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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My DS has got a girl pregnant...

69 replies

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 20:35

Namechanger because have RL friends who know my regular name

My DS has been acting up a lot recently, drinking, smoking, drugs etc. He is 17 and in year 12 at school.

I have had a feeling that something has been seriously wrong for a week or so because he has not been himself at all and has been very withdrawn.

Now I know why... he just came downstairs (only us around as other DC either asleep or at clubs and DH out) and told me that his girlfriend is pregnant and that she told him last week.

He started crying and I hugged him but didn't know whether to tell him off or not?

He says that they use condoms but that he thinks that sometimes they haven't been used properly due to being drunk etc.

I am just shocked and don't know what to do.

Anyone have any experience with this because I am feeling lost and for one of the first times in my parenting life I genuinely have no idea how to deal with the situation.

OP posts:

trefusis · 16/02/2011 20:40

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Original poster

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 20:45

He said that his girlfriend was also going to talk to her parents tonight too and that she hadn't mentioned whether she plans to keep the baby.

He is not mature enough for this... he is out every weekend drinking, doesn't work and is barely keeping himself in school.

OP posts:

PonceyMcPonce · 16/02/2011 20:47

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Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:50

Oh dear. Hugs to you. How very stressful.

How old is your DS? How old is his GF?

Don't tell him off. He needs support and to build bridges. Can you talk to his GF's mother?

Original poster

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 20:53

She is an absolutely lovely girl and is one of the only good things in my DS's life at the moment.

Her parents are very nice too and I am quite good friends with her mum because her younger brother is in the same sports team as my younger DS.

However, I do know that her parents are not overly keen on my DS and if I am being very honest I cannot blame then. He is not always the nicest person to be around and acts very immaturely a lot of the time.

He is my son and I love him but some of the thing he has done/ does are not nice.

OP posts:

Original poster

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 20:54

sorry x-posts

They are both 17 and go to the same sixth form and are in year 12.

Some serious bridges need to be built between him and his GF's parents.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:54

Oh dear.

Do you know how far gone she is?

usualsuspect · 16/02/2011 20:54

He needs your support more than ever ..do you know his GF parents? try and stay calm I know it must be hard

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 20:56

Do you think, from what you know of your DS' GF's mother, that she will be pro-baby or pro-abortion? Daughters are often highly influenced by their own mother's feelings on the matter.

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 21:01

I think all that you can do is be there for him. There is no point in telling him off or getting cross with him, indeed it would be very couterproductive - he can see what has happened and why and he is feeling the consequences without you uttering a word. It is likely that the decision as to whether to proceed will largely be made by the GF, with input from her parents. I think that you should just say to your DS that you will be there for him whatever happens and tell him not to worry because you love him.

Original poster

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 21:01

He said that she thinks she is about 8/9 weeks because she missed two periods then tested.

Her mother and I are very different. I did have my DC relatively young compared to the normal around here whereas her mother is a bit older and had and has a much more successful career.

DS's GF is very bright and is hoping to go to university next year so I don't know whether her mother would be pro-baby or not.

They are however practicing Christians but I have to admit I am not 100% on the current thoughts in the CofE on abortions etc?

OP posts:

Original poster

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 21:02

He has just come and given me another big hug and said he is feeling scared. I have called my DH and asked him to come home because I think my DS needs both of his parents right now.

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roadtrain · 16/02/2011 21:03

Try to prevent your DH blowing his top if he is that way inclined. (apologies if he isn't).

Tell your DS not to be scared - at the end of the day, nobody is actually dying. He can get through this.

Bonsoir · 16/02/2011 21:04

I agree with roadtrain - the decision on what happens next will be made by GP and her parents. But I think you and your DS should try to talk to GF and her family and make supportive noises. And please remember that your DS and his GF are equally and jointly responsible for their mistake.

CarGirl · 16/02/2011 21:06

They are very unlikely to want her to have an abortion if they are practicing Christians.

Original poster

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 21:08

roadtrain - DH can have a temper sometimes but I hope that he can relate to DS here as we were youngish parents too

I think that tomorrow (if we are sure that GF has told her parents) I might try and call her mother to talk about it.

In some ways I think this could be what DS needed to show him that his actions have consequences.

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caughtinanet · 16/02/2011 21:15

Just a word of warning, this happened to a friend of mine at school. Her mum was very strait-laced and when the mum of the boy tried to approach her to sort things out she got a very frosty reception to say the least and the boy had no say in the decision making.

My friend choose to terminate and this was totally the right choice for her at that time and afaik she's never regretted it.

Hope it all goes well for you, its great that your son has come to you so soon that there;s time to consider all the options fully.

OhForKuckingFuntsSake · 16/02/2011 21:21

i think teh only thing you and DH can do is be there whatever is decided. if the girl decides to keep the baby, then your son will have a lot of reality bounding his way. the sooner he can accept that and start planning for it, the better. you and DH will be the most important people to him, as his parents, in guiding him in this.

if the girl decides not to keep the baby, your son may need help coming to terms with this. it may be what is best for all concerned but it doesn't make it and easy decision to accept.

dickyduckydido · 16/02/2011 21:25

Having had a girlfriend at school get pregnant at this age, I think you have to make very clear that you, your DS and your DH will all support whatever decision the GF needs to make at this point in her life. Obviously, you will all have an opinion and indeed an emotional interest but whether or not GF will be emotionally mature enough to be able to take all of your opinions into account will be hard to judge.

SmethwickBelle · 16/02/2011 21:28

A close male relative was in the same position (but at 16), it can be a devastating shock but it at all possible don't let it be a devastating event; what I mean is if your son is lacking confidence/being a typical teenager anyway he may use it as an excuse why he can't possibly do X or Y now... what's the point etc... so load in the positive talk about how it can be OK, it really can, he can still do X or Y with a baby (if that's the case), so can his GF, there are ways and means.

Good luck discussing it with the other family, like you say it could be the making of him.

Hassled · 16/02/2011 21:29

You've had some very good advice here. Poor you - I often wondered, as my DS1 was going through his Yr11/12/13 "phase" how I'd react if this happened and I don't know that I'd have been as calm and rational as you sound.

All you can really do is support, support and then supprt some more. If she wants to keep the baby, is there any practical help you can offer which might make staying in school easier?

CarGirl · 16/02/2011 21:29

I would also suggest that your ds gets a part time job asap to get him used to some responsibility! (ie Saturday job or paper round - just something to make him realise that real life of working is hard!)

sweetheart · 16/02/2011 21:39

Don't know - I'm sure this is a terrible shock for you right now but it does not have to be a disaster - it could be the making of your son if they go ahead with the pregnancy.

I fell pregnant at 18, it was not planned and it was a total shock. That was 10.5 years ago now, dh and I got married when dd was 1. We have gone on to have a 2nd child and own our own home. Dh found a job which he trained on and is now a fully qualified HGV driver and I worked my way up through a company also doing a college course to becomme a director of 4 companies.

I know that all of that propbably seems a very long way away right now but please just be there to support your son right now. He'll know himself that he's messed up and won't need to hear it from you.

Like I said - just because it's not planned it doesn't mean it will be a total disaster.
Hugs to you and your family
x

kiwibella · 16/02/2011 22:16

It sounds like you son is a sensible boy behind his rebellion and you are a wonderful family. I would call the gf's family once I was sure that her parents knew. This needs to be a united approach. All the very best!

Maryz · 16/02/2011 22:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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