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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Another bloody drama

98 replies

sharon2609 · 28/01/2011 23:09

Having big trouble with nearly13 year old DD. She has been grounded for the last couple of weeks for swearing, running away, awful behaviour etc. Allowed her to go ice skating with her friend this eve after long chat about respect blah blah. Her friends mother offered to pick them up after. Got a call from the mother asking if I had heard/knew where my DD was. I said no I hadn't. Friends mother went into ice rink and hauled my DD out. Apparently DD had said she'd make her own way home (I dont think so). She hadn't spent any time skating with her friend, who had spent the eve crying in the loos. My daughter had spent most of the night skating with a boy from their school. Friends mother read her the riot act (which I have no problem with). What do I do??? Nothing seems to sink in with DD. She just doesn't seem to learn.
Any advice...I feel numb from it all.

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GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 13:31

you're doing good Sharon!!

no advice for you,going through similiar,but i take it day by day.

we have finally got ss and a social worker,but i feel i'll be locking horns with them. dd came home from school after her meeting with the sw and said she was going to get trips to cinema with her sw and a friend of her choice......er,no way!! i have 4 other dc and can't afford cinema trips for them,so dd gets rewarded for bad behaviour whilst the others (who are at risk from her violence) are left out?? god,i'm seething,dd will taunt them with it too.....

GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 13:32

i like the lodger idea Mary.....do we get rent too lol!!

Original poster

sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 13:39

I've suggested the cinema and she's having a think about it.

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maryz · 05/02/2011 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 13:46

ILove Tiffany...you poor thing.I've only got DD to deal with . It must be so hard when siblings are taking the flack as well.I must admit that I have not got much faith in many of the agencies...GP telling me that all this is because she's from a broken home...it's been a hard slog getting help from school as well.
I feel for you Maryz ..my friend has had the same as you with her DD. She had to ask her to leave home in the end she was 17. She's doing better now (24) Own flat and a baby but clean.
'Detatch with love 'as they say

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Original poster

sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 15:21

DD seems more upset about the girls at school being horrible to her... They've been following her and shouting out names at her in class....what are peoples opinions on me having a chat with one of the mums?

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Original poster

sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 15:22

The school are meant to be dealing with this but have done nothing so fa....it just seems to be making things worse at home

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GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 15:24

sharon,i would keep pulling upn the school on it. continually.

i don't think approaching the mums would do much and might make things worse for dd??

Original poster

sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 15:28

The school dont seem to think it's a prob . They were meant to have dealt with it weeks ago but they haven't. I've been in numerous times.

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maryz · 05/02/2011 15:29

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GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 15:30

as for dd's siblings...there are 4 of them. yes,very hard!! but i can't afford to take them all out,so how will they feel seeing dd rewarded for her bad behaviour? this is the thing,i dont want them picking up on bad behaviour=rewards.....unless ss want to pay for me to take the others too....only reaon i adked them specifically for help was because of dd being dangerous and violent around them (assaulted sister,waving lit lighter in face of my 2 year old etc) and ss have told me no,i can't work and leave eldest 3 home alone ages 16,14 and almost 13,because if anytime dd assaults one of them again,then i could be prosecuted!!!
so dd is ruling family finances......keeping it so i cant work and cant afford any extras for everyone else

maryz · 05/02/2011 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 15:31

actually mary,i'm beginning to lose confidence myself now.

maryz · 05/02/2011 15:34

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maryz · 05/02/2011 15:36

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GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 15:43

i'll see mary,its all dependent on funding i believe ,and i'm only going on what dd said after school,so no official line from social worker yet.

i might go one better and take them all ice skating or something!! i'm aware i'm sounding petty here by the way

sharon,i would ask them to expand on what is meant by a 'broken family'......i'm a lone parent also,but these labels are just generalisations,and i bet gp would realise this halfway through the explanation and begin to feel uncomfortable!

i'm being argumentative today,i blame it all on this mad wind!!

Earlybird · 05/02/2011 15:54

Are there any other adults in her life that could help her and support you? Grandparents, aunts/uncles, godparents, etc.?

How is her phone paid for?

Isn't there half-term coming up? If so, what will she do? What about Easter break?

I've never been in your situation (though do have a dd, who is an only), but wonder if you can think of ways to give her positive attention/support. She must feel very isolated - and some of it is her own doing (the way she has treated you, and her ice skating friend). This is a huge life lesson - how you treat people, and how you want to be treated; what it means to be a friend and what friends do for each other.

What sort of things has she enjoyed doing in the past? Can you reclaim any of those things on her behalf?

I'm sure you've thought of all of this already - must be so difficult.

Original poster

sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 16:06

We have had a girly morning...she put my hair in rollers ( I now look a complete fright...she's thinks it's funny. which is lovely)Troub;e is she keeps harping back about the girls at school. I have spoken to her about friendships,bullying, how her behaviour may be affecting her friendships... I'm beginning to wonder if there may be a very very slight aspergers type thingy with her as there is absolutely no getting through to her...she just doesn't get it, or get anything come to think of it. I say this because she had this prob with friends in year 6 in the end they wouldn't play with her. I tried to get counselling back then but to no avail. My friend, the police, teachers,my sister, her cousin have all spoken to her. She just wants these girls to be told that they HAVE to be friends with her. It's her birthday in a couple of weeks and there will be no friends to celebrate it with her...just family but we dont count !
I dont work during the school hols so at least I'm at home.

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aVinddallusions · 06/02/2011 22:43

Re the school Sharon, have you asked for a copy of their antibullying policy? if not get a copy and go through it and highlight anything of interest that they should be doing as your DD is being bullied. If that doesn't work then you need to follow their own guidelines with regards complaining about how they are handling the bullying.

Original poster

sharon2609 · 07/02/2011 16:17

I've done that....been into the school today
AGAIN....have been told that another girl has complained about the same girls being nasty to her. Teacher got her and my daughter together for a chat. DD has come home in a much better mood...I think she now feels she's not alone. School are going to get all girls together and say that any more complaints about them and severe (?) action will take place.

DD still needs to sort out behaviour at home and she saw counsellor today who went through some ways for her to control herself.

Def seems to be a case of DD feeling alone as she is very much happier this afternoon.

What is it with kids and being so nasty.?

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notsweatingthesmallstuff · 07/02/2011 20:04

Sharon, i am feeling for you as I went through so much of this with dd1. Girls can be terribly cruel to each other and I remember the pain of seeing my own child hurting so much. Like your daughter she often took it out on me (though not physically). But the fact that she is still communicating with you positively on some level, e.g doing your hair, is very positive. One thing my daughter said years later was that she was sometimes frustrated when i kept trying to make suggestions on how she could resolve it, as it made her feel that i thought it was partly her fault.Maybe you can bear this in mind and not make my mistakes!

Original poster

sharon2609 · 07/02/2011 21:03

Yes you are right...I do keep telling her what I think she should say/do and she just gets more angry. It has made a massive difference in that another girl is having the same troub;w with this group of girls. I think she feels less alone now.

Cross with the school that they have said today that they didn't realise it was so bad....WHat do they think I've been saying all this time???

DD is like a different child tonight.

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SecondhandRose · 08/02/2011 20:57

Really hoping things will slowly improve. Girls are mental torture. Keep talking to her. I know with my Ds that he has to be in a certain mood before we can talk. So maybe say to dd i need to talk when would be a good time for us to sit down.

Sounds like she needs a friend who is unrelated to school.

For your own piece of mind i would talk to the other mum just to share experiences more than anything. Not to park the blame anywhere or to talk about the other girls just to talk about your feelings.

I have said to my dd recently does she know i have feelings too and i hurt just as much as she does.

Dd is currently on a netbook ban which got extended until friday as she broke the ban by updating her facebook acount - silly girl!

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