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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How much freedom should I be allowing 13yo DS and 12yo DD this summer?

22 replies

MummyOfSuburbia · 21/07/2010 15:24

12yo DD has asked if I can drive her and 3 friends to the beach (40-50 mins drive away ish), where they will meet another 4/5 friends who are being taken by another unpaid taxi parent. They will spend the day there alone and then we'll pick them up again later in the afternoon. I have no objection to ferrying them about (said beach is about 5 mins down the road from my mum's, so could have a lovely day with her), and the beach is a relatively safe one with shallow water and lifeguard. BUT, it's an unfamiliar area to my DD and her friends and I'm just not sure about leaving them there. Just wondering really whether I'm being overprotective, she's my youngest so I do tend to baby her a bit .

My best friend has also offered my almost-14yo DS some work experience (she works in an MP's office, atm he thinks wants to work in politics or journalism) which would involve him commuting up to Westminster every day for a week at the end of the summer hols. It's not a horrendous journey (train journey of around 80 mins followed by 1 stop on the tube or a 20min walk) and it's one he's done before with me or DH but never alone. She starts work at 10 so he would avoid the main rush hour. Do you think it's ok for him to do this?

Both already get public bus to school and to meet friends in town 10 mins away so are quite independent btw.

OP posts:

rubyrubyruby · 21/07/2010 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineed2 · 21/07/2010 15:38

I think I could cope with the beach thing especially with your mum being 5 mins away but London would be way out of my comfort zone. Dd1 [21] and Dd2 [14] went to london on the train at easter for the day but wouldn't let Dd2 go alone.

dexter73 · 21/07/2010 16:02

I think your ds would be ok going up to London on his own and I think it would be a great opportunity for him to work at Westminster.
I have a 13 yr old dd and she travels on the tube in London on her own.
The beach thing wouldn't worry me either. Maybe if you were at your mums you could pop down and meet her at lunch time to make sure she is ok.
I am assuming they will both have phones with them as well.

OrmRenewed · 21/07/2010 16:09

Yes and yes.

My 13yr old DS will have the freedom of the town this summer - has skate board and bike and will travel. As long as we can get hold of him on his phone all is well.

11yr old DD - hmm - she walks from school (in charge of her 7yr old brother atm) and walks to friends' houses nearby but that is all atm. We are going to have to let her off the leash soon but will be lead by her - she's sensible and cautious so it will come from here I think.

inthesticks · 21/07/2010 19:58

I have 12 and 14 year old DSs.
It's always easier to say no and save yourself the worry but I try to think carefully first.
The beach thing, I would say yes as long as you were staying 5 minutes away with mum. I would insist she checks in by phone at agreed intervals. I would not want to be a 40 minute drive away though, def.

Your Ds is only 13. I'd have to say wait another year before I agreed to that one. It's a whole lot different from bus to town 10 minutes away.

inthesticks · 21/07/2010 19:58

Your Ds is only 13. I'd have to say wait another year before I agreed to that one. It's a whole lot different from bus to town 10 minutes away.

basildonbond · 21/07/2010 19:59

re your ds - of course it'd be fine

ds1(13) has been getting himself to school by train since he was 10 and will quite happily negotiate public transport - he went up to Covent Garden today with a friend and then wanderered around just looking - they went to the Gherkin building cos they'd never seen it up close!

I'm not happy with him schlepping around London after dark, but otherwise it's fine, especially in the centre

I think it's a wonderful opportunity for your ds to work at Westminster - and how fabulous of your friend to offer it to him

herbietea · 21/07/2010 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumeeee · 21/07/2010 20:40

The beach sounds fine to me. But I wouldn't let a 13 year old go to London on their own. I would leave it until he was at least 15.

basildonbond · 21/07/2010 22:06

just curious - what do you all think is going to happen in London that wouldn't happen somewhere else?? Especially going one stop from Victoria Station to Westminster, surrounded by adults and more police than you could shake a truncheon at

I'm perfectly happy for my 13 year old to make his way into central London from south London - there are parts of south London I wouldn't want him going to, but would have no problem with Westminster. However, there are some medium-sized country towns which scare the hell out of me ...

HowsTheSerenity · 21/07/2010 22:08

I think that it is fine. You cannot wrap them in cotton wool and some independence is good for them. 10 yr old has a 4pm curfew. Cannot go away from town centre. He loves it. He knows if he screws up he will suffer the consequences.

TrillianAstra · 21/07/2010 22:11

The work experience sounds like an amazing opportunity, and presumably your friend would know where he was - he would go straight from tube to office, not be wandering around dodgy areas.

cory · 21/07/2010 22:29

Yes and yes.

LaDiDaDi · 21/07/2010 22:36

Both sound fine to me, with the proviso that you are with your mum so could get to your dd quickly if necessary.

IloveJudgeJudy · 22/07/2010 00:21

I would let both my older children do these things (DS1 is 15, DD is 13), but I would not necessarily let my DS2 (11) do the same as he is a completely different character. I think each parent knows their own child and knows what they are capable of.

I used to travel up to London by train when I was 12 (70s) with no trouble. I thought I was completely grown-up then!

mumeeee · 22/07/2010 14:40

I just think the tubes can be very confusing to an adult who doesn't know London let alone a 13 year old.If you live in South London then your 13 year old will know London much more than they know other places. But if the OP's DS has to take an 80 minute train journey than I think she must leave someway out of London.

inthesticks · 22/07/2010 15:28

I guess the London thing depends on what you are used to.

We live in a very rural area.Although they have gone on school buses from age 5 they have only been on a train once. Traffic around home consists of the odd tractor. The local town is small and pedestrianised.
My children have been to London once and probably once to another city.

If you live in a city or regularly travel to one then your children will be much more streetwise,and probably safer than mine would be.

Original poster

MummyOfSuburbia · 22/07/2010 16:04

Okay, mixed views then

On balance I think I will definitely let DD go to the beach (she will have her mobile with her) but not absolutely certain about DS and London, although am leaning towards saying yes.

We do go to London reasonably regularly either to do touristy type things or see friends, including going on the tube so it's not as if DS will be completely out of his comfort zone - and the journey is Waterloo to Westminster which is one stop on the Jubilee line iirc, so not a very confusing one!

Can you tell I'm trying to convince myself?

Thanks for the input, ladies xx

OP posts:

maryz · 22/07/2010 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Prinnie · 22/07/2010 17:57

Yes and Yes - and to the person who said that the tube could be confusing to an adult - yes you're right - adults who were never given the freedom to learn how the tube works when their brains were more up to it as teenagers!

Stricnine · 22/07/2010 19:41

I'm another who back you up : yes and yes!

My DD (13) takes train/bus to town to meet up with spurious 'others' many of whom I don't know... started this last summer when she developed sufficient confidence to do it herself with out 'mums taxi'... it's up to her how much she travels now as I trust her to make up her own mind how far she's comfortable going...

and I was allowed loose in London from about 14 onwards - great experience and learned a lot about independence and working things out for myself... hope he really enjoys Westminster - what an opportunity!!

mumeeee · 23/07/2010 18:51

Prinnie . It's not just adults who weren't given the freedom when they were younger. I did go to london by myself when I was a teenager and yes managed the tune but that was because my Aunt lived in London. Also it was a very long time ago! But I still find the tubes confusing now but as I'm an adult and have done a lot of travel on public transport I can manage to sort any confusion out without any panic. But if you have never been to London it can be a bit overwhelming. To the op if you DS has only got to get off the train and get straight on the tube and there is not a lot of changing to do, Then yes he would probably be alright as you have said he's done this trip with you.
A lot of 13 nearly 14 year olds would not be ready to do this. I know DD3 18 is only just ready to go to London by herself but she is Dysprasic and has almost no sense of direction.

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