Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

I have done something mean and wicked

152 replies

ScreamEagle · 09/10/2005 16:10

Have nagged her for months and months about putting her dirty washing in the laundry basket. Have threatened lots of times not to do it if it isn't in there....

So her school uniform is still in a heap on her bedroom floor where she chucked it on Friday evening along with at least 8 pairs of dirty knickers and socks and numerous other items of clothing.

Thing is, come tomorrow morning she will have no school uniform which is clean. Shall I remind her so I can wash it in time? Or, (as I am inclined to do) leave it and let her wear dirty, crumpled uniform to school?

OP posts:

Monstersmum · 10/10/2005 12:08

Me too! What happened??!!

kath4kids · 10/10/2005 12:09

Screameagle have you not survived the morning?

Did it shrink and she's subsequently blamed you coz it's all your fault of course!

ThomBat · 10/10/2005 12:49

How was she this morning? And how are you ScreamEagle?

moondog · 10/10/2005 14:05

Clap.....clap...clap......clap......

Come out QE wherever you are!

Original poster

ScreamEagle · 10/10/2005 14:21

Wow! I've made the homepage - woohoo!

So you want an update then?

Back in a mo....

OP posts:

Caligula · 10/10/2005 14:23

Ooh tell us, tell us!

Original poster

ScreamEagle · 10/10/2005 14:36

Ok here goes then, I'll put you out of your misery!

After she had sat watching tv having forgotten her chore of swweping up, and then ambled her way up the stairs to her rooom to then sit on her bed to watch tv (tripping over pile of dirty washing on the way), I decided it was time to kick some *rse.

I thundered up to her room demanding to know if she had anything to do. "Oh, err I need to make my sandwiches." "Anything else that you can think of?" "Um, dunno, don't fink so." "Get your tv off, get off your lazy *rse and get yourslef sorted out for school."

Within ten mins she had made her lunch for school and moved her school bags from where she had dumped them on Friday evening. Lunch box was going mouldy from being left all weekend.

Big discussion about always having to be reminded to do anything. Despite insisting she does do things, she couldn't give me one example of anything she had done all weekend unprompted. When I took ds4 to bed I looked in on her in her room - she had been crying. I still did the mean and wicked mum routine and demanded she buck her ideas up but said if she was upset and wanted to talk to me she could come down and we'd have a chat - no mention still of uniform and it wasn't til an hour later at about 10.15 she brought it down and put it in the machine. And she didn't want to talk; she left me a note which I found when I went up to bed.......

The uniform looked ok to me when she put it on but she was late leaving for school as she had to rush around getting it tumbled. She put her dirty shirt on then must have realised it was too smelly or too dirty 'cos next thing I heard she was asking her younger brother if she could borrow one of his!

OP posts:

katierocket · 10/10/2005 14:41

LOL at borrowing her younger brothers school shirt. What did the note say? (feel free to tell my to mind my own business!)

Original poster

ScreamEagle · 10/10/2005 14:42

btw - apart from the few bits she put in the machine last night, the pile of festering clothes is still on her floor.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScreamEagle · 10/10/2005 15:11

Here's the note she wrote. I would actually be grateful for any advice on how to deal with this. I personally think she is trying to make me feel sorry for her and therefore not be so hard on her....what do you make of this?

Dear mum and dad,

By the time you read this, i will probably have stopped crying although I still have the same feelings. I'm crying as I write this and Dad will probably be saying "She's pathetic" like he did earlier. I'm not pathetic, sometimes I have mixed feelings and I don't know what to do. Like now.

I'm useless, like mum implied earlier. Mum, you said, "XXX you can't do anything" and I'm sorry but I didn't hear the "without being reminded" part so that's probably why I took it that way. And I know I'm useless so you don't need to tell me. Ok, I have friends and family that (I think) love me very much but sometimes I feel left out sometimes even like i'm not wanted. I just need reassurance that people do love me and that I love them a lot in return.

This letter prob sounds really silly but I feel it's easier than talking. You can tell someone how you feel without getting interrupted.

Anyway I understand that I do need to be reminded about most things but does it really matter THAT much? Ok I guess it does.

Remember that I love you lots and always will.

p.s. sorry.

OP posts:

GeorginaA · 10/10/2005 15:20

SE: might it be worth sitting down with her and working out a system where she can remind herself? A calendar in her own room with set days for chores marked clearly on it... setting up an evening routine that she always checks the calendar and tries to do chores at a set time before relaxing (like just after dinner, or first thing from coming back from school?) That way you're not letting her off the hook but are trying to find ways to help her feel less "useless" if that's genuinely how she feels at the moment.

katierocket · 10/10/2005 15:24

Georgina's advice is good I think and also SE I would just say that she sounds like a lovely girl and obviously knows she is loved. Can you just sit her down and have a honest conversation, tell her again that you love her very much etc but that part of growing up is taking some responsibilty etc

compo · 10/10/2005 15:26

how old is she?

worriedfriend · 10/10/2005 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caligula · 10/10/2005 15:27

This would be my response:

Dear DD
Yes we all love you very much, but I still want you to put your dirty washing in the laundry, because that is what normal people do with their dirty clothes, whether they are loved or not. The only people who leave them on the floor, are those who either know that someone else is going to pick them up for them, or those who are so untidy that it makes their life very inconvenient. Unless you can persuade your father or your brother to pick your clothes up for you, for the forseeable future you are not going to be one of the former group, so if you don't want to be one of the latter, please try and remember to put your clothes straight in the laundry basket when you take them off dirty.

With all my love, as ever, Mummy.

Just one thing - would it be an idea to give her a laundry basket for her own room, for her own clothes? Then that way, the almost insurmountable effort of bringing her laundry to a different room in the house, might be overcome. And you'll also look like you're compromising and trying to help her out. (Which you are of course!)

binkie · 10/10/2005 15:30

It's quite a nice note. It isn't guilt-tripping you, and it's affectionate. I'd leave one back, that just says we love you to bits

and then sit down with her and do exactly what GeorginaA suggests. Maybe a laminated chart she can tick off (it's what I think I should do for my six year old - but for him it's teeth-brushing and have-you-got-your-trainers)

Misspiggy · 10/10/2005 15:30

Oh....brilliant thread! Aren't teenagers great?! I think someone may have mentioned this earlier in the thread but the way I have (kind of) solved this with my DS1 (15 yrs) whose bedroom was in danger of becoming a bio hazard what with 15 yr old lad's undies lying on top of cereal bowls with the remnants of (what I hope was) weetabix still in them, bed unchanged for 4 weeks (thought I'd leave it and see how long it was before it occurred to him that the bedding was minging and I'm sorry to say that I broke at 4 weeks and changed it, not him as he hadn't noticed a problem eeeee -ew!) etc etc. I introduced tick sheets (no....not "how many ticks can you count in your bed today") with 6 things on there that he has to do daily such as "open curtains and make bed", bring down any plates, glasses & cups on a daily basis, put dirty washing in basket not on floor and so on. I look at his room at 6pm every evening and he gets a cross for any of the items he hasn't done properly. Each cross means 50p off his £10 per week pockey money and it works like a dream. Every now and again it slips a bit but when it starts costing him money he soon gets back in line! I've done the same with his brother who is 9 and has mild ADHD and find that the list helps him focus and that the possibility of "fines" encourages him to make the effort to tidy up. (Must admit I'm a big softy really and let DS2 off loads but he is really proud if he gets a whole week of ticks!)

Caligula · 10/10/2005 15:31

Brilliant technique Misspiggy. I'm nicking that one.

Blu · 10/10/2005 15:33

I think that is exactly the kind of thing I would have done when I was 14, especially if i was a bit hormonal, as I was only just getting used to it all.
It was quite hard being 13 and 14 - very emotional and volatile.
I think lots of loving hugs with an emphatic reminder about how much you do (of course) love her, but an explanation about responsibility (whihc she seems to take a fair amount of if she does chores and makes her lunch), AND how hard it is from your point of view if you are forced to nag her when you'd rather be praising her.

Good luck.

ThomBat · 10/10/2005 15:35

oh bless her little teenage, grubby socks!
I think a hug from mum and a sit down chat telling her that she's your girl,m you love her, unconditionally BUT, and then talk to her about helping out and being responsible.
ohhh, you'll know what to say to your girl.

madmarchscare · 10/10/2005 15:36

I saw the tick chart/fines out of pocket money used with the most vile and horrid set of teenaage boys once and it really did work.

Tortington · 10/10/2005 15:39

awwwwww @ the note. my dd would have gone for the same "woe is me" tact too. lol

sandyballs · 10/10/2005 15:39

Ahh bless her. I also remember feeling very unloved and unwanted at that age, simply because my parents were trying to make me more "responsible", and rightly so. I remember my mum deciding that she wasn't going to get up in the morning and get my breakfast (this is at 15/16 ) and she started staying in bed but I was devastated and took it as her not caring and not being bothered. Seems bizarre now looking back.

GeorginaA · 10/10/2005 15:51

Ooo... like the wipeable board idea ... much better than my calendar Can I have one for my chores too?!

Mum2girls · 10/10/2005 15:57

Blimey sandyballs - I obviously came from the school of hard love. From the time I started secondary school, I got up, got my own breakfast (which was generally a fag in the back garden) then woke my mum up with a cup of coffee.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7