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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Another bloody drama

98 replies

sharon2609 · 28/01/2011 23:09

Having big trouble with nearly13 year old DD. She has been grounded for the last couple of weeks for swearing, running away, awful behaviour etc. Allowed her to go ice skating with her friend this eve after long chat about respect blah blah. Her friends mother offered to pick them up after. Got a call from the mother asking if I had heard/knew where my DD was. I said no I hadn't. Friends mother went into ice rink and hauled my DD out. Apparently DD had said she'd make her own way home (I dont think so). She hadn't spent any time skating with her friend, who had spent the eve crying in the loos. My daughter had spent most of the night skating with a boy from their school. Friends mother read her the riot act (which I have no problem with). What do I do??? Nothing seems to sink in with DD. She just doesn't seem to learn.
Any advice...I feel numb from it all.

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 18:21

I dont think changing schools will solve anything. DD has to learn to manage relationships in a civil,kind and decent way.

You are completely correct in that I have lost control of all of this.

I am able to talk to the ice rink mum, but as she heard a totally different story of the nights events from her daughter she said that my DD has burnt all her bridges with her . I invited her and her DD round to try and resolve things . She said she would come round but didn't turn up.

I feel like getting all the girls together and reading them all the riot act. I think that a lot of this behaviour comes from watching soap operas...They dont seem happy unless in the middle of some sort of drama.

I want to tell them that this is having an awful affect on my life and how dare they do that to me (sorry ranting now)

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LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 18:24

You poor thing. Is there any one teacher thsat you can get on side?

Are you sure that changing schools wouldnt help? Even if your DD did resolve to change her ways then it would be impossible for her to stand up to such strong characters in her peer group. Turning against them, which she would have to do if she was going to change her ways, would be social suicide.

Maybe she wants to change, but can't. I think at 13 its more important what your friends think of you than your mum. Regretably.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 18:31

I agree LadyT. She has said she'd rather sort out things with friends than with me.
I have talked to her pastoral teacher and head of year..very nice ladies but just said this is normal for girls. It may be normal but surely it's not right.
I will go in AGAIN tomorrow at the risk of them seeing me as a moaning mum. I'm not even trying to say to them that my daughter is the innocent in all this (although she's taking the brunt at the mo)I think the're all as bad as each other. Surely as adults we can gang up and get them sorted.

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LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 18:35

How sad that they don't seem bothered to teach these girls this is not normal!!! I know teachers are busy but god they're locoparentus aren't they. They shouldnt allow this to go on.

Yes I think parents do have a lot of power at school, if you are a gang rather than one mum.

Would you be embarrassed to hand leaflets round inviting people to an informal meeting about these problems? you might be surprised at how many other mums are worried about the same thing, right now.

RumourOfAHurricane · 30/01/2011 18:37

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 18:50

If I assert myself and keep following her til she does doesn't do as I tell her, then all hell breaks loose...screaming and yelling at me. I have tried to physically take phone off her but it turned into a fight she lashed out at me with fists and feet.
I am scared that if this happens again I will hit her and hit her and hit her.

Good idea about getting other parents on side as I know that other mums have been into school about this sort of thing.

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purplepidjin · 30/01/2011 18:53

If this is seen as "normal" in her group of friends, could you support her to be the strong one who stands up to the bullies? That would be a huge boost to her confidence especially if there were others also on the edge of the group who felt the same way - maybe you could identify her with the suffragettes, or Martin Luther King/Nelson Mandela in standing up for what is fair and right against oppression. I know that sounds totally melodramatic, but teenagers do thrive on drama and crisis even though they don't really have a clue how to handle it. It's how they learn to deal with the bigger things like bereavement, moving out etc.

Her first move would be to speak privately to one or two other girls in the same position in the group as her. Get them onside, then identify further targets. The ringleaders can only do this to people because the group "lets" them; if they form a new group where that behaviour is not acceptable, they will be seen as the "nice" ones and gain popularity.

If she doesn't already, how about a club outside of school - youth club, guides, martial arts, drama - somewhere she can make friends with people because they have common interests, not because they're stuck in a classroom together all day?

LadyTremaine · 30/01/2011 18:53

Definitely do that then... the parents meeting thing.

Shiney is right, it is a control thing. But I think once it's been lost, its hard to just simply demand it back.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 18:58

Excellent idea Purple. I try and tell her to be strong,,ignore them,tell them she doesn't care what they think and brazen it out but she just doesn't have the strength.
She goes ice skating,we go together aswell on a monday night, but most of the children ffrom the school go too. She has tried scouts and st johns but didn't stick it out as not seen as cool.

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 19:36

Now another predicament...she refuses to go to school tomorrow...But cant leave her at home alone as last time she was alone she had 16 year old boy round.. I cant have day off work as I have a clinic list to do..... Oh god...feel like running away Sad

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RumourOfAHurricane · 30/01/2011 19:49

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 19:55

I have told her she HAS to go ..it's illegal to miss school, she'll make things worse etc.
but still adamant she's not going. Only way is to physically force her into the car which is impossible.I am on waiting list for family counsellor which the school is meant to be arranging

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RumourOfAHurricane · 30/01/2011 19:59

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 20:02

Have talked about her being made to go to a 'special' school if she refuses her normal school. Have talked about her being taken into care and living outside the area....no reaction

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 20:06

I will have to go to the school.... I really really need expert outside help....The school don't see it as that big a worry and I'm sure there are other children with worse problems.But to me this is an awful situation that I'm trying to put a halt to.

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purplepidjin · 30/01/2011 20:18

Phone Social Services and tell them she is refusing? Pre-empt any "unwanted" involvement iyswim.

If she is refusing due to the bullying, your GP may be able to refer her to CAMHS to help her deal with the issues.

The school will have an EWO (Education Welfare Officer) who has specific responsibility for finding out why kids aren't going in - can you contact them in the morning and get their help?

All the above will put enormous pressure on the school to resolve the real issues, which is their lack of responsibility for tacklling bullying. Not terribly helpful tomorrow, but might be quite useful in the long term Smile

ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 20:19

She said her behaviour at home would be better if she was happy at school. Which I can understand but still doesn't make it right.

I would let your dd know that the above is a really stupid idea - why if school is trouble do you want that at home aswell - at least if there is trouble at home a sanctury at home with mum would be far better than shit in both courts.

You have my sympathy - teens girls can be so awful and on your own it can be a f*cking nightmare. I do understand.

For the going to school I would phone them if she is refusing to go and ask them to send the truancy officer first thing - no hiding away from it she needs to go to school and no your not a walk over. Perhaps phone though when she is out of ear shot and don't tell her what you are doing. Even if it means you leave the house with her in it and phone the truancy officer and tell them where she is.

On another note her self esteem, self worth is really at rock bottom, asking what is available to help with that. Does you dd enjoy art or sports?

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 20:26

Thankyou for all your comments...they all make sense x Dont suppose any of you want to come stay with us !!!

I am going to phone social services tomorrow.
I will go in/phone school also...how do i get hold of EWO? I seem always to get through to pastoral teacher,who is very nice but she's the one who thinks all this is normal.

I have no problem getting truancy officer round so will do that.

Ivykaty I agree her S/Esteem isn't good..have suggested every club going but she's not interested. Her sole focus is her friends and being part of the group.

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ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 20:28

sharon - just remember you are not a failure. Also know your dd is her own person and you can guide her, but you can not make her choices for her only she can do that.

Ok so clubs are not for her.

Do you work at weekends? I know you haven't got any other dc, do you have a car?

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 20:31

OOOOh have just googled CAMHS...we have been there before...I have been trying to get help for us both for years (literally). I have known something has been amiss with her/our relationships. Our Gp referred us there. We went to first appointment and was told that our problem didn't fit into their criteria and were sent away.

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 20:31

I dont work weekends and yes I do have a car.

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ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 20:39

No idea where you live and not asking.

I would be looking at driving somewhere like snowdan and giving her a pair of walking boots out the boot of the car and some warm clothes and saying - right we are goign to walk up this mt.

Or driving to exmoor and doing the same/similar.

then progressing to using a compass and map reading.

Then you have time away in rough clothes no one knows her - youth hostel at exford is great overnight stop.

Bit cold yet but camping wild, adventure like stuff to try to bring her out of herslef and actually have a good time away from her friends - the real her. I wonder if the friends poo poo the clubs? Peer pressure not to do such sissy stuff Sad

Taking it further with wall climbing

Trying to rack my brains with challenging things to do and not just for your dd but for you to so she can see you are willing to try.

I was limited with stuff like this as I have 6 years between mine.

JannerBird · 30/01/2011 20:46

Do you have a Family Mediation Service in your area? In a previous job I referred teenagers and their parent(s) to this service when their relationships had broken down.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 20:52

That sounds great. Back to basics type stuff.
You are correct in saying that peer pressure has put her off clubs...Like I say she did go to scouts and st johns ambulance...but left both. IMO all kids should be made to go to clubs. All this wandering about in town together isn't constructive. I say on a weekly basis..'what about drama/netball/volleyball club..but falls on deaf ears.
I like the idea of a bit of walking...just the 2 of us with no other distractions. I f I give her the responsibility of guiding us it might boost her confidence...you are brilliant xx

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 20:53

Jannerbird... I think this is what the school is trying to set up for us,but long waiting list

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