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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I have done something mean and wicked

152 replies

ScreamEagle · 09/10/2005 16:10

Have nagged her for months and months about putting her dirty washing in the laundry basket. Have threatened lots of times not to do it if it isn't in there....

So her school uniform is still in a heap on her bedroom floor where she chucked it on Friday evening along with at least 8 pairs of dirty knickers and socks and numerous other items of clothing.

Thing is, come tomorrow morning she will have no school uniform which is clean. Shall I remind her so I can wash it in time? Or, (as I am inclined to do) leave it and let her wear dirty, crumpled uniform to school?

OP posts:
Blu · 10/10/2005 16:08

But Custy, teenage girls ARE 'woe is me' - they really feel it! They can't help it, it comes with New Bodyform and text-induced-repetitive-strain-injuries. It isn't any less 'real' a phase than pg induced hormones or pnd!
Can't you remember wht it was like??

Milliways · 10/10/2005 16:10

My DD has the standard pile of clothes on floor at night, which 99% of time get put in laundry basket the next day. However, she stores her knickers behind a cupboard because "I don't like seeing them on the floor"! Then forgets to put them in laundry, & wonders why she has no clean ones as I now refuse to collect them from her. Luckily, she has some old ones that she hates that do for the day, & I get a heap of knickers in the laundry next day.

If packed lunch boxes are not washed up, they have to have school dinners (they hate them).

Mum2girls · 10/10/2005 16:12

SE - this whole thread has been hilarious and an education for us mums of teenage girls-to-be!

Blu · 10/10/2005 16:13

MY knickers are in an unwashed heap on the bedroom floor, too!

misdee · 10/10/2005 16:13

noooo i'm gonna have this 3 times over arent i?

binkie · 10/10/2005 16:24

GeorginaA .. I can't really claim the idea of wipeable tick list as mine - it appeared on one of those regular "Au Pair Despair" threads. There's clearly an overlap between those threads and this!

GeorginaA · 10/10/2005 16:39

Hey, I don't care binkie - the idea is shamelessly nicked now

Baronessbeetroot · 10/10/2005 17:38

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majorstress · 10/10/2005 18:16

Well this is all to come for me but I have to suggest a list in a sheet protector and a dry wipe marker pen (probably already on one of my favorite Au Pair Misery threads). It's easy to change the list if she needs to. Anyone can use this and lots of adults do, to just get the boring chores over with, apparently ticking things off a list gives you a little surge of endorphins I kid you not.

I had a talk to my dd1 last weekend about what she needed to do to get ready in the morning, (because the hassled nagging mornings are driving me nuts) and we wrote a list (5 vital items, and the end one is "activity" meaning something she wants to do, like draw or watch tv, to be done when the rest of the boxes are ticked). We put it in a plastic sheet protector and taped it to a cupboard in her room, with a dry-wipe marker on a string taped to the side. At bedtime I comment how well she did that day and we wipe it clean with a kleenex. It's now day 10 and she is still enthused and doing it, mostly on her own. Mornings have been greatly improved, I just say have you done your list if she wants to do something other than get ready for school.

It may have helped that I have one for myself in the kitchen, although I never actually tick anything off and now someone has run off with the pen (probably dh). DD1 pities me often.

DD1 is 5. But many adults use lists too...

mears · 10/10/2005 18:38

ScreamEagle - I would not write back to her but I would sit down and talk to her. Tell her much you love her but that you need her help to keep the house running. I find that when I put on my 'kindly mummy' voice then the kids open up some more. Her note says to me she wants to talk to you. She knows she is messy but she doesn't know how to make it better. What age is she and your other children?
DH and I got mine to get together and draw up their own list of chores. Initially DH had drawn it up for them but that didn't work. We asked them to sort it out to be more workable. Don't get me wrong, they still need reminding (yelled at) but they do understand why we need help to keep the house in order.
A friend of mine has given her kids each 2 cloured boxes fron Ikea. One for dirty washing and one for clean. They put their own clothes in the wash when they have a load and then they iron it. I am considering doing that myself.
Come to some agreement about how she is going to keep on top of things. Remind her of the benefits - no nagging for a start
It's mind exhausting having teenagers isn't it?

MrsWobble · 10/10/2005 18:47

I had a similar problem with dh when we first got married. I was fed up with being the only one to do any washing so I stopped after working out that I had more clothes than him. One morning he went to get dressed for work, couldn't find any shirts so got the ironing board out and moaned about having to iron one - only to then find there were no clean unironed shirts either. He had to go to work via a shop and then change in the gents - he's been really good at monitoring the laundry bin ever since.

Original poster
ScreamEagle · 10/10/2005 22:29

I am going to re-read this thread as there have been some fab suggestions and tips for helping her get organised. Thanks to everyone for their brill ideas.

I took the opportunity of keeping her at the table after we had finished dinner. To cut a long story short, she knows she is messy, she knows she is disorganised, what she doesn't know is how on earth to organise herself and then stay organised. In the past we have done the chores list (devised by me and also devised by all the kids contributions at different times). They work for the older boys aged 9 and 11 but not for dd (14 next month). dd starts off well but gradually declines.

So I have suggested a total rethink on how we can specifically help her to achieve a level of tidiness/cleanliness that is acceptable to us both. First off, I have insisted for the next 2 weeks she does all her own washing, drying and ironing. I hope this will make her realise what a chore it really is and then she will be less likely to leave piles and piles of it on her floor. Well, you can hope can't you? Second, together we will make a priority list of chores to stick on her bedroom wall - I love the idea of a laminated tick chart - brill idea. Laundry basket in her room is the next thing. Getting her to put dirty stuff in it is another challenge altogether!

I made us a cup of tea this evening, we sat together and watched the telly, talked about everything except dirty washing (!) and had a big hug before she went to bed. And a conversation that went like this:

Me: Love you.
dd: Love you too mum.
Me: Love you more.
dd: No I love you more.
Me: Bet you don't.
dd: Do. Cos I love you to the moon and back.

Gotta go now 'cos I've got tears in my eyes and can't see the screen properly......

OP posts:
mears · 10/10/2005 22:39

Aw that is lovely

Can I add that my eldest DS used to drive me crazy - he was at his worst as a 14-17yr old. He is now 18 and has transformed into a lovely caring boy.

I am going through the crappy 14+ stage with my other two DSs. DD is 12 years old and will soon enter that phase. I am hoping it will be easier as each one goes through it.

recommended reading from a mumsnetter to me

jules27 · 11/10/2005 15:30

I have two teenage girls and having just read through the whole of this story , realise that i can be too hard on them somedays and too easy on them on the others. I think it has to be with teenagers ,just keep the rules the same ,but remember that they are going through a tough times and bend them occassionally ( the rules not the teenagers)

QueenVictoria · 11/10/2005 16:01

Loved reading this thread! Last bit SE made me a bit teary too! Awwwww.

Beetroot · 11/10/2005 16:03

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Trickorflum · 11/10/2005 23:51

ahhhhh.

I was her when I was 14. My mum did everything to try and make me tidy/clean. Including taking all my out of school clothes and make-up and stuff and boxing it up and putting it in the roof until I could keep my room tidy.

Room full of more junk by a weeks time!!

I am now 32 and a bit better. Still inherently messy but I manage to get over my slothdom about every 3 days and chuck all the clothes through the washing machine.

Its tough to be like this, I would love to be tidy.

Keep working on her!!!

tigermoth · 12/10/2005 05:22

ahh, what a lovely thread! I have great faith in that laundry box in the bedroom idea I know, I know, I am an eternal optimist! Still that and the talking with her seems the way to go.

In the future, if you ever need to get harder, you could tell your dd that if she doesn't do her washing now as agreed, she will also have to do a load of family washing, and then iron it for everyone. If my 11 year old son refuses to do his own tidying up or chores, I sometimes say he will have to do family chores, as well as his own, if he doesn't hurry up.

He has a lazy, disorganised streak to him, but also likes some types of chores - cooking especially. So I accept a trade off. He does lots of family cooking at the weekend, which really helps me out, while I tidy his room. Could you and your dd do a similar trade off? Are there any family chores and responsibilities she would take on in exchange for you doing her washing?

Original poster
ScreamEagle · 12/10/2005 12:16

dh and me have different ideas about how to handle this problem with dd.

I have put a laundry basket in her bedroom. My thinking is if it's at least in the basket it's not on the floor. Meeting dd half way was my thinking.

However, dh is opposed to "making her life easy and letting her off the hook", which he thinks I am doing by giving her the basket. I disagree and think it is at least worth a shot for a few weeks to see if there is any improvement.

Opinions oh wise mumsnetters?

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 12/10/2005 12:20

I think giving her a laundry basket is an excellent idea - you're not making her life "easy", you're doing something to make it easier for her to organise herself. There's a difference.

KBear · 12/10/2005 12:30

SE - men see things differently as we all know, they only do black and white and rarely see that often the grey works best! Mum's know best, tell him I said!

crunchie · 12/10/2005 12:44

I agree with you, having the laundry basket in her room is a good idea. You an she sat down o discuss how you could make things better for her. She realsies her faults which is grown up, but as a child she cannot see teh solution. Whatyou are doing is offering her a way to help HER be more organised. Perhaps you could add in (in a few weeks once the basket is being used)that you will NOT collect the clothes from the basket, and that she needs to bring them down on a Friday/Saturday.

You have set the first few tasks, and once these are OK you will need to set a few more. If it is pitched to her that you are helping her become an adult/more independant by teaching her how to do housework (and to teach your sons) then she maybe more up for it?

I only have a 6 yr old and a 4 yr old, so what do I know!! But this year (jewish new year) we have a new resolution to teach the kids to tidy around the house and be a bit responsible for their own rooms. Or no pocket money. They also know they can earn extra pocket money by doing additional things. Seems to work so far, but we are only one week in.

muma3 · 12/10/2005 16:35

i lived on my own since i was 14 due to mum working away and denieing my exsistence so i basically looked after my self and i now like things to be clean and tidy at all times and thats with 3 under 8 !! she could do her own room if she wanted to, but if someone else is doing it !?!?!

NettiSulvetti · 12/10/2005 17:00

I think putting a laundry basket in her room is a good idea - but I also think she should be doing her own laundry at this age, as she should start becoming responsible for herself. Of course I only say this as it was how I was brought up, but I can't say it's made me very clean or tidy as an adult!

lovecloud · 12/10/2005 17:34

What is it about hanging up your school uniform, i just never got the hang of it, kind of felt like it was taking up too much of my time like having to pull the quilt up over your bed... im getting tired thinking about it.

she sounds like your average teenager