My DS has got a girl pregnant...

[DontKnowWTD]

Namechanger because have RL friends who know my regular name

My DS has been acting up a lot recently, drinking, smoking, drugs etc. He is 17 and in year 12 at school.

I have had a feeling that something has been seriously wrong for a week or so because he has not been himself at all and has been very withdrawn.

Now I know why... he just came downstairs (only us around as other DC either asleep or at clubs and DH out) and told me that his girlfriend is pregnant and that she told him last week.

He started crying and I hugged him but didn't know whether to tell him off or not?

He says that they use condoms but that he thinks that sometimes they haven't been used properly due to being drunk etc.

I am just shocked and don't know what to do.

Anyone have any experience with this because I am feeling lost and for one of the first times in my parenting life I genuinely have no idea how to deal with the situation.

Oh dear, based on your description of the girl's mum her reaction is just as I thought it might be and just like that of my friend's mum I posted about yesterday.

Hard though it would be for your son I think that if his GF is to be able to repair the relationship with her mum he may need to step back at first.

If she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy there will be other scans that he can attend with her.

Realistically its going to have to be her decision, I'm sure they will discuss it together and maybe with you as well but I think you will need to respect her right to have the final say.

You have a difficult time ahead, I hope that the outcome is one that both agree with.

I don't agree that your son has to step back. If she has the baby then I am sure her mother will expect him to support her daughter and pay for the baby. She can't pick and chose what he is allowed to be involved with. It is his baby too.

You sound like you're handling this really well, and it's great that you are being so kind to his GF too.

I hope DS can go to the scan, it will be overwhelming but will make the baby real IYSWIM?

Be positive - this could be what's needed to turn his life around.

Oh dear, it sounds as if the parents are anti-abortion if they are saying that she has "ruined her life". That would suggest they see the baby as a permanent fixture. Personally, in the case of a 17 year old bound for university, unless she has a real problem with abortion I would think it to be the obvious solution. I realise I will probably get flamed for this.

If she goes through with the pregnancy, make it clear you will be supportive. But if she goes through with the termination, be supportive too. Suggest he offers to go with her, and make sure you keep in touch and offer support in the days afterwards. What sort of Christians are they? If they are Catholics they will probably be anti-abortion, if it is another denomination then possibly less so. More importantly, does she share their religious beliefs? It is unfair to foist their religion-based objections on her if she does not share them.

I sincerely hope this works out for the best, whatever the decision.

The thought that the abortion of a baby is 'an obvious solution' makes me so sad.

How can a human life be worth less than a university place

Anyway, I think the most important thing is to be supportive. Let her know you will all be there whenever she needs you.

OP, you seem like a wonderful Mother.

I actually think it is easier to combine a baby with university (limited contact time, flexible work parrern) than an established full time career in your 30s.

It'll just be the years of mad parties, halls and binge drinking she'll 'miss out'on.

I don't think it stops you from going to university. I messed up at school got pregnant but then grew up immensely and went back to college in my late teens and got onto a professional training at 20. It was a juggling act but not impossible and the same juggling act (as someone has said above) as older mothers who work and have children. However, I was lucky as was with the father and he had a job as well. We also were pretty poor for a few years and it was hard getting 2 buses every morning with a toddler. But it can be done. There is also the OU as well if there is no chance of childcare. Maybe not what was planned originally but sometimes things work better in the long run.

Thank you again for all your support.

TarkaLiotta that connexions service looks really good, I will try and get at least DS and hopefully DS and his GF an appointment because I agree it will be good for them to talk to someone who isn't running high with emotions.

DS has offered to go to the dating scan with his GF and she has said that she would like him to go as well. I will wait and see what her decision is before mentioning folic acid because I don't want her to think I'm assuming she will have the baby.

I think because I was young when I had my DS (I was 20 and DH was 21) I remember being in the same situation and do not feel like it is/will be the end of their lives because it wasn't for me.

DS has decided to start looking for a saturday job and I have said that I will ask my brother if there are any jobs available in his shop (he owns a sports equipment shop). I think that DS is trying to take responsibility as he has said that he doesn't want to a party tonight with his friends.

Her parents are Church of England I think but they do seem quite traditional, I have to admit I am not really religious so I don't know what that would mean r.e views on abortion.

Maryz - I think I am coping better than her mum but I can see why she isn't coping well, I am not sure she has ever had to deal with anything like this before

Thank you all so much again

I have had experience of this my son got his gf pregnant at similar age. It is all very worrying but luckily your sons gf has a good family. My son's gf came through the care system and did not have a good family. Just keep communicating and take things day by day. Try to be supportive to your son. Hope everything goes well.

Hope you're all doing OK.
Did the scan confirm how many weeks?

BTW - I THINK (but may be wrong) that some universities offer free childcare to young mums. I know of a colleague who got through her further ed this way.
There is more support out there than perahps you realise...

If she does have the baby, that honestly doesn't stop her from going to university. I do tours and Q&A sessions for applicants and prospective students at the uni I go to and one Open Day I had a girl come up to me and explain that she had a conditional offer she was likely to achieve, but that she'd just found out she was pregnant. Myself and the other uni reps were able to change the Open Day programme for her so she could talk to someone about deferred entry, and as well as introduce her to a student union advisor who told her all about childcare and other special arrangements for student parents. The general consensus among everyone we talked to about/for her was 'it'll be hard work, but it's certainly not impossible'.

You sound like you're being as supportive as you possibly could be and I'm sure your son and his GF are grateful.

Any updates?

If you are still there OP just wanted to tell you about a friend of mine's daughter. A. was 17 when she became pregnant by long standing boyfriend and had her baby on her 18th birthday, just after she had finsished A levels. She took up her university place to do languages and business studies and I think did live with her boyfriend for a while, but the relationship ended eventually. Anyway she was a strong minded girl and with a lot of family support she managed very well ( my friend has the little boy to stay in school holidays now, so she does have time away from him) She went on to do a teaching course and is now head of languages at a school in Spain - she even took him with her for the year abro;ad part of her course! When the dust settled both sets of gp got on very well and he is a delightful child, quite grown up because he mixes with so many adults. I know my friend's husband used the Phrase "she has ruined her life" but it really wasn't the case. Hope things are going more smoothly for you and DS I have a 17 year old son too and can imagine this scenario...

I've only just found this thread, but I think you've been offered some great advice and that you seem to be very supportive.

I got pregnant at 16 and my DP sounds a lot like your DS was at the time. DP didn't cope with it very well to be honest: he was so scared and it was difficult having him in tears apologising and worrying. However things turned out well. Having our DD made both of us work a lot harder and try and turn things around.

If your son's GF still wants to go to Uni, she can - having a child is not the end of the line. As Naoko said, universities offer a lot of support for mothers at Uni. This ranges from childcare on University grounds, to make it easy for the mother to drop them off/pick them up; bursaries just for parents and some universities actually offer housing (but of course it will vary from University to University and it's a good idea for her to contact Universities and ask what help is available).