DD thinks that I am being harsh and unreasonable, I hope I am not!!!

[mynaughtylittlesister]

DD is 16, she has just started sixth form. She lives with DH, me and 2 other Sisters.

She does not get any EMA money which has really annoyed her, she is also cross with us about it!

She refuses to look for part time work as she has to study (fair enough) and she wants a social life too!

The chore that she does at home consists of emptying the clean dishwasher Monday - Friday. She feels that she does not need to do anything else, her words were she is not our slave!

I have become very firm in the last few weeks and have refused to give her any money apart from school trip yesterday. We will still pay for her phone as its on contract and the mobile hairdresser comes once a month.

She feels that she is so hard done by, she borrows the other 2DDs clothes, this I wouldn't mind if she cared for them but she doesnt and has ruined many of DD2 things. She does have nice clothes, but because she is so careless and her room is a pigsty (thats another thread!!!) Her things very rarely go to wash, so she looks for other peoples things to wear instead!

If you saw DD out in the town she looks immaculate, hair just so etc...

She is loved dearly but she is so down on us as a family as our living room furniture is old etc...

Although DD is not entitled to EMA, we cant get through to her that we are not rich! We made a bad choice in property a few yrs ago and managed to get negative equity, we had to move etc.. so our mortgage and out goings is huge on this place, and although we have sat her down and told her, she still holds it against us.

I have quite openly said that if she starts to do more around the house then we would find some pocket money for her. She will only half attempt a job and I will not pay. Also it will only last for a week or two then she forgets or starts to get mouthy and complains bitterly that the other 2DDs are doing nothing. The jobs I ask her to do are - hoovering through out downstairs

• cook an occasional meal
• help to change the beds
• polish the living room
• the airing cupboard
• small amount of all the DDs ironing (non of mine or DHs)
• cut the lawn
• washing/hanging it out etc..

I would never expect her to do all these jobs in one week, but a two - three a week would be fab!

Sorry to go on, have no idea where to take this any further, on one hand she can be absolutely gorgeous, but then on the otherhand I want her to stand up and take a little bit of responsibility for her life and her consequences.

means tested. ha.

My DSs have friends whose families are loaded but the parents are divorced, the mothers don't work, the fathers are self-employed, the rich stepfathers don't count, & they all have good accountants.

All their 6th formers get EMA & all their university students get max grant

sorry, OP, didn't answer your OP - I agree with all who've said she should have a job if they're available round your way (the A-level workload leaves plenty of time, believe me!)

OTOH I know how impossible it is to deal with a 16-yr-old with attitude and to make them do things they don't want to do.

not much help then

i know exactly where you are coming from. fortunately mine did get a part time job so it takes the financial strain off us as again no EMA but not rolling in it.

I seem to do more and more for her as i work less hours than i did. i think you are being reasonable.

my younger daughter got £30 to go shopping. she was meant to clean shower and screen and clear up room. she has gone to bed as she has had a couple of late nights. i despair. jobs aren't done.

i know i should have not given her the money upfront but obviously she went shopping yesterday.

Well, you won't do that again, but the premise is still sound.
Just don't be soft and pay in advance.

A 17 year old (and the 12 yr old too) should be doing jobs around the house because they live in the house. They contribute to the dirty dishes/messy bathroom/unironed clothes so they should contribute to the cleaning of these things too.

she has done the bathroom and is now doing her bedroom but what a battle

For those saying the EMA should be scrapped, please dont assume all families of teens who receive it dont need it.

My son gets the full EMA and it has enabled him to stay on - he uses it to buy books needed for coursework, £30 travel a month, equipment he needs and, for the first time ever, was able to go on a school trip abroad that was important to his course, all thanks to the EMA.

OP I dont think you are being at all unreasonable, I think your daughter needs to start living in the real world and appreciate that if she wants nice things and a social life she has to earn the right.

I don't have a teenager, however I don't think you sound unreasonable at all. I was a horrible 16 year old, however I did (with some complaints...) do more around the house than your dd, and I had a saturday job, and got the grades to get into uni.

Now I realise times change, and teenages are not easy to handle, but I still think you are in the right. Good luck.

(If I am taking anything away from this, it is to get dd into a routine of doing jobs for any pocket money quite early on - I think this is the only reason I did them at 16...I had been doing them for so long that it just seemed natural. I think it would have been a lot harder to get me to start doing something new IFYSWIM.)

In my very old fashioned view, if you live in a house you contribute to the running of it. And you do it simply because you live there and are part of the family community, not because you get paid to do it. Pocket money should be a separate issue, in my opinion. But this is a particular hobby horse of mine!

I have a 14 year old and a 9 year old, and they are both expected to do more than your 16 year old does, mnls!

Could you give her her share of family allowance?
Thats what my parents did, plus i had a sturday job as well.

What is your DD1 intending to do after sixthform? She will be competing for jobs/Uni with others who have managed to study and get relevant/work experience.
The time for a social life is a red herring too - who is she going to be sociable with?, I'll bet half her mates will be working.

Tell her that my 13 year old gets himself out of bed at 6.20 every morning to do the paper round that earns him £25 a week. All three have morning paper rounds, and ds2 (15) has an afternoon one too.

You are not being harsh at all - the world does not owe anyone a living, and she is going to have to learn that earning a living has to come ahead of a social life - because if you don't have the money, you can't have the social life.

I'm not sure about this. Doesn't she get any pocket money?
I don't believe in tying pocket money to chores. We all live in the house and should all contribute to the running of it is the rule here. It depends massively where you live as to how difficult it is to find a Saturday job.
Presumably you want her to continue in education?
Agree EMA is a nightmare, I'd hate to work in a FE college full of 16 year olds who are only there to collect their EMA.

We have never given pocket money but always given them money when needed.

I spoke with DD late Saturday evening, didn't yell in fact quite calm. Told her that she was taking advantage of us and that things needed to change.
I explained that now as she was 16 we felt that she should have some responsibility etc... So we would open her a bank account and put some money into the account every 4 weeks. I also explained that she needed to do more around the house and it didn't mean that I expected her to work hrs a day slave labour, but just a couple of chores a day.

She sat through the whole discussion crying, which I thought was really odd as I wasn't having a go, in fact I felt that was being really positive especially with the bank account. I honestly think I have hit a raw nerve with her. I told her I treated all of the girls differently and what suited her didn't necessary suit our youngest DD. But if she really wanted to be treated like a 10yr old then thats fine with me, but all her "perks" of staying out in the evening etc... would have to stop!

I told her she does need to get a part time job, she was very angry over this and said she didn't want to work.

I told her to go to bed and have a think about what I have said, and let me know what she thought in the morning.
Next morning she didn't come down until lunch time. She was very quiet, but I never said anything.
Later in the afternoon she offered to do some ironing, I thanked her and told her just to do half an hr.
I found out later that she had spent the morning sorting her room (not to my standard, but at least you can now see the floor and all her clothes are in the wash and washing up is downstairs! ) but hey at least she has had a go!!!
Today, she has again been a different child, fingers crossed this continues.

Oh and the best bit is, she has applied for 2 jobs!!!!

result!

good luck with her job applications

Well done!

I think is remarkable that you pay for her phone contract! And hairdresser! And at 16 she should be responsible for washing and ironing her own clothes, and some other jobs around the house.

Anyhow, looks like things are changing, I hope it stays that way. :)

well done :) sounds like you've made some progress, hope it continues

i don't know about the washing and ironing. my daughter works part time and does 4 a levels. she does go to school which is quite a journey away as do my 2 other children and they leave early and come back about 4.45.

However i do run around my ED alot and to be honest she will be gone in a couple of years and i will be sad so i treasure the time i have left with her in some ways.

she is selfish though and doesn't do enough around the house and my other 2 do little as well.

i have cut my work hours though so i have a bit more time to do stuff in the house so i don't mind as much.

Alemci, DD is studying 15 hrs a week (obviously she has homework too). Two of her days she is finished by 10.30am.

Her sixth form college is a 10 minute max walk from our house. She really does have it easy.

I don't want to make her life miserable, but want her to realise that actually its about time that she took a little bit of responsibility in her life.

I think you're being perfectly reasonable, tbh, and I'm also 16.

Personally I don't feel I have time for a job. but since I could technically get one, I don't expect my parents to give me any more money than is necessary. I'm disgustingly lazy but would always help if I was asked. Those jobs are hardly torturous anyway and a 16-year-old should definitely have to help.

I sympathize though. I don't get EMA either and all my friends that do spend it on alcohol and clothes. I feel particularly bitter about the individuals with separated parents who 'technically' qualify for EMA despite the piles of money showered on them by one or both parents. The qualifying boundary should be lowered. I bet if the govnmt. cut EMA and put it to good use, these massive increases in uni fees wouldn't be so necessary.

tell her to get a job and to get a grip. when i was at college a couple of years ago i didnt get ema although my mum didnt earn as she looked after my little brother n sister, but my step dad worked - although he didnt pay for me to go to college. so my mum had to fork out for it so i got a job, its not hard if you look properly, i know as in my gap year i had 3 jobs at once!

I think you are doing the right thing! Stand firm & good luck

No you're not being unreasonable. Our 16 year old DS has to sort the recycling (and requires plenty of reminding) and clear up the kitchen after sunday lunch as well as clean his own room (which he doesn't do) in return for phone contract being paid. He has just got a saturday job, but we had to encourage him to even apply.

Just thought I would up date on this!!

MY DD has managed to get herself a Saturday job, I am so thrilled for her - 9.15am ~4pm. Extra hrs during holidays! Fingers crossed it all works out for her, she starts next Saturday.