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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

18 yearold DS not doing vital A2 coursework

25 replies

gingeroots · 03/03/2011 16:34

This must sound pathetic ,set against drug taking and pregnancies ,but .... would like advice on how to handle ,how to speak to him .
He's repeating second year of sixth form - looking back ,think because of same problem last year .
Quiet ,shy ,very limited social life ,rarely sees or talks to the 3 friends ( all younger than him ) he has ,no drinking ,no pubs,no girlfriends .
He does homework ,doesn't truant , plods along ,not doing as much as I'd like ( 4/5 hours a day during halfterm revising ) and I think will get 3 C's in Physics ,Chemistry and Bio .
Or could if he would only do his Chem coursework .
After Christmas he claimed the lap top had crashed and lost his work , found out yesterday that he hadn't handed in work before halfterm ,found out today that the "work " I made him email to teacher yesterday was just 3 pages of stuff off internet .very limited small social life ,certainly no drinking ,pubs ,clubs or girlfriends .
I'm so cross with him ,can't bear the lies - I've printed it out at school ,put it on her desk ,it's saved on the school computer ...
Just want to shout at him ,realise if I did less shouting ,maybe he wouldn't lie .
What's the best approach ?
Advice ...

OP posts:
Original poster
gingeroots · 03/03/2011 16:35

Sorry for typos - please ignore .

OP posts:
cheapskatemum · 03/03/2011 16:39

Is this the only piece of coursework he hasn't done? Have you spoken to the teacher? If it's the only piece, I can only assume it's because there's a bit of it that he just doesn't "get".
Regarding his personality traits - bit of a longshot - but have you ever considered that he might have Asperger's Syndrome?

Ponders · 03/03/2011 16:42

Oh dear, gingeroots Sad

Why is he doing these A levels? Did he actually choose to do them, or did he just sort of fall into doing them, or did he choose in the first place & then lose interest?

Is there something he'd rather be doing? He oesn't sound very happy, poor lad - & neither are you, clearly - I think you need to talk to him, quietly, about where he's going.

Have an un-MN hug, I think you need one {{}}

PixieOnaLeaf · 03/03/2011 16:47

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
gingeroots · 03/03/2011 17:07

Thank you guys ...
it is the only piece of current coursework ( though remember now ,similar problem with a Gcse item )he's not doing . But he doesn't have any others .
I think he keeps not doing it and it's become a huge problem to him ...still doable ,deadline May15 and school in touch with me now and saying " we'll sort it ".

He doesn't have much idea about what he wants to do ,has achievable offers from ex poly type unis ( fine by me ) to do Animal Studies .Insurance offer for Foundation Degree.

I'm afraid I'm not consistent - veer between shouting and telling him I can't bear the lies ,and reassuring him that I understand it's tough ,that it's ok if he wants to change mind about uni ,will be ok ,natural not to know what he wants to do ,still young ,we'll figure something out .
He really doesn't have a clue where he's going - I think that's the problem ,but not unusual at this age is it ?

As for his social life ... it's just the way it is ,he's young for his age I think ,school an hours bus ride away so no local friends ,no friends at primary school .

OP posts:
Original poster
gingeroots · 03/03/2011 17:11

Pixie - he doesn't seem to mind school ,quite likes it I think ,never wants to miss it .
Was his idea to repeat year in sixth form - tho personally I think that makes it a bit of a drag for him .
cheapskate - I do sometimes think he may be down there on the Aspergers syndrome ,his social skills are not good ,but maybe just shy .

Oh who'd be a parent ...feeling useless emoticon .

OP posts:
PixieOnaLeaf · 03/03/2011 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ponders · 03/03/2011 17:19

as he's got into this hole with coursework - with you keeping an eye on him &, presumably, school reasonably on top of the situation - how do you think he will manage at uni when he's on his own?

Original poster
gingeroots · 03/03/2011 17:34

Ponders - yes ,exactly ,one of my fears ...
I have gently raised this with him - he says he thinks it will be easier at uni ,more focused on what he's interested in .
Personally I don't think he can imagine what it might be like .
Have told him how I was scared to give my first essay in ,thought the uni would realise their mistake and throw me out - was trying to tell him ,we all feel scared ,it's ok ,but have to carry on ,not put head in sand .
I just don't really know what to do ,don't feel I can say well you're like this now ,no point going to uni as you'll fail .
Though ,seriously I think that might happen .

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CrosswordAddict · 03/03/2011 17:45

He doesn't sound ready for uni does he?
All the lies and excuses are just a cover-up for his failings really. He doesn't seem to be facing reality IMHO. Is he your eldest? Or do you have previous experience with this age?
You have my heartfelt sympathy but maybe he needs a reality check. Is there someone at his school who could mentor him? I feel he is worth nurturing.
Also he must be the oldest in the class now as he is repeating "A" Levels and this might isolate him a bit too.
He sounds as if he needs a gentle kick in the pants. Maybe another student could help? Could you ask his tutor at school for a helping hand?

lyra41 · 03/03/2011 17:54

yini is a good organisation for doing a gap year job. my ds is doing it atm, they earn a salary and get the chance to grow up a bit before uni.

maybe that's worth thinking about.

Ponders · 03/03/2011 18:13

if he takes a gap year he'll be in for the massive rise in tuition fees in 2012 though. If he is set on going he'd be better going this year providing he can change his study habits.

Will Animal Studies require much essay writing? I think that's the hardest part for students who haven't done it much...has he been to an open day? Could he maybe arrange to speak individually to a 1st year student currently doing it, to get a realistic idea of the work involved?

cheapskatemum · 03/03/2011 21:23

Not banging a drum about it, but if you even slightly suspect Asperger's, it's worth Googling it (NAS website has reputable info on the syndrome). University would be a minefield without forward planning & ongoing support. I was wondering if maybe he realises this on one level.

Morrisby helped my DS3, who didn't have a clue what he wanted to do after GCSEs. After Psychometric tests etc he felt a lot more focussed.

mumeeee · 04/03/2011 21:08

DD2 went to uni after an unplanned gar year and we founfd having thaat year out was good for her although we did have some hard times while she was still at hoe. While she was at college she was often late with couese work or got suff in at the last mibute, But she still past with 2 A's and a C.
She was much beter when she went to uni although still a bit last minute ( that is her nature ). But she gets everything in in time. At the end of her first term at uni I asked if she had handed al her work in on time and she said yes otherwise I'd fail. So there is hopr. She is now in her 2nd year

atswimtwolengths · 07/03/2011 21:06

15th May is the day that the exam board has to receive the coursework marks. The exams office needs it about a week in advance. The teacher needs some time to mark it. Please don't assume he actually has until the 15th.

paula5246 · 12/03/2011 21:07

Going against the grain here sorry...He's presumably about 19 now. He's not doing his coursework and he didnt do it last year either. This is absolutely not your problem. If he fails, he fails. It doesnt mean he fails at life. He'll get a chance to reinvent himself and do something else. You need to be clear that you wont be supporting him, he'll be getting a job if he doesnt make Uni, but thats fine if that is what his choice is. Uni is not the only option and it looks to me that he is choosing not to go.

Original poster
gingeroots · 13/03/2011 09:32

I think you're right Paula .
I just wish I felt that he was actually aware of what he was doing .
That he really understands the consequences .
He's more like a rabbit caught in the headlights .

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bamboobutton · 13/03/2011 09:40

if he is interested in animals why not encourage him to go to an agricultural collage instead of university.

my cousin did an animal course at otley college and she has been all over the world helping animals and is now rspb warden in shetland.

it doesn't sound like he is enjoying his Alevels in the slightest.

Original poster
gingeroots · 13/03/2011 15:29

That's kind bamboobutton ,actually he has an offer to do a Foundation Degree in Animal Studies at Merrist Wood ( which I imagine is an ex agric.college ,but I think has the course accredited by Kingston Uni )
I think that level of study might suit him better.
It's pretty grim in our house today ,I'm so frustrated with him .
He's genuinely upset and I really don't know how to help him,
All I can think is that he's not putting the effort in - but on the other hand ,as I've said it's hardly that he's spending time doing other stuff .
Still one of his teachers has said they'll get his Biology paper back to go through it as they were suprised he did so badly .
I see that as a good sign .
Just hope it happens and the subject teacher isn't countermanded by senior management as sometimes seems to happen .
TBH ,apart from coursework his recent A2 modules and mocks were so bad I'm worried they won't let him stay on to take A2's in summer .Sad

OP posts:
Copper · 13/03/2011 22:48

Gingeroots

sounds like he has developed a mental bloc on the coursework. My DS did too and failed it. I imagine he must be scared of failing and bored with the syllabus and sticking his head in the sand

Has he been to see Merrist Wood? It looks really good online. Seeing an alternative to more years of what he is not enjoying may be enough to re-enthuse him enough for the final push. Also, given the kind of person you say he is, he may cope better in a smaller more caring place - uni can be very unpleasant for quiet and shy people without bags of self confidence.

Could they really stop him from taking the exams? That sounds appalling.

Also, is he dyslexic? Can take lots of forms. If he is, the DSA provides a lot of help - taping lectures, IT stuff - which can really make a difference.

Original poster
gingeroots · 14/03/2011 08:44

Thanks Copper ,I can't say how much I appreciate everyone's input .
I think he is bored and scared ,and isolated really .
His only friends ( 3 with whom he meets up with once every couple of weeks to play Dungeons and Dragons ) are younger than him and not at his school .
So he doesn't have any peer support .
He has been to Merrist Wood - they interview applicants - and he likes it .( can't get much more out of him ,but that's normal )

He was screened for dyslexia - an online test - and this came back negative .Tho I have my doubts .
He can read fine ,but his written work is dreadful ,atrocious handwriting ,no organisation .
He's always getting the wrong end of the stick .Amongst the crying yesterday he was saying "people always have to make allowances for me ,I'm always the last to finish anything ,they have to wait for me .. "
He does get extra time in exams .

Regarding the exams ....yes I think they can and might .
There was a panic this time last year when they suddenly said that anyone with low grades would " have to be entered as a private student " and he was asked to bring in £250 the next day .
I did query this and in the end it was dropped and I never found out what being entered as a private student might mean .
I can see that they don't want their results lowering with low achieving kids ,but if he's to get a place at Merrist Wood ,he will need to sit the exams .
Praying they won't kick him out Sad

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Copper · 14/03/2011 17:40

If he likes Merrist Wood, don't they have some other courses he might be interested in that he could have as a backup? It may make life much easier for both of you if you had a fallback plan. (It was certainlyh a comfort for me.)

My ds was very similar and though he is now able to cope with the work, he is finding the social life very hard - too much noise, drink and drugs for him. He wants a quiet life and few good friends to have a laugh with. If I had known how hard this aspect was in advance, I might have advised something else.

Copper · 14/03/2011 17:43

And it might be really good for him to shine or even just be average in a smaller place. That was my ds's dream - just not to stand out form everyone else.

he sounds as though he has been having a hard time in a school that seems not to value him for himslef

Original poster
gingeroots · 14/03/2011 19:06

Thanks copper - is your DS somewhere big ?
Hope he can hook up with someone - just one friend makes all the difference .
Sure things will work out Smile
( yes ,I'm thinking best for my DS to be somewhere he could do well rather than struggle .on top of all the rest of it )

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Copper · 14/03/2011 19:34

Gingeroots

yes, they are, at last - it's just that it wasn't the wonderful uni experience everyone else seemed to have - and he'd done so well to get there too.

Best of luck with/for your DS too!

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