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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

HELP. my son went to his dads on holiday and hasnt returned.

22 replies

helenabingley · 05/05/2011 09:32

my son who is nearly 14 went to his dads on holiday for easter and hasnt returned.
I only found this out the day he were due back. I live in yorkshire and his dad lives in cornwall. His dad has cut all contact and Ive been unable to speak to him since sunday.
Have just been served court papers to attend next week in devon, I utterly destroyed and do not know what to do. I have got a solicitor involved ect. All I want to do is talk to him ad reasure him that I love him and Im not angry with him. They have cut all contact. I have rought my son on my own for the last 13 years, we have a good life and were very happy.
His dad has a new girlfreind whos son is my sons age, Im sure this is a case of the grass being greener but I am heartbroken.
Please help.

OP posts:
QueenofDreams · 05/05/2011 09:34

No advice but bumping for you :( I can't begin to imagine how you're feeling right now

Ooopsadaisy · 05/05/2011 09:41

I have a 15 year old DS and can't imagine the heartache/anguish/worry/stress/despair you must be feeling.

Does your DS have facebook or moblie you could try to leave a messsage for him? email? Do you have any friends in that part of the world who could make contact or do you know the neighbours?

What has your DS said about not returning? Has he given any reasons or not even mentioned it?

You must be out of your mind with it all.

What about school? If he's nearly 14 then I guess he's not doing GCSEs this year but what's happening with that?

Do you have other DCs? They must be going through hell if you have.

So sorry for you.

Bumperlicioso · 05/05/2011 09:50

No advice but how awful for you. Hope you can contact your son :(

Original poster
helenabingley · 05/05/2011 14:50

Thankyou for your kind words.

My son has turned his phone off and I was told by the police if I waited outside the house I would be arrested for breach of peace.

I can describe how desperate I feel and how useless as a mother.
I keep hitting brick walls.
I have recieved court papers thismorning and his dad has made me out to be wicked mother, he said that my son is pale and im not feeding him proper meals, A massive lie, we love food and I cook every night. He has also said I send him there with clothes too small on purpose, again a massive lie, my son is spoiled rotten and gets everything he wants including the best make trainers, ectect.
He has applied that his girlfriend gets parental responsibility over me, this woman has 3 kids and only one lives with her.
He has made me out to be a bad bad person, I can not get over it, each day brings worse news and I still havnt been able to speak to my son and reasure him i love him.
He is my only child and my world is dead without him, I simply can not believe this has happened.

OP posts:
Buda · 05/05/2011 14:52

Oh no. You poor thing. I am sorry and hope you manage to get it sorted out.

pinkteddy · 05/05/2011 14:56

Have you spoken to your son's school? They may be able to help you by referring you to professionals who can help and also by supplying written evidence to the court about your son and how he is cared for. Please get legal advice, have you tried the CAB?

this is a very good website - advice now

tilly3 · 05/05/2011 16:30

Stay strong and calm. The grass may not stay greener for him for long. And he will begin to miss you. It will work out. He loves you really and in the long run may feel terrible about hurting you with these lies.

GypsyMoth · 05/05/2011 16:33

what are the court papers actually for??

gingeroots · 05/05/2011 20:33

So sorry for you - just want to say that similar thing happened to friend of mine .
Her DS ( about 14 ) went off to stay one Christmas with ex and didn't come back .
The son and father ( new partner ) had obviously been planning it - in the end he stayed with ex ,on fairly amicable terms because better school .
So sorry for you ,trying to demonstrate that teenage boys can indeed have a grass is greener attitude .
Please get good legal advice .
Have you also posted here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters
for advice ?

Original poster
helenabingley · 05/05/2011 21:58

Hi
Yes I have sought legal advice and am in the middle of getting statements from various people to help me, ie DS school, friends, my work ect ect.
His father has not contacted the school, his current or his new school as I have spoke to every possible person. I am heartbroken that I havnt spoke to him yet, As I can only imagine what he must be thinking, I bet he is petrified and the more time that goes on the better his father can brain wash him. I an hoping following talks with solicitors today I can speak to him soon and reasure him I love him with all my heart and respect his wishes. fingers crosses and many thanks for all your concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
helenabingley · 05/05/2011 22:00

The court papers are for residency order and to grant the father and new partner parental responsibility.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 05/05/2011 23:17

new partner cant gain parental responsibility though Confused

and it will need to go to court in order to gain anything else,so he will have to explain all this soon enough

GypsyMoth · 05/05/2011 23:18

could you file a prohibited steps order?? for the school move? i dont know,just a thought

mamas12 · 06/05/2011 23:27

That is insane that the police told you that. Have contacted CAB perhaps go there anyway and post a letter through the door at the very least.

Or get the police to give him a letter/message from you.

Hope this is resolved for you and your son soon

WelshCerys · 07/05/2011 14:26

Just come across this thread. Thinking of you and your son.

It must be tremendously difficult - his stuff around you, your life together, seeing photos - but previous posts are quite right.

Stay as strong and calm as you possibly can. See this as one enormous challenge - one you will surmount. Courts must be very used to one version of events - they'll deal with it. Perhaps your son will be represented himself (Cafcass?) or perhaps by then things will be moving in your direction.

Try to avoid court if possible - not a good place to be - and courts anyway are impressed by parties who request mediation. Ask your solicitor about this - a good solicitor will encourage you down this route anyway.

Sounds like 'family mediation' is needed here - above all, you want to repair the damage done by his dad. A compromise may be offered - some kind of mixed residency or increased contact with his dad. BUT - and this is important - your home is where your son knows best, his school and his mates are there and very, very importantly, his Mum. Even misogynist judges seem to recognise that there's no-one (usually) in a child's life quite like a mother.

And don't let the police scare you with tales of breaches of the peace. Keep posting - you have mates here!

balia · 07/05/2011 14:37

Do you think your ex is keeping your son there against his wishes? Or have there been any clues that might have indicated that your son was thinking about moving in with Dad? At 14 he is going to have his wishes respected (and the court will attempt to find out what they are and not take your ex's word for it).

Zebra1234 · 07/05/2011 21:13

Trust your solicitor and if it does go to court your son will be interviewed by cafcass. his wishes will be taken into account as will the fact that you have had sole custody of your son for all these years. If it is just a case of your ex and his new partner trying to bully you by withholding contact, this will be obvious to the judge because you have been sole carer with PR. Try to gather as much evidence as you can ie. Get school and medical reports to show he is doing well under your care. Although the courts may seem daunting the fact that your son is old enough to speak for himself will be your greatest weapon. Good luck

tallwivglasses · 07/05/2011 21:34

I'm horrified OP, and just wanted to add my support x

Gonzo33 · 05/06/2011 11:42

OP, I cannot add to the advice given here. However would just like to offer a (((HUG))) and my good wishes to you. Courts can be scarey places but you are doing the right thing.

Chummybud1 · 05/06/2011 18:45

Sorry can't help but hope it all works out.

loubie1967 · 06/06/2011 11:05

So sorry, what an awful situation, would like to echo advice about going to CAB and Family mediation. At 14 your son is going through such huge emotional changes he is probably v confused, could he be trying to escape from unhappy school environment?

Whatever happens don't take this as a personal rejection, leave all lines of communication open (via his friends, cousins?) and hope that when his head clears he knows you are still there for him and always will be.

flow4 · 12/06/2011 13:41

Just bumping this because it has been almost 2 weeks, and this sounds like such a difficult and painful situation... I don't know whether things are resolved or you're feeling desperate and isolated...?

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