I'm considering being a surrogate

[TheTwirlyPoos]

We have two good friends, they are gay.
They are desperate for a baby and I'd love to help them.
I've had two children of my own and am done.
My husband is uncertain and concerned I will become too attached etc.
Where do we start thinking about this?!

Many people feel that surrogacy is abhorrent as a concept, for one major reason: the effect on the child, when considered at all, comes a poor second to the wishes of the adults.

Deliberately to bring a child into a surrogacy scenario, where that child will have to live with the psychological trauma of being immediately removed from his/her mother, should not be acceptable in a civilised country.

Everyone accepts that children can grow up in scenarios where relationships are difficult and stressful, and good parents do their best for their children in those circumstances (family breakdown, bereavement etc). Where parents struggle, family bonds are such that it is usually better for children to remain with parents with support rather than be removed. Why then would anyone even consider immediate removal of an infant from a mother in any scenario other than for that child's safety?

I wouldn't do it. It's very altruistic of you and I'm sure that couple would be over the moon but I don't think surrogacy has the baby's interests at any point of their life. And taking them away from their birth mother is brutal. They should get a dog instead!

You still haven't got a good argument for surrogacy though. No-one should have the right to remove a baby from their mother at birth unless the baby is at a greater risk staying with their mother than being removed.

Presumably you would have IVF. Are you aware that this can kill you and how would your family cope if that happened? Research OHSS

I don’t know anything about surrogacy but I have had IVF.

My clinical profile actually puts me at much higher risk of OHSS than most (PCOS with extremely high AMH that makes me very responsive to IVF meds). It has been very easily managed by my clinic both times despite having very high oestrogen levels.

Anyone considering IVF should be aware of the risks from things like OHSS, however I think this overstates the risk, and could unduly panic someone who is considering or expecting to have IVF.

Yes they do. And they are at significantly higher risk of pregnancy complications.

Normally people who use donor eggs have got fertility problems so more likely to have pregnancy complications. That wouldn't be the case with surrogates.

It may increase the risk for certain things compared to pregnancy with own eggs, however I think this statement:

“This creates huge complications for the woman and the pregnancy, no genetic link to the fetus makes carrying the pregnancy to term very difficult”

isn’t really an accurate representation of that.

I posted a link to a peer reviewed journal article earlier that addressed that very issue. They found that pregnancy is higher risk with an unrelated embryo.

They state "When a woman gestates an unrelated embryo, she is significantly more likely to develop preeclampsia and other diseases above and beyond the known risks associated with advanced maternal age, IVF, multiple gestation, and subfertility. Such “allogeneic pregnancies” are riskier even in fertile, healthy, commercial surrogates and when the egg is donated by a young, healthy donor."

Yep, I saw that

And I didn't make that statement so I'm not sure why you are responding to me.

I responded to the person who stated that many couples conceive using donor eggs by pointing out that doing so puts the mother at significantly higher risk of pregnancy complications.

You quoted me, and so I responded. Maybe you quoted the wrong person by accident.

This was meant to quote @TobaccoFlower statement:

"Normally people who use donor eggs have got fertility problems so more likely to have pregnancy complications. That wouldn't be the case with surrogates."

Yes, that was me. My comment was a direct response to a statement made by a PP. You joined our conversation.

The thought of 2 men being given a little baby girl doesn’t sit right somehow.

Just re-read.

I responded to your comment on many couples using donor eggs.

You responded by addressing a comment from a previous poster which I had nothing to do with. It appeared to me you thought I had made the comment from the previous poster.

Well, not really. I simply addressed your comment.

okey dokey

I nearly died from OHSS. My husband was told to prepare himself. The year before me a woman did die. I think anyone who undertakes IVF should take this very seriously and understand that the risks are seldom fully explained. I would never recommend IVF to anyone and especially not someone who already had children.

That’s a really good point. @TheTwirlyPoos OP, please consider all the pros and cons. You’re the one who will be carrying the baby and with it all the highs and lows of pregnancy as well as all the possible health implications even after giving birth. Think about the life you have now with your husband and your children, do you think you’ll be able to give your baby away? Will you be ok with how your child is raised with the very likely possibility of you not being in their lives at all?

Sorry you had that experience, sounds very scary x

This

That's a disgusting way to think. Just because they're male, they're going to be abusers of a female child?

There's no good reason for doing this IMO. Loads of potential problems. No one is entitled to be a parent and lots of people aren't but have happy and fulfilling lives.

If you think you can carry a baby, give birth and hand said child over to someone else, go for it.

I couldn’t.

That's not what the poster said. I'd want to know that they had good female role models on hand and that they had some understanding of, and respect for, the type of issues that girls and women face.