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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

WW your teen do?

75 replies

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 18:56

So, my dp has decided to clear his DD's room at our house out. She spends half her time here so it is her home. We encourage this.

He is an incredibly tidy person and his motto is 'if it doesnt have a direct use, bin it'

He is always saying DSds room is untidy, which it can be. She doesnt fold (more rolls and shoves) her clothes and she likes to kind of display her things rather than put them in drawers as well. I usually shut the door so it can't be seen but she likes the door left open, I think to let the air through.

Anyway, he has taken the pictures (about 4 greetings cards that she has received and likes) from the walls, thrown heaps of her clothes out which are to be fair a bit random and she doesnt often wear. And he has thrown out some jewellery that she doesnt wear, a blanket, some old make up, some magasines.

Now, I know the stuff doesnt have a use. And we have his family coming to stay and use the room in a week or so so I think that is what has prompted the clear out.

But... out of interest... what would your teen's reaction to this be...? I havent been asked my opinion so I'm not going to give it - his child, his business... however, looking back on my own teenage years I reckon I would have had a bag packed and be camping out on a friend's floor composing angry poems about my dad for less than that?

OP posts:

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 18:57

Oops, she's 12. But literally going on 16.

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 19/04/2011 18:57

Huge invasion of privacy and tbh you cannot just say that this is dp's fault. You allowed him to do it, so expect her to be peed off at you too

seeker · 19/04/2011 18:58

Mine would, quite justifiably go ballistic. He is entirely - but entirely doing the wrong thing. He has no right at all to throw her things away.

Shoesytwoesy · 19/04/2011 18:58

well if I was you I would go out when she finds out as she will be rather angry(don't blame her)

fattgitttfedupandwantstosleep · 19/04/2011 18:59

I know my parents would never have done that to me, and i would never do it to my kids. I might go in there and have a moan, rant, yell. I might even pick up dirty socks underwear, dishes broken bits of plastic when at the end of my tether, but, i would never throw away anything that wasnt very obviously rubbish, and never when he wasnt around.
I think you dh is being incredibly out of order, and wouldnt be surprised if your dsd never came to visit again.

seeker · 19/04/2011 18:59

I would retrieve the thrown away items and stand up for her.

TortoiseVEasterBunny · 19/04/2011 18:59

I would never chuck anything out without checking but then I wouldn't go through my 14 yr olds room.

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 19:03

Thanks all, more opinions welcome. I actually wasn't about when he did it. I was out with my DD then spotted it all in the bin when I took something out this morning.
I have retreived the bag of clothes which has been put by for the clothes recycling bin and neatly folded most of it and put it at the back of one of her cupboards.

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usualsuspect · 19/04/2011 19:05

He is very wrong to do this ..my teen would go bloody mad

oxocube · 19/04/2011 19:08

I think this is rotten. I have a 13 year old who would be very upset if I chucked out her stuff which is junk to me but precious to her. Her ticket for her first ever rock concert may have no use; the cheap earrings she bought with a friend on holiday may rarely be worn but she has fun memories of chosing them. If your DH has said that your home is his daughter's home then he is SO out of order going through her things.

Very, very unfair and unkind IMO and the kind of thing which will no doubt lead to a stupid and unnecessary row

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 19:10

It's difficult as I have never disagreed with his parenting before. I don't feel like I want to tell him how to parent his own daughter. I can just see trouble ahead. I wondered if it was just me being a fiestly old bitch and knowing that I would have gone ballistic when I was a teen but it seems the general feeling is that most teens would feel the same.
He has meant well, he's not a cruel person in the slightest. Bad error of judgement... am I a wuss to be out when she comes home?

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oxocube · 19/04/2011 19:12

I can never understand it when I hear about parents doing stuff like this. Can't they remember being a teenager?

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 19:13

I think you need to be the voice of reason at a family discussion. if he treats her like this he will destroy the relationship between them.
To have done a sweep of her room was bad enough without having given her fair warning of exactly what was going to happen if she didn't tidy.
To have actually disposed of her possessions is unbelievable, especially when she wasn't even there.
I'd have warned her specifically, and if she'd done nothing I'd have collected the random bits lying around on the floor (but nothing from inside cupboards and wardrobes) and put them in a bag. To give to her when she came back.
Does he love her?
To take down cards from the wall and throw away clothing, jewellery and the rest is deeply hurtful and unkind.
WWMTD? Both of my teens would have been disbelieving and stunned that I could have been so inconsiderate. And they have their own rooms in their own home with both birth parents. DD is at Uni, when she comes home her room is as she left it, she's still a member of this family and always will be.

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 19:13

Hmm not sure. Are boys as concerned with this kind of thing?

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FolornHope · 19/04/2011 19:14

id have gone nuts

he is well out of order

juuule · 19/04/2011 19:14

"Are boys as concerned with this kind of thing?"

Mine certainly are.

usualsuspect · 19/04/2011 19:17

My boy would be

I would never chuck anything away without his permission from his tip bedroom

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 19:17

That is what's weird. He does love her. He's a really considerate person... it is most odd.
There was nothing on the floor goblinchild it was all stuff in chest of drawers, or on shelves.

The blanket was on her bed....

Ok, so next question. How do I be voice of reason without undermining him? His DD and her mother are often in 'cahoots' and ganging up onhim, I'd hate for him to feel like that was happening here, I also beleive (having been brought up in a house where mum and dad never agreed on how I shouldbe raised) that parents should display a united front.

But on this occassion, I would be on her side

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Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 19:19

My boy has AS. His possessions are catalogues, filed, ordered and located in specific places. his room is layered with stuff, all of which he knows and remembers and needs.
If I did that to him, his meltdown would trash the rest of the house and most of the doors.

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 19:21

'catalogued'
He doesn't have catalogues.
boxes, containers, drawers, bookcases, ornaments, pictures, photos..

FattyAcid · 19/04/2011 19:22

Horrible behaviour from your dp guaranteed to create emotional problems for his child.
At the very least he could let her go through a bag of stuff before disposing of it. Presumably he had previously asked his dd to clear up her room and told her he would do it for her if she didn't? Sounds like he either doesn't like let alone love his child or else has the emotional awareness of an inanimate object.

He may as well have permanently let her room to a lodger without telling her.
I feel extremely sorry for his dd. If she doesn't have problems already she will now. I fear for you OP and your children.

FattyAcid · 19/04/2011 19:23

Well if you love your dp you need to tackle this with him on his own before his dd sees the room.

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 19:25

If she didn't leave the room a tip, not full of crap on the floor and mouldy dishes, I'm not sure why he decided to flip.
He needs to use warnings first and be prepared to negotiate.
If his DD and ex gang up on him, he's just given them semtex and a detonator.
Does the DD love him and want a relationship?
Why do you think he did it? What was the trigger?
Still inexcusable, but you need to find the 'why'

WoTmania · 19/04/2011 19:27

I don't have teens but my mum used to do this every so often when I was in my teens. I cannot emphasise enough how much I hated it.
He really is out of line and if he was that desperate to get the room tidy should at least have involved her in the process and gonet hrough the stuff with her.

FattyAcid · 19/04/2011 19:27

Your dp sounds frankly insane to me - I cannot believe this thread that poor poor child

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