topic and I am happy to go with the discussion. But I didn't really feel I got much response to my original query, just a lot of women telling me to stop molly-coddling my son (which is the bit you know nothing about as I did not mention it).

I do agree with virtually everything you say Watertight wrt getting the children to do their bit around the house but taking the main burden on myself as a SAHM. It was what I signed up for when I chose to be a SAHM, so I don't have a problem with it, though of course I acknowledge the need to teach my children how to become independent adults. I do think your experience is a bit different to mine though. Your girls sound a joy. I know not all boys (or girls) are the same, but my eldest son is quite a difficult individual and he has not been open to many things for years. I couldn't talk to him about personal issues for instance. Not because I would be uncomfortable, but because he would. And I do think he has a right to privacy. But I approve the concept of talking things through, and certainly, I would be able to do this with my other 2 sons. Ditto things like cake making: ds2 loves to have a go occasionally, but ds1 has never been interested, though, before anyone shouts, he has stepped up to the mark in emergencies and made dinner for all his siblings when needed.

All my children do stuff about the house on a regular basis too - washing up, drying up, hoovering, emptying dishwasher, ironing, cleaning windows, dusting, etc. I think I was unlucky that my question concerned sheets as they just happen to be one of the areas I deal with myself.

I can't help but wonder about the people here who squirm at the thought of laundering a boy's semen stained sheets. How on earth did you cope with changing nappies?

get a gripl lol and yes he will go to uni tyvm you sound like one of these either men haters or just someone who comes on to flame people , i think its ridiculous to claim your 4 yo willingly strips the beds of a morning pmsl @ pick you obviously live alone other than your poor slave sorry daughter (i wonder why)

I'm with you, OP, and whoever said learning this stuff is not rocket science.
And do people make their partners strip the bed if it gets stained, in case some of the deposit touches them? Bizarre.
My DCs each do a job or three daily, but there's no fixed rota and it's pretty ad hoc, usually whatever I need doing at that moment but either can't face it or am time-pressed.
So the table gets laid, dishwasher loaded/emptied, pans washed, surfaces wiped, living room tidied, bin emptied and taken outside, dog walked etc.
Enough that they realise we're a family and they need to pull their weight for things to run smoothly, but not so that it's a source of resentment.

Sorry gutter my comments re mollycoddling were aimed at smileandwave.

I can assure you I'm not "one of these man haters" smileandwave I am a feminist. Maybe go over to the feminism board and ask for some further views on divison of labour between men and women. It is nothing to do with hating men i can assure you. I am talking about teaching children equality.

Your posts are quite tricky to read so I'm not hugely offended but I have to say.. I find it plain nasty to say i obviously live alone apart from my DD whom I treat as a slave. She does strip her own bed and has done so since she was 4. she loves having responsibility and i can assure you is by no means a slave. I live with my partner of 4 years, my 8 year old DD and my DSD who is 12. I also have my Dnephew who is 2 roughly every other weekend, it's a very busy and fun household. We split the chores equally between all of us (obviously taking in to account the ages and making sure responsibilities are age appropriate)

In fact, I would say that teaching boys to do housework is the very opposite of hating men. It is giving your son the tools he needs for adult life. If you don't teach him when he was little (and make it second nature - ie a couple of lessons the week before he moves out are NOT enough) how on earth will he suddenly get into the habit of cooking and cleaning for himself?

I teach my children to join in with the housework, because I remember sitting there with my feet up watching my mum running round after us, and not thinking anything of it, then when faced with my first flat it all seemed so overwhelming as I had only ever done housework as a kind of "go on mum, we'll give you a treat and do the hoovering for you". As my mum was cleaning up after five of us, it took up most of the time when she wasn't working. I would hate for my DDs to think that basic housework is such a big deal, and I would hate to clean round people sitting still.

It transfers to other areas of life too - if you can cook well, your food bill is a lot cheaper and you are healthier. If you are used to cooking, cleaning and doing basic DIY for yourself you are less likely to be put off by paying bills, budgeting, even asking for an extension on an essay.

I always see parenting (although I admit to only having preschoolers - who help with housework) as a process of gradually helping your child to not need you. Of course, you will always be there to support and to pick them up when they fall, but you are basically there to do yourself out of a job .

if you dont like my response pick go back and read yoyr inflamitory response im 50 years old and do not need your or anyone elses rude comments on my parenting skills tyvm im quite capable BP i said that to pick because she was so rude if you read back her comments about my son . some of you on here really need a sense of humour and to take life a incy bit less serious because after holding a relatives hand and watching them die in agony reciently you realise this is balony and life for enjoying not lectures from strangers hypocrites on here pick to tell me im rude maybe you need to put your brain in gear before jumping to conclusions about things you know nothing of, Bp if you read back i also said my dcs do housework god all i said which made Pick rant was i wouldnt want to eat my sons cooking, you wait untill youve 2 teens in the house not quite so easy as preschoolers as im sure you can imagine , but i did also write my DS has to also help look after my youngest DS whos ASD (autistic) and thats incredibly hard work for an adult let alone a lad of his age...I FOUND IT PLAIN NASTY FOR YOU TO SAY MY SON WONT GET A PARTNER quid pro quo

I have a nearly 18 year old son and we've never discussed this, but to answer your question, I have a mentality that family bodily emissions are less squicky than other people's because we all share the same genes and germs :-),. Frankly after having my son vomit directly into my mouth while I was playing "flying baby" pretty immunised me against squeamishness and germs. I would put tissues in his room and hope he takes the hint if he's masturbating, but my guess is that if he is, he's already worked out how to contain it (LOL) so it's probably wet dreams and the poor lad can't help that, so he's using the old "head in the sand" method and hoping you won't notice (bless). Also, if it is wet dreams it could be happening every night so maybe wash the sheets a bit more often but don't worry too much (grossness warning) it tends to dry (hence the crispy socks) and doesn't cause rotting and smells because there is actually only a couple of teaspoonfuls each time.

This thread did remind me of something a friend of mine wrote a couple of years ago. She's a comedian so I hope this raises a smile or two about the joys of boys:

blogmella.wordpress.com/2010/05/29/ten-top-tips-for-raising-boys/

She also wrote this:

blogmella.wordpress.com/2010/03/18/the-skills-of-motherhood/

yay for a grip on reality and a sense of humour agree totally busybod

I agree BPisme, A few people have said that as their DSs are intelligent they will simply show them how to use (eg) a washing machine at some point and they will understand. But its not thge practicle skill thats important, its the habit.
One of my closest friend's DH is a civil engineer, he builds bridges and roads, yet he can't fathom the washing machine... pull the other one!

Im sure you'll find it petty smileandwave, but I am choosing not to engage with you anymore as I would do someone in RL who spoke to me in such an odd and incomprehensible manner.

Unfortunately a lot of mothers mollycoddle their sons which results in useless husbands who are very difficult to live with. What on earth OP are you doing washing his bedding for him?
I feel sorry for the future wife, girlfriend who will probably be expected to change his bedding etc eek. How much does electricity to launder his bedding once a week cost? Is it too high a price to pay for the fact that your son will learn valuable skills, and can have a bit of dignity and privacy.

I would understand if he was five or eight, but fifteen? I think there are definitely some boundaries being broken by washing your (nearly adult) son's semen stained bedding. When will you stop? When he is 18, 20, 30, 40?

I might be wrong but to me it does seem quite odd. I think you should let him have a bit of privacy, and let him sort out his laundry when he needs to.

ditto pick shame your so narrow minded , all i said was my sons cooking is awful , and from that you have hung drawn and quartered me and my whole family and made all these horrible assumptions and comments...RL you say lets end it there

pick you handled that (whatever that was?!) brilliantly! As they say, don't enter into a battle of wits with the unarmed

Guttersnipe It is up to you and you alone if you wash your lovely boys sheets, it is not my place to say. How that equates to your DS turning into a bad DH is so ridiculously stupid I am sure you can rationalise it so as not to be offended. I'd wash the mattress protector with the sheets and not worry.

HTH :)

pinot you didnt read what this lady said to me or you wouldnt say that i was reacting to her volly of abuse, unarmed exactly

Yes, back to the original point, as pinot says, wash the mattress proector with the sheets. We wash our mattress protector once a month roughly. Sometime sex goo (tmi) gets through on to it and that is no doubt what the marks are. Either that or a cup of tea. But whatever it is, if he is in otherwise good health, it won't be anything serious and putting aside whether you should be washing his sheets or not, just chuck it all in together. Bit of vanish, job done.

That is normal at that age. I have found tissues and socks from my step-son since he was about 13. It is absolutely NORMAL! The more they do it, the less chance they are having sex. I am very open about sex with my step-son (unlike his parents) and I advise him what we would prefer from him but also I let him know that if he decides to disobey, we will be disappointed but would rather he have protection. I tell him we worry about pregnancy and so forth and that he has plenty of time.

I can't believe the posters who believe you should sit a 14-15 year old boy down and recommend tissues for masturbation!

OP, all you have to do is say every Saturday morning, "Bring your sheets down, will you, I need to put a wash on." Once a month tell him to bring down the mattress cover. Pass him the vacuum cleaner and a bin bag on a Saturday morning too and say "Just run this round, will you?"

There. Done.

Hello all and op
I am sure by now you are not needing any more advice on this subject!!!!lol so am not going to be writing any!!
I can see that this post has lead to alot of debate..... but I would like to say thank you to op for starting it. I know that it has gone off in alot of directions that you may not of wanted but for me it has been very positive to read the differant ideas and opened my eyes up to a few issues and how to tackle them in a way that doesn't affect my son's self esteem.
So thanks everyone

Assuming he does not sleep naked, a good way to know if he is having wet dreams (involuntary) or masturbating (voluntary) is to note - if you are still doing his laundry - if the stains are also present on his underwear and pajama bottoms. If it is, it is from a wet dream.

And alternate solution is to see if he can try to sleep on his back. This way the stain is not likely to go onto the sheets or mattress and remain in his clothes - which still need washing, obviously.

Teen boys who masturbate usually learn to do so so that telltale stains and evidence are NOT left behind. There are many ways to masturbate, and perhaps "humping" the bed (or pillow) while laying on his stomach might be his preferred method, but he should be doing it on an old shirt or sweatpants or something that can absorb the mess without it ruining the bed.

As has been said get him to wash his own sheets and buy him a box of tissues. The idea of discussing masturbation with your son is a bit odd why should want to discuss with his mother ? Are fathers recommended to discuss masturbation with their daughters ?