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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Another bloody drama

98 replies

sharon2609 · 28/01/2011 23:09

Having big trouble with nearly13 year old DD. She has been grounded for the last couple of weeks for swearing, running away, awful behaviour etc. Allowed her to go ice skating with her friend this eve after long chat about respect blah blah. Her friends mother offered to pick them up after. Got a call from the mother asking if I had heard/knew where my DD was. I said no I hadn't. Friends mother went into ice rink and hauled my DD out. Apparently DD had said she'd make her own way home (I dont think so). She hadn't spent any time skating with her friend, who had spent the eve crying in the loos. My daughter had spent most of the night skating with a boy from their school. Friends mother read her the riot act (which I have no problem with). What do I do??? Nothing seems to sink in with DD. She just doesn't seem to learn.
Any advice...I feel numb from it all.

OP posts:
JannerBird · 30/01/2011 20:55

Google 'Geo-caching' and see if that floats your boat.

ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 21:06

no - I just remember wanting to just pack the car when she was at school on a friday and pick her up from school and - drive, to late to say oh but now or can't be bothered.

it was all done and no turning back - you can both escape for a few weekends.

great idea about giving her the map. Give her all the food and a receipe and see if she can cook to - then you wash up?

remember small steps though and keep doing the small steps

YHA

fab walk and when you look backward at the top of the first hill the view is wonderful and you can't hear a sound. Good tea shop in simonsbath for the end of the walk - walking boots could be needed. certainly take a map you will need it - a good part on the second half is wlaking just across a couple of fields and you see a house at one point with no roads going to it!

not sure if that floats your boat but soemthing for you to htink on

ask in camping for other ideas if it is to far

purplepidjin · 30/01/2011 21:08

How about streetdance? My local council-run recreation centre does classes, and loads of the gcse dance students from the big secondary next door go Grin There is absolutely no way on this planet that that is uncool!

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 21:10

Sounds great fun. and def team building type stuff.I've just mentioned going paint balling together and there was a flicker of interest so might be on to something.

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 21:11

Purple..street dance also sounds a good idea.

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ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 21:16

Certainly activities away from school in a positive enviroment, after the ice skating fiasco though I would be keen to be close on hand without being a embaressing

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 21:17

Just mentioned street dance to her but she said no as doesn't want to go alone. Did try dance classes ages ago but she just stood on one side and wouldn't join in as too shy.

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 21:27

Still refusing school though.. Will go down the social services route. Has anyone had dealings with them..I'm scared as have heard bad reports. Will they jump to conclusions and take her away? Will they be any help ?

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 21:29

Will they get her dad involved...very worried about him knowing because all he does is reinforce to me what a failure I am.

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ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 21:41

Do you have to get ss involved? can you call the school and get the truancey officer involved without ss being called in? or am I missing wise advice further up - sorry if I am

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 21:44

I really dont know the best agency to call. So i thought i'd call them all!! Although this may end up being counter productive. What do you think?

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SoSweet · 30/01/2011 21:50

To get her to go to school tomorrow maybe offer a bribe of a takaway or renting a dvd if she goes. Then call the school to see if she can change class for at least part of the day.
You sound very positive and open to ideas given on here - try and give the same impression to her - she must have inherited some of your good points!

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 21:54

The only thing that will get her there she says is if the girls are nice to her..so no to the bribery..worth a go though Smile. I'm trying to stay positive but feel very wobbily.

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ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 22:15

hmm though funny the calling them all to avoid not knowing which one will owrk - not to sure that it will work.

i woudl possibly sleep - I know try to get it out of your head, then get up as just as you always do and go to the routine - then get out the house and call the school and truancy officer -see what the school say when you tell them you can't manage to get her to school - then take things form there.

Stay calm, think about the cameras watchng you and then stay calm some more

Original poster
sharon2609 · 30/01/2011 22:20

That sounds like a good plan. Nothing i can do right this minute. The school must know the procedure so i'll tell them whats happened and leave it to them. To be honest i feel like handing it over to someone else.

Note to self ..remember not to skip round my room naked as dont want fly on wall cameras to see me Wink

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ivykaty44 · 31/01/2011 07:27

Hope you had a decent nights sleep and all goes okish this morning

happygolucky0 · 31/01/2011 19:32

She is a bright girl!! (swopping the phones).
Understand what you mean about it looking like you are agreeing to her having sex by putting her on the pill. Not sure what the best thing to do is. I am sure their are plenty of Mums with teens girls on here who do know.
Maybe you could get some condoms and leave them in the bathroom or something (maybe I am totally wrong and thats jsut a boy thing?? Could chat about STIs and the importance of being protected. Doesn't make it right to go and have sex but you are giving her information ect.
How long as she been like this? Has she just started secondary school ( last Sept)?

cyrilsneer · 03/02/2011 08:22

No magic wand here but just a little message to let you know I'm thinking of you, Sharon, and hoping for positive things and an upturn for you.

Shodan · 03/02/2011 08:35

Would she consider a martial art? The karate club I belong to has a family atmosphere, you could go together? I know of at least one 'difficult' young lady in our club who has improved in leaps and bounds partly because of the input from her instructor. I believe that MAs are seen as quite 'cool' (old fogey who doesn't know the in lingo emoticon here). Very good for making friends and for discipline.

I'm afraid I have no other advice for you but am wishing you well.

GypsyMoth · 03/02/2011 08:47

Ss will do very little. My dd is similar to yours, but worse. Worse in we have violence, police involvement and almost a school exclusion. She has spent 2 nights in police cells within a 5 week time frame.

Finally got a ss referral which I had to push and push for. Social worker was pretty much 'seen it all before' normal then to be going berserk with a knife and threatening my other dc with lighters, and punching them. Fine for these other dc to live like this then? Apparently so. Someone will need to get hospitalised in this house through dd violence before ss will take notice..... And even then, to do what?? No funding. Funds cut. No budget.

Sharon, my gp prescribed the pill to dd to attempt to calm hormones. Counselling in place dd refusing. Caf report in school? Ask for one.

I think school in your case need to be doing alot more . Good luck!!

Original poster
sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 10:03

Update....My phone line has been cut by the gas board so had to wait for BT to come and mend it. Very difficult week, DD smashed the kitchen up... broken drawers etc, she also smashed my mobile and the home phone...torn photos up and then set about me. I ran to a friends house. On our return we saw the devastation and my friend called the police. DD was nearly arrested for criminal damage. Police were excellent. The copper even called round the follwing day to make sure DD had gone to school...she hadn't. Went to my GP mainly for help for me...he just said that she is from a broken home so this behaviour is to be expected. No help for me. School have finally referred us to some sort of family mediaion centre. DD unrepentant and still has awful attitude towards me...wont do homework etc.

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maryz · 05/02/2011 12:29

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maryz · 05/02/2011 12:34

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Original poster
sharon2609 · 05/02/2011 13:07

Hi Maryz. Thankyou so much for your support and advice. It all makes sense but not easy to implement as I feel so emotional...so you are right I must distance myself. I agree that just dishing out punishment with no reward is not the best way forward. I am trying to switch tact and reward her for good things. I have said that if she is a good girl today, she can go out for a while tomorrow, although she says she has no one to go out with as still having trouble with the girls at school.
I am trying to do small things to re connect with her...so I'm sitting here with hair in rollers which DD has put in (I'll probably look like the queen mother ,but least of my worries in the scheme of things).
She is seeing a YMCA counsellor on monday so hope that helps.

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maryz · 05/02/2011 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.