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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenager Daughter and boyfriend. Am I over-reacting or not?

65 replies

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:14

Okay, this might be a bit long but I like to provide detailed information and hope that some of you bear with me as I could really use some good advice. Here goes. My Daughter has recently turned 15 and also quite recently aqcuired her first boyfriend. He's recently turned 15 too and they've been seeing each other for about 9 weeks. He's a lovely lad and myself and my Husband and our two (younger than Daughter) Sons really like him. The issue that I've got is that I feel that the relationship has been moving too quickly, is too intense and is quite 'adult' in nature. As I've used that term, I must point out that they haven't had sex, at least I don't think they have, I've asked my Daughter and she's said they haven't and I believe her. What I mean by 'quite adult in nature' is that there has been a lot of snogging going on and the odd bit of groping too and there have been a couple of exchanges of love bites which I'm really not impressed by. A few weeks ago my Daughter came home with a sizeable love bite and before I had chance to react she explained to me that she and the boyfriend were 'experimenting' with them to see what it felt like but she didn't like it and didn't want to do it again. I accepted this and told her my feelings on them which are that I really don't like seeing her with one and they just look trashy. Yesterday I noticed that her boyfriend has a love bite. I asked my Daughter about it and said that I thought after the 'experimental' thing that they weren't going to do that again. She was very blase about it and replied "just because I don't like them doesn't mean he doesn't." I re-iterated how I felt about seeing that on either of them and said that she shouldn't be doing that. She just said a limp 'sorry'. I didn't want to get into a heated discussion with her as she's left for a school trip early this morning and will be away a few days and I didn't want to fall out with her before she goes away.

Because of the speed at which the relationship is progressing and the intensity of it I have put a few boundaries in place and laid down a few rules. I've told her that I don't want her to see her boyfriend more than 3 weekdays after school and I want one weekend day where she's with us and doesn't see him at all. She reluctantly agreed to this but occasionally flouts it by arranging for him to come over without consulting us on days that she's not supposed to be seeing him. Another condition I've set is that I don't want her and the boyfriend to be in the house alone together. I can control that at our house but I know I can't control it if she goes to his house.

The upshot is I suppose, that I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of her having a boyfriend at all as I think she's too young still, although I'd be less concerned if the relationship weren't so 'serious', if it were all more holding hands and sweet and innocent 'kiddy boyfriendy girlfriendy' sort of thing. I am trying to get my head around it but when I see love bites and things like that it just freaks me out a bit. I also feel that she adheres to my rules and boundaries for a bit, just to appease me, then she goes and does what she wants anyway. This has happened a few times. I've asked my Mum for advice, she thinks I should talk to the boyfriend about how I feel but I just find the idea of doing that really awkward and I don't want to cause any bad feeling between us. I have considered contacting his Mother and asking her to meet with me for a chat about things.

This lad has had girlfreinds before but my Daughter hasn't had a boyfriend before so this is all new to us. I also feel that to some extent she's got an example to set to her two younger brothers and displaying love bites on either herself or her boyfriend and asking to stay the night at his house, which she did at the weekend, we said no, isn't the way to go about setting a good example.

So what do I do? Take no action as such at this stage but continue to observe the situation and stand by my rules and boundaries? Or have a talk to his Mother, tell her how I feel? This is really all new territory for me, I'm a bit bewildered by it and am unfortunately getting very little support or back-up or even opinion really, from my Husband so would be interested to hear how other people felt about their Daughter's first boyfriend and how they handled things.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:

TheVisitor · 28/03/2011 15:18

I think you need to accept that there will be snogging and groping at this age. Talk to her about self respect, not being pressured etc, but also make sure she's well informed with regard to contraception and where to get it. If a teenager wants to have sex, you're (sadly) not going to be able to stop them. You need to make sure that she keeps talking to you, and if you don't want her to do something, explain fully exactly why. They're not going to have a 'kiddy' relationship as they're not 'kiddies' anymore, but on the cusp of adulthood.

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2011 15:19

Firstly - your 'rules' - I think you can decide what time you want her in but it is unfair to dictate how much time she spends with him.

Love bites - her body/his body - butt out entirely, it's not your body and your 'morality' about 'trashy' is disrespectful.

Talk to her about sex, don't ask her if she's done it. It's a difficult line to tread with this as she is obviously close to the age of consent and you want to be available for her emotionally and supportive of her right to choose what to do with her own body - and help her to protect herself against pregnancy/std's.

I'm afraid that I don't agree that she is too young to have a boyfriend - I think she sounds great and that you're going to have to learn to trust her - and to trust yourself and your husband that you have raised a good kid.

MitchiestInge · 28/03/2011 15:21

is 'still haven't shagged' over two months really fast paced then?

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:23

Thanks TheVisitor. I should have said in my opening post - but it was so long already! - I have talked to her extensively about not being pressured into anything - or even feeling pressured - and she's said that she's got no intention of doing anything she doesn't want to, which is good to hear, but I know how easy it is to get carried away... Yes, I know they are going to snog and grope and I know that's quite normal and I am on my way to accepting it! I guess I'm being a bit idealistic about not wanting her to have quite a 'grown-up' relationship. I will definitely keep the lines of communication open.

OP posts:

MitchiestInge · 28/03/2011 15:24

why don't you want her to have a grown up relationship?

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:29

I know there will be replies from people who are more liberal than me, but for the record, I don't think that having quite high morals about seeing love bites on my Daughter - or her boyfriend - is disrespectful. She is a great kid and I know things could be worse. I set the rules about how often I want her seeing him because in the first few weeks of the relationship they were together all the time and it just got a bit too much, he was at our house all the time, it was like having a lodger, and the more sensitive of my Sons got a bit upset at seeing his Sister kissing and cuddling a boy. She spends a fair amout of time at his house too or out with him and my Sons are feeling that they don't see her much any more and are feeling a bit pushed out. I think I've just been trying to do the right thing by everybody.

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:31

I just feel she's too young for a grown-up relationship, MitchiestInge. There's plenty of time for all that. Perhaps I'm old-fashioned?

OP posts:

MitchiestInge · 28/03/2011 15:34

It does feel a bit weird when they suddenly grow up, and the whole sex thing is just so fraught with potential for heartbreak - that's what I remember most about my eldest daughter being 15. Actually she was a couple of years older before she first had sex and it was disastrous and devastating for her when the relationship ended soon after. That I found difficult, otherwise it was all quite exciting.

MitchiestInge · 28/03/2011 15:35

I think you are old enough when you feel old enough, unless someone much much older is pressuring you?

LaurieFairyCake · 28/03/2011 15:35

Why did one of your sons get upset at seeing her kissing and cuddling? I don't understand.

I loathe lovebites so I understand your feelings - however I'm trying to point out to you that you will have to learn to separate what's yours and your feelings from hers and her feelings - she likes giving her boyfriend lovebites and he likes receiving them. It is their bodies - try to be less disapproving of the experimentation.

Separating from children and realising they are becoming autonomous is really difficult and I have every sympathy with you.

I think your post about how she won't do anything she doesn't want to do should cheer you - if she sexually experiments it will at least be within a consensual, respectful relationship.

TheVisitor · 28/03/2011 15:38

I do agree about the love bites and she'll grow out of that. I think you insisting that she's not with him all the time is actually a good thing, as she'll see other friends and not lose touch with them. As for her little brothers, well, she'll not want to be spending much time with them at her age. I didn't want my little sister anywhere near me, as she was SO embarrassing (not really, just not cool). What she's having isn't a grown up relationship. She's learning about relationships and this is an intense teen one that will eventually fizzle out or she'll be with the same lad for a long time. If it's the former, then there'll be another boy pretty soon after.

ShirleyKnot · 28/03/2011 15:39

I think you're going to have to be very careful about not pushing your DD further into this relationship! I know that at 15 if I had been told that I had to spend one weekend day at home with my family I would have gone all "Romeo & Juliet"

Magicjamas · 28/03/2011 15:41

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expatinscotland · 28/03/2011 15:42

You've had some good advice here. I think you are over-reacting.

It's unrealistic to expect a 'kiddy' relationship of hand-holding of 15-year-olds.

I'd also scotch meeting his mother for a chat.

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:42

One of my Sons is very emotional and sensitive, LauryFairycake, I think he just feels sometimes that he's 'losing' his Sister, and I'm sure that's quite a normal feeling, he's only 12 and not a particularly mature 12 either. I accept your stance on love bites, I know everyone's going to have their own opinons about them. I talked to my Mum about the couple that have been given/received between my Daughter and her boyfriend and Mum was very about it which maybe makes me feel that I'm right in feeling/reacting how I did. Then again, Mum is 73 so she's bound to have a reaction!

OP posts:

Magicjamas · 28/03/2011 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 28/03/2011 15:45

'She is 15, she is an adult in less than 3 years, '

Legally, she'll be an adult in many ways in one year (or less, depending on when she turns 16).

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:45

I agree, the advice has been interesting, it's what I needed, some differing opinions. I don't really know anyone that has a teenage girl well enough that I could get together for a chat with, most of my friends or Mums I know have boys or younger girls. Thanks all.

OP posts:

MitchiestInge · 28/03/2011 15:46

One of my Sons is very emotional and sensitive, LauryFairycake, I think he just feels sometimes that he's 'losing' his Sister, and I'm sure that's quite a normal feeling

I think you feel you are 'losing' your little girl.

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:47

She's only just turned 15. Just over a month ago

OP posts:

Original poster

MummyPenguin · 28/03/2011 15:48

That too, Mitchie, but quite normal too, no? The Son in question has had a problem with it, you'd have to know him personally to understand.

OP posts:

glamgrandma · 28/03/2011 15:49

Hi,

I empathise totally but sadly I think we have to give our kids some space and be there to catch them if/when their first love ends...
I think communication is the most important thing - sounds like you are doing a great job, but I agree with others don't be too disapproving if you want her to come and talk to you about it all..
I think that it is good to talk to her about what is appropriate behaviour in front of other people, especially younger children.
I have had to accept that my daughters have parts of their personal lives that are private - as parts of my personal life is private from them, its all part of the transition to adulthood..I found it tough at first but I know they talk to me about the big stuff - and often details I would be happy not to know...
In summary as long as she is well educated you just have to trust her...and rejoice that she is growing up well

MitchiestInge · 28/03/2011 15:50

yes yes totally normal but not to be indulged I think!

TotorosOcarina · 28/03/2011 15:53

Hmm,

I had my first boyfriend at 15, hes my husband now.

We had an intense relationship from the go and his mum laid down alot of rules like you did (only going round certain days etc) the result of this was on his 16th birthday he moved in with us at my house.

My mum was relaxed and could see that we were really in love (we were an exception to the rule at 15 though and i DO undertand this!)

but you can't expect them not to snog and things, thats part of a relationship and at 15 its completely normal I think.

I can understand the 'love bite' thing ... i've never liked them but some people do and like your DD said, its up to her if she gives him one.

nearlyuptheduff · 28/03/2011 15:53

I was in a situation like this when I was 15/16.

My parents nipped my head constantly about it. To the point where I used to skive off school and take him round to my house and get up to all sorts of bad things!

My parents told me we were not allowed in my bedroom and not allowed in the house while they weren't there. What actually happened was that I ended up pregnant at 16 and had an abortion.

That was a long time ago but I do feel strongly that if my parents had been open and discussed their feelings with me instead of dictating rules things might have turned out differently. i may not have gone behind their backs and ended up in a mess.

I think talking to your daughter in an adult way is the best way forward. Explain the consequences and that you don't want her to get into any trouble. Also, let her know that you are there if she needs your help.

Good luck!

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