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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

5 day exclusion

54 replies

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 10:38

My daughter(12 next month) is in her 2nd term at senior school and now this!

She had been taking her phone into school and taking photos, I know a big no, no.She then posted those school photos on her FB page and a mum of one of her friends saw them
and complained to the school.My daughter was hauled out of class, made to offer up her phone, they asked her if she had been messaging(she has a BB) and saw she had, then they asked her to get her FB page up, they looked at the photos and she has been in isolation since Tuesday.Her exclusion starts today.She has been so, so silly and I feel awful as I fought with her so hard for her not to take her phone in but every one of her friends and practically the whole year does this so it has been hard.I know, and expect to get berated as I have been a weak mum but I'd like to ask how you go against the tide of normalness as this is what it is.The school obviously has a no phones in school policy which isn't working and I see it as a real problem, my daughter wants to fit in as every 11 yr old girl would, and taking in her phone is part of this fitting in.
A cautionary message too mums and dad's , we have had the police involved as DD took some photos in the girl's loos in school.They were innocent , of her two mates messing about in the cubicles, no siiting on the toilet shots, no up the skirt or knicker shots.We were so shocked as it can be interpreted as a malicious offence, which it wasn't and its a privacy issue because of where it is(toilets)and it could be viewed as sexual.She is 11, she went into the toilets because it was where she felt she wouldn't get caught, I know, I know, I know she shouldn't have had her phone.The school wanted it to be a criminal offense, I stress again she is 11, only 11! This whole thing has just scared me so much I was just so unaware.She has breached serious school rules regarding data protection is it? and its a child protection thing as she put photos onto a 3rd party or something site (FB) but all of her friends are doing the same .So I would say, check your child's photo album on FB.The police officer we saw, he had to do a home visit said that he would have to do something called a Merlin report and the social services are involved.

My DD doesn't seem to have really learnt, it is because before she hadn't been in any trouble, other than detentions for not doing her homework and that she is a bright girl she is getting the 5 days as it could be anything up to 45 days!!!!!She has a whole heap of homework which she is refusing to do, that will look really good won't it.
All I can do is tell her that no homework no lappy time or no phone messaging time.

has anyone else had this defiance over doing homework and how have they overcome it?

OP posts:

saveable · 28/01/2011 10:40

Why the hell does your 11 year old have a blackberry?

Stricnine · 28/01/2011 10:44

or Facebook .. thought it was 13 before you could sign up 'honestly'.

AMumInScotland · 28/01/2011 10:51

I think you need to take away her phone - if you can't trust her to obey the rules then she needs to have them enforced. If she really needs a phone with her then buy a really cheap one with no camera. She has to earn your trust to get the Blackberry back.

I would also ban her from Facebook for a month - I don't really think 11yo should be on there at all, and certainly not if they can't be trusted to obey simple rules.

You can't physically make her do the homework, but you can take away everthing else she could be spending this time doing - take away her laptop and phone, make sure she has no cash so can't go out anywhere, turn off the TV and stereo.

You have to make her understand this is serious.

I'd probably also try to write to the school saying that while you agree she did wrong and had to be punished, they need to look at the fact that lots of others are doing the same and clamp down on it all round.

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 10:52

She has a BB because all of her friends have them and the FB thing again, because everyone, practically in her year group has it.We held off on the BB for a long time and she wasn't taking it into school everyday like her friends were , she was only taking it in for 2 days but I can see she shouldn't even have had it for that.

It has happened now and we need to deal with the fallout but she will still need to go back and try and integrate back in with her friends who will all still be bringing in and using their BB's.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 28/01/2011 10:59

Well, she doesn't have to have the same as her friends. She now has the "excuse" that she got caught doing something really, really stupid and isn't allowed to bring it into school any more. Her friends might even learn something from that. And if they're the kind of "friends" who will tease her about not having a fancy phone, well she does have one just its at home. And if she gets teased for the results of having done something stupid, then that might teach her something too.

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 11:01

Thank you Amuminscotland.I am trying to make her see how serious this is.She won't be getting her phone back, up until then I thought she had been using it sensibly and we were making her turn it off at 9.30 every night.It was a battle not allowing her to take it in every day that is why we eventually came to the compromise of 2 days but not P.E days.

She will not be going anywhere as that is a treat, going out with friends.
I am sure she was aware that she shouldn't have been taking the photos but not of the posting them on FB thing but again, I know she shouldn't be on there.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 11:05

I agree.

I want to get her away from the friends she is with at the moment so this might help although they are all viewing the exclusion as cool which it certainly isn't.

It is hard for DD as you can't just go with another group as they all seem to be established in their friendship groupings the 2nd term in.

OP posts:

saveable · 28/01/2011 11:06

I wouldn't care if all her friends have the same. You are the parent and you make the rules. I am that she has access to facebook and a blackberry at that age. I'm afraid you need to step up and lay dwn the law. YOu appear to have been far too blase

Butterbur · 28/01/2011 11:08

I agree that getting the police involved etc is complete overkill where it's a bunch of 11yo kids messing around. The fact that it was in the toilets is neither here nor there.

But I think you're mad to let her have a Blackberry and Facebook (which is the work of the devil) at 11. DD, aged 12, has neither. When I found she had set up a FB page ( I monitor the websites they are visiting), I made her delete it, and changed tha password. She had posted a photo of herself with the "Facebook pout",and said she was 15. The whole effect was inadvertantly far too sexual.

And you sound very relaxed about lots of detentions for not doing her homework. If any of mine had even one detention for that, I would be on their backs like a ton of bricks.

herbietea · 28/01/2011 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

maryz · 28/01/2011 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 11:22

Herbietea, yes I have been at home shortly after she came in.She did relax for a bit, have something to eat, watch a bit of telly and then the nagging over the doing the homework would begin.She would do it eventually, not to the standard I would like but she would do it.She doesn't do anything until she has done it.I have been in touch with the school, I do find her attitude about school and over homework to be a great concern.The school have not helped me.She just digs her heels in and will not do it, we take stuff away from her and she just gets worse.She doesn't have that much, compared to her friends and it just seems like a horrible vicious circle that goes around and around.

You might think it a limp excuse but it is the truth, she has been teased relentlessly because of it, she doesn't have friends home because she has a 1/3rd of what they have and I know she is not making it up and she is embarrased.

OP posts:

mummytime · 28/01/2011 11:28

DCs school doesn't have a no-phone rule but does have a total ban on the use of phone cameras in school. If all her friends have BB and use facebook, then they aren't the kind of friends you want her to have. You need to clamp down hard now, it will just get harder.

My DD (same age as yours) has had one detention (for not having a reading book on two occasions), my DS older has had 2 or 3 detentions for not doing homework in 4 years.

Does your DD have any idea how serious this all is? Or is there a lot of Bravado? Do you talk to her? Is there a strategy for her return to school?
Could you get her to mix more with "nice" children from primary school? Get her involved with useful/constructive extra-curricula activities, opportunities for her to help with animals or the disadvantaged?
Do you have a plan for what she is going to do during her exclusion?

Good luck!

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 11:29

Thank you maryz, your reply has made me cry.

We have done nothing BUT talk since this happened , you are right and we are using FB in this way and will eventually use her phone when she gets it back the same way.

It is a cautionary tale, we have never had ANY contact with the police I know they work in similar ways to the SS, the officer we saw called it restorative policing.My daughter has been really scared by all of this.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 28/01/2011 11:33

Sparrow I think you have posted here before about problems with your DD.

I'm going to be hard here

I'm afraid that you are still being far too weak - you are the parent, act like it.

There is absolutely no need for your DD to have a blackberry or facebook. Her social life will not end. My three are your DDs age and above and none have a blackberry. Only DD1 has a facebook acount and she is 15.

Detentions for not handing in homework is not normal. You are normalising and tolerating (and therefore facilitating) her bad behaviour.

If you need external help then go out and get it. If you do nothing then you are setting your daughter on a path which is unlikely to have happy results.

The visit by the police should be a wake up call to you all.

maryz · 28/01/2011 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 11:34

Hi mummytime, the whole exclusion thing poses a problem.I am at home today but I am at Uni for 3 of the days she will be excluded next week and they expect 100% attendance, it's a headache as I started my course just this week when it all kicked off and have missed hours already and been late twice.

It is definately bravado but also she does know how serious it is as I keep telling her.

OP posts:

maryz · 28/01/2011 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 11:40

GnomeDePlume I agree, detentions for not doing homework is not normal, she has had 3 since the end of October and I think it is 3 too many!

OP posts:

Blu · 28/01/2011 11:41

I don't understand agreeing that a child can break school rules 2 days a week.
You have given her the impression that rules are negotiable and stretchable.
Tell her that this was wrong, take possession of the BB thorughout the week and close down her FB account until she is 13.

Also, it is probably nonsense that ALL the other girls have ohones in school - especially BBs and the like. Take no notice. She is spinning you a line. If she can't be popular fo herself, tell her there is no value in being popular for a gadget.

ivykaty44 · 28/01/2011 11:43

Op this must be awful for you, fitting in at school when your aged 11 is so imprtant and what your dd must see now is that everyone else is doing this and yet she is being punished for the same things they are doing and not being punished.

that is going to be really hard as how will punishments go if there is such unfairness?

My dd2 started secondary this year and is allowed to take her phone to school and they are allowed to take photogarpahs - no ban. I have seen photo from her school and the other local school which bans all mobile phone usage and noth schools have photos on facebook in the girls loo's- you can see the mirror...

My older dd1 is legally allowed in pubs and they have photos on their facebook from pub nights out and the girls are in the loo's

I had no idea it was an offence?

I wouldn't go to hard on her, sort out rules with your dd and why they are there and then try to get her to know it is easy to stick to them

ivykaty44 · 28/01/2011 11:45

blu it does seem that a lot of dc at secondary do have bb - i was shocked when my dd realed of a list of dc with them at school, she has a different phone anyway. Lots of materialistic things to think about

Original poster

sparrowwatcher44 · 28/01/2011 11:45

maryz we have no-one, no family, no grandparents no-one.My friend might be able to have her for some of the day on two days and it looks like my husband might have to take one day off.

OP posts:

Blu · 28/01/2011 11:49

My 6 neices and nephews in secindary d not, neither does my neighbour's secondary school child....it may be comon, but it isn't compulsory, and as a parent I'm not going to have y parenting decisions made by another 11 yar old!

Where are people's backbones?

Half of DS's friends do not have DS's - despite the constant call of 'but everyone has ine'. They are well, happy and have loads of friends. The lack of a DS or wii or other device has not ruined their lives.

A 5 day exclusion, however, may well have a significant effect on a child's life.

Either we prioritise, as parents, what is RIGHT, or we write our children off.

maryz · 28/01/2011 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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