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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

WW your teen do?

75 replies

tvoffnowplease · 19/04/2011 18:56

So, my dp has decided to clear his DD's room at our house out. She spends half her time here so it is her home. We encourage this.

He is an incredibly tidy person and his motto is 'if it doesnt have a direct use, bin it'

He is always saying DSds room is untidy, which it can be. She doesnt fold (more rolls and shoves) her clothes and she likes to kind of display her things rather than put them in drawers as well. I usually shut the door so it can't be seen but she likes the door left open, I think to let the air through.

Anyway, he has taken the pictures (about 4 greetings cards that she has received and likes) from the walls, thrown heaps of her clothes out which are to be fair a bit random and she doesnt often wear. And he has thrown out some jewellery that she doesnt wear, a blanket, some old make up, some magasines.

Now, I know the stuff doesnt have a use. And we have his family coming to stay and use the room in a week or so so I think that is what has prompted the clear out.

But... out of interest... what would your teen's reaction to this be...? I havent been asked my opinion so I'm not going to give it - his child, his business... however, looking back on my own teenage years I reckon I would have had a bag packed and be camping out on a friend's floor composing angry poems about my dad for less than that?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 19/04/2011 21:43

Luck!

Maryz · 19/04/2011 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cory · 20/04/2011 08:44

It's not just a teen thing- I'd go ballistic if my mum came over here and started ripping my pictures off the walls!

In fact, I'll go ballistic if she even comments on my personal taste in pictures.

Teens aren't some weird alien species - they just have very similar ideas about personal space to adults. And how many adults would put up with somebody else going through their personal items and deciding what has a use and what hasn't?

Your dh must immediately be told that he cannot treat a child of 10 or over the way he could treat a toddler. He needs to think about how he would like to be treated.

1saidNO · 20/04/2011 08:48

Is anyone else :( that the clothes & blanket were just thrown in the bin, everything is suitable for textile recycling.
I do selective hidden culling of DC's stuff, and maybe will until their teens. But only items I know they won't miss. Most people keep certain things just because of sentimental value. She won't learn for herself to cull her own things if she doesn't live in their clutter for a while, either.

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 20/04/2011 09:16

1saidNO It was put out for recycling hence I was able to save most of the clothes & blanket.

On reflection, I think it is a number of things. Firstly, he doesnt give 'things' any emotional value. He will happily throw away all cards from me and the kids, he sells clothes on ebay once theyre a few months old. He does however love records and CDs.. although saying that, if he hasn't listended to one in a while it gets sold.

Also, his daughter is not self sufficient at all. She has been very babied by her mother. He and I try to counteract that where ever we can by giving her repsonsibility.

I think this is partly applying his own feelings towards inanimate objects to his daughter's room and not seeing that she may not feel like tha. And also forgetting that she is growing up on account of the fact that whilst she is in some ways (hence 'going on 16') in many ways she isnt at all.

I think it was a very bad error of judgement rather than an act of cruelty but I am really pleased the views on here are unanimous as it confirms for me that if/when she kicks off, I can support her - safe in the knowledge that all teenagers would!

I didnt get chance ast nght but will discuss with hm tonight.

OP posts:

ScaredOfCows · 20/04/2011 09:45

I think you should retreive and wash/clean as much as you can out of the bin, then put it in a bag for her to sort through. If you can rescue a decent amount of it, she might not notice the other stuff has gone missing.

I guess you have already spoken to him about this, and you could point out that you have retreived stuff for the sake of his relationship with her, not to undermine him.

My teenagers would be furious. My Mum used to regularly go through my stuff as a teenager and I absolutely hated it. I used to carry stuff that was precious or private around with me in a bag all day every day, just to keep it from her.

ScaredOfCows · 20/04/2011 09:47

X-posts - hope the talk tonight goes well.

confuseddotcodotuk · 20/04/2011 10:20

That's awful. If he had put everything in a black bag or boxes and put them in the attic for her to sort when she was home then that'd be more reasonable, but actually binning them?! And also, the lack of her privacy for her own things will be upsetting for her.

If it was me, and my Dad had thrown out my greetings cards which I too used to pin on the walls I'd have been devestated. I still have most of my birthday cards and a lot of my Christmas cards from a very young age and I love looking through them still!

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 20/04/2011 19:13

Thanks. I don't know that he binned the cards, only that he took them from the wall.

Lookingback on my teenage bedroom, it was always clean but I had an entire double wardrobe covered in photos!! makes DSD's roon look like a showroom!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 20/04/2011 19:27

Just adding another voice to the ever growing pile of "your DP is an idiot" opinions. That poor girl. I'd be getting DP to go through the bin tbh. What he has done, let's make it clear, is nothing short of vile and intrusive. A massive invasion of privacy. He sounds an absolute disgrace. This makes my blood boil.

cat64 · 20/04/2011 19:41

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Message withdrawn

everyspring · 20/04/2011 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ensure · 20/04/2011 20:07

Gosh I hope you can rescue most of the stuff from the bin! Your poor SDD.

bigTillyMint · 20/04/2011 20:10

my DD(nearly 12) would go mental if DH did this to her - luckily no chance as he is not naturally a tidyer! She is so lucky to have you - make sure she knows that you have managed to save some stuff from the bin. WTF was he thinking? He could just have put in the loft or something if he needed the room to be empty.

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 20/04/2011 20:16

I know.

OP posts:

MirandaGoshawk · 20/04/2011 20:23

Had he given her plenty of warning about needing the room tidied? Asked her to throw away her junk?

If not, and he just decided to take it into his head to have a clear out, he was well out of order. It's supposed to be her stuff, her room, her own space... how would he feel if someone chucked away a load of his stuff without telling him?

If I were his DD I would never feel that I could trust him again.

Can you retrieve her things/shove them in the garage & ask her to go through them herself?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 20/04/2011 20:34

My DH still freaks out at the thought of people throwing his stuff away because his mother did this to him when he was away at school as a child

quirrelquarrel · 23/04/2011 18:47

I had a great time decorating my room and it has loads of posters, pictures, my artwork etc in it- I know this is weird, but I have rather a volatile relationship with my parents and I have nightmares about them coming to rip all the stuff off the walls- easy to analyse, and I think your DD will see it that way too. I wouldn't be livid or screaming, but I'd probably see "home" as "house" in future, I'd be really upset. I too have AS and I've had mini-meltdowns when my mum wanted to move the wardrobe two inches. Obviously I don't know if your daughter is so attached to where things are and her stuff etc, but it's the principle of it, that it's her bedroom. Already if she only spends half her time there, it's not that constant (no offence). So if this happens, how's she going to feel now?
Loads of her clothes? Gosh.

BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 19:06

I think you need to talk to DP and get him to understand first, even if it does upset him, sorry. Otherwise it's just going to be him as the evil one and you as the nice one. He should come clean before she sees the room, apologise and explain that he didn't mean to upset her but that he later realised that going through her stuff without her was a mistake. He also needs to make an agreement with her about what will happen in the future if someone needs to use the room or about the general state of it. And then perhaps he could offer to take her shopping (or maybe you and her could do the shopping!) for a new poster, or let her paint the room in a colour she wants, or some new clothes/jewellery, just to reiterate the point that he does value her space and the way she wants to decorate it.

Even if it genuinely didn't occur to him that this stuff might have sentimental value, it would be a good thing for him to be able to have chats like this with his DD as if she feels listened to, she's much more likely to trust him and be able to open up to you both over the next few turbulent years.

BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 19:08

And meant to add - would he throw your stuff out without asking you? Because if not then it probably is more that he just still sees her as a child, rather than not thinking about sentimental value.

Original poster

tvoffnowplease · 23/04/2011 21:21

God no, he wouldnt dare throw my stuff away!! So, update. I did talk to him. He didnt really see the big deal... she came home and flipped and went straight to his room and took all his clothes out of the wardrobe and started throwing them around saying 'how do you like it?!' he was cross at first then some talks ensued... and they've got it all sorted out. I think he understands a lot more now, and she accepts that there are standards of clean and tidiness to be followed [phew]

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 23/04/2011 21:34

I'm glad they sorted it out :)

ivykaty44 · 23/04/2011 21:36

I wonder how your dp would feel if I came along and chucked some of his stuff away in the bin I didn't like? Would he mind? Or would he be very angry?

Beamur · 23/04/2011 21:43

Looks like your DSD made her feelings clear and maybe your DP will think twice about doing this in future!
I would, and do, tidy up my DSD room (and DSS too) but would not remove anything that wasn't rubbish. I used to sort out clothes and leave the ones I thought they didn't wear/didn't fit any more in a pile and ask them if they wanted to add anything/take anything back before it was recycled/charity shopped. They are both 16+ now, so I don't sort their clothes myself, but will occasionally ask if they want to sort out any unwanted items.

We're looking at a spot of redecorating of bedrooms over the next few months which will be a good time to let them discard any unwanted items.

proudfoot · 24/04/2011 10:37

Poor girl - I would be furious in her position and your DP sounds like he needs to work on understanding other people's feelings.

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