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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DS has got a girl pregnant...

69 replies

DontKnowWTD · 16/02/2011 20:35

Namechanger because have RL friends who know my regular name

My DS has been acting up a lot recently, drinking, smoking, drugs etc. He is 17 and in year 12 at school.

I have had a feeling that something has been seriously wrong for a week or so because he has not been himself at all and has been very withdrawn.

Now I know why... he just came downstairs (only us around as other DC either asleep or at clubs and DH out) and told me that his girlfriend is pregnant and that she told him last week.

He started crying and I hugged him but didn't know whether to tell him off or not?

He says that they use condoms but that he thinks that sometimes they haven't been used properly due to being drunk etc.

I am just shocked and don't know what to do.

Anyone have any experience with this because I am feeling lost and for one of the first times in my parenting life I genuinely have no idea how to deal with the situation.

OP posts:
cyrilsneer · 16/02/2011 22:30

I haven't got any advice for you but just thought I'd send you a message of support.

They're not the first kids to have to deal with this and they won't be the last.

Hopefully she'll have told her parents by now...? I think that the idea of getting together, both sets of parents and the kids is a good idea if everyone can behave well... Perhaps you can speak to her Mum in the first instance and suss out if it's likely to be productive? I'd just be slightly wary in case his Dad is seething and wants to throttle your son or knock his block off or whatever.

If my 17 year old/ Lower sixth daughter had to tell me she was 8/9 weeks pregnant I think I would make it clear that it's her decision but I would encourage a termination. Once she had decided I would involve her boyfriend and his family and encourage everyone to acknowledge what a difficult thing it is to do and to pour in lots of love and support for them both but especially for her.

Send you a hug... Let us know what develops.

cyrilsneer · 16/02/2011 22:31

I haven't got any advice for you but just thought I'd send you a message of support.

They're not the first kids to have to deal with this and they won't be the last.

Hopefully she'll have told her parents by now...? I think that the idea of getting together, both sets of parents and the kids is a good idea if everyone can behave well... Perhaps you can speak to her Mum in the first instance and suss out if it's likely to be productive? I'd just be slightly wary in case his Dad is seething and wants to throttle your son or knock his block off or whatever.

If my 17 year old/ Lower sixth daughter had to tell me she was 8/9 weeks pregnant I think I would make it clear that it's her decision but I would encourage a termination. Once she had decided I would involve her boyfriend and his family and encourage everyone to acknowledge what a difficult thing it is to do and to pour in lots of love and support for them both but especially for her.

Send you a hug... Let us know what develops.

cyrilsneer · 16/02/2011 22:32

Sorry to have posted twice - what a clux.

Maryz · 17/02/2011 09:40

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nottirednow · 17/02/2011 10:22

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LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 17/02/2011 10:26

Just to say hope things are going ok and dh wasn't too angry.

jellybeans · 17/02/2011 10:37

'I would encourage a termination.'
I find that awful. I am pro choice but I was in same position as the OPs DS gf, and was the same age. I am in my 30s now and still so grateful that my parents were supportive either way, one of the best things they ever did. They never 'encouraged' me either way and took me to whatever appointments I needed and just sat and listened. I cried buckets for 2 weeks and it was one of the hardest choices I ever ever had to make. The baby's father's parents were different. His mother tried to force me to abort, offered to pay etc etc and she is a practising 'christian' (I personally don't think she acts like one). She was evil and told the baby's dad that whether I aborted or not she wanted us to split. So I was on my own as well. Horrible.

Fastforward 15 years I am married to first baby's father and have 5 DC. he stood up to his mother but only after I made the decision to keep the baby on my own! The only thing that helped me through was my parents amazing unjudging support. I was a rebellious teen (much like OPs son) and put my parents through allsorts but still they gave unconditional support when I needed it, even though my mum later admitted she was worried sick she would end up raising the baby. I truly hope I can be as good for my kids. I know a girl whose mum 'strongly encouraged' abortion and the relationship is very strained.

Please OP as the fathers mother don't mention abortion, leave all the decisions to the gf. My MIL was the only one who mentioned it to me before I even considered it and things have been strained since. She has to live with the guilt of wanting to abort her 1st grandchild. Although we do actually get on alright now as I don't hold grudges and would rather keep the peace for the kids, luckily for her, some may not be so lucky.

Maryz · 17/02/2011 10:43

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

darleneconnor · 17/02/2011 10:58

I'll second that 'dont mention the word abortion'. If she does keep it, that could be used against you and your DS for years. The same goes for him.

I'd want to make sure she has told her parents. If she doesn't then they find out you knew first they wont be happy. Do have have their address/number? If they know, could you arrange a joint family meeting to discuss it?

How long have they been going out? Are they in love? What was your DS planning to do after school? Is the gf planning to stay at home and going to a local uni? Do either of your families have room for a baby and possibly the other partner mooving in?

Would you be happy with them moving in together? Does DS want this if she has the baby?

Is adoption an option to consider?

On the other hand, it is still early, she may have a miscarriage.

Would Ds be upset if she did have an abortion? He might need some counselling to cope with it all. He seems to have been drinking quite a lot. Is there a particular reason for this? Was the gf drinking a lot as well? If they already had emotional issuesw that they were trying to mask with alcohol then maybe this wasn't a complete accident and more of a cry for help? Is there a reason they weren't using hormonal contraceptive as well as condoms?

Original poster
DontKnowWTD · 17/02/2011 17:18

Thank you all so so much for the support and kind messages.

DH came home last night and me, him and DS has a really good chat discussing everything. DS said he realised that it was his GF's decision and he was confused about whether he wanted to keep the baby or not.

I was feeling reasonably positive last night actually as I felt that DS was acting relatively maturely in this situation.

However, DS and his GF came back here after school today and she was very very upset. Her parents did not take the news well at all and her father especially has been very angry at her telling her that she has ruined her life.

I didn't know what to do so I hugged her and said that it was not all her fault and that she had not ruined her life and that the decision about what to do next was hers. I also said that me and my DH would support them both whatever they decided to do.

She is a lovely lovely girl and her and DS have been going out for 2 years now.

He does drink heavily darlene and I think it is because he feels he needs to fit in, he has a different group of friends now because most of his old friends left school to go to college or work. She does drink a bit but I don't think anywhere near as heavily.

I don't know if I said the right things but really do not know what to do r.e talking to GF's parents now?

Jellybeans - thank you so much for your post it has really given me hope

OP posts:
Maryz · 17/02/2011 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scorps · 17/02/2011 17:47

I was pregnant at 16, my parents were extremely supportive, saying that whatever i decided they would stick by me. They rung his parents and told them; we then had a little group meeting. Everyone was very civil, supportive of my decision to become a mother.

I would have been very angry had someone suggested termination - however, my Mum saying whatever you want, we will do what you want us to made me know i could say it.

At that age, i found my GP very helpful actually.

Just from a practical point of view if she wants the baby - folic acid?

Also yes her parents may be upset, no it's not ideal - but it's not ruining her life, just postphoning the 'ususal' order of school. Her parents WILL get over it. I have been to university and had 3 more children since (I'm 26 now) my ds1.

nottirednow · 17/02/2011 18:21

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RoseAnn · 17/02/2011 19:47

im a teen mum im 19 atm ( got preg in yr 12) with a 2year old im nw bk at col atm and ive got a conditional place at uni next year to study nursing.
just be their for your son and the girl what ever happens my ex was immiture and into parting rather then bein a dad but he didnt have suportive perents to help guide him
just makes sure ur there for him when hes down and to kick him up the ass when he needs it :)
i wish someone had done that to my ex lol

and also make sure that if she does keep it her mum knows it no endd of world as long as shes there to suport her i dont no what id do without my mum and her fab suport.

verybored · 17/02/2011 20:06

You sound like a brilliant mum. I had my DS at 18. I had moved out 2 months before I got pregnant and when I phoned my parents, 30 mins later they were on the door step with a bunch of flowers saying congratulations.

With hindsight, they were probably thinking 'oh shit' but their support meant the world to me. Sadly my mum passed away the day before DS1's birthday, but imagine if she hadn't supported us? She would have died soon after a massive rift.

They are pretty much adults and although it doesn't seem ideal as it sounds unplanned, it really is not the end of the world. If they decide to keep the baby, you may need to point DS in the responsible direction of supporting his child both financially and physically.

My DS is 14 now and I don't think he has suffered through having a teen mum. I'm not with his dad, due to him being a twat, but he was not young anyway so that part of the situation cannot be compared to your DS.

Her parents may calm down and support her. Hopefully it's just shock, altho sadly she will never forget what they have said to her.

Be there for both of them, just as you are and remind them the world won't stop turning just because she's pregnant. They will cope.

I whi you all the best Smile

NonnoMum · 17/02/2011 20:12

Been thinking of you all day.

Not much to say really. I think that in most areas of the country there will be a teen pregnancy advisor in most large hospitals.

I'd perhaps try to be very matter of fact and get some real life medical advice (confirming weeks etc).

I get the feeling that this girl will continue her pregnancy (don't know why??)

And for them to both really knuckle down at school - whatever happens, the better their education, the more choices they will have with their futures...

Original poster
DontKnowWTD · 17/02/2011 20:23

Oh god had a bit of a tough hour or so...

DS's GF was here after school for a bit because I think she wanted to get away from home for a bit.

Her mum came to pick her up because she had got her an emergency appointment at the doctors. She knocked on the door and my DS answered and I thought he dealt with the situation well (he doesn't get on well with her parents)

Her mum was just so horrible to him, saying that it was all his fault and that he was to blame for GF's life being ruined. I went into the kitchen to see what was happening and she just burst into tears... I think she is scared tbh and so am I.

They left shortly after and DS's GF texted him and has said she has another appointment for an ultrasound to see how far along she is. DS has said he would like to go too if she doesn't mind but I'm not sure if that is a good idea.

I haven't communicated like this with my DS in a long time, he is acting like my son again even though he is in a very difficult situation, I think that this may have been just what he needed. Does that sound odd?

Thank you all so much for all your support, I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone in real life so knowing I can get advice and vent on here is amazing.

OP posts:
rinabean · 17/02/2011 20:27

You're dealing with this really well. Whatever happens, I'm sure your son's girlfriend will look back with gratitude for the way you've treated her. :)

ImFab · 17/02/2011 20:31

Why don't you think it is a good idea for your son to go with his girlfriend for the scan?

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 17/02/2011 20:34

Was about to post the same question as ImFab.

She might need him to be there.

Original poster
DontKnowWTD · 17/02/2011 20:39

I don't know if she would feel pressurised by my son being there to make a decision one way or another?

Also whether she might prefer her mum to be there?

I don't know tbh

OP posts:
Teenybitsad · 17/02/2011 20:45

I think it will be tough in many ways but your DS needs to help his girlfriend emotionaly right now...I also agree about the job and that as soon as his GF has told her parents...give it a few days and your DS needs to meet them peraps at your house...and reassure them. I know if it were my DD who was pregannt I would worry less if the boy was manly about it all and brave enough to show his face and claim his responibilty

ImFab · 17/02/2011 20:46

It isn't up to you with respect. If she wants him there then he should be there.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 17/02/2011 20:49

They could both be there.

And yes, it isn't up to you. You both need to support her, especially if her parents are struggling with this.

boohoohoo · 17/02/2011 20:49

You sound like a fantastic Mum!!!! FWIW my brother got his girlfriend pregnant when he was sixteen, needless to say my parents were not happy and encouraged my brother and his girlfriend who was 21 to have an abortion. They wouldnt even consider it and were very determined to get married. I think my parents really respected them for being so determined, and doted on my nephew. Theyve had some incrediably hard times (brother had cancer at 18, then going through university forging a career etc) but I have never seen two people sotogether and in love!!! Theyve been married 27 years now and have four children.