Teenager Daughter and boyfriend. Am I over-reacting or not?

[MummyPenguin]

Okay, this might be a bit long but I like to provide detailed information and hope that some of you bear with me as I could really use some good advice. Here goes. My Daughter has recently turned 15 and also quite recently aqcuired her first boyfriend. He's recently turned 15 too and they've been seeing each other for about 9 weeks. He's a lovely lad and myself and my Husband and our two (younger than Daughter) Sons really like him. The issue that I've got is that I feel that the relationship has been moving too quickly, is too intense and is quite 'adult' in nature. As I've used that term, I must point out that they haven't had sex, at least I don't think they have, I've asked my Daughter and she's said they haven't and I believe her. What I mean by 'quite adult in nature' is that there has been a lot of snogging going on and the odd bit of groping too and there have been a couple of exchanges of love bites which I'm really not impressed by. A few weeks ago my Daughter came home with a sizeable love bite and before I had chance to react she explained to me that she and the boyfriend were 'experimenting' with them to see what it felt like but she didn't like it and didn't want to do it again. I accepted this and told her my feelings on them which are that I really don't like seeing her with one and they just look trashy. Yesterday I noticed that her boyfriend has a love bite. I asked my Daughter about it and said that I thought after the 'experimental' thing that they weren't going to do that again. She was very blase about it and replied "just because I don't like them doesn't mean he doesn't." I re-iterated how I felt about seeing that on either of them and said that she shouldn't be doing that. She just said a limp 'sorry'. I didn't want to get into a heated discussion with her as she's left for a school trip early this morning and will be away a few days and I didn't want to fall out with her before she goes away.

Because of the speed at which the relationship is progressing and the intensity of it I have put a few boundaries in place and laid down a few rules. I've told her that I don't want her to see her boyfriend more than 3 weekdays after school and I want one weekend day where she's with us and doesn't see him at all. She reluctantly agreed to this but occasionally flouts it by arranging for him to come over without consulting us on days that she's not supposed to be seeing him. Another condition I've set is that I don't want her and the boyfriend to be in the house alone together. I can control that at our house but I know I can't control it if she goes to his house.

The upshot is I suppose, that I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of her having a boyfriend at all as I think she's too young still, although I'd be less concerned if the relationship weren't so 'serious', if it were all more holding hands and sweet and innocent 'kiddy boyfriendy girlfriendy' sort of thing. I am trying to get my head around it but when I see love bites and things like that it just freaks me out a bit. I also feel that she adheres to my rules and boundaries for a bit, just to appease me, then she goes and does what she wants anyway. This has happened a few times. I've asked my Mum for advice, she thinks I should talk to the boyfriend about how I feel but I just find the idea of doing that really awkward and I don't want to cause any bad feeling between us. I have considered contacting his Mother and asking her to meet with me for a chat about things.

This lad has had girlfreinds before but my Daughter hasn't had a boyfriend before so this is all new to us. I also feel that to some extent she's got an example to set to her two younger brothers and displaying love bites on either herself or her boyfriend and asking to stay the night at his house, which she did at the weekend, we said no, isn't the way to go about setting a good example.

So what do I do? Take no action as such at this stage but continue to observe the situation and stand by my rules and boundaries? Or have a talk to his Mother, tell her how I feel? This is really all new territory for me, I'm a bit bewildered by it and am unfortunately getting very little support or back-up or even opinion really, from my Husband so would be interested to hear how other people felt about their Daughter's first boyfriend and how they handled things.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

I really don't think the OP is over moral here! Her dd is 15 and she is trying to teach her self respect and personal safety. I would be the same as would most of my friends with girls and they are on the whole a liberal bunch but still would be concerned that a 15 yr old girl was putting all her energies in to one relationship when she could be having fun doing lots of difernet things

My DD is 15 and has been with her first boyfriend for 6 months now. We talk a lot (the car is great for this) about responsibility both within the relationship but also how she acts with others. Especially we have talked about not losing contact with her female friends.

We have talked about contraception and I have said that I would prefer her to wait until she is 16 to make this a sexual relationship. She has said that she wants to be legal. We are talking about contraception. However mainly our conversations are about respect within a relationship. About not two-timing, not fighting and if necessary ending things with goodwill on both sides and generosity on hers.

DS likes her boyfriend as he is a fellow xboxer so they have something in common.

15 is a tricky age (arent they all?) but so far I think that lines of communication are being kept open.

Gracie123, that comment - 'not shagged in 2 months fast paced then'? Certainly didn't escape my notice but I chose to ignore it. I knew that if I reacted in the way that was instantly instinctive, I could well start a MN bun fight. Wouldn't be the first time and didn't really want to go there. I did question myself as to whether MN was the right place but on the whole feel that I've received interesting and fairly useful advice and as I said earlier, it was good to get some different opinions and there's certainly been some of those! I feel better about things on the whole now and have been reassured that my Daughter's relationship with her boyfriend is on the whole normal but will just continue to monitor the situation and keep an eye on things and just step in with the bits that I'm really not happy with. She's a sensible girl, he's a genuinely nice lad and I don't think - certainly hope not - that they'll do anything silly. She often looks so happy when they're together, and that is lovely to see.

Gracie123 what a strange comment to make. MN is a good cross section of society. It is a parenting website. Seems like the ideal place to ask this question. MummyPenguin is an adult and quite able to make her own decisions - taking any advice she feels is helpful and ignoring any that isn't - she isn't some muppet who will just do what 'the MN jury tells her'... and of course, there isn't an MN Jury - but simply many people with opinions of their own.

MummyPenguin - I think you and DH have been really 'wise/sensible' with all of this and have come to a good decision/standpoint.

It is lovely to see them happy isn't it (even when it's scary for you!).

I think Gnomes post is well worth another read and hers is a good attitude to adopt if you aren't already like that with DD.

Thanks ChippingInMistressSteamMop will have another read of Gnome's post now.

I need to go back to a shorter ChippingIn name don't I - the new one is just far tooo long!

I just had a look at your profile - I assumed you had changed names for this thread as I didn't recognise it, but you seemed like a regular poster... I thought in light of this thread your comment However, I am fairly overprotective, and am very reluctant to let DD who's nearly 11 go anywhere on her own. She's soon to start Secondary school though, so I know I have to let go a bit was quite amusing I bet you wish you could go back to her being 11 now!!!

Oh yes!! I haven't been on MN in quite a while. Used to be here all the time, then stopped for a long time, now dip in and out occasionally. Haven't updated any of my information either.

Sorry if I offended anyone, it wasn't meant that way at all. I'm just trying to politely suggest that the majority of the country probably wouldn't have a problem with what she is describing, so if she wants advice that fits in with her standards she'd do well to seek out others with similar standards and ask them what they would do; rather than open it up as a free for all.

To be honest, I was on my phone at the time and hadn't read through the whole thread yet. I've actually been pleasantly surprised by the balance of opinions, so I'll eat humble pie and accept that I was wrong.

By the way ChippingIn your name intrigues me. If you have a steam mop I am super jealous. I've wanted one for ages

lurks with interest

I haven't read all of the posts so apologies if i am repeating.....

I had my first serious boyfriend at 14 and all that entails. No my parents didn't approve as such but my mum was great about it. She was of the opinion that as i was so grown up, I had to take on the responsibilities that come with relationships and flooded me with information/support/contraception etc.

It didn't alter my behaviour, and to be honest I would have done as I pleased anyway and she knew it, but what it did do was lay the ground that we were both women and she would never judge me and always support me.

I think if you want to lay down rules, they should be about respect for your house (coming home times etc). But you cannot impose rules about her body. If she is going to have sex she will. If she wants a piercing she will get one.

She is already showing you that she will do what she wants anyway, in my opinion the best you can do is treat her as the woman she thinks she is and don't disapprove but be open to supportive discussion. She make screw it all up, but your job is to help her pick up the pieces if she does. Likeyhood is she won't and she's a fabulously intelligent and self-respecting individual and a credit to you.

Please don't forget that this is a fantastically exciting time for her, and let her enjoy it.......

Gracie - I do have one. Only £39 from Lakeland - wouldn't be without it!! The name is because I keep banging on about them!!

MummyPenguin, quite regardless of how you deal with the lovebites etc, I would be very wary of letting a 12yo have the deciding role as to how his older sister conducts her private life. He is simply not mature enough to decide what is reasonable behaviour for someone who is considerably older than him. And tbh there is absolutely no way of knowing if he will react any better if, say, she wants to move from home in 3 years time- would you let him decide about that too?

Your job as a parent is to reassure him, but gently make him understand that his sister is growing up, and that means she will be changing and, in some ways, growing away from him, but that he must not interfere with that. It is simply not healthy for a 12yo to have that amount of power over somebody else's life, even if he is particularly sensitive. If he has hang-ups for some reason, he needs adult help with those.

If you do decide to exert your authority over your daughter, it should be because you feel it is in her best interests.

Oh yes Cory, I see what you're saying. My 12 Year Old Son isn't that controlling over what his Sister does and her conduct with her boyfriend, it's just that he was struggling with his own feelings about the matter and I guess he's approaching the age where he's going to have feelings about girls and so on of his own too and I think it's just been a bit of a confusing time for him. I think he just had a bit of a 'wobble' for a bit. He's better about things now. The really good thing is that he gets on great with my Daughter's boyfriend and has got a new mate out of it too. Your comments, supadupapupascupa, (these names!!) describe my Daughter quite accurately, she is a very intelligent individual, she has strong ideas and opinions of her own, she is a credit to me - thanks for that - and yes, they'll do what they want, mostly, won't they?! I guess I just have to learn to accept things, she's growing up, and yes, it is a fabulously exciting time for her and I don't want to make an enemy out of her through it all, rather enjoy the highs and be there through the lows with her. I've told her repeatedly that she can and must talk to me about anything - anything she's experienced or will experience, I have too (and some worse probably!) So I'd never judge her.

No worries Gracie, very good of you to have that nibble on humble pie though

Am intrigued about these steam mops....

I think that with 15 year olds the opportunity to exert authority over them is slipping away. Come down too hard on them and like mercury they will shoot off away from us.

MummyPenguin - your daughter may regret the whole love bite thing but of course she is never going to say 'mum, you are so right!'. As others have said, it is probably a phase. It certainly sounds like you are doing the right things (if these exist) even if you are having private qualms.

I appreciate you having posted about it on here. I will make a mental note to chat about it with my 15 year old on our next car journey. Talking in the abstract is a lot less confrontational than talking about something which is already happening!