Cannabis use anyone? - question, not offer!

[motheroftwoboys]

I have suspected for a few months that my DS - 15 has been dabbling with cannabis. I have asked him about it and, naturally, he has lied and made up all manner of excuses for whatever it was that I asked him about. My DH has been talking to him today and he has now admitted it. We (DH and me) are going to talk more tonight. Any advice anyone. Don't want to come down to heavy on this but don't want him to think we think it is ok. Can't be too hypocritical as so many people people did this when I was a teenager. I have never used drugs or smoked so haven't got much experience. I know at last year's parents night at his very good independent boys school, the head told us that it would be unusual if a Year 10 boy nowadays had not experimented. what is your experience of this if any?

I'd say it's pretty normal.
Just keep calm and point out the risks involved and where it could lead.

Bear in mind that most people have had a go (or maybe quite a few) and it hasn't done them any harm.

My own kids are small but if I knew my niece (17) was having a toke or two it honestly wouldn't get any of our family in a lather.

Hope that helps.

As the school head has said, it'd be unusual for him not to have experimented by now. Therefore, since it's his dad he's spoken to, I'd have thought it's appropriate for DH to ask him some open questions and find out his thoughts on the experience...It might not be appropriate to come down heavily on him, but as long as he's aware of the risks he's old enough to be sensible I'm sure.

i would say that it is probably unusual for a 15 yr old boy not to have experimented and ime more likely to have experimented if he goes to private school rather than state (surprising as that may be) when i was 14 my boyfreind of the time was 16 and went to a very good private school near windsor and had been smoking cannabis for a couple of years. i tried it hated it, as i hate smoking anyway that came as no surprise just wanted to try and fit in.

he grew out of it quickly enough (although i have to say it was after failing 50% of his gcses after spending more time getting stoned than studying)but i am sure that it is just a stage that they go through for the majority of boys and wouldn't make too much fuss.

i would proabbly make it clear that it wasn't acceptable and that you don't condone it, but thank him for his honesty and ask him where he intends to take it from here.

I think there is a very positive sign that he was able to tell you (eventually) that he has been smoking it.

I smoked it quite alot as a teenager and would never even admit it to my mum now!

I think, like everyone has said, there is no point coming down hard on him. I would say treat it the same as you would when you talk to him about alcohol. If you are calm and rational he is more likely to be open with you about things like this in future.

The reason I also hid it from my mum is that she took a very hard line where drugs were concerned and said that if she ever found out I'd taken anything she'd call the police herself to have me arrested.

I grew out of doing it - like most teenagers do and I can't say it ever did me any harm. Infact it was probably better than me going out drinking.

if it was my son, I'd tell him he could smoke it, but only at weekends (so it won't affect schoolwork), and that he must read some pamphlet about the connection between cannabis and mental illness.

I think that's fair. lets face it, I very much dout he will stop taking it altogether because you tell him to.

I have used cannabis - not in a big heavy way or anything - also tried tobacco and getting drunk.
I was about 18 at the time, and I believe that it is a process that some teenagers go through. Some dont.
I believe that as less as possible fuss should be made about it - or he might rebel. I would just talk to him about your concerns and be as calm as possible.
Personally I dont believe that cannabis is as harmful as tobacco or alcohol, but this is my opinion!

At 16 I drank, didnt smoke cigarettes but smoked dope. My Mum knew and didnt make a big deal out of it, just made me aware of the dangers etc...

As an adult I did try other things and started to smoke cigarettes, but at 32, I dont drink, smoke anything (well, not very often ) and consider myself a decent person.

I hope I will be like my Mum.

my life for the past year with my teenager 15 nearly 16 has been dominated by this very thing.

the blood shot eyes give it away and dilated pupils.

i have a no tolerence policy. i dont like it, i dont like it in my house, i dont like it around my other children. i dont like it. everytime he gets stoned hes grounded for a month and thats that. and i stick to it.

as a community worker i know most local resources - and they were all shit.

went to a drug awareness evening the other night. and ds was bored of his head. as was i. it was heavily literate - pamphlets - posters - the agencies hadn't tried or thought about the clients they may well get in. it was pants.

you will have a drug action team in your area. look it up
primary care trust will have something

frank - sends out leaflets.

its all leaflets.

in fact my son was very impressed with franks leaflets becuase he cut out the ganja plants and put them on his wall!!

am sure senorapostrophes way of dealing with it is better - i just couldnt bring myself to condone it.

i think if you have no idea of the signs to look for then you need to get some advice. so for instance dont let him take empty pop bottles up to his room - he may be using it as a bong! stuff like thats always useful. i knew that stuff anyway i wnated someone to come in and tell him to stop immediatley or they would cut off his arms leggs and head.

i dont know what i wanted - all i got was a leaflet from the friends and parents of drug users and an invitation to go to a group talk near brigthon with other drug users - well i didn't quite fancy my ds sitting in a room with heroin addicts so skipped that one.

am bitterly disapointed with the lack of support. but on the other hand dont know what support i could have got!

hope you fare much better than me.

thanks for this. Have been away looking at archive stuff and I see there is loads to look at. sorry to have double posted by the way. don't know what happened. I have always believed that dope is less dangerous than nicotine but realise that the stuff now is stronger than that smoked when I was a kid. My concern is that my DH is an alcoholic and I think DS has inherited his addictive personality. I am also aware of the links to mental illness and DS, we think, has a pre-disposition to depression through his dad's family. My DH is a great person for DS to talk to as he has not long been out of rehab and goes to AA every day so understands a lot more about addiction than I will ever do. DS is gorgeous and we have no other problems with him and I just think this is occasional use with a group of friends who, no doubt, think it is "cool". Will re-read info we got from school and try not to over-react.

I worry about the hereditary element too as dp is a recovering alcoholic and my brother was a heroin user for years although most of his residual problems are from prolonged cannabis use.We are just totally honest with ds about addiction but he is only 11 and so when peer pressure kicks in who knows?At least he has understanding parents which is something that a lot of teenagers don't and if he does find himself out of his depth he can talk to you.If he hasn't got addictive tendencies then it will probably fizzle out but I understand your worry

Issymum - Some good points.

Issymum - thanks for those, particularly the effect on erections. I am sure he is at the age where this will be of particular interest! Note the comments in some archive threads about it making you hungry. DS is like a dustbin. He eats loads! But he always has! Will be keeping a very close eye on him in future. I am already one of the embarrassing sort of parents who check up on him. Other question, I spoke to the mum of one of his friends a couple of months ago when I suspected what was going on. Do you think I should give her a call and update her? Or is that dropping him in it big time?

she may get all " johnnie can't go out with hes a druggie keep away"
or
maybe you can keeps tabs on them both together without them knowing

Well like custardo, we've been having difficulty with our son smoking skunk. He has has lost two jobs, now unemployed won't sign on i believe him to be supplying. The child/son I had has gone. I am left with an aggressive argumentative paranoid sob. We will not tolerate drug use in our house and he has restricted out time he has to be in each evening at 10.30 week day and 11.30 weekends. We have been in touch with the police liaison officer but all too little avail, even told them suppliers name. As he lives in our house he has to respect our views, and likewise we respect his, that's why he is looking for somewhere else to live. I found parent line the most helpful.

i dont think any reasonable person would disagree with the one off party being stoned scenario - but theres sommat not right when they are doing it regularly or in their room. IMO

it's good that you can talk about it reasonably openly - my parents completely freaked when they found out I was smoking cannabis (I was 17 when they found out I think) and my relationship with them went extremely sour for a long time. They were convinced it was going to be heroin next and apparently sneaked into my room to check my arms for needle marks at night. It got so ridiculous that I asked to be able to go to boarding school to get away from the bad atmosphere at home - all because of a bit of grass.
Anyway, boarding school was completely rife with all sorts of drugs - it was shocking. I'd never seen people use LSD before, and there it was suddenly commonplace. I would keep a good eye on him because independent schools seem to be particularly bad regarding availability of drugs.

also - have found new girlfriend seems to keep him on the straight and narrow as he wants to go out and not be grounded - if thats any use.

There are lots of girls in the crowd at the moment but no-one special, I don't think. School is very, very strict on drugs. Zero tolerance on anyone dealing in school. Someone was expelled last week. anyone found using in or around school is suspended - only dope as far as I am aware nothing stronger has ever been discovered. You lot have helped me keep sane this afternoon - haven't got much/any work done though!!

I agree with most people that it's a positive sign he told you. Again, it is a common drug and I agree that it would be unusual if he hadn't at least experimented. Occasional or experimetal smoking will not worry me when my DD is a teenager, habitual smoking will. Even then, I doubt that I would punish as Custardo has, I would look for reasons why my child has decided to opt out of sober living. It has been my experience that the people I know who smoke pot habitually do so to escape problems. It's my opinion that curing the cause is better than punishing the symptom.

Have no experience of this yet with my sons as they are younger, but all my friends who have teenage sons of around 14/15 know their sons have smoked dope at some time. OK, I do not have that many friends with teenage sons, but the ones I know live in very different types of families. I think it's very common.

A while ago, I was talking to one of these friends. I wanted to know how an 11 year old like my son, fiercely anti smoking, not interested in alcohol or drugs, could change in just 2 or 3 years into someone who wanted dope.

My friend told me how school dealers (this was at a grammar school) get the boys indebted to them. A boy buys a small amount of dope as a one off for a party. The dealer befriends them and offers them more for free, but then demands payment, or else. Not taking the offered drugs or not paying for them means the boy risks getting beaten up. There's a stong link at the school between drugs and bullying. I don't know how true this is, of if this could be the case at your son's school, but it could be worth checking out.

in defence of private schools, at the one I went to (all girls) I didnt know anyone who used drugs of any sort apart from tobacco. if a few did, they kept it very quiet.

agree with others, Id emphasise the negative aspects of cannabis rather than fears about heroin addiction. no teenager is going to see themselves as a future heroin addict, however worried their parents may be!

Well I've had a nightmare over the past few months because of my DS (15 then now 16). He got caught with cannabis in his coat pocket at school. School rang the police who arrested him, put him in the van and took him to the police station. I got a phone call at work from the police to say he'd been arrested for possession of vegetable matter and would I go to the station whilst they charged him (and conducted a search at my house). He was locked in a cell for a few hours, very upset. I got there and I was put in the cell with him which was a trauma in itself! Who wants to be locked in a cell with their "baby" who's turned into a teenage rebel! All that flashed through my mind was bringing my new baby home from hospital, first day at school etc. DS told lies and said he'd found it on his way to school and was going to give it to his mum when he got home! I got the truth out of him - unbeknown to me he was smoking cannabis quite regularly. As has been said previously, he was given it, wanted more, no money to pay, then threatened with being beaten up. He ended up at court charged with possession and through the youth offenders system. He's now served his "sentence". It's left me feeling a total wreck and failure with my DS. I never, ever thought I would "have the police at my door" and it has left me an emotional wreck. DS has now changed his mates, who he has grown up with and has promised me he'll not smoke cannabis again. His manner has changed - he's not as aggressive and eager to go out anymore (as he was when he was using cannabis). He's more chilled. So - OK - it's something teenage lads do but if they get caught it's not very nice. I think the police should concentrate more on where the teenagers are getting it from. My DS has said the local dealer sells to kids! At 15 he's a kid so God knows how young some are who are using cannabis!

As far as private schools go, I've gotta say that the biggest potheads I know come from both state and private schools. Look at it this way- there's so much more to rebel against in a private school. It's such a classist myth that private schools can protect from drug use. After all, Eton didn't stop Prince Harry from smoking pot, did it?