Teenager Daughter and boyfriend. Am I over-reacting or not?

[MummyPenguin]

Okay, this might be a bit long but I like to provide detailed information and hope that some of you bear with me as I could really use some good advice. Here goes. My Daughter has recently turned 15 and also quite recently aqcuired her first boyfriend. He's recently turned 15 too and they've been seeing each other for about 9 weeks. He's a lovely lad and myself and my Husband and our two (younger than Daughter) Sons really like him. The issue that I've got is that I feel that the relationship has been moving too quickly, is too intense and is quite 'adult' in nature. As I've used that term, I must point out that they haven't had sex, at least I don't think they have, I've asked my Daughter and she's said they haven't and I believe her. What I mean by 'quite adult in nature' is that there has been a lot of snogging going on and the odd bit of groping too and there have been a couple of exchanges of love bites which I'm really not impressed by. A few weeks ago my Daughter came home with a sizeable love bite and before I had chance to react she explained to me that she and the boyfriend were 'experimenting' with them to see what it felt like but she didn't like it and didn't want to do it again. I accepted this and told her my feelings on them which are that I really don't like seeing her with one and they just look trashy. Yesterday I noticed that her boyfriend has a love bite. I asked my Daughter about it and said that I thought after the 'experimental' thing that they weren't going to do that again. She was very blase about it and replied "just because I don't like them doesn't mean he doesn't." I re-iterated how I felt about seeing that on either of them and said that she shouldn't be doing that. She just said a limp 'sorry'. I didn't want to get into a heated discussion with her as she's left for a school trip early this morning and will be away a few days and I didn't want to fall out with her before she goes away.

Because of the speed at which the relationship is progressing and the intensity of it I have put a few boundaries in place and laid down a few rules. I've told her that I don't want her to see her boyfriend more than 3 weekdays after school and I want one weekend day where she's with us and doesn't see him at all. She reluctantly agreed to this but occasionally flouts it by arranging for him to come over without consulting us on days that she's not supposed to be seeing him. Another condition I've set is that I don't want her and the boyfriend to be in the house alone together. I can control that at our house but I know I can't control it if she goes to his house.

The upshot is I suppose, that I'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of her having a boyfriend at all as I think she's too young still, although I'd be less concerned if the relationship weren't so 'serious', if it were all more holding hands and sweet and innocent 'kiddy boyfriendy girlfriendy' sort of thing. I am trying to get my head around it but when I see love bites and things like that it just freaks me out a bit. I also feel that she adheres to my rules and boundaries for a bit, just to appease me, then she goes and does what she wants anyway. This has happened a few times. I've asked my Mum for advice, she thinks I should talk to the boyfriend about how I feel but I just find the idea of doing that really awkward and I don't want to cause any bad feeling between us. I have considered contacting his Mother and asking her to meet with me for a chat about things.

This lad has had girlfreinds before but my Daughter hasn't had a boyfriend before so this is all new to us. I also feel that to some extent she's got an example to set to her two younger brothers and displaying love bites on either herself or her boyfriend and asking to stay the night at his house, which she did at the weekend, we said no, isn't the way to go about setting a good example.

So what do I do? Take no action as such at this stage but continue to observe the situation and stand by my rules and boundaries? Or have a talk to his Mother, tell her how I feel? This is really all new territory for me, I'm a bit bewildered by it and am unfortunately getting very little support or back-up or even opinion really, from my Husband so would be interested to hear how other people felt about their Daughter's first boyfriend and how they handled things.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

I share your view about lovebites being gross - but you have to understand that your daughter is 15, not a kid any more. In earlier societies she'd be considered an adult - and physically and hormonally she's a woman not a child. So the rules that you put on her have to be a mixture of recognising her motivation, while also putting on limits.

Snogging, groping and lovebites are very typical adolescent girlfriend/boyfriend behaviour, and I don't think you're going to get far by disapproving of them. All you will do is convince her that you have no idea about anything.

OTOH its reasonable to limit their time together because of homework and not wanting her to neglect other friendships.

Can you remember what you were like at 15? I can, and it certainly had nothing to do with "sweet hand-holding"! I didn't go all the way, but my hormones made that a tricky choice. The best you can do is to recognise the strength of both her feelings and her physical urges, and help her to put the brakes on when things go too far, but also make sure she knows about contraception and STDs just in case.

I think i would feel the same way as you.
I have an 18 year old and a 16 year old.
The 16 is very immature and no boyfriend in sight.
The just turned 18 had her first 'proper' adult relationship with a boy in October (now finished).
I think it is totally about the change between them being a child and becoming an adult and how difficult it is for us as parents to come to terms with it.

Good luck

It's very difficult. However, I do agree with the people saying the more rules you give her, the more she has to rebel against. I left home at 17, I had heard 'while you're under my roof' one too many times so opted for getting my own roof! :)

I think it's OK to say things like - 'I don't want you spending more than 3 afternoons a week with him because you have homework to do' (reasonable & valid reason), whereas 'You have to be at home one weekend day' is simply for your or your DS's benefit and I don't think that's very fair. Teenagers want to be out with their friends, not at home with siblings who are considerably younger. It's a shame that the 12 yo feels like he's losing his sister - but that is something they need to work out, you can try talking to DD and seeing how she feels she can work on this (but don't be too suprised if her (very valid) response is 'so what'? You can't expect her to stay home and not do what she wants, to keep DS happy. The more you make demands about 'being at home' the more she will seem home as somewhere you are made to be, not want to be.

I think there's a fine line between saying 'Yes, bring him here & be home alone as much as you like - wink wink' & 'I don't want you here alone with him (I don't trust you)' - but I think you need to find it, else if they don't feel trusted they'll be far more temped to go off and do what they want behind the bike sheds.

Give me 5 under 5's rather than one teenager anyday!!

Good Luck

OH - re the love bites ... I would have no problem telling her I didn't want to see them on my daughter, in my house.... (I'm not sure I learnt enough from my parents mistakes to be honest!! )

Thanks again. I've told her at length that she can and must talk to me about anything and that I won't go nuts! I honestly think if she had a real issue or problem, I wouldn't go mad, I'd just want to help her deal with it in the best way. Yours is an interesting tale, nearlyuptheduff, and quite thought-provoking too. I'm sure we'll be okay, it's all a learning curve and I'm just wondering if I'm doing the right thing and reacting in the right way and so on. I guess we all have to do what feels right for us but be open to alternatives and negotiation too. Embrace the challenges maybe?!

'She's too young for a grown up relationship'
Try to work out why you feel this way
Identify your fears eg

Getting pregnant
Getting hurt emotionally
'Losing' your daughter
Losing her childhood /innocence
Looking trashy with love bites
Things that may have happened to you at a similar age
And so on

Decide which are an inevitable part of growing up, and which are less important, and which need action. These early intense relationships will help her to learn about things before she is older and trying to find the right life partner. Yours sons will learn something, too.

I don't think you are being old fashioned mummy penguin. they are both under the age of consent and I think love bites are tacky. Also I expect you don't want to see your daughter being hurt and probably want her to concentrate on her school work.

I have 2DDs 17 and 18 so its quite fresh in my memory!

The love bites are a phase and probably a sign that nothing too advanced is going on. I hated seeing them and made myself feel better with some sarcastic comments. The issue came to a head when they had to tie their hair back for work (pocket money job). I then went into 'help' mode and never saw one again!

With regards your younger children and the smooching. Are they only allowed downstairs? The use of a bedroom doesn't mean too much too soon especially when mum is putting the washing away, calls about homework and lots of other irritating parental interruption. Ha ha

Above all keep talking.

Alemci, you are so talking my language. That is exactly how I feel. I've considered other opinions and as I said, I know there will be posters who are more liberal than me, but I do believe in my instincts and morals too. It's just tough finding the balance between not pushing my Daughter away, or indeed further into the realtionship, and adhering to my instincts and what I feel comfortable with.

thing is, it's not really your sex life or body to feel comfortable in or to do with as you please - she's a totally separate and largely autonomous being now, even if she does depend upon you financially and to some extent emotionally. All I mean is, she needs to trust her own instincts, develop her own morality and decide what she is comfortable with now.

aww, this is quite hard.
she is going to have this relationship whether you like it or not.
what she is doing is completely normal
sounds like you have a great relationship, talking openly
sounds like she has her head on her shoulders.

you just need to trust her
trust that she will make her own decisions

you want to protect her from everything, but you actually are in danger of alienating her.

I don't know what age you had this kind of relationship, but 15 is quite normal.
and if he is a nice kid, he will respect her and just because they are kissing and groping and giving love bites, doesn't mean they will have sex next week.

All you can do is prepare her for the big bad world, and it sounds like you have done a good job

she will be ok
she is happy

and yeah, the love bites are tacky, but we've all done it.... haven't we?

I still think children are becomming far too sexualised at an early age. what is the rush? I am not anti sex before marriage but I think later teens is better.

I dunno, women who needed to marry for dynastic reasons were betrothed practically from birth and churning out babies by the age of 15 hundreds of years ago. If anything, childhood has got longer in recent times.

I would also keep on about the age of consent, it protects both parties.

I was stricter than you on how often they could see each other as both were doing 10/11 GCSEs.

I would never contemplate meeting the boyfriends' parents. This sort of thing is sorted out 'in house' and will give them marvellous negotiating skills for years to come. As they get older the rules will change.

Honestly, if you have brought up your daughter for 15 years within your own moral framework, she's as protected now as she is ever going to be, and should be capable of applying what you've taught her about morality to the situation. I don't think I'm particularly "liberal" and wouldn't want my 15yo to be having sex. But I don't think that having a boyfriend and lovebites and groping means that she will necessarily have sex any time soon, and I don't think those things are the ones that you need to apply your own morals to - you have to now trust her to apply her own morals to them, and hope that you've instilled your values in her in a way which makes her understand them and agree with them to a reasonable extent.

'I still think children are becomming far too sexualised at an early age.'

My grandmother was married at 15 and a mother at 16 and that was in the last century.

In Latin American cultures, it's common for a girl to have a big party on her 15th birthday, a quinceanera, to introduce her as a young woman who is no longer a child. At this point in time, even in upper classes, she can be courted by young men (who are expected to act like young men, too).

I think the trouble now is that we are stressing about the sex and not the rest of the adult part that goes with it - the life experiences that lead to, hopefully, better judgement, as that requires letting go, and it's very hard.

As a result we're seeing more and more adults, well into adulthood even, who are quite immature and infantalized socially and emotionally but sexually active. They never got the emphasis that needed to be placed on the adult part, just the sex.

Also keep in mind that one's perspective of time and its continuum changes in adulthood.

'What's the rush?' can come across as very patronising and can alienate a younger person.

Instead it might be better to focus on if they've given any thought to how they want a relationship to be progressing in say, 3 months? 6 months?

I grew up with a lot of shame attached to sex (Catholic upbringing). My folks just pretended it didn't exist. The result was that I got all my information from peers and thankfully had a savvy older sister with plenty of friends and our cousins.

But when I became a sexual health peer counsellor at university, the level of ignorance and immaturity regarding sex, by young women who were already sexually active, was shocking, and I think being from a very 'moral', conservative, fundamentalist area had a lot to do with this, with often dire consequences.

It's not something I want to pass onto my own children.

I can remember having love bites at your dd's age and I am over 40 now. Fifteen and in love is an intense thing - Op can you remembe what it was like to be that age? Having been through all this once so far, my experiece says listen and try not to judge and to expect 15 year olds not to indulge in heavy petting (hate that expression but can think of no other) is unrealistic. A lot of the kids I work with had sex at 13 - not great but true.

Sometimes as parents we are unable to let our children grow up at the rate they want/need to. I used to say to my eldest dd that having full sex changes things so make sure you are ready for that to happen - no idea if it made any difference tbh.

I never ever had a lovebite until I was 18 and, as a one-time only, shagged a fellow fresher at university.

I actually didn't realise what he'd done until my mate looked aghast at my neck.

Bastard.

It was ROASTING that time of year, well over 35 degrees, and I had to go around with a scarf round my neck for about a week.

Of course, everyone asked why I had a scarf or bandana round my neck, it was so hot.

I finally gave up the pretense after a bit - yes, the bite was STILL there - especially as I was no longer living at home and just put up with people tittering.

I think it is normal to feel as you do. I would discourage love bites as they are so visible that unfortunately they send a signal and teenagers are cruel. At 15 i think it is fine to have some rules about where she goes etc. I think 3x a week and once at weekends is plenty otherwise her whole life will be this boy and she still needs her friends family and study. Keep the lines of communication open and don't be afraid to tell her she's your baby and you are adjusting to her growing up Good luck x

More interesting posts, thanks. A few posters have asked me if I remember what I was like at that age, but the thing is I didn't have my first serious boyfriend until I was 17 so a good couple of years older than my Daughter is now. That's the other thing that I feel about the love bites, noddyholder, teenagers are cruel, when my Daughter had the love bite on her neck one of her so-called friends called her a slag. (Not to her face, my Daughter heard about it from the friend's Sister.) My Daughter got really upset about it. I sympathised with her and told her to try not to take it to heart, but also pointed it out to her that if she was going to 'wear' these marks openly then other teenagers may well make disparaging remarks and/or call her names.

Hi MummyPenguin, I think I could be the mum of your daughters bf!!

Seriously i am in a very similar situation with my 15 yr old ds and i understand you feelings. I have an 18 year old who is in a serious relationship and i am far more relaxed about that. The difference between 15 and 18 year old is vast.

I do remind my ds that they are both under the age of consent. I try to be open and understanding but am finding the intensity of their relationship hard going.

I don't have any advice but do understand exactly how you feel, am reading all the comments for advice.

The ony thing I would have a problem with is the kissing and cuddling in front of the two siblings. I think she and her boyfriend are being disrespectful to them and the op should put a stop to it.

I don't really understand the problems with lovebites. All they are, are visible signs of kissing and cuddling, nothing more.

Maddiemostmerry, good to hear that there's someone else in this situation!! It's hard isn't it? Especially when, as you say, they're both under the age of consent, and you can just sort of see things sliding towards a direction that you really don't want them to go in..... It's just difficult to know if you're doing the right thing and handling things in the right way and if your reactions are appropriate or not. The opinions I've had have been interesting and some have really made me think whether I should 'take a chill pill' but then I find it really hard to ignore my instincts and my sense of what's acceptable and what isn't. On the one hand I've got lots of people giving me 'modern' advice and on the other hand I've got my Mum going all 1950's on me, so it's hard to know who's right!! I got my Husband to read this thread last night and he found it quite interesting too and we've decided to leave things as they are in as much as the amount of time that we're happy for our Daughter to see the boyfriend (3 weekdays after school, and we would like to have 1 weekend day where we have her to ourselves, if possible.) The main reason for sticking by this 'rule' is that if we leave them to it they'll be together almost all the time which was what was happening in the early weeks. As lovely a boy as he is, we don't want him or anyone else's child in our house ALL the time and his parents may well feel the same. Of course schoolwork/homework/seeing other friends have to way heavily into the equation too, so I think it's sensible to set some boundaries on the amount of time they spend together. We have decided though, after reading the comments on here, not to be too hard on her, continue to observe the situation, see how things go, but maybe get off her case a bit too.

Crystalglasses, I've spoken to my Daughter about how she conducts herself and her relationship with this boy in front of her younger Brothers, as I said earlier, one of them in particular has been quite unsettled by it, and I've told her that although she may not like it, it comes with the territory of being the eldest that you have some responsibility to setting a good example to younger siblings. She's taken this on board.

Good luck Maddiemostmerry!

Op - I'm not sure mumsnet is the best place to come for advice on something like this; as evidenced by the post 'not shagged after two weeks? Fast paced then'.

You obviously have higher moral standards for your family than average. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but the average (read majority) don't have the same standards and are not going to reinforce your convictions.

If you feel strongly about something, as her parent you have the right to intervene if you think it's necessary not because the MN jury does or doesn't think it's okay.

Hope you get it sorted out.