Cannabis use anyone? - question, not offer!

[motheroftwoboys]

I have suspected for a few months that my DS - 15 has been dabbling with cannabis. I have asked him about it and, naturally, he has lied and made up all manner of excuses for whatever it was that I asked him about. My DH has been talking to him today and he has now admitted it. We (DH and me) are going to talk more tonight. Any advice anyone. Don't want to come down to heavy on this but don't want him to think we think it is ok. Can't be too hypocritical as so many people people did this when I was a teenager. I have never used drugs or smoked so haven't got much experience. I know at last year's parents night at his very good independent boys school, the head told us that it would be unusual if a Year 10 boy nowadays had not experimented. what is your experience of this if any?

[laligo]

i tried cannabis at 16 and probably smoked it for 10 years on and off - never habitually. i totally agree it was because it was there, the done thing, a bit if fun and a bit rebellious (though pretty well accepted - i've played gigs where the rider included joints and i've smoked dope with teachers from my old school when i was in a band with them)

a gree with nooka - there's a big diff between experimenting/occasional social use, and dependency. i think the main route to kids understanding that difference is thorough and honest education - about what all drugs are, how they work, how addiction works, risks (but in a factual not scaremongering way) and also economics - how drugs trade works and who it explouts. kids like to feel their intelligence is respected and that they can make decisions on the basis of knowledge.

in the light of what i learned at that age, i thought cannabis was ok sometimes, i tried coke and lsd once each out of interest, and never touched heroin. now, i never take any drugs, drink lightly and don't smoke. you can't prevent this phase but i think good drugs education is the best approach.

[motheroftwoboys]

Agree with you Custardo. As far as I know, DS1 has no problems. Up until this he has always discussed with me. I think it is purely because he is mixing with a different group of friends for which this is the "norm" and he doesn't want to be different. Although a sociable and popular child he has got himself in trouble on more than one occasion because he has been a sheep and followed the crowd without really thinking about what he as doing. I think this is another example.

[gazebo]

I have a similar problem with my 16 year old.
My main concern is the effect on a brain that isn't yet fully mature. I worry that even occasional use could interfere with brain development and lead to permanent changes. The adult brain may be more resistant. I don't know if there are any scientific evidence for this but I have heard it suggested on a radio or tv program about dope.

With hindsight, I would guess he probably tried cannabis for the first time at 12. He is the type to try everything but I had no idea it was so readily available in our rural district. Call me naive if you like. So I guess if he was one of the population who is particularly sensitive to cannabis he would he been affected by now. But I still can't wait for him to grow out of it.

[Tortington]

that would rather depend on what habitual pot smoking - or drinking for that matter means.

are we talking daily. weekly monthy use?

obviously one would have to be a moronic crap for brains suggesting that smoking pot on a daily basis or drinking alchohol on a daily basis doesn't constitute a problem.

even if it does i dont think there has to be some major trauma or underlying angst to trigger it. addictive personalities have been mentioned - on this thread - or another. no doubt in some cases there are major trauma but not all i dont think.

weekly "contolled" use has been mentioned as a solution. as this is sanctioned by the parents - does this mean its ok - with or without underlying problems. or does this mean there are no underlying problems to be sought as its "controlled"

i think its naive to think that peer pressure and indeed availablity and where you live do not play a maojr factor.

[dizietsma]

"in my experience kids smoke pot becuase its available and their mates do. not because of underlying problems"

That sounds pretty judgemental in the circumstance I'm describing- habitual pot smoking. After all, would you say the same thing about alcoholic kids? As I said, I don't consider occasional pot smoking a serious problem, in much the same way I don't consider occasional alcohol drinking a serious problem.

[nooka]

I think there is a difference between the occasional spliff (even every weekend) and an addiction which affects your life. In the same way as there is a difference between having a bottle of wine (beer or whatever you fancy) every now and then, and regularly getting completely slaughtered, or not being able to get through a day without drinking. The one is about enjoying yourself, and the other is a big problem. Many teenagers have serious problems with alcohol, and I would be worried about that too - the issue is whether it is likely to screw up your life.

[Tortington]

in my experience kids smoke pot becuase its available and their mates do. not because of underlying problems

[nooka]

I think that it is easier to have those conversations if you know that your parents have had, let's say "a wide life experience". Also it's probably less cool to experiment, if your parents have done it all before. Of course with cigarettes, if your parent's smoke you are more likely to, so that's probably true if you are actively using drugs (availability etc). I don't think that coming down heavy is ever an effective way of handling teenagers (but enjoyed all those Brat camps all the same). It's useful to have an idea of what contemporaries are up to, so you know if you can be firm (it's not going to work if everyone else's parent are just not bothered). I quite enjoy a bit of puff every now and then, as do many adults. I would be more worried about the supplier aspect, expecially if you think there might be some predatory behaviour going on. However with the mental health issues, I think you have to be very careful. A neighbour of ours had a severe manic depressive episode, triggered by very heavy use of cannabis, and there is quite good evidence of a link, especially in young men. However I do belive that a weekend joint is probably not going to trigger it (in your position, I might research that). I would (personally) worry more about the smoking aspect, as he could easily end up a smoker - but then I am a rabid anti-smoker who is soft on dope (not sure of the logic, but there you go). Could you talk to him about watching out for signs of depression, addication etc? So not a don't do it or I will throw you out (I think you have to be prepared to follow through on threats), but a if you do it, watch out for this approach ? Maybe you could couch it in a look after your friends type of way? I'm not sure as a parent you can ever make anything uncool - except maybe by getting very stoned yourself, and seriously embarrasing him?

[UCM]

My mother talked me into it. Parents were very victorian and a bit ignorant. I started going out with a 'black man' at 15 and that was it. My mum insisted on our local bobby finding me (she knew him). When he 'found' me at a local party, he humiliatingly bought me home and anounced to my mother 'her red eyes say it all, yes she has been smoking drugs'. Suffice to say, I hadn't. But I bloody well tried it after I was grounded for a month.

My father worked in Saudi for a while and when I was 22 admitted that he had smoked a 'hubba bubba' with dope in at 48 years of age. But, as he put it, was legal. Drinking wasn't!

I am terrified of the moment my son asks me about drugs as I have pretty much tried everything. Tried it - not made it a hobby.

Alcohol is my drug of choice......slurping a liddle glass of wine now

[tigermoth]

I don'tthink you're barmy piffle. FAst forward a few years,I have strong evidence that school dealers are a threat to my son, and there is a bullying/drug link, I would consider sourcing dope too. I'd rather he experimented a bit with dope I had given him than got sucked into a debt/bullying/dope cycle.

[Tortington]

i told my ds that his use could have us evicted. which is true. it didn't work.
i told him i would shop all his druggie mates.
he didn't care.

[piffle]

Right what my mother did with me was
She told me she knew I was using it, and I was, if only once a week with mates before a party (age 15-16)
She said I know you're using it, let me source it for you and you cna smoke it in our house. She said if she ever found out who had been selling it to me (and she had contacts as she smoked herself occasionally) she would report them to the cops.
This freaked me out so much that it actually put me off smoking it....
I have said to my yr 7 ds that if he ever feels tempted to try then I will sort if for him, as it can have side effects and I want him to be safe.
Most mothers I know think my mum and I are barmy though....
But no one in our immediate family has used any drugs since experimenting...

[Nightynight]

diezeitsma, I hope you dont think that I was saying that private schools protect your child from drugs! certainly not - just that they are not all awash with drugs.

[Rhubarb]

Did someone mention private schools?

[dizietsma]

As far as private schools go, I've gotta say that the biggest potheads I know come from both state and private schools. Look at it this way- there's so much more to rebel against in a private school. It's such a classist myth that private schools can protect from drug use. After all, Eton didn't stop Prince Harry from smoking pot, did it?

[CCCC]

Well I've had a nightmare over the past few months because of my DS (15 then now 16). He got caught with cannabis in his coat pocket at school. School rang the police who arrested him, put him in the van and took him to the police station. I got a phone call at work from the police to say he'd been arrested for possession of vegetable matter and would I go to the station whilst they charged him (and conducted a search at my house). He was locked in a cell for a few hours, very upset. I got there and I was put in the cell with him which was a trauma in itself! Who wants to be locked in a cell with their "baby" who's turned into a teenage rebel! All that flashed through my mind was bringing my new baby home from hospital, first day at school etc. DS told lies and said he'd found it on his way to school and was going to give it to his mum when he got home! I got the truth out of him - unbeknown to me he was smoking cannabis quite regularly. As has been said previously, he was given it, wanted more, no money to pay, then threatened with being beaten up. He ended up at court charged with possession and through the youth offenders system. He's now served his "sentence". It's left me feeling a total wreck and failure with my DS. I never, ever thought I would "have the police at my door" and it has left me an emotional wreck. DS has now changed his mates, who he has grown up with and has promised me he'll not smoke cannabis again. His manner has changed - he's not as aggressive and eager to go out anymore (as he was when he was using cannabis). He's more chilled. So - OK - it's something teenage lads do but if they get caught it's not very nice. I think the police should concentrate more on where the teenagers are getting it from. My DS has said the local dealer sells to kids! At 15 he's a kid so God knows how young some are who are using cannabis!

[Nightynight]

in defence of private schools, at the one I went to (all girls) I didnt know anyone who used drugs of any sort apart from tobacco. if a few did, they kept it very quiet.

agree with others, Id emphasise the negative aspects of cannabis rather than fears about heroin addiction. no teenager is going to see themselves as a future heroin addict, however worried their parents may be!

[tigermoth]

Have no experience of this yet with my sons as they are younger, but all my friends who have teenage sons of around 14/15 know their sons have smoked dope at some time. OK, I do not have that many friends with teenage sons, but the ones I know live in very different types of families. I think it's very common.

A while ago, I was talking to one of these friends. I wanted to know how an 11 year old like my son, fiercely anti smoking, not interested in alcohol or drugs, could change in just 2 or 3 years into someone who wanted dope.

My friend told me how school dealers (this was at a grammar school) get the boys indebted to them. A boy buys a small amount of dope as a one off for a party. The dealer befriends them and offers them more for free, but then demands payment, or else. Not taking the offered drugs or not paying for them means the boy risks getting beaten up. There's a stong link at the school between drugs and bullying. I don't know how true this is, of if this could be the case at your son's school, but it could be worth checking out.

[dizietsma]

I agree with most people that it's a positive sign he told you. Again, it is a common drug and I agree that it would be unusual if he hadn't at least experimented. Occasional or experimetal smoking will not worry me when my DD is a teenager, habitual smoking will. Even then, I doubt that I would punish as Custardo has, I would look for reasons why my child has decided to opt out of sober living. It has been my experience that the people I know who smoke pot habitually do so to escape problems. It's my opinion that curing the cause is better than punishing the symptom.

[motheroftwoboys]

There are lots of girls in the crowd at the moment but no-one special, I don't think. School is very, very strict on drugs. Zero tolerance on anyone dealing in school. Someone was expelled last week. anyone found using in or around school is suspended - only dope as far as I am aware nothing stronger has ever been discovered. You lot have helped me keep sane this afternoon - haven't got much/any work done though!!

[Tortington]

also - have found new girlfriend seems to keep him on the straight and narrow as he wants to go out and not be grounded - if thats any use.

[geekgrrl]

it's good that you can talk about it reasonably openly - my parents completely freaked when they found out I was smoking cannabis (I was 17 when they found out I think) and my relationship with them went extremely sour for a long time. They were convinced it was going to be heroin next and apparently sneaked into my room to check my arms for needle marks at night. It got so ridiculous that I asked to be able to go to boarding school to get away from the bad atmosphere at home - all because of a bit of grass.
Anyway, boarding school was completely rife with all sorts of drugs - it was shocking. I'd never seen people use LSD before, and there it was suddenly commonplace. I would keep a good eye on him because independent schools seem to be particularly bad regarding availability of drugs.

[Tortington]

i dont think any reasonable person would disagree with the one off party being stoned scenario - but theres sommat not right when they are doing it regularly or in their room. IMO

[sharry]

Well like custardo, we've been having difficulty with our son smoking skunk. He has has lost two jobs, now unemployed won't sign on i believe him to be supplying. The child/son I had has gone. I am left with an aggressive argumentative paranoid sob. We will not tolerate drug use in our house and he has restricted out time he has to be in each evening at 10.30 week day and 11.30 weekends. We have been in touch with the police liaison officer but all too little avail, even told them suppliers name. As he lives in our house he has to respect our views, and likewise we respect his, that's why he is looking for somewhere else to live. I found parent line the most helpful.

[Tortington]

she may get all " johnnie can't go out with hes a druggie keep away"
or
maybe you can keeps tabs on them both together without them knowing