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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD thinks that I am being harsh and unreasonable, I hope I am not!!!

53 replies

mynaughtylittlesister · 09/10/2010 21:45

DD is 16, she has just started sixth form. She lives with DH, me and 2 other Sisters.

She does not get any EMA money which has really annoyed her, she is also cross with us about it!

She refuses to look for part time work as she has to study (fair enough) and she wants a social life too!

The chore that she does at home consists of emptying the clean dishwasher Monday - Friday. She feels that she does not need to do anything else, her words were she is not our slave!

I have become very firm in the last few weeks and have refused to give her any money apart from school trip yesterday. We will still pay for her phone as its on contract and the mobile hairdresser comes once a month.

She feels that she is so hard done by, she borrows the other 2DDs clothes, this I wouldn't mind if she cared for them but she doesnt and has ruined many of DD2 things. She does have nice clothes, but because she is so careless and her room is a pigsty (thats another thread!!!) Her things very rarely go to wash, so she looks for other peoples things to wear instead!

If you saw DD out in the town she looks immaculate, hair just so etc...

She is loved dearly but she is so down on us as a family as our living room furniture is old etc...

Although DD is not entitled to EMA, we cant get through to her that we are not rich! We made a bad choice in property a few yrs ago and managed to get negative equity, we had to move etc.. so our mortgage and out goings is huge on this place, and although we have sat her down and told her, she still holds it against us.

I have quite openly said that if she starts to do more around the house then we would find some pocket money for her. She will only half attempt a job and I will not pay. Also it will only last for a week or two then she forgets or starts to get mouthy and complains bitterly that the other 2DDs are doing nothing. The jobs I ask her to do are - hoovering through out downstairs

  • cook an occasional meal
  • help to change the beds
  • polish the living room
  • the airing cupboard
  • small amount of all the DDs ironing (non of mine or DHs)
  • cut the lawn
  • washing/hanging it out etc..

I would never expect her to do all these jobs in one week, but a two - three a week would be fab!

Sorry to go on, have no idea where to take this any further, on one hand she can be absolutely gorgeous, but then on the otherhand I want her to stand up and take a little bit of responsibility for her life and her consequences.

OP posts:
FerrisBueller · 09/10/2010 21:46

She's 16 tell her to ge a saturday job.

FerrisBueller · 09/10/2010 21:48

and she can also do all her own washing and ironing

HumphreyCobbler · 09/10/2010 21:48

I don't think you are harsh or unreasonable

I don't have a teen yet, so can't offer any experience to share, but wanted to say you sound very fair to me

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 09/10/2010 21:50

Ferris, I have told her time and again to get a Saturday job, even sorted her out with a CV.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 09/10/2010 21:51

Sounds like an awful, draining situation for you.

I don't have a teenager of my own (yet), and I'm sure some experienced mums will be along soon.

In the meantime, can I suggest you take a look at some of the video clips on here.

I've found their stuff for younger children very useful, and notice that there are videos on the 14-19yo section on money, family life, independence etc - so you might find some helpful ideas.

GypsyMoth · 09/10/2010 21:53

my dd is 16,gets full EMA

she is now facing the wrath of all her friends who dont get it!!!

so i can understand how she is feeling! its caused alot of strife...and my dd isnt as forthcoming with helping round the house now,as she has no need to do chores to earn her pocket money,oh no,she gets £30 in her bank each friday!! and her former chores remain undone!!

bloody EMA!!

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 09/10/2010 21:53

thanks Pip, off for a look now.

OP posts:
FerrisBueller · 09/10/2010 21:54

but if she wants pocket money and a social life she will have to fund it.

also close the door on her room and if she needs clean clothes she'll need to wash them herself - or at least put them in thewashing bsket (although that won't stop her filching te other DDS i know).

is she any good with lists and routines stuck up in the kitchen?

Trubert · 09/10/2010 21:55

Sounds as though you're being very reasonable.

At 16 she is old enough to work for her money, either in the home for you or out in a Saturday job.

I blame this EMA money for giving kids unrealistic expectations of free money through sixth form.

nellieistired · 09/10/2010 21:55

dss had a bit of a sense of entitlement at that age. so he spent 2 years being hard up.
he's at uni now and has a weekend job. I think the reality of how far his money didn't go even though it sounded like a fortune to him was the spur.

saturday jobs mix fine with studying unless you go working the whole weekend.

tbh I would expect her to keep her room tidy firstly and tell her to chip in with other jobs like dishwashing, because you are not her slave either, and then tough it out with pocket money.

Dss was expected to keep his room tidy and to help out. Babysitting and mowing the lawn he was paid for.

WhatsWrongWithYou · 09/10/2010 21:58

What's EMA?

herbietea · 09/10/2010 22:02

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herbietea · 09/10/2010 22:05

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Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 09/10/2010 22:06

No herbie, they are not similar size. DD3 is is a typical size for a ten year old. DD2 is is really skinny 13 yr old and a size 6 drops off her DD1 is a nice size 12.
Yesterday she wore DD3 cardigan
The other day she wore DD2 boots (DD1 is a whole size bigger in foot wear!)

I only have asked her to do their school shirts when I ask her to iron, and when she irons she refuses to iron the sleeves and I always let her watch what she wants to on the TV.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 09/10/2010 22:07

It is not easy to get a Saturday Job. So will those who keep just telling parents to tell their teenagers to get a job stop doing it. DD3 18 can tell you this she has been trying hard for well over a year.
We give DD3 £30 a month and with that she pays for her mobile phone top ups and all her social life. Although we do pay for her Drama club. Anyway she helps a bit round d the house when we ask her to. She regularly cleans the Bathroom,habgs out washing and will put her clothes in the washing machine. Before you all say why do you give an 18 year old money and not epect her to do more. She is dyspraxic and has mild learning difficulties.

mumeeee · 09/10/2010 22:07

It is not easy to get a Saturday Job. So will those who keep just telling parents to tell their teenagers to get a job stop doing it. DD3 18 can tell you this she has been trying hard for well over a year.
We give DD3 £30 a month and with that she pays for her mobile phone top ups and all her social life. Although we do pay for her Drama club. Anyway she helps a bit round d the house when we ask her to. She regularly cleans the Bathroom,habgs out washing and will put her clothes in the washing machine. Before you all say why do you give an 18 year old money and not expect her to do more. She is dyspraxic and has mild learning difficulties.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 09/10/2010 22:10

mumeeee, I appreciate what you are saying at how difficult it is to get a Saturday job, what makes me cross is the fact she cant be bothered to even look. She thinks that we owe her. Yes she is our daughter, but I would like her to start taking a little responsibility now that she is 16 yrs old and that things will not be handed to her on a plate.

OP posts:
Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 09/10/2010 22:14

Also mumeeee your DD does an awful lot more than mine does.

OP posts:
tessofthedurbeville · 09/10/2010 22:50

Maybe if you actually gave a monetarty value to the jobs ie half an hour ironing is worth £2.50, mowing the lawn £3.00 - or whatever you feel you can afford. These could be put as a chart for her to see what is on offer - a may (I only say may!) act as some incentive to something.

mumeeee · 09/10/2010 23:15

mynaughtylittlesister, She doesn't always do the jobs without moaning or being reminded.
I can see what you mean when you say she doesn't even bother to look. We told all our DD's that once they had finished thier GCSE's they had to try and look for a job. We would carry on giving them an allowence as long as we saw they were trying to look for a job. If their school or college work stopped them doing this for a while that was okay but they had to look at other times.
DD3 is now going to do some voluntary work in a charity shop.

choccyp1g · 09/10/2010 23:22

Can someone explain about EMA please? NO doubt it will be gone by the time DS is 16, but it sounds unfair if some teenagers get £30 a week for THEMSELVES when the whole family is struggling.. and presumably you only get it if you are very hard up.

choccyp1g · 09/10/2010 23:23

I wouldn't be planning on DS getting over £100 a month pocket money at 16.

Original poster
mynaughtylittlesister · 09/10/2010 23:44

EMA is a means tested way of giving children money from the government to encourage them to stay on for further education.

OP posts:
higgle · 10/10/2010 15:51

DS1 used to work Saturday and Sunday in Tesco before went to uni, did half clearing up afgter meals and keptown room and playroom clean and tiday, did own washing.

DS2 nearly 16 mows lawns for money, does own washing, 1/2 clearing up after meals, keeps own room and play room clean and tidy - all done gladly and in good nature. We ay £5 pw for lawn mowing and he has £30 pcm pocket money and all clothes bought. I hope he will get a job once he is in 6th form.

pointydog · 10/10/2010 16:01

Does she get an allowance of some sort from you?