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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

WW your teen do?

75 replies

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 18:56

So, my dp has decided to clear his DD's room at our house out. She spends half her time here so it is her home. We encourage this.

He is an incredibly tidy person and his motto is 'if it doesnt have a direct use, bin it'

He is always saying DSds room is untidy, which it can be. She doesnt fold (more rolls and shoves) her clothes and she likes to kind of display her things rather than put them in drawers as well. I usually shut the door so it can't be seen but she likes the door left open, I think to let the air through.

Anyway, he has taken the pictures (about 4 greetings cards that she has received and likes) from the walls, thrown heaps of her clothes out which are to be fair a bit random and she doesnt often wear. And he has thrown out some jewellery that she doesnt wear, a blanket, some old make up, some magasines.

Now, I know the stuff doesnt have a use. And we have his family coming to stay and use the room in a week or so so I think that is what has prompted the clear out.

But... out of interest... what would your teen's reaction to this be...? I havent been asked my opinion so I'm not going to give it - his child, his business... however, looking back on my own teenage years I reckon I would have had a bag packed and be camping out on a friend's floor composing angry poems about my dad for less than that?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 19/04/2011 19:31

Of course boys would be equally upset-you can't treat them with such a lack of respect.

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 19:42

Do you have teenage sons OP?
Or any sons?
Why do you think they'd be less worried, because they don't always scream and wail and emote like a girlie?
They can still be as hurt by thoughtless actions. Your DP is a fool to throw away a relationship like that.

Original poster
tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 19:43

I was asking the boy question as I thought it might explain why he doesnt understand what she will feel like.

I'm really confused. I feel terrible for talking about it on here to be honest.

He has been very wound up by her mum recently (as have I) maybe this is how it has manifested..? weird.

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Original poster
tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 19:44

I have no experience of boys i'm afraid.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 19/04/2011 19:47

I have boys-they would be upset.

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 19:47

'He has been very wound up by her mum recently (as have I) maybe this is how it has manifested..?'

That makes sense to me. He needs to release his frustrations in better ways, my OH goes running when the stress is high. Targeting his own daughter's possessions is not a good choice. What can she do? She's powerless and defenceless. Unless she shuts him out.

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 19:49

'I'm really confused. I feel terrible for talking about it on here to be honest. '

You are not being disloyal, and I assume you are anonymous. Asking for other opinions helps a person see beyond their own experience and understanding.

PercyPigPie · 19/04/2011 19:54

I go around and sort out stuff for our 9, 7 and 4 year old to go to charity, but now DC1 is nearly 10, the age has come that this isn't really appropriate. It is fine with tiny ones as you know what they don't play with, and if you asked them, they'd never say get rid of it (and obviously you do need to get rid of some stuff)

It would have been far better if he had taken the time with her to sort out some stuff and gone through all her things saying 'do you really need this?'. I did this recently with DC1 and it surprising the things they like to keep.

claricebeansmum · 19/04/2011 19:55

IME to teens their bedroom is their world. All their crap possessions are their wordly goods who define who they are at a time when they are not always sure who they are.

It is maddening to find their rooms a complete tip and their insistence on hanging on to junk and minging bits of clothing, scraps of paper but I do find your DP behavior unacceptable. In our house the summer clean out is done together but I wouldn't dream of throwing away somebody elses stuff without consulting them. Choose your fights carefully with teens - this one just isn't worth it.

albania · 19/04/2011 20:02

He's thrown away jewellery, things off her wall that were obviously important enough to keep...
DD1 would probably give me a slap if I threw away anything precious to her.
I wouldn't blame her, tbh
DD2 would have a screaming fit and cry.

asdx2 · 19/04/2011 20:04

I think it is incredibly cruel, my dd would be devastated and I think it would cause serious harm to the relationship between her and her father. Dd's room is far more untidy than you describe but it is her room and her choice as to what she keeps and how she keeps it.
It sounds like dh is punishing dd because he feels got at by her mother which is really nasty and I would be pulling him up on it tbh. If he is unable to deal with her mother then he should be building up his relationship with his daughter so that contact with her mother is less necessary.
Instead in one fell swoop he has betrayed his dd and given her mother even more ammunition with which to castigate him and justifiably so IMO.

TheCrackFox · 19/04/2011 20:07

No, no, no, no, no. This is terrible.

When DS1's (nearly 10) room gets unbearable we have a clear out together.

I would be upset with someone doing this to me and I am kicking the arse of 40.

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 20:09

'It's difficult as I have never disagreed with his parenting before. I don't feel like I want to tell him how to parent his own daughter'

Sometimes in a partnership, that's exactly what you have to do if you love him and have any feelings at all for his daughter.

mumblechum1 · 19/04/2011 20:10

DS (16) would also go ballistic. Massive infringement of his personal space.

willowstar · 19/04/2011 20:15

the fact that you never normallly question him and support his is exactly why you objecting now should have some impact on him...he should get the message that it really is out of order. good luck, I think you should retrieve what you can and talk to him before she comes home.

Original poster
tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 21:03

Thanks.

I have retreived a lot of the clothes but the other stuff is under a load of other crap in the bin. I don't know where the greetings cards are... could be put away somewhere.

OK, I'm going to say something. I think he'll be quite upset because there is really nothing he can do now. I didnt realise how much had gone until I found it in the bin today but when I saw him in there at all I said she was going to freak out and why didnt he ask her first, he said it was because it was her birthday at the weekend and so he didnt want to argue. Yet we don't have much time until we have guests so it needed to be done. SO he knows I think she'll freak, but didnt ask for my opinion so as I say - i didn't give it - what can be done now... I'm dreading what will ensue when she gets home... her mother will be on the phone ranting I'm sure and the most annoying thing is that for the first time in 4 years IMO she will be right!!!! NOOOOOOO worse nightmare Angry

But yes, i'll try to diffuse it slightly before it happens...

Thinking about it, I would do this in my DD's room, she's 5. So are we saying it would be ok if it is a small child? Maybe he has momentarily forgotten she is growing up...?

OP posts:
Maryz · 19/04/2011 21:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 21:09

Even with a small child, I'd think carefully before selecting outgrown clothing and toys. I used to do a toy clear out every now and then, but I'd put the bag in the garage for a month to see if anything was missed.
Same with clothes that were outgrown, you'd make a point of saying how they were growing up and take them to buy something new before dumping loved items.
I think you are right to say something, what he's done is a Very Big Deal even if he doesn't see it that way.
Or of course we could be completely wrong and his DD may shrug and make a long birthday list of new stuff.

FattyAcid · 19/04/2011 21:12

Not ok to bin a 5 year olds posessions without her knowledge either. Don't understand why your child cannot be involved in decision makng.

Original poster
tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 21:20

I think that last bit would be wishful thinking goblinchild!

When I say I'd do it to 5 year old, I usually box up old toys and ask her if she minds her cousin having htem as she's getting a big girl. Clothes I will throw away without saying as she'snot that attached to clothes. I wouldnt throw stuff away though (I suppose the equivalent of the jewellery and smellies)

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Original poster
tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 21:27

Oh god now i'm crying ffs. There is so much back story about her mother making her insecure.. I thought this home offered her the consistency and stability she needed.

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usualsuspect · 19/04/2011 21:28

aww don't cry ..just be on her side

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 21:30

Then you need to talk to him. You obviously care about the child, so who better to put her case and explain why what he did was so damaging?
No FFS about it, your tears make me more sure that you are the only person for the job. Smile
Parenting is very tough sometimes, and this is one of those times.

Original poster
tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 21:32

sniff... I don't know if its the teenage thing or the step thing but it's riddled with dilemmas!

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Original poster
tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 21:35

thanks.. wish me luck

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